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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask what the ideal age gap is to avoid sibling jealousy

63 replies

minettechatouette · 04/05/2020 13:42

I have a wonderful 15 month old girl who is the light of my and my DH's life. She is just great. She gets lots and lots of attention from us both - I went back to work when she was 5 months old and my DH stayed at home to look after her. He was back at work for a couple of months but then lockdown happened and he is off again looking after her. I have a flexible job and work from home quite a bit so also get to spend lots of time with her. We are very lucky.

Both my DH and I have always wanted at least two children as we each have one sibling who we are close too. My DH is keen to have a second sooner rather than later as he thinks it is nice for a child to have a sibling close in age. I have always been open to this in theory, but now I am getting worried about sibling jealousy.

AIBU to ask if a two year age gap is too little? Will it break my DD's heart if we have a baby when she is two? Especially when she has had so much attention for her whole life. Is it better to wait until she is 3 or even 4? But then she might not play with the sibling so much... DH is keen to start trying for another baby whenever I am ready, and obviously would never pressure me since I am the one who would be pregnant - but I am feeling so indecisive about when the right time to have a baby will be.

AIBU to ask for your positive and negative stories about different sibling age gaps? TIA.

OP posts:

bluestarsatnightfall · 04/05/2020 13:45

14 months between my eldest and no jealousy at all. 3.5 years between middle and youngest and my middle child was jealous then. Eldest was no problem as he was at school most of the week.

LouiseTrees · 04/05/2020 13:46

The older one always has a little bit of jealousy. There are nearly 4 years between my sibling and I and there are 23 months between my husband and his sibling. I honestly don’t think it makes a difference the size of gap , we are both quite close to them even despite the obvious favouritism towards the youngest in both families ( eg we paid rent/digs when we started earning they don’t etc).

beesthatbuzz · 04/05/2020 13:49

I don't think the size of the gap makes a blind bit of difference, it comes down to the child, the parents handling of the situation and mainly luck.

I have one sister 18 months younger and one 5 years younger. I was jealous of them both to be honest. I was also a challenging child and my parents weren't the most hands on. We are all close now.

Sh05 · 04/05/2020 13:50

Speaking from my own experience, I had a gap of 2 and s half yes between my first two then 19 months between dc2+3, both times we got lucky that DC didn't display any jealousy.
Then a large gap between dc3+4 and 3 yes between 4+5 so no worries there either. I think it's totally child dependant though because my dsis has three girls 3 yrs apart and had to contend with sybling jealousy each time. Or it might be because we had girl, boy, girl, boy so was different than girl, girl, girl. I hope that makes sense

Boom45 · 04/05/2020 13:50

My 2 are 2 years apart and they're fine. In my family I have a brother who is 2 years younger, a sister 9 years young, a brother 5 years older and a sister 7 years older and we all get on great. I think sibling rivalry comes from more than just age gaps

FanSaBhaile · 04/05/2020 13:50

16 months between my two, both boys, and the jealousy is awful. I spend my whole life trying to make sure they both get the same/ treated the same, but no matter what they don't see it that way. It breaks me some days.

Happyspud · 04/05/2020 13:53

It’s parenting and personality of the children that dictates this, not age. Very close together siblings can just as likely be best buddies as sworn enemies.

NewLevelsOfTiredness · 04/05/2020 13:53

It sounds like you have a healthy relationship where both are engaged and involved with the child, so I'd imagine that will help for starters.

HarrietM87 · 04/05/2020 13:57

I think very small age gaps of 18 months or under are probably least likely to create jealousy initially as the oldest won’t really remember a time before the youngest wasn’t there. That doesn’t mean there won’t be normal sibling jealousy/rivalry as they get older though.

There is a 13 month gap between DH and his brother and they’ve always been close. There’s a 27 month gap between my sister and me and we fought loads as children. I hated her when she was born and was very aware of what I’d lost when no longer an only child! But we are SO close now and I love her to death. I don’t think you can plan things.

My son will be 2.5 when my daughter is born and I hope they will love each other but will have to wait and see (and do my best to encourage and reward good behaviour obviously).

Camomila · 04/05/2020 14:07

Nearly 4 years between my 2, hardly any jealousy. DS1 regularly thanks me for growing him a baby brother and asks for more of them. I think it just depends on personalities.

Original poster

minettechatouette · 04/05/2020 14:19

Thanks for the responses so far -- really interesting! I am sure that it is right that parenting decisions and child personalities play a big part in sibling relationships. I think I am less worried about jealousy growing up than about the immediate reaction of a tiny two year old who can't be reasoned out of it.

OP posts:

Mixingitall · 04/05/2020 14:22

I did some research on this 7 or 8 years ago and understood the gap needed to be under 18 months or over 3 years.

We have a 3 year gap between ds’s and they get on brilliantly.

I also believe testing children equally and not allowing competitiveness to breed makes a difference with any age gap.

iMatter · 04/05/2020 14:24

12 months between my two and never any jealousy at all.

I think ds1 just couldn't remember a time before ds2.

bridgetreilly · 04/05/2020 14:26

About 50 years.

It can happen with any gap, OP.

Elouera · 04/05/2020 14:27

4.5yrs between myself and younger brother. I adored him, and becomes mums little helper! She said the gap was perfect, because I was at school, and she could focus attention on him, almost like he was her 1st child again. I wasn't in nappies and didn't need feeding, unlike if we'd been closer in age.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 04/05/2020 14:29

20months and had no problem with elder child being jealous of younger. She just tok it in her stride, like most things.

Currently 7&8, and the younger one gets jealous when the elder one can do stuff she can't. But that might be one inevitable unless you have twins

olympicsrock · 04/05/2020 14:30

3 years 8 months with my boys has worked well. Close enough to play together but there is no jealousy or competition as the older one is significantly faster bigger etc

SeasonallySnowyPeasant · 04/05/2020 14:31

I’d say a smaller gap is better for this, as then they won’t remember being an only.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 04/05/2020 14:32

16 years? Worked out well for Us anyway

PhantomErik · 04/05/2020 14:32

I have an 18 month gap between 1 & 2 and a 2yr gap between 2 & 3.

No jealousy at all. All 3 quite different personalities & I'm very glad they have each other the moment. They're great company & all tend to enjoy the same days out, films, activities etc.

I'm a fan of small gaps

Dotty1970 · 04/05/2020 14:34

Probably roughly 30 years

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 04/05/2020 14:35

We had 2.5 year gap and my eldest is amazing with her sister, from when she was little she wanted to cuddle and feed her and help with nappy changes. There is a similar gap between me and my sibling though and I hated them! So think it depends a lot on personality of the child.

I also think it helps where the father is more involved, as when the mum is tied up with the baby then they don't feel like they are getting second best with their dad, and it's less of a change. The siblings that I know that have struggled have been ones where say the dad works away and they were very used to having their mum to themselves all the time

Most people I know have been fine, the worst I know was about 3.5- 4 years where the eldest had terrible behaviour for months and months afterwards, and the best I know is 5 years or so, they are so close.

Other things I think make a difference -

If they are in nursery a lot if the time I think that helps as their routine isnt changed much. If they are used to having a parent devote all their attention to them and then they have to share that is a much bigger change, if they can keep the same routine and go to nursery it's less of a shock

Original poster

minettechatouette · 04/05/2020 14:45

I think I have also read that under 18 months or over 3 years is best and am trying to convince myself otherwise as I'd like a second one sooner! So it's nice to hear stories about 2 year gaps that have worked. But also the idea that a 4+ year gap allows you to concentrate on the first child throughout out their baby and toddlerhood and then do the same for the second makes a lot of sense to me. I just don't know if I want to wait that long, and I know my DH doesn't!

OP posts:

BelfryBat · 04/05/2020 14:48

I think it's the behaviour of the parents to be honest. My younger brother was very ill when he was a baby and my mother always treated him as if he was made of spun glass to the point where he expected to be put first on every occasion. He has never grown out of this.

brassbrass · 04/05/2020 14:49

I don't think it's anything to do with age. It's how secure the child is and how well you prepare them for the arrival of a sibling so they aren't surprised, confused, or feel displaced etc. 2 year gap between mine and never had any issues. Known closer in age children too who were also fine. We were chilled about the pregnancy talked about it in appropriate terms in front of DS1 from the beginning. Didn't over cook it or over dramatise anything, life remained normal. He got a present from his brother when he finally arrived and all guests were encouraged to make a fuss of big brother when visiting the baby. We tried to make sure his got the same amount of attention as before. Trickiest time was breastfeeding when just me and them at home. My favourite photo is feeding DS2 with DS1 sat on my shoulders wrapped around my head looking very pleased with himself 🤣. I think DH arrived home to see me like that and asked 'how long have you been like that?' Answer was 'for a while' 🤣

I'd read books to him or engage with him about whatever we were watching. Basically he didn't feel the baby had taken mummy away. They have always got on great, some normal bickering when younger but never properly fallen out over anything and this morning passed them on the stairs outside DS1's room as he was giving DS2 advice about which sort of room/location to go for when selecting halls for uni 😍

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