AIBU to ask what the ideal age gap is to avoid sibling jealousy

[minettechatouette]

I have a wonderful 15 month old girl who is the light of my and my DH's life. She is just great. She gets lots and lots of attention from us both - I went back to work when she was 5 months old and my DH stayed at home to look after her. He was back at work for a couple of months but then lockdown happened and he is off again looking after her. I have a flexible job and work from home quite a bit so also get to spend lots of time with her. We are very lucky.

Both my DH and I have always wanted at least two children as we each have one sibling who we are close too. My DH is keen to have a second sooner rather than later as he thinks it is nice for a child to have a sibling close in age. I have always been open to this in theory, but now I am getting worried about sibling jealousy.

AIBU to ask if a two year age gap is too little? Will it break my DD's heart if we have a baby when she is two? Especially when she has had so much attention for her whole life. Is it better to wait until she is 3 or even 4? But then she might not play with the sibling so much... DH is keen to start trying for another baby whenever I am ready, and obviously would never pressure me since I am the one who would be pregnant - but I am feeling so indecisive about when the right time to have a baby will be.

AIBU to ask for your positive and negative stories about different sibling age gaps? TIA.

@brassbrass that sounds so so lovely - I hope I can carry it off like this.

Various gaps between mine.
14 months, 15 months, 20 months, 2. 5 and 2.9 A 6 year gap at the end!
The ones who get along best are 2 x ds's with a 2.5 gap!!
Worst are 2 dd's with 15 month gap!!

@brassbrass I think probably this is one of those times when you’ve been lucky and have put it down to great parenting (happens to us all!). Though everything you’ve said is a great idea.

I’ve got friends who have had exactly the same approach as you and their child was still extremely jealous, to the point where they stopped eating in protest! The personality of the child plays a major part and it’s not something you can control. Some kids are chilled, some are highly strung from birth, it’s just luck of the draw.

I think statistically age gaps of 2-3 years are worst for sibling jealousy, but even though I experienced that myself I’m still doing it because I think it’s a lovely gap overall - recovered from baby stage but haven’t forgotten it, kids will have similar interests etc - and it’s also probably the most popular age gap so it can’t be all bad!

A little over four years between my two and it's worked out very well. Older DC was in preschool by then, so had activities to go to and good friends so I wasn't the main focus of their life. I could give all my attention to younger DC during preschool hours and then spend time with older DC when they got back. Younger DC adored older DC and vice versa. Even as teens now, they still get on very well.

In the country I live in, most people seem to have a minimum of a three year gap between children and it seems to work out well in most cases.

You say that but look on any MN thread about problems with siblings and there is usually bad parenting involved! Parents taking sides or blatantly favouring one over the other. These things start from an early age and become embedded I think in the family dynamic.

Ours is an only but 3.5 years between my sibling and me (I'm older) and we fought like cat and dog. I wasn't jealous of them, but they were of me because I was older and therefore had it better in their eyes, things like later bedtime, stuff I could do or have they that they couldn't. If I had something they didn't the tantrums were horrendous and they got pandered to for most likely an easy life.

So we had to have exactly the same, I couldn't be treated any differently for being the eldest which led to a lot of resentment on my part, all the "you're the eldest so act like it" with none of the perks. We get on ok now, but things didn't improve until I moved out. So maybe be aware it can come from the other side too!

Wow @brassbrass really? Are you saying my parents were bad parents because I was miffed I had to share them? Sibling jealousy when there’s a new baby is completely normal and not a reflection of bad parenting, any more than babies who sleep through the night from birth are not a reflection of good parenting. All children are different! Obviously as a parent you do your best to make big transitions easier but some will be more affected than others just because of their personality. Surprised that’s in any way controversial.

Honestly, I wouldn't over plan or think it. If you are emotionally, physically and financially ready for another one then just go for it.
I 'planned' my second perfectly, there was going to be just over a 3yr gap. I thought to myself I'd get my oldest settled into nursery and fully toilet trained and out of the baby stage etc. And that 3yrs was still close enough to play together.
It ended up taking me 15 months to fall pregnant with my second, after only 2 months with the first it was a shock and upsetting every month as I saw my 'plan' slip further away.

I have twins - the jealousy is rife! Don’t listen to people who say the smaller the gap the better as they won’t remember being a singleton. It’s worse as it’s ingrained for as long as they can remember that they are jealous about sharing love! Although to be honest it’s just one twin that gets jealous - I think it’s more a personality thing than age gap.

My DB and SIL wanted a 3yr gap too, 18mo and a miscarriage later until she fell pregnant with a sticky one.

I think it depends on so many factors so I wouldn’t be too worried about age gaps. I have three- it was 3 under 5 at one point and while there have been other challenges, jealously has never been an issue really. The first two are less than two years apart and while it was intense in the early days and a bit of a blur, they are such great mates. Throwing a newborn into the mix is tricky with any age of child. Bigger age gaps are easier when the oldest is at school but then having a child and teenager can make family activities harder. Do what feels best for you emotionally and financially and try not to over think it.

I only have one so can't comment from a personal perspective of having two or more. But we always said we wanted our first to be settled at school before we even think of having another.
My mum had all of her children 10 years apart. There's 10 years between my brother and I, 10 years between my brother and sister and 20 years between my sister and I. I loved being so much older as it meant I could help and be much more involved. I did everything I could and I loved it.

I agree with several posters who say it is up to the way parents handle it. My first two were 2.5 years apart, there was no jealousy probably due to their temperaments, he was a dreamy quite passive boy, then dd came along and was a wee force of nature. He thought she was hilarious! Then 5 years later I had dd2 and dd1 was potentially going to have her nose put out of joint. I was unbelievably chilled about her handling the baby for some reason, and she never dropped or hurt her. I have videos of the 5year old carrying her newborn sister that make me cringe now from a safety point of view, but at the time I was fine with it. I don't know if this was instinct, in lots of other ways I was always a very anxious parent. But somehow it just worked.

20 months between my two and perfect age gap, they fight like i don't know what but there best of friends and they each have a constant playmate. They are 6 and 5.

I really don’t think there is one

My sister and I are 22 months apart and had a lot of sibling rivalry. Equally friends with similar age gaps adore their siblings.

I don’t even think it’s as simple as “blame the parents”, I think a lot comes down to the personalities of the children, although obviously parenting contributes. But I’m sure most parents strive to be fair to both/all their children as much as they can

@brassbrass
This reminds me so much of my dd1 and ds2. 19 months between them and I was breastfeeding ds. On the floor with DD also in my lap. My mum walked in and I was frozen with cramps from having sat like that for so long😊.
She was very possessive of her baby brother and now at 13 and 12 they very rarely fight and are very competitive about who is taller.

All my gaps are 24 months or less (4DC) and to be honest I felt a smaller gap was better, as the sibling nearest in age to the new baby very very quickly couldn’t remember what their life had been like before the new arrival.

5 years between DCs 1 and 2, 5 years between DCs 2 and 3 (big gaps by choice). No jealously. Seeing what DCs 1 and 2 have been like aged 2-3 this is the age I'd most want to avoid introducing a younger sibling to - not sure if it's universal but at that age my two were unable to regulate emotions, didn't understand concept of sharing etc..

Agree with a PP that it’s down to parental behaviour.

I only have one brother who is six years younger and I hated him pretty much from the off. He always seemed to be the favourite, he always got away with everything and from the moment he was born removed any attention I had previously had. I’m obviously an adult now and also a parent so have more perspective on things but yeah, my Mum didn’t do a great job at balancing attention and she only had two of us.

I’m pregnant with my fifth and don’t think I’ve ever experienced sibling jealousy. The older three were born close together so don’t remember life without each other, maybe that’s the trick but I’m not sure. I’ve always worked really hard at giving them all adequate 1:1 time and care.

We also made sure people brought presents/talked to the older siblings before coming over the newborn.

Ensured they still had some one-to-one with a parent.

Made paternity leave full of exciting things like ‘swimming with Daddy’.

The new baby always brought a substantial present for their older siblings (often something to share, climbing frame or swing set).

And we called the baby ‘your new baby’ to encourage a sense of pride and possessiveness rather than jealousy.

Praised the older siblings for all the helpful jobs they could do (fetch a clean nappy/muslin).

Make a big deal of all the things they are ‘allowed’ to do because they are ‘sooo grown up’, like eat chocolate or play at the park when the poor baby can’t have any or just has to watch you.

Mine are 2 years apart, it's harder for the first couple of years but they were able to play together well through childhood and as young adults socialise together etc and were in lockdown together at first (now staying with each of their boyfriends)

It’s not the age gap, it’s the way you deal with it.

People said my DS would be jealous of his baby brother as there was a 5 year gap. Literally zero.

He gets lots of attention of his own, he has to share some stuff but his toys are not for the younger to ruin. I don’t expect him to include those little one on play dates etc (they’re 7 and 2 now) or ‘look after’ him.

It’s all that shit that breeds resentment (voice of bitter experience).

Also I didn’t enter into ‘younger just ADORES the older’ or vice versa. It feels forced to me and pressurises the older.

Harriet you negated my first post and put it all down to 'luck' 🙄Er no actually it wasn't all luck. How children turn out isn't 'lucky'. Whatever you're reading into my post about your parents is your problem 🤷I don't know them or you I was talking about all the examples freely available on MN about damaged sibling relationships and parents being at the heart of the damage.

I'm not 'blaming' parents either as someone else said. Yes obviously it is multiple factors and so many variables but how parents handle the situation at the very beginning does have a massive part to play in how an infant learns to cope with a new sibling and if my experience helps OP then great!

I have a 19 month age gap and we have never experienced any jealousy