AIBU to ask what the ideal age gap is to avoid sibling jealousy

[minettechatouette]

I have a wonderful 15 month old girl who is the light of my and my DH's life. She is just great. She gets lots and lots of attention from us both - I went back to work when she was 5 months old and my DH stayed at home to look after her. He was back at work for a couple of months but then lockdown happened and he is off again looking after her. I have a flexible job and work from home quite a bit so also get to spend lots of time with her. We are very lucky.

Both my DH and I have always wanted at least two children as we each have one sibling who we are close too. My DH is keen to have a second sooner rather than later as he thinks it is nice for a child to have a sibling close in age. I have always been open to this in theory, but now I am getting worried about sibling jealousy.

AIBU to ask if a two year age gap is too little? Will it break my DD's heart if we have a baby when she is two? Especially when she has had so much attention for her whole life. Is it better to wait until she is 3 or even 4? But then she might not play with the sibling so much... DH is keen to start trying for another baby whenever I am ready, and obviously would never pressure me since I am the one who would be pregnant - but I am feeling so indecisive about when the right time to have a baby will be.

AIBU to ask for your positive and negative stories about different sibling age gaps? TIA.

I have 4 years between mine. Never had any jealousy issues at all. My oldest (now 6) is very kind and caring to her brother. I trust her totally with him. They occasionally fight over toys and activities now they are a bit older but never anything serious. On the whole I’ve found the age gap good in terms of making my life easier. Comparing to friends who had smaller gaps I was able to kind of come out of the baby phase then go back into it in a way friends with smaller gaps didn’t and really loved my younger ones baby days because the older one was much more independent. I was also able to change jobs in that time and make a good career move with an opportunity I would have undoubtedly not have felt able to take it I’d been back in the baby phase. OTOH I think it depends a lot on the personalities of the children - my younger one is a very placid easy going child and the total opposite of my older one. I think people tend to justify the gaps the have. They can’t imagine any different and want to feel like they’ve made the right choices whatever happens. The downside of a gap like mine is that it is occasionally hard to find activities they both want to do when one is a primary age child and one is a small toddler (eg cinema, trampoline park etc just don’t work with this age gap) but I think that will hopefully improve a bit as they get older. It’s not a huge downside as not extreme gap. Many people with 3 kids would have this gap between their oldest and youngest and would have to make that work in the same way.

No siblings is the only way to completely avoid it! But seriously I think about 5/6 years seems to work out best long term using my small sample of my own upbringing, my family and friends.

A bigger gap allows you to focus on the first child more. I think it’s good for the first child to get a chance to develop a bit before a sibling comes along. There’s 16 months between DB1 and I and we’re are NC. Weirdly he’s the younger one but he was always jealous of me. The rivalry was completely one-sided and from late primary school we could barley be on the same room without it kicking off.

DB2 is 6 years younger than me and is the loveliest man ever. Even though DB2 and I rarely properly played together as kids as we were at different stages, by the time he was about 18, we were in the same generation, very similar, like similar music etc and are really close.

Sibling jealousy can and does happen at any age; my ideal age difference would be three years, at three the older child can be quite involved in 'looking after' the baby. It's really up to the parents to give the older one a lot of attention, regardless of the gap between babies.

Mine are 19, 11 and the twins are 8.
We’re lucky that there’s not too much jealousy but if it’s going to happen, it’ll be the eldest, jealous of the middle one (8yr gap) or the middle one, towards one twin (3yr gap).

I definitely think it’s personality and maybe more pronounced if children have had time alone with parents - big age gap or being too young for school with a school-aged sibling.

The twins don’t seem to get jealous at all as sharing has always been a given for them.

I've got a 4yr age gap between mine.

DD(6) has only started being a bit jealous now that she's home all the time and sees how much attention DS(21mo) gets. Normally she doesn't mind at all, but she's very sensible and grown up, and like another Mum to him (her choice!). She copes well most of the time, though, and it was good early on because she was in Reception when DS was tiny so I could rest/focus on him. DH and I always make sure she gets plenty of attention from whoever isn't dealing with DS, she gets to go up to bed later and stays downstairs reading stories with one of us, etc.

DS on the other hand is intensely jealous, mainly if DD comes near me. He's exceptionally clingy and territorial, hates it when DD holds my hand or sits next to me. But that's just him! He doesn't like it when DH hugs me, either.

It's a nice gap for the most part, but some of that is down to my DC getting on fairly well for the most part. It's still hard, particularly right now with homeschooling etc!

I have four and have never ever had jealousy issues. Friends with same age gaps have really struggled.

I think it depends on the characters of the parents and the children to be honest.

Sorry, I forgot to write she gaps! I had two under two, a two year gap and then another set of two under two.

Plus DH and I are quite sociable people, our home is very busy so everyone is used to it. Now my kids love to take care of younger kids

Use have a 3 year gap.. very little jealousy, but I'm really careful never to say I can't do this because I'm pregnant or because of the baby. Some jealously in the form of wanting to join in or wanting to take the item if I play with her specifically baby stuff. No prob in involving her in playing with them both. If we play a board game she plays too obviously that's me as she's a baby.

5 kids here with between 20 months and 2yrs 9months and never been the slightest bit of jealousy between them. So I don't know whether the bigger the bigger the likelihood of jealousy or whether I've just been lucky on that score.

2.7 months between my 2 girls and the jealousy is awful at times, it also goes both ways. My older daughter spent the first 6 months on dd2s life trying to hurt her :( they get on better now at 4 and 17 months but there is still alot of jealousy. They both want me to themselves all the time

Read the second child book by Sarah Ockwell Smith, she has a bit on spacing. I have two ten years apart and no jealousy, but I'm guessing that's longer than you would like! If you're still breastfeeding apparently tandem feeding can help with jealousy.

Mine are 22 months apart and have always gotten on very well. DS is back from uni now due to lockdown and he and DD are paling around like old times.

Sibling jealousy has nothing to do with age - all to do with temperament and personality of the child. They will either get on or fight like cat and dog.