To expect people to leave a message if they want you to call them back

[Pineapplesareforever]

On Saturday morning i missed a phone call from a friend who never normally calls me. By the time I saw the missed call on my phone, a good hour or so had passed and there was no voice message or text asking me to call her. So I thought nothing more of it, and carried on with my day, assuming that if it was something important she would have either called again or left a message for me to get back to her. Turns out that it was important, she had had a row with her DP and wanted someone to talk to, and friend is now in a huff that I didn't call her back when I saw the missed call. I've obviously apologised for not getting back to her but am curious about whether other people would automatically call someone back after seeing a missed call.

If it was a random number I'd ignore it.

If it was a friend or family member I'd message or call back, because I'm not in the habit of ignoring my friends or family.

I wouldn’t call back, especially if an hour or so had lapsed before I saw it. I’d presumed they dialled my number by accident, if they hadn’t left a message.

I'd have either called or texted to see if shes ok. I cant believe anyone would see someones tried to get in contact with them and just ignore it, how strange.

I detest voicemail however if I saw a missed call from a friend I’d text and see if they still needed me
Wouldn’t ignore it

I would never think to return a missed call if no message was left. TBH I am very disinterested in my phone and would probably not even notice it.

Yabu. If someone calls me I assume they want to talk to me so I return the call. I think she's unreasonable to be in a huff with you about it though.

If it was a number unknown to me, I wouldn't call back unless they left a message.

If I had a missed call from a friend, especially one that doesn't normally call, I would give them a message

Completely agree OP.

I take 'missed call only' to mean they wanted to speak to me at that moment but that moment has passed.

Anyone who actually wants me to respond would leave a message, or text.

I would always ring or text back if I see a missed call.

So would I. I'm not so full of my own self importance that I don't return phone calls to friends and family. I wouldn't if I didn't recognise the number because it is likely to be one of those "you've had an accident" calls.

Anyone notice that they have stopped now?

I wouldn’t text back - I’d assume she’d called me by mistake as I often do this myself. I’d expect someone to text if they really wanted to speak to me.

I wouldn’t be friends with someone who went into a huff about this either - very childish. Who are you, her therapist?

I don’t necessarily have me phone on me (late 30s, so not quite the generation that grew up with them). I might not see a call for half a day. I would probably text but only if I wasn’t running around like a maniac (things here are frantic because of the impact of lockdown).

I don’t really see the point of voice mails, never leave them and rarely listen to mine - what’s the point?
Yes I know you want to speak to me, as you called and I see the missed call. Therefore I call them back or make contact.
I think it’s up to you when you call your friend back, she can’t demand an instant response, but it shows to her that she perhaps is t high in your priorities. You’re not wrong, but I guess it does t feel nice for your friend.

I'd also always call back if I had a missed call from a friend - don't see the point in leaving an additional message as you can see they've called you so obviously they wanted to talk! I'd only message if it was a pocket dial or something urgent.

No. I'd never call back if there was no message.

I think it might be a generational thing. I also wouldn't call back immediately unless there was a message. I might call or message in the next few hours or the next day and mentioned that friend had been trying to call me but if someone really wants to speak to me then they will make an effort to do so.

A kind of related example: over the weekend, I had a call from friend who was after a casual chat whilst she was in a long queue outside Tesco. If I had missed the call and tried to call her back the moment would have passed, she would probably have been shopping or driving, and we would have entered into some kind of phone ping pong of missed calls. And i'm sure that if i hadn't answered she would've just moved on to someone else in her phone book. She, hopefully, would have felt ignored or slighted because I didn't call her back.

wouldn't have felt ignored

I'm not so full of my own self importance that I don't return phone calls to friends and family.

Interesting way to put it. I'd say I'm not so full of self importance that I assume that if I call people and don't bother to leave a message they will nontheless be expected to chase me to see whether I still want to talk or not. Seems to me that it is the friend full of self importance here as it takes seconds to leave a voice mail but they didn't bother yet still expect the OP to both notice that they'd call and follow up to see what was up. Highly arrogant IMHO.

For those who wouldn't ring back, how would you feel if it was a friend or family member who'd had a fall or accident or were in trouble or feeling really low and for some reason weren't able or didn't get a chance to leave a message?

Just call or text back, it's no skin off your nose if it's someone you know and love. Sure, most of the time they'll just want a chat or to ask you a question but you won't know until you ask.

YANBU, I wouldn't return a missed call unless a message was left. I might text them, but I might not.

Lockheart mumsnet is full of posters who never answer the door, never answer the phone unless someone has sent a letter making an appointment to ring them or who never make phone calls.

In these days of modern technology and improved communications some people make it harder than ever to be contactable

I don't understand how people don't get a chance to leave a message. The only way they know you're not answering is voicemail kicks in. Wait 5 seconds then they can leave a quick message. It's not hard?

It is probably generational. I remember when no one could get hold of you if you were out. They also couldn't leave messages, so you never knew they'd even called. Bliss really.

I don't have my phone on me every minute. I'd be lucky to check it every few hours. If people need me, they need to leave a message.

I wouldn't call back unless it was my mum. If it's that important, they'd have left a message. Might just have been a bum call.

I hate receiving voicemails so I try not to leave them for others. If someone doesn’t answer I text them and ask them to call me back.

However, I would return a missed call as it does seem to be expected as you know whose call you missed.

If they don't leave a voice message, call repeatedly, or text, I would assume it wasn't important.

And if someone does leave a voice message or text, I prefer more info than "call me back", unless what they need to say is so serious or heavy that it can't be summarised briefly. Basic manners, imo.

@k1233 I can't speak for everyone, but when I was suicidal I would call people but wouldn't leave a voicemail. If they didn't pick up my head told me they were ignoring me and didn't want me to leave a voicemail, so I didn't.

Thank god I had friends and family who cared enough about me to ring me back despite me committing the crime of not leaving a voicemail!