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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Help me support my friend. Wedding related.

57 replies

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 10:45

My friend and he partner have been together for 6 years, and are engaged. She has never particularly wanted to get married, but made a compromise because she loves him. However he adamant she does not want a wedding. This started off fine, but is now becoming an issue as he really wants a big celebration with friends and family and it is literally her worst nightmare. She has been here almost everyday in tears and is considering ending their relationship.
I am on her side, because the reason he wants a big wedding is not to upset his mother. I’m of the belief that she’s had her wedding and it’s none of her business how they get married, but I appreciate I am biased as I love my friend.

Who is being unreasonable, if anyone?
I don’t know how to support my friend, other than just to tell her to go with what she feels his best but I feel like she just needs some practical advise.

Any mn wisdom would be awesome. Thankyou.

OP posts:

lynzpynz · 03/05/2020 11:18

You sound like a caring friend OP.

It sounds like your friend has compromised and said she will agree to marriage. Her partner appears to then want her to compromise further and have a big song and dance wedding which she also doesn't want. Where is his compromise in all this?

I agree fully this is not his mother's day, too many people end up compromising their wedding so much to please everyone else their own plans are lost in it all.

Time for a big chat with her partner, she will agree to marriage but it will be small and intimate and on her terms or it won't be happening. That's the compromise - anything else is just her being forced down a path she doesn't want. She needs to explain her anxiety (although he should already be aware?!) over the thought of a big wedding over say 15-20 people and that it is simply not an option.

Sounds really tough as she obviously wants to stay with him, loves him, but they have very different ideas. A wedding is one day, marriage is planning a whole life together.

Seeingadistance · 03/05/2020 11:22

Ending the relationship sounds like a wise thing to do.

Original poster

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 11:30

Yeah they are on completely opposite ends of the scale. He wants a wedding for 200 people’s and she wants it abroad with 2 strangers as witnesses. I can kind of see from his point of view too though.
I hope they don’t break up, they’re very in love. This is just such a huge thing that are on such disagreement with.
I want to suggest she gets some help with her anxiety, as I know that’s the only reason she doesn’t want a wedding. She is not happy with how she looks and gets embarrassed easily.

OP posts:

Livebythecoast · 03/05/2020 11:45

They need to find a 'happy medium' (and I don't mean a cheerful clairvoyant ).

200 people vs a couple of strangers at witnesses is at very extreme ends of the scale so they need to compromise. Nobody should be forced into a big wedding that will make them unhappy and anxious just to please others. It could lead to resentment later on.
You obviously care about your friend which is lovely but all you can do is listen, advise and offer support. At the end of the day, it's up to them to work this out and I really hope they do

Original poster

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 11:49

I’ve suggested maybe a private ceremony and then a big party for everyone? That’s what I did. My husband and I eloped to Cuba, then just had a big party when we got back. She said that’s something she would consider.

OP posts:

ElizabethinherGermanGarden · 03/05/2020 11:55

Where do they live in the country? There will be fabulous hotels that do tiny weddings for family only where you spend the money and get the photos and have fabulous luxury but with a little guest list. For example, a friend did this at the Ashdown Hotel in the hundred acres wood and it looked incredible from the photos. They had 12 guests and top luxury all the way. Could be a compromise option.

Original poster

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 11:59

She literally wants no one there. Not even her own mother. She feels that getting married in the first place is her compromise so he should be the one who compromises on this. Which I get, but also think it’s unfair for him to have a shitty day.

OP posts:

BogRollBOGOF · 03/05/2020 12:00

Compromises such as a small ceremony and seperate party are avaliable.

The bigger issue is that if he can't compromise with her in favour of his mum's wishes, will this conflict arise in the future, especially over parenting.

She has got one thing in her favour at the moment, smaller weddings look likely to be easier to organise in the near future than grand events of 100+ people!

ScrapThatThen · 03/05/2020 12:01

They need to sort this because it will become the template for every dispute they ever have. It doesn't sound right that she is so upset - can't she talk to him about it, or is he steam rollering her. Not a great start to a marriage.

Strawberryshortcake28 · 03/05/2020 12:01

This was me I hate being the centre of attention and suffer social anxiety I felt pressured by my mum and husband to have a wedding as I was the fist in the family to be engaged I wanted to elope and get married just the two of us on a beach in Thailand we ended up compramising and got married in Spain with 30 people still got my beach wedding and those who made the effort to come were really close family who I felt comfortable around I was still so anxious about it but enjoyed it in the end after a couple if drinks also had the hen and stag over there kept the attention to a minimum

my advice would be not to drag the wedding out if your an anxious bride get it over with as soon as you can

Purplequalitystreet · 03/05/2020 12:05

What is her reasoning for wanting such a small ceremony? Is it social anxiety or something else? Is she estranged from her family?

I would say there must be a compromise. At the very least, her DP should be entitled to invite his immediate family. If she doesn't want to invite her, that's up to her. It's unreasonable to bar his close family from a wedding though

Bluetrews25 · 03/05/2020 12:06

Compromise should be from both sides - she does something about her anxiety, and he tells his DMum to back off and they both opt for a smaller event.

Original poster

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 12:09

It’s anxiety. She loves other people’s weddings, and she loves the planning side of things. It’s the thought of being the centre of attention all day, makes her feel sick. Groom us the only child and it would crush his mum to not be invited to his wedding which I also get. It’s such a hard situation because neither of them are wrong, just on different pages!

OP posts:

Alicemovedtothecity · 03/05/2020 12:23

Awww your poor friend. I have a similar situation myself, I have been friends with a guy for years we met through friends and worked near each other years back. He liked me from day one apparently but I was in a relationship at the time. When that relationship ended we started dating about a year after but when talks about the future came up he was adamant he wanted to get married! I personally have never had the urge to want to get married, it honestly is something I fear all eyes etc on me my anxiety would hit the roof I also just don’t see the point. People make promises and sometimes break them a Piece of paper doesn’t change anything. I said I would get engaged but that would be it and I saw That as big of a
Commitment as marriage. He is adamant he wants a wedding, a big one! He cant understand why I dont and has said it’s every girls dream
In the end it became such a sore subject we drifted apart as I felt hurt he couldn’t understand my feelings. We are still very good friends and talk a few times a Week as well as catch up for dinner every so often. But that’s it. He did get engaged a few years ago to a girl after 3months it didn’t work out though and they broke up months later.
Everyone asks why we are not together and he says ‘cause she won’t marry me’ and I say ‘we want different things’ lol. It’s become a running joke tbh between our friends. It’s sad cause we would be good together but I won’t back down and do something I don’t want and he won’t compromise and just be in a loving relationship with someone without a Wedding!

Purplequalitystreet · 03/05/2020 12:56

If it's anxiety then he needs to understand that and a 200 person wedding is not on. However, neither is barring his mother. It will cause resentment that is really not a good start to a wedding.

There are lots of ways of making a wedding low key without excluding people entirely. She doesn't have to wear a big white frock and walk down the aisle if this is the stuff of nightmares. I know plenty of people who just wore a nice dress and walked in together, then had a small meal with family and close friends. Would that be an option?

Original poster

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 13:11

They’re both being equally stubborn so I can’t see how this will turn out. It’s sad though! This is literally the only issue they have in their relationship.

OP posts:

crosstalk · 03/05/2020 13:33

Sorry OP - did you mean to write "she's been here nearly every day in tears"? That sounded so strange I had to check your post wasn't written before social distancing. Do you mean on the phone to you?

heartsonacake · 03/05/2020 13:46

This is literally the only issue they have in their relationship.

Well it isn’t, though, is it OP? Because by insisting on this he’s showing her he doesn’t care about her feelings or her mental health, and those are a whole host of issues.

And I really hope you all haven’t been breaking lockdown with her coming to you nearly everyday.

Original poster

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 14:05

Yes she’s been coming here, our decision we’re ok with it.

OP posts:

ChicCroissant · 03/05/2020 14:09

Is this the only thing that triggers her anxiety OP? Or does their life together have to fit round any other triggers for her?

I'm surprised that someone suffering from anxiety is happy to visit other households during the lockdown tbh.

RandomMess · 03/05/2020 14:18

They really need some joint counselling.

To me the "red flag" is the he wants to prioritise what his Mum wants over what his future wife wants... so keeping Mummy is more important than finding something that works for them as a couple?

Is that going to be his way for the rest of their life together?

Original poster

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 14:24

Her anxiety is purely about “being on display”. Which I get, I suffer with social anxiety too.
But in the flip side I really don’t see wanting your own mother at your wedding a red flag. I’m trying to remain impartial as I really like my friends fiancée and I think he’s just stuck in the middle.

OP posts:

RandomMess · 03/05/2020 14:29

Earlier you said that MIL to be is the one wanting a 200 guest event...

I agree the compromise would have to be tiny wedding/elopement + party or a small intimate wedding with say up to 20 guests.

The could simply have a registry office and then go to a restaurant with those sort of numbers.

Her DF needs to be clear on what is most important to him about a wedding though - the wedding his Mum wants, a wedding that his wife will agree to with him being able to invite x y z...

Original poster

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 14:46

Both really. Fiancée wants a huge wedding but also knows that this would make his mum happy. Fiancée is willing to compromise to a small wedding, with maybe 10 people.
Friend is adamant that she wants zero guests so they are at an impasse.

OP posts:

AlpacaGoodnight · 03/05/2020 14:54

I think they both need to compromise. A small ceremony at home or abroad with just parents and possible siblings and families sounds like the best way froward in this scenario

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