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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Help me support my friend. Wedding related.

57 replies

Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 10:45

My friend and he partner have been together for 6 years, and are engaged. She has never particularly wanted to get married, but made a compromise because she loves him. However he adamant she does not want a wedding. This started off fine, but is now becoming an issue as he really wants a big celebration with friends and family and it is literally her worst nightmare. She has been here almost everyday in tears and is considering ending their relationship.
I am on her side, because the reason he wants a big wedding is not to upset his mother. I’m of the belief that she’s had her wedding and it’s none of her business how they get married, but I appreciate I am biased as I love my friend.

Who is being unreasonable, if anyone?
I don’t know how to support my friend, other than just to tell her to go with what she feels his best but I feel like she just needs some practical advise.

Any mn wisdom would be awesome. Thankyou.

OP posts:
Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 03/05/2020 15:07

I’d be gutted if I wasn't invited to my children’s weddings. If they ran off and did it with strangers I’m not sure a relationship would recover. Can the mums be witnesses instead of strangers?

HopeYouStepOnALego · 03/05/2020 15:10

I think your friend is being very unreasonable. Her DF has compromised by agreeing to 10 guests. I think she should allow his immediate family to be there.

Original poster
Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 15:18

I really can’t see her backing down she’s so stubborn Grin
I feel bad because she uses my wedding as an example. We had 2 strangers as witnesses and that was it but that was what we BOTH wanted. So I’m kind of feeling this is my fault Grin

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 03/05/2020 15:44

If they can't compromise on their wedding day then I don't think they should be getting married tbh.

A wedding is one day, marriage is (in an ideal world) for good.

A healthy relationship would mean they could find a compromise, a middle ground, instead of both sticking to the absolute extremes of the spectrum with no room to manoeuvre.

They aren't compatible enough to make this work.

Original poster
Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 16:08

My suggestion of her getting drunk first didn’t go down well Grin they would be absolutely stupid to break up over this. I hope they sort it out.

OP posts:
GeoffreyPercival · 03/05/2020 16:15

NC as possibly outing. I was in this situation. I wanted to get married, but wanted a small wedding as I’m quite a shy person. DH wanted c150 guests, mainly so his whole family could attend and his parents could enjoy being part of the wedding party. I agreed to compromise, as it was so important to him, although i knew i would struggle as I’m not someone who likes to be centre of attention.

I struggled all day and really didn’t enjoy it. I finally relaxed when we got back to our hotel and had a drink in the bar with a few friends. DH now jokes that i missed my own wedding, i spent so much time hiding away! I’m not some kind of weirdo, i just never wanted to be on a stage. The big wedding just wasn’t for me.

The sad end to this is that after all that, we returned from honeymoon to a letter from PIL telling us that they’d had a horrible day, we had clearly only invited them to humiliate them and they wished they hadn’t bothered attending. DH was gutted and confused. I haven’t spoken to FIL since. My advice to your friend would be to do what she is comfortable doing, the big wedding isn’t for everyone.

TheYellowOfTheEgg · 03/05/2020 16:24

I think that your friend's fiance should have a think about whether he wants all his future big life events to revolve around her anxiety. I think this level of anxiety would be very hard to live with and could put a downer on his and their children's future opportunites to have any fun.

He should compromise on the numbers, but it's not unreasonable to want his family at his wedding.

Original poster
Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 16:48

I can’t really think of any future events where this would be a problem? It’s literally just the wedding.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/05/2020 16:51

Why did she not want to get married, ie why is that such a compromise for her?

My DH wanted to be married but not have a wedding so we had a small wedding 35 guests I think and just an afternoon service and buffet meal afterwards no first dance centre of attention stuff.

Original poster
Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 16:55

She just doesn’t belive in marriage. She doesn’t like that fact the he might be entitled to half of her stuff if they split up. She literally looks at it like a ball and chain. I know, so romantic Grin

OP posts:
RandomMess · 03/05/2020 17:00

Well maybe this isn't something they can compromise on because ultimately she really doesn't want to be married or have a wedding... hence her being so stubborn.

I think they need some professional independent counselling (available on line) as the marriage issue and the wedding issue could both be deal breakers.

Why is he set on being married?

Ginfordinner · 03/05/2020 17:13

I agree that they both need to compromise. It shouldn't be all about his mum, nor should it be all about what your friend wants either. IMO your friend is being more selfish, as at least her fiance is prepared to come to some sort of compromise.

She needs to get help for her anxiety. And she shouldn't keep coming to your house either Hmm

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 03/05/2020 17:18

To be honest I think the MIL’s wishes is a red herring, the wedding size and fuss another one. She is crying because she doesn’t want to be the wife of this man but is afraid to loose him.

I guess she needs to be honest with herself before going ahead with anything, if she cannot trust him not to keep half of her assets, why did she agree to marry him.

Pukkatea · 03/05/2020 17:22

I think your friend is BU and needs to rethink this. She shouldn't be looking at marriage as if she's being forced into it - she's going to start off married life full of resentment. But also, it is absolutely unfair of her to expect her partner not to have any of his family or friends at his wedding. The strangers as witnesses thing is fine if like you, both are on board, but it might be his worst nightmare in the same way a 200 party would be for her. I certainly would absolutely hate to get married with noone there but strangers!

Sushiroller · 03/05/2020 17:26

Covid is the perfect excuse and I think now is a a reckless time to be spending 40k + on a wedding.

They should do registry office with immediate family and a dinner or lunch on the promise of a big party on their one year anniversary (to keep MIL happy)

She can then leave it to DH to organise which he won't and it'll never happen...

Sushiroller · 03/05/2020 17:28

Just read the update Blush

I'd recommend a prenup if she is dead set on continuing otherwise she should just explain she isn't up for it.

Original poster
Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 17:30

She can then leave it to DH to organise which he won't and it'll never happen...

Where on earth have you got that impression from?!

OP posts:
Nombie · 03/05/2020 17:40

YANBU I am in the same boat with my other half only we both wanna get married but I want a low key quiet but classy affair and he wants a big to do as he has a large family. I don't wanna waste the money even if it's someone else's (in laws offered to pay).

It's hard and so far we've not been able to plan anything for almost 5 years of engagement due to this difference of what we both want.

We are now pregnant with our first and with that and Covid wedding plans are out of the window for awhile but I don't like attention and it's all about us and everyone looking at us. I am kinda hoping the baby will help us tone it down a little.

I wouldn't end a relationship over it unless there's other major issues. At the end of the day it's one day or a few days of your life which you'll likely forget most of unless you look through the pictures regularly. In my mind it's not even about that day particularly as long as two people who love each other are there what does it matter where it is or who is there. Only those two people should matter and that they are there together.

We will start our planning in earnest again when the baby arrives. Want to have it done within the first year.

suspiciouscowboy · 03/05/2020 18:02

I think there has to be a compromise. If I didnt get a wedding I would feel like I missed out on such a special once in a life time moment.

I think she is being selfish to deny her partner this experience but he will have to make enormous compromises to make it more suitable.

If my DP was like this I would have a small ceremony with my DP and then a big after party which they could choose to skip.

InFiveMins · 03/05/2020 18:10

She should leave him. That is harsh and abrupt, but he should respect her wishes. I would only be with someone who agreed or compromised with me - he doesn't sound as though he is making the same effort.

Original poster
Chiyo666 · 03/05/2020 18:12

infive so you don’t have to agree or compromise with anyone else? That’s not fair surely?

They’ve both compromised, it’s just not been enough.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 03/05/2020 18:18

Have you read the OP's updates InFiveMins? The fiance has compromised. The friend wants it her way or the highway and isn't prepared to compromise at all.

RandomMess · 03/05/2020 18:21

Both have compromised 🤷🏽‍♀️

I don't think I could marry someone that really didn't want to marry me though... it's not like she doesn't want to marry because of the do, she would rather not get married so her compromise is huge - it is a huge legal commitment...

LochJessMonster · 03/05/2020 18:25

Yes she’s been coming here, our decision we’re ok with it. well that’s ok, you can break the law as long as you are ok with it Hmm
On the plus side, the wedding won’t happen anytime soon as we will be in lockdown even longer due to your actions.

MummytoCSJH · 03/05/2020 18:51

@Ginfordinner the compromise by the friend was agreeing to get married at all!