To ignore what I’ve found out.

[CD41]

Posting here for traffic. Decided to research my family tree. I’ve tried before and didn’t have enough time so thought lockdown might be perfect.

I already have a lot of info on my maternal grandmothers side but nothing on my maternal grandfathers side. I was incredibly close to my grandad. He only died a couple months ago but he didn’t talk about his family much.

So tonight I was doing some basic searching on ancestry. I learnt that my grandads mum and dad got married 8 months before he as born. Maybe it’s because she was pregnant? Who knows.

Doesn’t sound too bad but my grandad has a brother 5 years older than him who I always assumed to have the same father as they share the same name. I then discovered that my grandads dad appeared to be married until maybe 18 months before he was born. I never knew he had a first wife. It also means that he would have been married to first wife when my great uncle (still alive and in his 80’s) was born so likely not his dad after all unless it was an affair at first. It appears my grandads dads first wife died young. It didn’t seem likely they had children.

I tried finding my great uncles birth registration. It appears that his name was changed from his mother’s maiden name to my grandads surname. But obviously without seeing the birth certificate no idea who great uncles father is.

Bearing in mind my grandads dad died when he was very young and he cannot really remember him. It would also make sense as my grandad had the same name as his dad. Surely a first born son would take the name? Not the second? I had never even thought of that way before.

Now aibu to not say anything? I assume if my grandad did know he didn’t tell anyone or he may have just told my granny and they kept it quiet. Or maybe he didn’t know..

I guess nothing has changed for my grandad. His mum and dad were his parents regardless but it’s his brother who maybe lived a lie and they were in fact half brothers (I don’t think that makes any difference, my children have different fathers but consider them just brother and sister not half of anything).

They also had another older brother who their mum had really young.

Shall I just keep quiet? I worry if I tell my mum she’ll just go telling everyone and it’s probably not the right thing to do right now.

Aibu to keep it to myself?

ILuv it is possible to find out exact dates of birth and death on Ancestry. Eg probate records for date of death.

I like seeing how far back it's possible to go.

"Back then secrets were shameful, whereas it isn't really seen as shameful any more (for example, having a child out of wedlock, young, etc) it brought terrible shame on a family back then, and even to a certain extent, only as recent as in the 80s."

Try 90s for the older generation alive then. My DGM didn't tell my DM when one of my DM's cousins got pregnant with her DP in the 90s and there are chunks of family history that are missing from the family trees, but certain people know who they are. This was only discussed once my grandmother and siblings had all gone.

For people of their generation secrets were to be kept.
Stay quiet and spare them.

Definitely let it lie. My dad was very upset when he discovered information from his parents past

Things were hush hush and sadly so for many. Interestingly my grandma, who would now be just over 100 knew she was born out of wedlock. Her stepfather then took her on as his own. She then got pregnant herself at 15 and married my grandfather. They went on to have several other children and when I was older she joked about her sex life to me. I wish I’d both asked her more and remembered more. My memory is shot from illness. She was definitely a character!!

As for dh. His grandma was very briefly married to a violent man and quickly divorced him. Her father rescued her by all accounts. Even so, this must have been a scandal. I’m not sure exactly when she was born but she was a young adult during WWII during which time she gave birth to dh’s mother. She had no children with her first husband and his grandfather’s wife died leaving a child, whom she took on as her own. His aunt was very kind to his grandma and they seemed to have a loving relationship. None of this was a family secret btw.

What would be gained by telling your great uncle about your findings? If he doesn't know I can't see how finding out at this stage of his life will help him, but it could potentially hurt him, particularly given that you don't know who his real father is and may well not be able to find out. I don't think many people would welcome being told in old age that they might not be quite who they think they are.
Or alternatively, he might already know. If he does, but hasn't told anyone then I think you can be fairly sure that he doesn't want anyone else to know and so is unlikely to welcome you sharing the news.
The explosion in online genealogy sites, DNA testing and the like is very much a two edged sword. It is fascinating and can have some very positive outcomes, but it can also reveal long hidden secrets or pose more questions than answers.
I have done quite extensive research into my own family and had a fairly detailed look at my DH's ancestry too. I have discovered that quite a lot of interesting stuff, some of which I have chosen not to reveal, or at least not yet. Unless everyone likely to be troubled by the news is already dead, or there is a genuine need to share information- for instance if you discovered important medical information- then I think information found on Ancestry and similar sites should be kept private.
It also needs to be remember that it is quite easy to make mistakes, particularly if you use information from family trees that others have created, and even official records cannot be guaranteed 100% accurate (I bet there are loads of people with the wrong person named as their father on the birth certificate for instance. ) It is a great hobby, but it should be viewed as just a hobby in my opnion.

I agree about keeping schtum Op. Family secrets were kept secret for a reason, and could potentially cause a lot of upset if they were revealed.
I also have my fair share of family secrets. I have four Great Aunts, the eldest being 15 years older than the youngest. Some years ago, my mother did some family research, and discovered that the eldest Great Aunt was "sent away" at six months pregnant, to return three months later with the youngest Great Aunt. As it turned out, the 15 year old had fallen pregnant to a married factory owner, so her mother had agreed to pass the baby off as being her own so as to avoid scandal and ostracism. I'm not sure of the exact year, but this would have been around 1900ish.

Seriously? Who the hell would want to know who exactly was their great great great grandfather? And why would they care?

What a strange thing to say! Many people are interested in tracing their family history - just because you aren't interested it doesn't mean others aren't. Why bother to comment at all?

I strongly believe that it's not your information to tell, it belonged to them and it was being kept a secret (as opposed to a lie) for a reason, probably to protect someone or more people. I don't think you have the right to "pry" (and by that I mean, to change someone's view of their past). I do love ancestry though, it's fascinating and my mom discovered a long lost cousin (secretly conceived to an American soldier during WWII) not too long ago!

Yeah definitely don't say anything.

Family secrets are odd things. My dad found something out, I think it was something like: his grandad had a child with his first wife and then more children with second wife after first wife died. First and second wife were sisters! He had originally thought all the children had the same mother.

He called a cousin about it and she knew.

Might be that what you have discovered is already known by people in the family but best left unsaid.

You are you, and I believe that your most fundamental link is with homo sapiens. My father is abhorrent, but still living in a nursing home. Why does it matter to you about your ancestors?

Many families have things like this. Mine has, what looked to be misunderstandings of dates, covered up some major upsets.

A blighted life, it explained some behaviour, one man came out of it well, another man should have gone to prison. #metoo.

Don't fret about it, its happened. You can’t change it.

We are doing my Family tree at the moment and on ancestry too..

We have found out that my mothers fathers mum was not actually her mum.. by the looks of it the father had kids with someone else and then she gave the kid up, we have his birth certificate but we can’t find any matches for the mums maiden name at all and it comes up with 2nd cousins on my mothers family tree who we can’t match so we presume her fathers biological birth mother went on to have more kids although we can’t find any record of her in the maiden name or family name.

Same here, lots of scandal. Both my parents’ parents had a pregnancy before a marriage. Great grandad was in and out of Wakefield prison for petty crime and child neglect (known alcoholic).

Lots of the many children on both sides died young.

Fascinating reading.

It may be interesting to you but it’s not your secret to tell, even more so, if you suspect others will discuss it.

Maybe there’s a reason your DGF didn’t talk about his family much, you need to respect that, especially as you were so close.

Certainly not uncommon in those days. I’m not sure why you would feel the need to share?

We found out my grandparents married a year later than they said they did at the funeral of one of them (I can’t remember which - they died a couple of months apart).

This meant their eldest was born 4 months after the wedding.

My dad is a genealogical nut and I have to admit that I am too to an extent and have helped him at times. To me it is puzzle cracking / sleuthing and I can't say I am proud or ashamed of anything we have turned up.

I haven't done anything on my mum's side as her family come from a former communist country where it is clear that some dark things have happened in the last century. I might delve when another generation is dead, but it would involve working in a language I'm not at a 100% level with and I am sure would turn up more than illegitimate children.

So far as OP goes: sleep on it. For a year and a day and probably then some. One of my dad's cousins has done some tracing too and (apart from being a poor searcher and trusting dodgy work from others) has put his foot in it over a 'family matter'.

However, if you are finding things in publicly available records, the 'truth' is out there really and all it needs is stitching together by someone else, or a machine. Someone else will / will have gone over the same ground as you.

My elderly DF was born to a single mother in the 30's . He was brought up by various married family members who had their own children. His DM visited regularly and he always knew she was his Mum.
My DGM never married, lived with the stigma of having an illegitimate son all her life and was devastated the day she realised her grandchildren knew the circumstances of their father's birth.
Wish I knew who my Grandfather was though.
Let sleeping dogs lie OP, telling your Mother or Great Uncle could raise things best left alone.

3 of my 4 grandparents were the eldest of their sibling group (born in the 1910s) and in all cases the parents clearly married because of pregnancy- I suspect it was very common and a prompt to get married.

Another one for let sleeping dogs lie. Can’t imagine why you want to throw that out there now, this stuff benefits no one.

No good would come from telling him, none at all.

Sometimes it also explains things.

My maternal great grandmother was in a mental institution for many years and died in it. My DM always had a fear of institutions as her Grandmother was put away. Me and my sister have a theory that GGM has undiagnosed post-natal depression and are even more convinced now, as recently found out my G grandparents had another daughter who died at under 3 months 2 years before my Grandmother’s birth.

So can just imagine GGM lost one daughter and petrified when she had another, but being 1920s there was no understanding of mental health issues so was sent off to an institution and became institutionalised. The poor woman.

Only found out in last 12 months so never got to tell my Mum but was able to tell her brother.

A lady in her 70s told me that when her mother died they discovered that her sister was the child of an affair with a neighbour. Even in her 70s the sister was devastated to discover that her whole life had been a lie - so I anyone is still alive, I'd leave it - they either know already, or may not want to know.

I agree with the above posts that it wouldn’t serve any benefit in telling people. Family secrets were family secrets in the past.

In my family, one relative didn’t realise their brother was adopted until their parents died. Their parents had never told any of them. It was only on discovery of the adoption notes when they were clearing out the paperwork they discovered the truth.

We discovered compleatly by accident that my nan had another daughter before my mum and out of wedlock (discovered through a photo ) when she was very young.
My nan was devastated and it turned out that the child was a product of rape and her devout catholic mother has send her to a nunary to have the baby who was then taken away and adopted all she had was that 1 photo. We were never suppost to know.