To think that being a good mother/enjoying motherhood isn't "cool"?

[phoebemakesnoise]

Hi everyone. I have 2 children, 5 and 1 years old and I've noticed, on social media especially that there is an almost competitiveness over who can be the worst mum. I'm not talking beating your kids, or anything serious like that, but who cooked the most unhealthy dinner, who gave their kid the iPad for longest so they could drink gin (why does everyone suddenly drink gin?), referring to them as "little arseholes", etc. I am in no way claiming to be a perfect parent, but I don't understand this. Honestly, these are things I used to do when I was severely depressed and I felt quite ashamed about it but it seems like some are almost bragging. I should add, I noticed this way before lockdown happened and don't think it is related.

Hmm. I see both kinds of posts - the ones you describe, and the opposite too. I guess social media lends itself to extremes in either direction, and the thing you're never going to see is "had a mediocre day out with the kids today" or "DC behaved quite well but not perfectly".

Not in my world.

There a bit of tongue in cheek “gosh can’t wait to open the wine” but people I know seem to take this new homeschooling paradigm very seriously.

In 16 years of being a parent I’ve never heard anoint refer to their child as a little arsehole and honestly I’d be disgusted if I did.

I think it's a nice change from the other side where people 'perfect parent' and post loads of things saying how amazing parenthood is, how their days are full of activity then their child falls into bed and has a full 12 hours of sleep and has done since they were 3 days old etc.

The truth is most of is are in between some days we nail it, others we don't 🤷‍♀️

I had to vote YABU as I don't have any of this on my Facebook, I have friends of all ages some with young children, some with teens and some with grown up kids but none of them post anything like that.

Literally everyone I know calls their kids assholes, shits etc. Different circles I guess. The “slummy mummy” thing does annoy me though. One of the reasons I came off Facebook.

Oh gosh yes. I love the 'scummy mummies' brand as much as anyone but I do feel they have contributed to this quote heavily.

One of my friends has called her baby a little arsehole since she was born! I hate it!

Yanbu, I've stopped using FB partly to this. Enjoy your kids!

It's a backlash against the positive parenting posts. Things change every so often, just like fashion. It's not enough to have drainpipe jeans, you must despise flares and all those who wore them. It's not enough to have bootcut jeans, you must exclaim in shame over those skinny things you're wearing in your Eighties photos.

Right now, gin and a slight air of desperation is the fashionable mother format. Annabel Karmel is far too 2002.

It's a form of bonding, that's all.

I think it all depends on what social media you follow. There are loads of blogs dedicated to being the perfect mother and homemaker. People make a complete art out of it and there’s a whole big community. I suspect you’re just following the wrong type of people.

I think you’re overthinking it a bit tbh. I think it’s probably just people letting off a bit of steam, poking fun at themselves. Being a mum is hard work and can make you feel like you’re in danger of losing your identity - I don’t think you can blame people from wanting to claw a bit of their life back.

I mean gratuitous shows of drunkenness on social media are embarrassing in anyone but occasionally letting your hair down is harmless enough.

You can’t expect people to keep up a Victorian ideal of perfect motherhood all the time.

I used to call DD my little haemorrhoid when she was a baby because she was such a pain in the butt.

I call it competitive apathy.

Obviously most of it is tongue in cheek but I do find it a little eye-rolly.

Yes, yes we get it. You don't give any fucks and your child is being raised by wolves.

It’s just a backlash against all the perfect parenting posturing and ridiculous expectations on parents nowadays.

It’s tongue in cheek. Calm down.

YANBU. It is a trend that I assume was started with a good intention -to reassure those who don't feel they can meet the standards of the carefully constructed "perfect" family lives sometimes seen on social media. Some of it was was quite amusing at first, but now, it is just annoying, repetitive and every bit as fake as the alleged perfection.

Agreed @LaurieMarlow. It bears about as much resemblance to reality as social media depictions of motherhood as full of ruffled pinnies, homemade sourdough and endless Instagrammable laughter with toddlers in adorable quirky outfits.

I agree with @LaurieMarlow, it’s just a tide-turn after all of the unrealistic stepford mummy type posts, and it’s done with humour, to show comradeship with all of the other less than perfect parents who are brave enough to admit that they some times mess up or don’t follow The Parenting Handbook.
In some ways it’s healthier than everyone presenting a perfect façade.

I guess social media lends itself to extremes in either direction, and the thing you're never going to see is "had a mediocre day out with the kids today" or "DC behaved quite well but not perfectly".
Oh this! I would love to subscribe to a "perfectly average mum" feed so that my own deviations from both extremes don't feel so bad.

Mumsnet never fails to make me feel glad that I'm not friends with tossers on Facebook, nor in real life.

I'm no earth mother, not by a long stretch, and I don't do competitive martyrdom. But I once had a colleague who referred to her toddler as a 'wee bitch' and I judged so hard I'm sure my eyes bored holes in her.

I couldn't agree more, MrsAvocet.

Also the scorn for anyone remotely proud of their child.

People can really take it too far.

I don't know anyone like this in real life, but have seen lots of the comedy type ones. I admit that if you post something along those lines you'll get lots of positive feedback, but people won't take to you very much if you say you enjoy it and do well at it. People don't like anyone they think is smug.

I've also seen lots of quite (imo) gross posts where mums are uploading videos of their child reading or writing and these children are quite exceptional. I think it's sad for the parents who are struggling with home schooling to see this.

@GlendaSugarbeanIsJudgingYou I always called it competitive laissez faire 😂

I like that better, Indecent. :o

Tbh anything competitive/extreme is shit, especially when the rules are arbitrary and very subjective.

Most people subscribe to the good enough school of parenting with random highs and lows in between.