To think that being a good mother/enjoying motherhood isn't "cool"?

[phoebemakesnoise]

Hi everyone. I have 2 children, 5 and 1 years old and I've noticed, on social media especially that there is an almost competitiveness over who can be the worst mum. I'm not talking beating your kids, or anything serious like that, but who cooked the most unhealthy dinner, who gave their kid the iPad for longest so they could drink gin (why does everyone suddenly drink gin?), referring to them as "little arseholes", etc. I am in no way claiming to be a perfect parent, but I don't understand this. Honestly, these are things I used to do when I was severely depressed and I felt quite ashamed about it but it seems like some are almost bragging. I should add, I noticed this way before lockdown happened and don't think it is related.

IMHO the people who refer to their children as little shits or arseholes from a young age end up with kids/teenagers who are shits and then the parents act all surprised that the dc are fulfilling the labels given to them.

There's a massive difference between private messaging a friend and saying that the kids are being arseholes and driving you nuts today, and actually referring to your child as it or thing or arsehole on social media or in front of them.

You reap what you sow

I'm not saying I haven't been guilty of this in the past, by the way.

When DS1 (12) was little people would always tell me how amazingly clever he was for his age. My first response was always self-deprecation and comedy. No one likes a show-off, after all.

But one day I found myself going to do it while he was standing beside me and thought "Gosh, he's going to pick up on this isn't he?" so I stopped myself and said thank you instead.

I accept any praise I get now and give lots of praise in return.

So yes, I'm Smuggy McSmuggeson.

YANBU.

I do understand that it's partly meant as a form of "we're all in it together" encouragement, but I find it really depressing if I'm honest. All this winging it, flying by the seat of my pants, who cares if Mummy is drinking gin in the kitchen while the children beat each other with ipads nonsense. Christ knows everyone has rotten days like that, but you can acknowledge the crap bits without it becoming some sort of personal trademark.

That "adultier adult" shite is it on a wider scale. We almost fetishise ineptitude. Secretly people who make a big parade of how hopeless they are think they're adorably laid back and cool, in fact they're just annoying and everyone else has to mop up after them.

It's also, frankly, a display of privilege, this hapless "can't cook dinner or clean the house so dinner is Cheerios from the floor but who cares" nonsense. I was a teenage single mother and if I'd carried on like that I'd have had social services at the door.

Just brush your child's hair, take them out a walk, do their reading with them, cook dinner while they scream and try to abseil up your knees and get on with it ffs.

*disclaimer - different if you have PND, disabilities etc and are having a really hard time keeping things together
** I am premenstrual

I’m not a parent yet but I’ve defo noticed this with friends!

It’s similar to people who fall over themselves to tell you what a surprise their pregnancy was and soo not planned.

It’s uncool to be anything other than completely chilled about everything

I think the women who moan about their kids and motherhood are doing so because they're actually really good mums and being a really good mum is tiring!

Yep, this really grates on me too. Calling tiny children arseholes, little shites, in on case of someone I know “devil child” - I find this really disrespectful, disturbing and sad. I’m sure most parents who use this language are doing fine but tbh everyone I hear someone talk about their own kids like this it makes me extra vigilant for possible signs of abuse.

I absolutely love having my children at home, and I love doing the school work with them. I'm lucky that I only work 2 days a week so other than that I'm free to help with the school stuff and having fun.
I feel like I have to largely play down how much I like it, especially the school stuff or I'll look smug and boastful.

I also assume the parents who moan on social media don't actually moan in front of their dc about parenthood but maybe I'm naive

I love doing the school work with them

I'm going to assume you have quite well behaved nt children. I'm sure those parents who don't love home schooling do love their children as much as you love yours.

I don't think Cuppa was suggesting she loves her children more.

I don't think Cuppa was suggesting she loves her children more

Yes I'm sure but I was just making the point that parents who may struggle with certain aspects of parenting or don't enjoy every moment still love their children as much as the parents who do enjoy it all.

I get you. I've never referred to my kids as assholes or anything remotely derogatory. I don't moan about them either. But I do tend to see the opposite actually quite often - perfect mummies baking 24/7 with their hash tags #making memories. Making the most twee perfect artsy fartsy shite posting it on every social platform. I'm somewhere bang snack in the middle of that.

Of course.

I adore my DC but I am certainly finding homeschooling... Trying. I thought my youngest would be tough but it's actually DS1 who has been struggling.

I never knew a "fun" project involving writing a Harry Potter poem could cause such angst. :o

I'm happy others are enjoying it, though.

I think things are very decisive. There's the slummy mummy and the perfect mummy but no one in between. On a bad day I will quite happily let my son wear his pjs all day and occupy himself tearing up old newspapers or any other task that might be messy but requires minimal input from me. However, other days are our joy when one minute of playing with him can deliver a weeks worth of happiness.

Admittedly I've used some strong words to describe my children at times - usually when crying down the phone to my sister in a sleep deprived haze when the baby hasn't slept well and my four year old has spent all day testing the rules. My children dont know I've called them little knobheads but I've said it even if I didnt mean it. I've also allowed far too much screen time at times and fed them some questionable meals. But that isn't every single day, that's on really crap days that lots of parents have, they still love their children, they are still looking after their children and they are still good parents who enjoy parenting! I dont know one single parent in real life who gas never had an awful day, nor do I know one who enjoys every single second of parenting.

When it started, years ago it was as a backlash to all the perfect parenting everywhere.

Even on forums you couldn't have a moan,no matter how hard your situation was without "enjoy every moment", "you will miss this times", "the days are long but the years are short" bla bla bla bullshit.

I know a few mums who found the other side type blogs a lifeline , because it showed them they were normal and not failing at being a parent.

The market is now slightly supersaturated and the moment has passed.

Just like with everything else , extremes are harmful . Luckily, most parents are somewhere in between.

Oh and kids can be little shits. Nothing wrong with admitting that.

Nobody is a perfect parent but I always find that if anyone says they’re enjoying parenting or their kids are doing well, someone always has to bring them down a peg or two.
They may have had other struggles but people just assume they’re being boastful rather than taking pride in that particular thing that has turned out well.

I find the public declarations uncomfortable...I'm just not into airing dirty laundry. I wouldn't call my husband an arsehole on Facebook so I certainly wouldn't my children.

My girl is 2. For me I have good days where she'll will be angel like. And other days where I'm getting toys lobbed at me and being shreiked at because I didnt put her shoes on correctly. And it is nice to share the ups and downs with my friend. Its nice to say "my kids being a butthole today" and to not feel alone and utterly shit about it.

I think that is a really good post Glenda
My DH constantly puts our children down which I find upsetting at times. It is at least partly in response to his siblings who are the exact opposite. All their children are the greatest at everything they touch and he gets long emails and phone calls detailing their latest successes. DH won't get into "my kid is better than your kid" games which I fully support him in, but it has reached the point where he never says anything fully positive. As an example, one of our boys recently won a county wide competition. Someone phoned to say "well done" and the very first thing my DH said was "Well it is only a small county you know. The standard wasn't very high really." Unfortunately, our son also heard it and it totally took the shine off his achievement. Nothing I said afterwards could undo that. Ok, nobody likes a show off, but "Thank you. He worked really hard and we are proud of him" would have been nice without sounding arrogant.
I think people sometimes forget that children do pick up on these things and that, as a general rule they care quite a lot about what their parents think of them, even if they pretend they don't. Some parents go over the top with praise which is also harmful, but constant negativity, even done jokingly, is bound to have an effect. I wonder what the children of some of the current crop of "slummy mummies" will feel when they read what their mothers shared with the world? I've made the odd joke at my children's expense on social media it is true, but the daily negativity I see from some mothers makes me very uncomfortable. Surely it isn't that difficult to find middle path between treating a child as if they are a mini deity and continually moaning about them?
Keep accepting and giving praise and bask in your smugness. It sounds well deserved.

The ones which really annoy me are the ones stating the blinding obvious, like: After running myself ragged for eighteen months, I realised that I didn't NEED to take my baby to Junior Mandarin lessons every evening/ harvest olives by the light of a full moon and purée them by hand to feed baby.

NO SHIT. The only purpose of that was to let people know you did those things in the first place. However, there are so many posts advocating for what does, ultimately, amount to poor parenting. People excusing their kid's piss poor behaviour because "we're just an ordinary family". No, your child is spoiled and hyperactive because they're fed on junk food and never disciplined and have been hooked onto a tablet from the age of two and it's all apparently fine because "it's only a one off because I'm tired." It almost never is. It's laziness and you will spend a lot of time ranting to your friends about how everyone else is an awful snobby "ubermummy" because their ten year olds don't throw food.

I agree. I don’t care if I sound smug, I would never say anything other than how lucky I am to have my lovely DD and spending time with her is always a pleasure, not a chore. I have friends who make out parenting is a nightmare and I just let it wash over me as I think they are only really saying it to try and be funny. I couldn’t put my DD down though, even in jest.

@BeatrixPottersAlterEgo

Completely agree, but you've put it far, far better than I have (have read back my post and realise that it does sound like I have a massive axe to grind, which I probably do).

Sometimes my dc are dicks & I could defo do with a day off at the moment.