AIBU to think I might be gay?

[babbaloushka]

Am early 20s, have only ever had boyfriends. I do enjoy heterosexual sex, but I can't tell if I am sexually attracted to men, or if I just enjoy the pleasurable sensation of penetration. Dicks look kind of horrible, and I think I would enjoy being pleasured by a woman because it is the sensation and intimacy of sex that I enjoy, which is not exclusive to men (IFSWIM).

I have always been very high achieving at school, love reading and studied philosophy at a top university, I greatly enjoy academia and intellectual conversation. I know boys mature emotionally slower than girls, but when DO they mature? Every relationship with a man has me feeling as though they assimilate themselves into a disingenuous character that they think appeals to me in order to get sex. They seems to have a basal, unshakeable desire to fuck, even the sweetest and kindest boyfriends seem unable to prioritise fidelity over sex. (Was cheated on in a LTR and in the other he was addicted to porn and had secret sex accounts). I don't know if this is an accurate view of men, but many threads on here involve men being unfaithful as their wife is pregnant, or unable to satiate their sexual needs, needing to flirt or get attention from other women.

Contrastingly, I feel on the same wavelength as many of my female friends (I dont think of them sexually, though), we have deep intellectual conversations and I am much more platonically attracted to them in terms of maturity and personality. I think the women I meet are just much more appealing from and are more in touch with reality, which makes me feel like they are more likely to be committed and faithful in a relationship. (Not all women, not trying to imply that all men cheat and women never do.)

I dont know, am just confused and unsure about whether I'll ever find someone that I truly connect with and that isn't just looking for sex.

You lost me at Dicks look kind of horrible but maybe ask for this to be moved to sex or another more specific topic?**

I don’t know if you’re gay or not but I kinda understand what you mean about being able to connect with women. I feel similar about SOME women but then at university I met some amazing men that are amazing friends and I would 100% have dated if I had an ounce of attraction for them.

Instead I found another man and we connect on that emotional level, much more than I do with any woman and that’s what makes it into a relationship. I can tell him anything without fear and love being close to him, I don’t feel that about women so I know I’m not gay.

Would you be up for experimenting by dating women, that’s the only way you’d know, I think?

Try meeting different men. They’re not all like that, though far too many are.

But the big question is if you fancy any women? Maybe you should go out and try to meet people whom you find interesting and attractive and who seem decent people. Try dating women and see if there’s any you fancy.

Of course you’re on the same wavelength to other women , you’re a woman..

Are you sexually attracted to women? Do you fantasise about them? As a gay women, you don’t choose to be gay because women are less likely to cheat (I’ve been cheated on by women, there are many women that cheat), you are gay because you’re not sexually attracted to men. I didn’t come out until my early twenties and had had relationships and sex with men, so I understand that it can be confusing, but looking back it was really simple. I was always sexually attracted to women, I never fantasised about men, I liked the attention I got from handsome men and confused this with attraction, but I never liked the look of penises and had no true sexual desire towards men or male bodies. I was confusing recognising a man is handsome and be flattered from his attention with actually fancying him, because when it came down to it I had no real desire to be sexual with any man.

I would suggest that you start experimenting and see how you feel, sometimes you need to try something to be sure, you might have a revelation like I did and realise what you’ve been missing out on, or you might decide it’s not for you, or you could decide you like men and women.

Very sexist OP.
Perhaps you just need to grow a bit more and leave the sexual relationship stuff til you're ready. There's no hurry.

I realised I was a lesbian years ago - zero attraction to men . Never had the crushes my friends had - not on boys anyway . Never really fancied my male classmates . I’ve had plenty of male friends, but I wouldn’t want to sleep with them .

It’s very hard to explain - it’s just that l know I don’t find anything about men sexually attractive ... whereas with women ... different story altogether . I have very definitely had strong feelings for other women - I had relationship with a girl in my late teens, although didn’t fully grasp that’s what it was until I was much older .

I’ve always found it very difficult to accept and sort of repressed but when I did come out age 27, it was like I’d flicked a switch ... like oh, that’s what they meant by fancying someone/finding someone attractive . That feeling was never there for men, very definitely for women .

There’s nothing wrong with experimenting a bit with online dating/tinder etc, if you’re not totally sure what you want - but I’d make it clear you’re not looking for a serious thing , it’s bloody annoying on tinder sifting through endless people looking for a third person or to satisfy their curiosity !

It just sounds to me that you’re seeking a level of maturity that you haven’t found in a man yet.

FWIW I was convinced I was gay from around age 11, I was attracted to a girl in my class, more interested in female actors and the like. My first few relationships were with girls (in my teens). I think you would know if you were attracted to women sexually by this point, but then again I found as I grew up and gained more confidence that I started forming attraction to some men. I then settled on Bisexual for my orientation but really, I’m mostly attracted to the female form when it comes to looking (if you get me) but when it comes to building a relationship it’s about mutual personalities (or wavelengths as you say). I’ve been with my DH now for 6 years and we have two DC - I’m attracted to him as much as when we first started dating. But other men don’t get an appreciative glance from me whereas women might (which DH thinks is brilliant of course ).

Elsiebear and lesbihonest- that's really helpful thank you! I can definitely relate to liking the attention from men and confusing that for attraction.

Monty27- how is it sexist? I explained that it was just based on my experiences to avoid making generalisations about each gender, those observations are coming from my perspective only.

Navisprite- Thank you, hearing your experiences helps and I can absolutely understand being more attracted to the female form but completely agree that mutual personality is the most important factor.

I think I will just continue to meet people but not limit attraction purely to men and experiment with women as PPs have suggested. Thank you everyone.

Also, I totally understand what you mean about feeling stronger connections with women. Even though I grew up very close with my dad and brother I don’t really “get” men, I have had male friends, but they are superficial friendships, whereas with women I find it very easy to form deep emotional connections with them, we have a understanding of each other and can bond very quickly. I couldn’t imagine myself in a relationship with a man not just because I’m not attracted to them, but because I don’t think I would be able to have the kind of relationships I have with women with a man. There’s this distance that I feel with them that I don’t with women.

I’m bisexual, but didn’t really realise until I was in my 20s (although looking back there were signs that are obvious with hindsight). It’s quite normal for women to not realise they are gay or bi until later in life because of the heternormativity of our culture and it’s media.

I think you should be open to exploring the possibility and see where it takes you.

I think everyone finds willies ugly looking

I do sort of get what you mean. I’ve always thought I’m not completely straight maybe, but I’ve never had a desire to actually be in a relationship with a woman. I really enjoy sex with my current partner but I’ve never felt the need to sleep with men ‘at random’ to satisfy any need. I’ve done it about 3 times and the first and second were ok, quite pleasurable but unattached, and the 3rd and last was downright unpleasant to be honest and not something I’d want to repeat. I do have two very close childhood female friends and without their friendship I’d feel a bit lost, like a connection was missing. One in particular - my ‘BFF’ - we rely on each other for emotional support but it’s never been a sexual thing. We were very close as kids, and I did used to feel jealous as a teenager when she would get boyfriends, almost possessive, but when we went to Uni at other ends of the country, I stopped feeling like that and now our relationship is more of a sisterly closeness.

I used to sometimes think there was something wrong with me that I wasn’t actively seeking out male company. But I’ve always enjoyed sex with trusted partners and now I do enjoy ‘romance’ with my partner. So to wrap that up I guess I think it’s a bit of spectrum. But you can be straight without wanting to always ‘be with’ a man.

Bicurious maybe? Given you enjoy hetero sex then unlikely to be gay? I knew I was bi and attracted to both sexes from my teens, but never had sex with a woman until a few years ago. For me personality is far more attractive than looks for either gender. Are you attracted to women? Do you find yourself fantasising about them? A dick is a dick at the end of the day, I don't find vaginas particuarly attractive either but I do find them pleasurable.

Just to add also - I’ve always found certain male actors/musicians that people ‘fancy’ atttractive and good looking, sexy even, but I’ve never been one to be like ‘I’d like to sleep with him’. I just don’t have those thoughts really.

Why don’t you try dating women (after the lockdown) and see? No one else can tell you if you are gay. I also think you are not meeting the right men - if you are a sensitive, academic type or pest you need a kind, sensitive academic partner. Of course there are men out there with those attributes but it might take a while to find the right partner, male or female.

I’m bisexual OP, discovered this at a young age and was in a committed relationship with a woman from 16-26. I tend to find that I leer more towards being pansexual, I fall for people regardless of sexuality but I primarily label myself as bi as it’s easier. I have been with my husband for five years now (I am 34) and my feelings for women still remain, even if I am with a man. You may be bicurious, it’s entirely possible but you may need to consider joining the dating scene and see how you fare with women as you won’t know unless you try. There are plenty of people who don’t discover their sexuality until much later, it isn’t always obvious.

Has anyone got a link to the Sex and the City scene where Charlotte tries to convince a sceptical lesbian that she might be gay?

I'm looking for the exact wording of the question she was asked.

That whole episode had Charlotte musing along similar line to OP, as far as I remember.

They seems to have a basal, unshakeable desire to fuck

That's testosterone for you.

Do you ever fantasise about men or women on tv, sexually? Happens to me all the time with men in programmes I watch long term, but never the women!

Perhaps you just like women more in general, and you just need to meet a man on your wavelength.

What do you masturbate to? IME, that answers your question.

but when DO they mature?

Good question OP, good question.....
🤣