AIBU to think I might be gay?

[babbaloushka]

Am early 20s, have only ever had boyfriends. I do enjoy heterosexual sex, but I can't tell if I am sexually attracted to men, or if I just enjoy the pleasurable sensation of penetration. Dicks look kind of horrible, and I think I would enjoy being pleasured by a woman because it is the sensation and intimacy of sex that I enjoy, which is not exclusive to men (IFSWIM).

I have always been very high achieving at school, love reading and studied philosophy at a top university, I greatly enjoy academia and intellectual conversation. I know boys mature emotionally slower than girls, but when DO they mature? Every relationship with a man has me feeling as though they assimilate themselves into a disingenuous character that they think appeals to me in order to get sex. They seems to have a basal, unshakeable desire to fuck, even the sweetest and kindest boyfriends seem unable to prioritise fidelity over sex. (Was cheated on in a LTR and in the other he was addicted to porn and had secret sex accounts). I don't know if this is an accurate view of men, but many threads on here involve men being unfaithful as their wife is pregnant, or unable to satiate their sexual needs, needing to flirt or get attention from other women.

Contrastingly, I feel on the same wavelength as many of my female friends (I dont think of them sexually, though), we have deep intellectual conversations and I am much more platonically attracted to them in terms of maturity and personality. I think the women I meet are just much more appealing from and are more in touch with reality, which makes me feel like they are more likely to be committed and faithful in a relationship. (Not all women, not trying to imply that all men cheat and women never do.)

I dont know, am just confused and unsure about whether I'll ever find someone that I truly connect with and that isn't just looking for sex.

I don’t think watching lesbian porn means you’re a lesbian, I have plenty of straight friends who say they enjoy lesbian porn, it’s common, but if you only ever watch lesbian porn and you only ever fantasise about women, I don’t see how you can say you’re not attracted to women in some way? If you’re only sexually attracted to men why do you never fantasise about them? Genuine question because I’m gay and I have never fantasised about men in my life, it does nothing for me, so I can’t see why if you’re “100% straight” you would exclusively or almost exclusively masturbate to women if you don’t find them sexually attractive in some way.

@Pink

In some ways you sound a bit like you think yourself a cut above most people, so possibly no one from either sex will ever be good enough for you.

^^ in what way do you think the OP sounds like that? Genuine question not goady.

OP I recognise that feeling like you have to dumb yourself down and often feel like this myself with men in their 20s but less so in their 30s. I'm late 20s by the way.

You want a level of maturity but your post doen,t com across as mature, yes willy,s do kind of look gross.

To add think an individual’s sexuality is far more fluid than many think. Society tries to compartmentalise people into neat little boxes that don’t always fit. Personally, l see myself as “sexual”, no prefix required.

Just to be clear- I don't think myself a "cut above everybody else", I don't think I'm spectacularly mature or intelligent, I am only 23. The seeming lack of modesty in my OP was an admittedly poor attempt to honestly convey the problems I FEEL I have in relationships. I wanted to give as much context to my experience as possible in order to receive more subjective advice, not make out like I think I'm in any way superior, so I don't appreciate the slights on my maturity.

Thank you to all the posters who have shared their own experiences, it's really helpful.

Hi OP, I get what you mean. I don’t think you sound smug. I think what I’ve realised in terms of sexuality is that for me, it’s really about the emotional connection with a person. I recommend a book - it was serialised as an audiobook on Radio 4 recently, so you could listen to it, called ‘in at the deep end’ - it’s basically a millennial Bridget Jones, about someone discovering their sexuality in their 20s. Do give it a listen/ read if you can. I wish I’d read it earlier. It would have encouraged me to experiment more!

Link to the audio version here. Listen to it on your daily walk! www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/p0878vbx