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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to think I might be gay?

58 replies

babbaloushka · 01/05/2020 14:02

Am early 20s, have only ever had boyfriends. I do enjoy heterosexual sex, but I can't tell if I am sexually attracted to men, or if I just enjoy the pleasurable sensation of penetration. Dicks look kind of horrible, and I think I would enjoy being pleasured by a woman because it is the sensation and intimacy of sex that I enjoy, which is not exclusive to men (IFSWIM).

I have always been very high achieving at school, love reading and studied philosophy at a top university, I greatly enjoy academia and intellectual conversation. I know boys mature emotionally slower than girls, but when DO they mature? Every relationship with a man has me feeling as though they assimilate themselves into a disingenuous character that they think appeals to me in order to get sex. They seems to have a basal, unshakeable desire to fuck, even the sweetest and kindest boyfriends seem unable to prioritise fidelity over sex. (Was cheated on in a LTR and in the other he was addicted to porn and had secret sex accounts). I don't know if this is an accurate view of men, but many threads on here involve men being unfaithful as their wife is pregnant, or unable to satiate their sexual needs, needing to flirt or get attention from other women.

Contrastingly, I feel on the same wavelength as many of my female friends (I dont think of them sexually, though), we have deep intellectual conversations and I am much more platonically attracted to them in terms of maturity and personality. I think the women I meet are just much more appealing from and are more in touch with reality, which makes me feel like they are more likely to be committed and faithful in a relationship. (Not all women, not trying to imply that all men cheat and women never do.)

I dont know, am just confused and unsure about whether I'll ever find someone that I truly connect with and that isn't just looking for sex.

OP posts:
LochJessMonster · 01/05/2020 16:52

I mean, I’m straight and I think dicks look horrible...

LochJessMonster · 01/05/2020 16:53

^ not a sentence I ever thought I would write

Elsiebear90 · 01/05/2020 16:53

What do you masturbate to? IME, that answers your question.

Agreed, if it’s men you’re not gay. I’m gay and have only ever masturbated to women, same for my fiancée.

peperethecat · 01/05/2020 16:56

If you are in your early 20s and single then you should try to have some sexual experiences with other women and see how it compares to being with a man. I'm 10 years older than you and sometimes wish I'd given it a try before getting into a long term relationship with a man.

That said, it doesn't sound like you necessarily are gay from your OP. It sounds more like you've had bad experiences with men. Boyfriends who can't prioritise fidelity over sex with other women are not the "sweetest, kindest boyfriends".

TooSadToSay · 01/05/2020 16:57

Why don't you try dating some women and see how it works out for you? I guess after lockdown.

Marshmallow91 · 01/05/2020 17:00

I'd look into what it means to be pansexual OP, it might describe how you feel?

Pinkdelight3 · 01/05/2020 17:02

It sounds like you like sex with men and friendship with women. Doesn't sound very gay to me. You don't sound like you've fancied women and the dicks thing is meaningless as many find the appendage amusing-looking but the effect of it sexy, just like you do. It sounds like you just haven't met a guy who combines sex and friendship in the right balance. They do exist, lots of them. Some who have low sex drives too - plenty of threads about that on here, with women who are way more into basal fucking! There's a whole spectrum of humans out there - happy hunting!

(Oh and re. the "I'm such a high achiever and love intellectual conversations" - I know lotsa folk who would fit that description, including myself, but I'd cringe to describe myself that way, as would they, so maybe you've got a bit of maturing to do yourself. Perhaps see this as meaning you're still in the discovery phase of yourself and your potential partners, so it's perfectly fine to have not found the one yet. Or even the kind of one who might be right for you. You're not the finished article yet and neither are the guys - or girls - your age. Keep evolving and don't put yourself in any boxes or limit your choices. You could find a high achieving intellectual who's an incompatible twat and a low key practical man of few words who's bloody perfect. You never know... )

Frazzledmum123 · 01/05/2020 17:05

Just from the other side, I'm definitely straight but totally think the female for is more attractive to look at, it just doesn't interest me like the male form does. I personally prefer male company to female too, less bitchy more upfront (another generalisation I kmow) but I have 1 truely special female friend who I totally love and can tell anything to, I once wondered if I was bi because of how much I care about her but when I thought about it I realised it comes down to the fact that I have zero interest in sleeping with her. What I'm trying to say is attraction to a person isnt just about how attractive they look or how well you get on with them either, its deeper than that somehow, comes from somewhere else

Notverybright · 01/05/2020 17:10

I think genitals are not the bit you find attractive no matter who you go for. From your op it doesn't sound like you are sexually attracted to women, just that you don't like the way men in their 20s behave.

By all means experiment if you want to. I kind of wish I had as I've definitely thought about it.

But honestly most of the time i see a beautiful woman i think 'oh she's gorgeous' in my head. I see a beautiful man I think it with my lady parts too Grin.

myangelalex · 01/05/2020 17:25

There are two parts to any relationship. Sexual attraction and mutual emotional love and respect.

You can love and respect both men and women and be attracted to their personalities.

You can be sexually attracted to one or other gender (or both) and this is what makes you gay or not.

I love my female friends and find them much more interesting and fun to be with much of the time, but my toes curl at the thought of having sex with them. DH (however annoying he can be) is a different matter.

Hoohaahoo · 01/05/2020 17:28

I discovered in my late 20s that finding women attractive and often sexy means you are bi. Didn’t let myself believe it before then!
I think if you aren’t attracted to women then you’re probably not gay/bi. I’m no expert though!

thepeopleversuswork · 01/05/2020 17:35

Hard to know for sure but based on what you have said it doesn’t sound as if you are gay - or not exclusively gay - it sounds as if you’re frustrated by the lack of maturity and depth in men.

I feel like this really: am very cynical about ever meeting a man with whom I have total trust and a genuine connection that isn’t in some way conditioned by their sexual needs and it depresses me. I don’t really trust or respect men.

But I have never been attracted to women.

Have you had a sexual experience with a woman?

Baskininthegarden · 01/05/2020 17:37

there was a convo on here months ago about "who do you masterbate to" which had loads of lesbians saying they got off on Male porn, so dont use that as a guide!

Josette77 · 01/05/2020 17:46

I have watched lesbian porn, but I love dick and would never give it up. I find women attractive but have never wanted to sleep with one in person. Fantasy is different.

Babdoc · 01/05/2020 17:47

I suspect that men in their 20s have all been exposed to internet porn, and their sexual behaviour will reflect that, combined with their relative immaturity compared to women of the same age, making them rather problematic as potential partners for you.

Maybe you could try dating some more mature and less porn damaged men?
It sounds as though you are considering lesbianism purely as an alternative to your so far unsatisfactory male partners, rather than from any deep conviction that you are gay! But you could test that by having a few lesbian dates and see how you felt - as long as you were honest with your female partners about your doubts.

1forAll74 · 01/05/2020 17:49

Seems you have decided what to do now, otherwise contact Confused.com.

Quarantimespringclean · 01/05/2020 17:49

I don’t think what you masturbate to is a true indication of sexuality. 90% of my masturbation fantasies are lesbian and/or voyeuristic but I am not gay or even bisexual and don’t want to watch or be watched. In real life it’s men that I have involuntary sexual physical responses to not women. I’ve never had any real life urge for any sort of sexual or romantic contact with a woman (so far at any rate and I’m nearly 60 so it’s probably not going to change now).

However when it comes to non physical or romantic relationships I generally get on much better with women and would rather spend time with a group of women than a mixed group. I do have some male platonic friends but on the whole for laughs and conversation I’d rather be with women.

All that being said, sometimes you can fall for someone regardless of their gender. You just need to be open. My brother is married to a man who was 30 when they met. Until the two of them got together his husband had only ever been attracted to women but when he met my bro there was an instant chemistry between them and they’ve been together 25 years now. He still says he isn’t gay, he just fell in love with DB.

SimonJT · 01/05/2020 18:12

Dicks look kind of horrible

I agree, I’m a gay man.

What caught my attention was you like the idea of another woman pleasuring you, but how do you feel about doing sexual things to another woman.

Fluffybutter · 01/05/2020 19:08

What do you masturbate to? IME, that answers your question
Nope , not true .
Many straight women enjoy lesbian porn as much as ‘straight’ porn.

MorganKitten · 01/05/2020 19:15

Maybe try dating a girl and see how that feels

TigerKingQueen · 01/05/2020 21:12

IME if you ‘think’ you might be gay your probably not straight. Spend some time thinking it through, it will show itself eventually. If you do decide to try and date a woman please be honest with them! It’s just heading for pain all around if they think your a gay woman and you may not be.

TigerKingQueen · 01/05/2020 21:13

Urgh *you’re

Original poster
babbaloushka · 03/05/2020 14:16

I don't masturbate! Maybe I'm just less sexual than most, and thats why I can't understand why they are so preoccupied with it.

The reference to intellect wasn't intended as a boast, it was context for me feeling as though I have to "dumb down" in relationships and no talk about the more academic stuff with partners. As I said, I'm a Cambridge graduate who spend 4 years amongst very intelligent and engaging people, and feel as though I haven't connected with someone of that calibre since. Maybe thats a feminist issue though, of women being expected not to be vocal about their academic passions (it certainly feels that way to me).

OP posts:
Pinkblueberry · 03/05/2020 14:25

I know boys mature emotionally slower than girls, but when DO they mature?

At different rates, just like women do. You don’t sound particularly mature yourself OP in all honesty. You sound like an immature person who thinks they are very mature, but still has a lot of growing up to do. You’ll see that for yourself in a few years if you ever look back on this thread. I don’t know whether you are gay or bi or straight - that’s for you to figure out. In some ways you sound a bit like you think yourself a cut above most people, so possibly no one from either sex will ever be good enough for you.

StarlightLady · 03/05/2020 14:30

OP, try looking up the Kinsey Scale. It can be an eye opener.