DHs outburst

[supposedtobe]

I'm sat in bed bfding my youngest and my head is spinning. I just need outside perspective on this.
Me and husband have three kids, eldest is 8, then a 4 year old and youngest is under one year.
Lockdown has been tough on everyone and I obviously understand we're lucky, have our health and we're managing best we can. Husband and I work for NHS but I'm not working as I have no childcare for baby and husband able to work from home.
We both do housework although proportionately I would say I do more, but this is understandable as my 'full time job' at present is looking after the kids. His work involves meetings twice a day and some paperwork but I've seen him about the house plenty so he's certainly not swamped.
He does most of the cooking for evening meal. This is much more convenient because I'll be feeding the baby and bathing all kids etc. It's been like this for quite a while.
This morning he's got up, grumbled about how little we have sex (we aren't at all at the moment as there have been some previous arguments where he's basically called me a slut and I've now said I can't feel positive about sex at all at the moment, he said he understood this but has grumbled most days since) and following this has had an outburst about me not getting our babies savings account sorted yet. He's then asked what it is I actually do at all. I guess looking after the three kids all day doesn't count. He'll usually say 'but the two older ones can just play, it's not hard!' and dismisses any homeschooling or anything else for that matter.
I'm wondering whether he might be right. As he cooks the evening meal, and does some housework, maybe I am just not doing enough?

Well, if you go back to work, leaving your dh to look after all 3 kids, whilst working from home, as many people are doing; then he'll know what you do all day.

Omg, so sorry op, he's a "insert choice word here" . 8, 4 and 1 year old is a massive task. Gob smacked. How are you feeling?

How is it split at the weekends or his days off? Does he look after the 3 kids by himself with little effort? If he finds it easy himself he may have a point but if he never does it then he doesnt get to tell you how easy or hard your life jt

Bigger problems than the split of housework
‘ he basically called you a slut ‘
Really ?

He is in an arse about the lack of sex. That isnt ok. However, just not having sex because he said called you a slut is the real issue. What is the background to that? You shouldn't useless as a pu punishment but he sounds like he was abusive - it all sounds very unhealthy.

We also have 3 and if their dad has them for the day he thinks it’s easy and wonders why I end up so exhausted. This is because he is happy to let them play on iPads/watch TV all day long, or out in the garden with no supervision (youngest isn’t even 2 yet!). He will totally disregard any home schooling, or anything the kids would actually like to do. I would suggest you have a proper conversation about these issues, without either party getting angry about it. The sex issue is separate and needs addressing as this is obviously causing you both resentment.

OP,

He doesn't sound very nice.

Calling you a slut is awful and has now understandably resulted in you no longer interested in sex.

Making threats to you too about the children.

Clearly OP, your marriage is not in a good place and your husband has taken to verbally abusing you.

None of this is good.

Please reach out to family and friends for support.

There is every chance that he is going to exit the marriage.

Either way, prepare yourself.

It sounds as if he is doing his share, as are you.
Three young children is a busy household.

Take care.

He called you a slut??

What a charmer.

He called you a slut and you're worried about whether you or him should be cooking supper? I think you have deeper issues to talk through here.

there have been some previous arguments where he's basically called me a slut

Hang on...what?

He doesn't respect you. He minimises your contributions to the household. He doesn't see you as a partner. If this is how he is all the time I'd seriously reconsider what worth he brings to your life.

I think he is being very unreasonable TBH! Maybe you should lock yourself in the bedroom at the weekend , with some coffee and the papers, and leave him to it ! Might change his mind then

He sounds awful OP. Calling you a slut is so unacceptable from someone who should love and support you. And he clearly totally undervalues the work you do in looking after your children. He needs a sharp wake up call, or you would be better of on your own.

If you’re doing so little, maybe he’d like to swap. It sounds like you would easily cope with breastfeeding and working. Tell him if you do this, you’ll be testing the kids to make sure they have learnt everything set, checking up to ensure the house is dusted properly and the sink and loo scrubbed. Then go and run yourself a bath and lock the door. Ffs.

Just to be clear - based on your description I think you are definitely pulling your weight.

Just go back to work and have him look after the children.

Why did he call you a slut?

He called you a slut.
What's that all about, OP?

You are definitely pulling your weight.

Get him to take a days holiday from work.

Do absolutely nothing that day - at all.

He'll soon see what you do all day.

Arsehole

Does he enjoy the cooking? My ex basically did cooking and a bit of washing up and that was it (never laundry, never tidying, he never once cleaned the bathroom, almost never hoovered and never mopped etc) but because he cooked most days if I brought up the housework he would get really arsey. However cooking was actually one of his main hobbies and so he didn’t mind doing it. He also only cooked the meals he wanted to cook and if I didn’t like something he would act very wounded and sulk, and he would ask me about 5 times during a meal if I liked it, there was only one right answer! I realised it was just another way in which he only did stuff he wanted to do... he didn’t like hoovering or cleaning so he didn’t do it. His mum was like his dads servant so no surprise where he got it from. I’ve noticed for rather a lot of men, cooking is something they will deign to do, boring housework not so much.

Also, why doesn't he use his imagination... go bash one out in the shower. FFS. What is wrong with men? Just go wank. I'm not minimising the importance of sex and intimacy, but sometimes it just takes a back seat for a bit.
To be honest, I'd turn to dust down there if DH called me a slut (especially in the context of an argument!).

He called you a slut? Well, he’s a giant twat.
What was his reasoning for doing so?
Did you wear make up? Look at a man on the street for too long? Have a conversation with someone at the bus stop?

He called you a slut??? What the actual fuck!!

There are far deeper issues than him not realising how difficult it is to look after 3 kids. He sounds really horrible.