DHs outburst

[supposedtobe]

I'm sat in bed bfding my youngest and my head is spinning. I just need outside perspective on this.
Me and husband have three kids, eldest is 8, then a 4 year old and youngest is under one year.
Lockdown has been tough on everyone and I obviously understand we're lucky, have our health and we're managing best we can. Husband and I work for NHS but I'm not working as I have no childcare for baby and husband able to work from home.
We both do housework although proportionately I would say I do more, but this is understandable as my 'full time job' at present is looking after the kids. His work involves meetings twice a day and some paperwork but I've seen him about the house plenty so he's certainly not swamped.
He does most of the cooking for evening meal. This is much more convenient because I'll be feeding the baby and bathing all kids etc. It's been like this for quite a while.
This morning he's got up, grumbled about how little we have sex (we aren't at all at the moment as there have been some previous arguments where he's basically called me a slut and I've now said I can't feel positive about sex at all at the moment, he said he understood this but has grumbled most days since) and following this has had an outburst about me not getting our babies savings account sorted yet. He's then asked what it is I actually do at all. I guess looking after the three kids all day doesn't count. He'll usually say 'but the two older ones can just play, it's not hard!' and dismisses any homeschooling or anything else for that matter.
I'm wondering whether he might be right. As he cooks the evening meal, and does some housework, maybe I am just not doing enough?

My XH also used to think looking after the children was a doddle. Because, if he had them, he'd just go about his day in the house as normal, he'd just turn the TV up so he couldn't hear them crying and let them do anything they liked. When I came home to a trashed house; everything broken, pulled out or spilled, it was 'my job' to tidy up and 'my fault' that the children didn't know how to amuse themselves/behave.

So leaving them alone with the children doesn't always work, for those who suggested it.

OP,

After that update, you are in another abusive relationship.

Please reach out to family and friends for support.

Don't expect support from such an ugly man.

Please protect yourself.

Is your husband controlling ?

I would point out that he's calling you a slut for wanting affection/ reassurance via sex after an argument, and he's having a go when you don't provide him with enough sex. Then I would consider telling him you're leaving him because this is abusive and controlling behaviour. It doesn't sound like he likes you very much x

Thanks for all the replies, they've genuinely helped. I've tried to discuss things but it's not gone well and I think it's best once lockdown is over that we separate - very difficult timing.
I think on reflection it's likely it is another abusive situation, which is so sad and so shit as the kids are my world and it breaks my heart that I can't give them that family unit. There's been subtle signs for a long time but things have really deteriorated.

I'm sorry op, it must be awful to go from thinking someone understands what you've been through in your last relationship, to discovering that they're abusive too. It sounds like he was using your history against you with his choice of words. At least you've seen him for what he really is now. Your dc will be much better off not living in an environment where their dad treats their mum that way, and they'll still have a family unit, just a bit of a different one.

Family units are WAY overrated - you and the kids are a family unit and that's more than good enough

Yes because we're all desperate to have sex with a whiny male who wants to get out of doing any housework at all and calls us a slut. What a catch. I'd tell him to fuck off.

Madcatlady, spot on!! 😂👍

Use the time to get your ducks in a row, lots of threads on here about what you need to do before you leave.
For what it’s worth your first line- ‘I was sat in bed breastfeeding our youngest’ means you are doing enough.

There is no way I could be ever be physically attracted again to a man who called me a slut.That would be the end of the relationship.

Hand on heart OP, I do not for even the tiniest minute believe you need two parents for a happy childhood.

For a happy childhood, you need love, calm, security, dependability, consistency.

Any single parent of either sex can do this.

I have a friend since childhood that was raised with 3 siblings by the most incredible mother who was left to rear her family after her husband died in an accident. Her mother couldn't possibly have made them felt more loved and valued.

Another great friends mother died of a heart attack when we were 6 and her Dad did his absolute best, despite being totally broken with grief.

Great family units are made up of people whom really care for each other, that often doesn't involve perfect details.

I'm so sorry, what an awful situation. I think you're right - this sounds like another abuse situation and separating is probably best in the long run for you and the children.
Be strong. You're doing the right thing and you deserve so much more

He sounds vile.... And abusive.

What do you benefit by him being there?

Do you want your life to be like this for the next 30 years?