DHs outburst

[supposedtobe]

I'm sat in bed bfding my youngest and my head is spinning. I just need outside perspective on this.
Me and husband have three kids, eldest is 8, then a 4 year old and youngest is under one year.
Lockdown has been tough on everyone and I obviously understand we're lucky, have our health and we're managing best we can. Husband and I work for NHS but I'm not working as I have no childcare for baby and husband able to work from home.
We both do housework although proportionately I would say I do more, but this is understandable as my 'full time job' at present is looking after the kids. His work involves meetings twice a day and some paperwork but I've seen him about the house plenty so he's certainly not swamped.
He does most of the cooking for evening meal. This is much more convenient because I'll be feeding the baby and bathing all kids etc. It's been like this for quite a while.
This morning he's got up, grumbled about how little we have sex (we aren't at all at the moment as there have been some previous arguments where he's basically called me a slut and I've now said I can't feel positive about sex at all at the moment, he said he understood this but has grumbled most days since) and following this has had an outburst about me not getting our babies savings account sorted yet. He's then asked what it is I actually do at all. I guess looking after the three kids all day doesn't count. He'll usually say 'but the two older ones can just play, it's not hard!' and dismisses any homeschooling or anything else for that matter.
I'm wondering whether he might be right. As he cooks the evening meal, and does some housework, maybe I am just not doing enough?

OP You write as though you have to justify why you don't want to sleep with him after he called you a slut?! I'm sorry but I would LT utter B just for that. No cooking or housework could ever let me forget that my husband called me a slut and asked me what it is I do all day.

He sounds awful, OP, and verbally abusive towards you.

As for his question about what you do all day, I agree with PPs that you should swap with him if he thinks you're not doing anything.

However, you have far bigger issues to worry than who does what every day.

Yeah, my dh was of a similar mind....until he actually had to take care of the three of them for 5 days on his own once. Tune totally changed ever since.

The sex part though- what a wanker.

It sounds like he’s seething with resentment. Resentful of you withholding his “right” to sex, resentful that your baby is (rightly) your no1 concern atm and resentful that he’s having to step up with cooking/helping around the home. Tell him if he wants a break from cooking that’s fine, you’ll do it but he’ll have to take over the stuff that you would ordinarily be doing at that time, so feeding the baby and bathing the kids.

Some men think that because they are “working” they shouldn’t have to do anything else. Unfortunately I’ve noticed whilst dh is wfh that “working” often involves browsing the internet and buying things off eBay. My own dh does nothing around the house - it’s not right but I’m used to it. I’ve come to realise we just have different standards. It would never occur to him to tidy up or shove a load in the wash. It’s partly my own fault because I like things a certain way - if I just stopped doing it maybe he would realise how much I do and start helping. It’s like he just doesn’t “see” mess though!

Calling you a slut is disgusting and abusive. You need a thorough discussion about how that’s made you feel and to tell him that you won’t accept being spoken to like that again.

He only said you weren’t doing anything as another way to hurt you, just like the slut comment. It doesn’t sound like he respects you or loves you much.

I’d try to have a good, calm talk with him to find out what his problems are. Some men do get angry rather than sad when they’re depressed (not that that’s any excuse, of course). So I’d want to check that but then I’d be thinking about the possibility of a future without him.

Well he sounds just delightful.

So many concerning issues here. Lack of respect for the work and effort involved in looking after three children (one a baby) all day while still managing to get bulk of cleaning and tidying etc done. Especially if you're homeschooling? serious issues re calling you a slut in the first place - honestly can't see how that came up. His belief that he's owed sex (and I don't know about you but personally I never felt in the slightest bit sexy while attempting to breastfeed a child or when half dead from exhaustion).

Honestly OP, I'm not sure what's going on here, but I do think you need to seriously consider whether you need a more significant chat than just about whether you're doing enough.

The slut comments started when, after one night that we'd fallen out, we made up and I initiated sex. He said the following day (again when he was in a crappy mood) that he thought my 'morals were strange' because we'd had sex straight after the fall out when I still was a bit upset. I was very angry with this. After this, a subsequent argument resulted in him calling me a slut because of wanting sex.
He has real form for saying awful, hurtful things when we fall out. This doesn't change the impact of those words. For context, I was in a previously abusive and sexually coercive relationship and it's affected how I see sex and how I trust people, and whilst he was always good with this previously and supportive, this has taken a real down turn. It shouldn't matter anyway, calling anyone a slut is abhorrent.
He's never looked after all three all day before, in fact not even really for over an hour, as I've been breastfeeding.
I'm really low, lockdown has been hard and I feel like he's taken advantage of it.

Go back to work. He doesn't sound like a nice man.

He's an absolute horror.

Oh OP. Your update really doesn't make things sound better. I'm sorry. I'm not sure this relationship is sustainable in its current form.

My Ex used to call me a slut...Ex...

He is abusive. He presumably knows your history but chooses to call you vile names and degrade you. When you get back to work I’d think seriously about leaving. He clearly doesn’t value you or your contributions.

Lots of people have sex after a falling out, I don’t think that could be classed as slutty?!
Your ‘D’H is horrible and lazy and, once lockdown is over, I’d be questioning if you want to continue living with such a nasty man if I were you.

Your updates are awful. He questions your morals? Fuck him. Go back to work and then have a think about whether you want to continue living with such a man.

Also, why doesn't he use his imagination... go bash one out in the shower. FFS. What is wrong with men? Just go wank. I'm not minimising the importance of sex and intimacy, but sometimes it just takes a back seat for a bit.

Lol! probably most men do this anyway.
Being called a 'slut' is awful and inexcusable. Interesting that there isn't a male equivalent of that term.

Lack of sex can really turn men bad tempered and irritable.. this may be why he is so tetchy, but fully understand your reluctance in the 'bedroom department' after being called 'a slut.] :(

This morning he's got up, grumbled about how little we have sex

But...

a subsequent argument resulted in him calling me a slut because of wanting sex

Oh OP. He's an utter cunt. If my DH called me a slut then that would be the end of our marriage. You deserve more than this. So do your DC. I think you need to LTB when you can.

OP.....It reminds me of a woman I knew whose husband wrote ''SLUT'' in the dust on a little used piece of furniture..........

I was appalled. She said he said ''I should be a better wife and keep on top of the dusting'' ..WHAT?!

He had an affair and left the family a few years later.

Take control, OP..... you don't have to put up with this crap.

My three dc are similar in age to yours and I'm absolutely knackered every day looking after them.
Your husband sounds like a real arsehole! I know we don't know the full story but if my dh called me a slut I don't think there would be much of a marriage left.

Op, you are pulling your weight.

He's called you a slut more than once and questioned your morality for wanting to sleep with your own husband. That's not how someone who loves you should behave. What would happen if you questioned his morals for wanting to sleep with someone he considers to be a lazy sl*t? Sorry I can't bring myself to say it again. What a nasty man. You deserve more than this.

You are pulling your weight. And if he’s so bothered by the savings then why doesn’t he just do it? It sounds like he’s trying to put you down and make you feel bad about stuff. He does just enough round the house to make you feel like you have no comeback. Hope you’re ok.

Fucking hell op I'd be tempted to cut his knob off.
Called you a slut for wanting sex with your own husband.
I wouldn't stay married to him!

You're in another abusive relationship

I’m sorry @supposedtobe but you’re once again in an abusive relationship. Nothing you’ve said about how he treats you is normal. He’s vile. I’m so sorry.

I would tell him to fuck off. I'm at home with three children (all mine are pre school so no homeschooling thank god) and it is a LOT of work. I still do the bulk of the housework and cooking but I don't mind that side of things, DH does the night feeds with the baby so I can't complain!

Grumbling about sex is so unattractive, I tell him that.

He's undermining your confidence and has actually got you questioning yourself, this needs to stop immediately. 8,4 and 1, well what a breeze life must be for you. I have a fridge magnet that says 'nobody notises (!) what I do until I don't do it' which sums up a lot of what mothering is about. I would be much more troubled though by my husband calling me a slut. You sound very disrespected generally.