Introverts and extroverts

[ThisHereMamaBear]

Do you think you are born one way or another? I'm definitely an introvert. I'm less shy than I used to be but I still find it hard socialising. My dh is the same. We had a zoom chat today for our ds's class, reception age. It seemed like most of the children were excitable and chatty but my ds just wanted to hide behind me. Do you think I can do anything to encourage him to be more confident? Or are we the way we are?

The definition I’ve seen, and go along with, is to ask: what do you do when you feel flat, drained, fed up? Do you seek out company (extrovert) or do you retreat into solitude (introvert)?

Me, I’m an extrovert. I seek out social company and connection when I feel down: it reenergises me and recharges my batteries. DS is the same. It’s not about shyness or confidence, it about what drains / recharges you.

My best friend is an introvert. She is not remotely shy (she’s actually less shy than me) but she tires of socialising very quickly and withdraws, even from me. So I make sure I have plenty of other opportunities to socialise with other people: WhatsApp groups, FB groups, book groups etc. She would find all that exhausting and doesn’t do anything other than meet me weekly, and with another friend monthly whereas I feel down if I don’t have contact with people daily.

I'm introverted but not shy. I feel very comfortable communicating and socialising but only do it when I need to. The rest of the time I like my own company and complete silence.

I do like people but I don't need to be around them all the time.

@FiveFootTwoEyesOfBlue an interesting perspective from Carl Jung.

I think this explains the point really well. I think many properly creative people are introverts, many of these people would probably be cast as extroverts in the way they interact with others but for a true creative it is the satisfaction derived from creation from their internal mind rather than the applause from others which drives them. Conversely the famous people who seek only affirmation from others tend to be unoriginal and lack true creativity.

Really interesting thread

Thank you! Have been thinking about this a lot recently.

Am taking part in some lockdown working research that relates to myers-briggs.

I personally hate zoom so I have it on audio only and my compromise is that I've added my photo to create a static avatar.

An inteesting thread.

I am finding lockdown very hard because I have to spend a lot of time with my family.
I work from home, and although there are 5 of us living here, normally everyone is out at work/university occupied outside the house, leaving me hours of time at home which I love- and really craving now.
For me the stress of lockdown is more social contact than normal- not lack of it.

I am 100% classic introvert, but I think fellow introverts can be a be a bit special snowflake-y about it. There's been a sense in recent years, since the introvert/extrovert discussion gained some traction (and since Quiet was published) that introvert tendencies are superior in some intangible way. There's sometimes the implication that extroverts are a bit shallow and vapid, whereas introverts are people of substance - still waters and all that. Which is clearly bullshit.

I'm an introvert and for years I thought this was something I had to change. I think society encourages us to think being an extrovert is the way to get ahead in life, especially at work. Reading Susan Cain's book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking totally changed my outlook. I realised it was OK to be an introvert, that we need a mix of introverts and extroverts. I gave the book to my boss (extrovert) to help him understand my behaviour. There's a chapter on children too and I definitely recommend the book.

I'm an extrovert. I need human company to recharge my batteries, to keep my mental health up. I'm a sociable extrovert too so I love going out with friends, I love big parties, the more the merrier.

I'm finding lockdown incredibly difficult in that sense.

I actually think we extroverts often get a pretty rough ride sometimes - a lot of people have the misconception that we're shallow, that we're incapable of deep thinking and insensitive towards introverts.

Maggie I agree with that. As an extrovert I've come across introverted people who think that I don't "get" that they need more alone time that perhaps I do. Being an extrovert doesn't mean you're blind to the feelings of others.

I can't decide if I'm an omnivert or an ambivert. I'm very outgoing, a party animal. I crave deep and meaningful friendships with a few close friends. Which I have. And makes me very happy.

But on the flip side, I also enjoy spending a lot of time on my own and am most happy pottering around at home, doing as little as possible.

I crave alone time. A lot.

I'm both. I think many people are.

The world needs introverts.

@DamnYankee

"It's a misconception that being shy is being introverted
You can also be a confidant introvert. I can do a dynamic presentation, but I'm not going to want to hang around in the conference room afterwards."

You've summed me up perfectly!

I'm used to it now but it really used to push my buttons that people assume you must be shy/unconfident just because you're quieter. I just roll my eyes about it now.

Also the phrase 'coming out of your shell' needs to die.

Waxonwaxoff0 I too think it is an energy thing.

Social situations leave me totally drained- my batteries are recharged by solitude.

I don't think it's just extroverts that get a rough ride though, introverts are often portrayed and being self absorbed, judgemental of others and critical.
And it's usually the introverts that are seen to be "faulty". The world seems to value others by the number of friends we collect, the social functions we attend, how gregarious we can be.Peole are rated by how many likes and shares they collect, how often they are tagged.
Those of us with few friends, who limit social ocassions are seen to be failures, have character flaws that make us unable to mix with others.
I have had this type of criticism levelled at me many times- that fact I don't want to go to parties and have few friends is seen as a bad thing.
I have never heard of someone being criticised for having too many friends or invites.

Definetely but I also think you can become more one of the other as you get older.
I always save myself as an extrovert, always had many friends and no problem making any, love to chat and find it easy to talk about my feelings.

However, I missed how much I always enjoyed my own space at home and have always hated being in larger groups. Much prefer one on one time. I speak with a group of friends once a week and they talk about how they can't wait for it to be over to get together again and how much they miss it, and I think that I don't at all and like it quite like that.
I have one extreme extrovert child, one quite extreme introvert!

I am not so sure that we do change as we get older- not my experience anyway.

I think what does change is we move towards a truer version of ourselves.
As we age we are less likely to conform to expectations and don't care so much about being seen to do the right thing.

In my 20s and 30s I had far more friends, attended lots of parties, met people for lunch and social events and winced through all of it.
I did it because it was expected of me, it was the done thing- I didn't want to be seen as weird.

Now that I am older I don't give a rat's arse what others think of my hermit preferences.
I decline invitations now, and people that care about me understand.

I don't agree that introverts are not confident, rather they are self contained and not needy of others . Both of my children and I are introverts, it's always been most obvious in my (now adult) daughter. When she was younger she liked playing alone or with one other person and I remember her reception class teacher telling me she was so shy, she was "almost overlooked". I feel that however she was never shy - if she felt her voice needed to be heard she would make it heard - she was always able to stick up for herself - she just didn't need attention. Now she is a teacher and has a wide group of friends and a good relationship but she will never be the loudest person in the room (thank God) , and she is happy in her own company. She likes a lot of alone time (which I get) with books, films and she likes learning languages. I think all of this is great, and I am proud that both my children are independent, while sociable with a small group of friends, and don't need a lot of attention from others. If your son is happy, I would let him be and be thankful you don't need to arrange activities and playdates for him 24/7!

At parents evening, the teacher said my son often plays on his own or comes up with his own games, but still has friends.

That all sounds very positive to me Mamabear. I would interpret the teacher’s comments as meaning that he is self-sufficient, creative and there are other children who like him.

When my DS was the same age as yours, I remember the teacher’s mantra being ‘Got to work on those social skills!’ It was dispiriting for those of us with an introvert on our hands.

Perhaps, after lockdown, there will be another mantra to provide some balance. ‘Got to work on those self-sufficiency skills!’

For surely the ideal is for a person to be able to operate within a group and alone - after all most new ideas of any worth are not created by committee. And it would be good if people were able to move back and forth between introspection and group brainstorming, without their mental health suffering in one mode or the other.

People should also be able to find their own personal ‘sweet spot’ between these two ways of being and not judge themselves or others for deviating from society’s perceived ideal.

I'm an introvert.

I have no issue with my confidence - I'm just much happier in my own company. I'm quite happy to spend hours a day in silence - just reading, pottering about, browsing the internet, watching TV - I don't need other people's company to make me happy or to "keep me going".

I did struggle when I worked in a job that required me to be switched "on" all day though. I used to work in retail and found it very stressful to have to talk to people all the time. I eventually had a mental health crisis and quit - I now work with animals and rarely see any people and I'm much happier!

Some more thoughts.

Does anyone have any tips with easing shyness? I always encourage him to say hello to people but he'll always comment "i feel shy" and i think this ruins his enjoyment of social situations

I would suggest not commenting too much about saying hello or not saying hello. He might develop performance anxiety about something he finds difficult and is self-conscious about at the moment but is vey likely to be able to do naturally in time.

I would take things slowly.

Interacting with another child can start off at the rudimentary level of playing in the vicinity of that child and working up from there. Two boys playing lego side by side can become two boys commenting on each other’s constructions and handing each other bricks, which in turn can become two boys working on a joint creation, discussing their progress and making plans.

It wouldn't be possible to do this over Zoom, but perhaps a similar conversational dynamic could be facilitated that way?

Does anyone have any tips with easing shyness? I always encourage him to say hello to people but he'll always comment "i feel shy" and i think this ruins his enjoyment of social situations.

Don't force him to say hello. My mum is a true extrovert and used to do this to me and I absolutely hated it - sorry

If he feels comfortable, he'll talk, but otherwise just leave him to come out of his shell on his own.

Dont assume being an introvert is a bad thing that needs changing. Read the book 'Quiet - the power of introverts in a world that cant stop talking.' A powerful argument for why being an introvert is a good thing. The world could be a better place with more introverts and less extroverts. Trump, BoJo etc

OP - my mum told me she thought I would never have friends when I started nursery, because I was so quiet and wouldn't talk to anyone. I'm now a happy and successful adult :) I've always had a few close friends rather than a huge circle and that's the way I like it. I go out and socialise and enjoy it, but find constant socializing exhausting and thats fine too.

I would say try not to encourage DC to be one way or another, just let them figure it out. From my experience my mum used to get kids over for play dates to try and encourage me (but i think it was more she was friends with the mum!) and I hated it.

I'm neither. It's another unnecessary label I refuse to give myself.

I'm very confident and sociable but am equally happy pottering about by myself. Make of that what you will.

I'm not being goady I promise, but I do find I only see/hear about it on MN. It comes across that introverts are very defensive about their behaviour and use it as an "excuse" and that extroverts seem to be the root of all evil. Neither of which are actually true.

As for the OP's question, I was shy in new situations when I was younger but I seem to have "grown out of it" over the years.

When I was little, my DM used to announce to all and sundry, ‘She’s shy! She’s shy!’ if I hesitated after being asked something, unsure what to say.

I always ended up feeling embarrassed.

It’s made me very aware that DC should be given time to formulate a response or asked questions that are easy to answer with a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ until their confidence and conversational proficiency grows.