Introverts and extroverts

[ThisHereMamaBear]

Do you think you are born one way or another? I'm definitely an introvert. I'm less shy than I used to be but I still find it hard socialising. My dh is the same. We had a zoom chat today for our ds's class, reception age. It seemed like most of the children were excitable and chatty but my ds just wanted to hide behind me. Do you think I can do anything to encourage him to be more confident? Or are we the way we are?

Yes I am sure you are born one way or the other. I am intro, prefer one on one to a crowd. Re-charge by being alone for a couple of hours, whereas hugely extro dh re-charges by being with people.

Everyone claims to be an "introvert" on
Mumsnet and it's usually by people who have no idea what it actually means. You can be a chatty introvert who likes socialising yet somehow people on here seem to think it's the opposite. Happens every single time without fail on these kinda threads...

I think you are born introvert or extrovert, I think it's to do with how your brain is 'wired' and you source energy and process information. I've known several shy, socially anxious extroverts who still need to be around people and have interactions even if they fear being judged by others. Conversely, the most talkative person I have ever known identifies as an introvert. It's like she draws her energy and ideas from an internal 'well' and can talk and talk about them. But she also needs plenty of alone time to recharge.

Everyone claims to be an "introvert" on Mumsnet and it's usually by people who have no idea what it actually means.

Come on then. Enlighten us.

Personally I think you are born with an innate learning to one side or the other - it's where you get your energy from.

I am a definite introvert as I find being around people exhausting and need to retreat to my own space frequently. However I have a job which involves meeting people a lot, making small talk, have challenging conversations and can be very chatty and confident - but it does not energise me in the way it would an extrovert.

I also have to travel about quite a bit between sites and my favourite part of the day is being alone in my car, listening to the radio and not having to talk to anyone!

Lockdown has not been a challenge for me, DH or DS2 as we are all introverts so are more than happy in our own bubble. Not sure about DS1 - he swings between both so I really can't figure him out

Once I understood why I behaved as I did in respect of not wanting to go to parties, hate having visitors round, hate having phone conversations, I accept it and just go with it now. I am not a freak- just different

I like the ambivert label too but at a push I would say more introvert tham extrovert. I love being around people but I get hyper and overwhelmed after a while.

I hate the way that being introverted is often assumed to be a terrible character flaw that you need to battle against. It does seem that SOME extroverts believe this because they feel sorry for folk who can't be like them, even though they don't want to be like them. I think it's a bit like the city/country divide - some see the city as a horrible, loud, busy, crime-ridden, violent place; others see the countryside as a deadly boring place without street lights, no nightlife, no Starbucks, no Ubers, just somewhere to wait in tedium until you die. Neither of these attitudes is a 'wrong' one to have for you - I just feel very sorry for folk who love one of them but find themselves trapped in the other.

As has been said, shyness is a different thing entirely, and shy people do need to learn to overcome it, or at least to shift their comfort-zone just enough to be able to cope with basic communication. However, if there are some introverts who struggle with shyness, it must follow that there are also some extroverts who lack self-awareness and any internal monologue. Both of these will cause people real problems in life.

Lockdown is certainly easier for introverts, as they tend to be happier with their own company. I suppose the only issues might be within your own household, if you need your own space but it's hard to come by just now.

I was thinking the same thing PhoneLock.
Im an introvert, i know what it means as ive done a lot of reading around it.
I work in a restaurant so im doing small talk all day everyday and im good at it, and i like it, but it drains me so much and I love getting home.
Lots of people who meet me would probably say im an extrovert, im not shy, im confident, in fact at work i have a reputation for being intimidating and not taking shit.
With people i know well i can talk for hours.
Or one on one with someone who interests me even if i dont know them well.
Shallow people I dont like very much. I can smell fake from a mile away.
Im still an introvert because i recharge by being alone, doing what i want, enjoying my own thoughts and dreams.

Everyone claims to be an "introvert" on Mumsnet and it's usually by people who have no idea what it actually means
I can't work out if you're being goady, patronising, or you genuinely think it's surprising that people who enjoy their own company and find large social gatherings draining might be over-represented on an internet forum.

I think I’m an outgoing introvert. I always assumed I was an extrovert because I can be so outgoing and bubbly and chatty, but never understood why I’m so happy keeping myself busy and don’t always want to be around other people. When I read the actual definitions I figured that outgoing introvert was where I was at!

I have to regularly explain to my friends that I am an introvert and no I am not tired, I just need to party alone for the rest of the night .
Clearly, they link introverts with shyness /anti socialism and can't wrap their heads around the fact that I can be the life and soul of any party but my inner world is just as important as my outer world. I just need to be alone and I promise you - you are not boring.
I'm just more honest about who I am now, and no longer suffer from FOMO.

I’m an introvert. I still have social skills. It’s a bit like acting really, I put myself into a really good sociable mood and go out and socialise. I do find it exhausting though.

Thank you again! I have found it so interesting reading your replies.

I’m a sociable introvert too. I love spending time with friends & I’d far rather go to the office than work from home, but the thought of anyone else actually living in my home is unthinkable. It has to be somewhere where I can be completely on my own unless I choose to invite someone in.

Another confident introvert here.

In fact I've been spending the last few days dreaming about turning the spare room into an office/snug just for me to go and be alone in. As if social distancing wasn't enough!

being shy and being an introvert are not the same thing. i am not at all shy but i am extremely introverted. google it. maybe try the myers briggs test if you find that sort of thing interesting. i believe children do pick up a lot of this from their parents, personally.

I think we are born one way but can be moulded to be more confident, a natural introvert is never going to be a wildly open extrovert but can be swayed into being a little more confident

I agree with this completely. It's a confidence thing rather than introvert/extrovert - extroverts are not always confident, we're just better at making it look like we are/hiding that inside we're actually quite nervous!!!

" Try to have lunch by yourself at work and you are WEIRD. Are you sure you're ok? Head tilt."

If you go for a walk with your sandwich? I've never had that reaction. What I think is perceived as a bit odd is eating by yourself in the canteen just because our canteen is not really set up for that. I have to sit on my own on a table with 10 people and it looks strange.

Confidence and introversion and not the same things; I'm a very confident introvert! I think that yes, if you are extrovert or introvert you tend to be born that way and that they are not dominant traits for most people. I think it runs in families. My father was quiet and reflective, an observer with real depth. Lots of cultural pressure to be an extrovert because it is incorrectly associated with being more confident. Agree with others here that lockdown is not causing me stress and I'm not missing interacting with others one bit.

I’m very introverted and find lockdown with my three extroverted children very painful. I am mentally spent.

Interestingly, and I appreciate this is a very long bow to draw, all of the women I know in bad relationships, long term or back to back ones, fall well into the extroverted category.

@CHIRIBAYA I could have written your post myself. My mother is an extrovert and two of my siblings have inherited that trait.

Lockdown is definitely not causing me stress at all. I get to spend all day working on my own in my home office.

I think I'm an introvert in the sense that I like to be alone to "re-charge" and I find it stressful socialising all the time; I find I put on a bit of a 'performance' which can be tiring. On the other hand, I do also enjoy socialising when in the mood and can also be quite loud / chat non-stop with people I know well and am now pretty confident meeting new people (used to be very shy but not anymore). So I think I'm a mix of both. If lockdown is a test then I'm definitely an introvert- the only person I miss seeing is my mum and I'm happy chilling at home (as much as one can chill with a toddler and 6 month old)!

Extroverts get their energy from other people, introverts get it from within themselves. Its nothing to do with shyness or lack of confidence it's just different personality types. Both types needed to make a compatible society.

I know staying with one of my extrovert siblings and her extrovert husband for extended periods can be extremely wearing. They must be stealing my energy!

It's been so refreshing reading your comments. At parents evening, the teacher said my son often plays on his own or comes up with his own games, but still has friends. Does anyone have any tips with easing shyness? I always encourage him to say hello to people but he'll always comment "i feel shy" and i think this ruins his enjoyment of social situations. Like with the case of zoom, i could tell he found the experience uncomfortable which I completely understand, i just want to help him not go through life avoiding certain things because he's shy.