Introverts and extroverts

[ThisHereMamaBear]

Do you think you are born one way or another? I'm definitely an introvert. I'm less shy than I used to be but I still find it hard socialising. My dh is the same. We had a zoom chat today for our ds's class, reception age. It seemed like most of the children were excitable and chatty but my ds just wanted to hide behind me. Do you think I can do anything to encourage him to be more confident? Or are we the way we are?

Thank you everyone, i've read all your messages. I really appreciate them and have definitely learnt a lot.

Introvert by definition, ie I find social situations draining rather than energising.

However I'm extremely impulsive and in the right circumstances (which haven't happened for some time) I can be hedonistic and very sociable.

I suffer from chronic fatigue which is one of the reasons the opportunity to party very rarely happens. I love being at home so I'm OK.

I‘m very introverted. Sometimes I think I wouldn’t mind if I wouldn’t have to go to another social occasion ever again.

DH is also very introverted. A while into our relationship we realised that at every social event we went to, we would stand next to the food and only talk to each other

I definitely think it is just a part of a person’s personality that should be embraced

Actually, growing up with parents always having parties etc... Made me very introverted. I hated it.

A complete extrovert here. Need people. Very shy as a child and teenager due to parenting, but found my feet.
DD is also a complete extrovert. Not remotely shy. Quietly confident mostly, but also needs people. She's bookish, but needs to talk to people after reading for e.g.
DS possibly introverted. Not shy, but doesn't need people. Seems content not to see anyone for days/weeks. Not remotely fazed by lockdown whereas dd is going out of her mind and is lonely.

I’m a confident introvert who can be outgoing , but its an effort and often drains me. I’ve definitely become more so as I’ve got older. Family are all quite introverted. I used to watch child of our time and I’m pretty sure I remember Professor Winston saying something like your introvert/extrovert nature is formed by age 3, so very introverted parents can influence their children to be less so by encouraging socialising etc —shakes head that I can remember one sentence from the early noughties, but can’t remember what I went upstairs for—

Lots of wise words on this thread.

I am an introvert. I am not shy. I have worked for years in high level jobs involving lots of international travel, presentations, engaging in dialogues. I can be charming, host well, can easily do small talk,put people at ease, I have confidence. Just leaves me exhausted.

I'm not shy at all, but I am an extreme introvert.

This is well worth a watch to help understand introverts more...

www.ted.com/talks/susan_cain_the_power_of_introverts?language=en

I am an introvert and I believe that I was born this way.I am drained with too much stimulus. For me introversion is not about being shy or about disliking people, it's more to do with the way in which we recharge. I am very sociable with the right people and not at all shy, but I prefer being in my own company. I have sometimes been forced in to situations where I have had to appear more extroverted and confident but essentially that is not who I am at all. For me its something that cant just be shaken out of you. If anything I have become more and more introverted with age.

Im an introvert.
Im not shy.
I enjoy socialising and have a big family, friends, get on with my work collegues and love staff parties, even throw my own party once a year for family and friends.
I enjoy it, I'll talk, laugh, sing, dance, start an argument, but at a certain point I hit a wall and have to go home.
Its a running joke in my family that I dont do a long goodbye, once im done I'm gone.
I enjoy my own company and never get bored.
My son is also an introvert, hes not shy either but we like being at home doing our own thing.
My mother is an extrovert, im the eldest of five, house was always full of friends, family, other peoples kids, lots of parties and get togethers, lots of noise and activity so nurture didnt really work on me.

It's a misconception that being shy is being introverted
You can also be a confidant introvert. I can do a dynamic presentation, but I'm not going to want to hang around in the conference room afterwards.

It's a difference in where you get your energy: Extroverts are energized by socializing, introverts are drained by it.

I think it's nature, but I think the degree or intensity can be influenced by the environment.

My brother got his energy from people from Day 1, but I think living in a family of introverts probably made his need for interaction more intense, so he developed interests and behaviors to meet that need.

I’m definitely an ambivert. Really need both time to myself and time with other people. If I go too far in either direction I end up low energy.

Introversion and shyness aren't the same, equally introverts don't lock confidence.

Introversion Vs extroversion is where you get your energy from.

I'm introverted, but am confident in my own skin and can manage in social situations. I just don't thrive on social gatherings and prefer my own company.

Unfortunately the world top often seems to value extrovert traits, but that's no reason to perpetuate that idea. As a teacher and introvert one thing I hate is when teachers tell parents their child needs to be more extroverted.

Slave2love

If anything I have become more and more introverted with age.

For me it to do with self acceptance with age.

I used to feel I was failing in some ways, but now I accept my feelings with self love.
I have hosted socially, attended events, worked in jobs that utiilised my interactional skills, cultivated friendships because of the expectations of others.
Most of it was forced. I felt obliged, I felt weird, confused because I was able to carry out all these interactions, yet derived little pleasure.
Things are very different now, and I am much happier. My introverion is the same as it has always been, but I am true to myself.

I’d really recommend reading ‘Quiet’ by Susan Cain (the power of introverts in a world that won’t stop talking.) It can be really hard for introverted kids in a world that values extroverts. I think someone also recommended watching her Ted talk on the same subject.

School is set up to have children in large classes. It's noisy and busy and there's no privacy. If a child goes off n their own to find a quiet corner for solitude or reflection they are called weird and get bullied.

Adults are no better. Try to have lunch by yourself at work and you are WEIRD. Are you sure you're ok? Head tilt.

Yes actually I just wanted a break from the NOISE. How dare I!

I am an introvert and shy. I am much better one on one but in a social gathering am more likely to listen and sometimes zone out rather than be the centre of the chat. Luckily my husband is an extrovert and extremely chatty so he helps me come out of my shell in social situations. I am confident in myself and was on the debate team at school and Uni but am just shy and do prefer being in small groups rather than large. My dd is shy too but I encourage her at every opportunity to gain confidence.

I think it is a bit of nurture and nature.

"An extrovert gains energy when engaging with other people whereas an introvert expends energy when with other people."

I think this is only part of the story.
I remember being told this at a Myers Briggs workshop and thinking I must be an introvert because the example they gave was 'what would you like to do if you're away at a work conference and you've been with colleagues all day, would you like to go out for dinner with colleagues or stay in by yourself'. I chose stay in by myself and thought this was because I gain energy from being alone.
However, thinking about it over the years, the reason why I'd stay in is likely because there would be some people in the group I wouldn't want to be with. If a group I particularly liked were going out, I'd want to go. So maybe what I have is difficulty socialising rather than getting energy from being alone.
Another thing is how deflated I feel during lockdown. Human contact obviously gives me energy as well as taking it awawy sometimes.

I’m an introvert, as in I am very happy in my own company, love living in the world that goes on in my head, I have hours of happy debate over things I find interesting, all in silence in my mind. I have very weird thought patterns and interests so usually find myself the best point of conversation about these things.

But I’ll talk to anyone about anything. I love hearing people talk about the things important to them, their life paths and views of stuff. I seem to attract random people when out and about who tell me all sorts. I love this interaction.

I think you have a predisposition to be one way or the other, some of it will be the way your brain is wired, how well different parts of your brain are connected and developed. Quite spiritual so I believe that the ability to look inwards and view the world through your own true eyes and soul rather than needing the input of others depend on your position on a spiritual path.

Environment will undoubtedly play a part, does your community value external perceptions over internal dialogue? What are shown growing up?

To state that nature determines our selfs to the exclusion of nurture would suggest that we have no freedom to mould our personalities. Just because we are predisposed to something does not mean we are bound by it.

Interesting quote from Psychologies magazine:

Although we have come to see extroverts as outgoing people and introversion as shorthand for shyness, Carl Jung’s original definitions were much broader. When he first used these terms in the 1920s, Jung defined introverts as people who preferred their internal world of thoughts, feelings and fantasies, while extroverts related more powerfully to the external world, other people and activities. As psychologist Dorothy Rowe, author of The Successful Self, explains: ‘Either we are “people persons”, who judge ourselves in terms of how others respond to us, or we are “what have I achieved today?” people.’

Yeah as pp said being shy and an introvert aren't the same thing. I grew up shy meaning I massively lacked social interaction as I struggled to make friends but I've built confidence as I've got older and have come to realise that it's so nice now to be invited out and go out now and again but I find it exhausting. I need time to recover and have routine. A friend at work (in normal circumstances) sees friends 5 times a week and the thought makes me feel ill. She's fab and is just very driven and socialable but none of it has anything to do with shyness or confidence.

I agree that its a spectrum: very few people are exclusively one or the other -- most people have tendencies towards both. I definitely have both: I am fairly good socially, reasonably confident and enjoy socialising but I crave alone time and get stifled a lot in big groups.

I do think that society tends to push a lot of people into extroversion for various reasons (work, socialising when young etc) and a lot of people become quite good at faking being extrovert and masking the fact that they're essentially introvert. I think admitting to yourself that you find too much social activity draining can be quite liberating.

I think the trick with children is to allow their natural tendencies to shine through without trying to push them into scenarios they're not comfortable with.

As far as I can tell, being introvert is far away the easier way to be in the world. Being an extrovert is super hard.

I think I'm very introverted until I come onto MN & seem like a Queen of screaming extros. I barely need other people & they make me feel exhausted after a while. So pretty sure am quite intro.