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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Blaming my partner and resentment

68 replies

Betyourbuttons · 29/04/2020 15:20

Bit of background: I have a 1 y/o, very active, very intense but amazing son. I am a SAHM. I co-sleep with my son but DH sleeps in the guest room (his choice).

I feel like we are constantly fighting lately and that I am constantly angry with him because I don't feel he does enough. I never ask him for anything other than occasionally watching our son so I can get something done. I do all the cooking/ cleaning/ childcare etc. because that is my job, but he never offers even occassionally to cook something. It's been probably a year since he last cooked. Even on weekends I am expected to do everything and I feel it's unfair and making me resent him. He never does anything thoughtful or romantic for me either. Our last fight he made me feel really bad for being so short tempered and angry lately, which I don't feel I can help because I have very bad sleep due to our son getting 4 molars at once.

He never tries to understand where I am coming from but I also feel like I'm being unreasonable in asking him for help because he has an office job. I am also trying to study so that I can also help provide but DH never takes care of our son so the only time I have to do anything is after our son falls asleep, which is after 9pm on a good day.

I don't know how to deal with all this anger and why I am suddenly such an angry person.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting a little more from him?

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 15:24

Apart from when you fight, do you ask him to cook dinner? Or do you just assume he wants you to do it.
Have you tried saying ‘how about you cook tonight/tomorrow night/on Saturday’?

TheTrollFairy · 29/04/2020 15:25

Has this happened since the lockdown? I think the current situation is having major effects on my mood!

Have you tried your DS in his own room so you and H can go back to sharing a bed? If you are with your son all day and then also co sleeping with him, where is the time for just you and your husband? (I’m not saying this as an excuse BTW, just seeing when your adult time is)
If you go back to sharing a room with your H then you could do a layin each weekend day and take it in turns to get up.
I’m guessing you have spoken to him about your parental responsibility is equal in the evenings/weekends and your the main care giver during his work hours

Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 15:26

And yes, I totally agree that you aren’t making any time for just the 2 of you if your child is in bed with you.
I would put your child into his own room, de-baby your bedroom and make time together.

Original poster
Betyourbuttons · 29/04/2020 15:27

When I do ask him, he conveniently "forgets" or suggests I do it because he is slow/ I am a better cook.
I have asked for scheduled time to do things and for scheduled time where he cooks but it just never happens and when I bring it up, he "forgot".

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 29/04/2020 15:29

I would figure the resentment goes both ways..
Not sharing a bed for a year.. Maybe he feels disconnected and annoyed. Then probably guilty for feeling that way.

Original poster
Betyourbuttons · 29/04/2020 15:29

Oddly enough, DH decided to start sleeping in the guest room before the baby... he said the mattress was better for his back. It always seems to me that he has excuses to not sleep with me and that was an issue pre-baby.

OP posts:
Bookaholic73 · 29/04/2020 15:31

You need to sit down and discuss this with him.
Say you feel disconnected from him and that you’d like to rekindle the relationship. Say you’re putting the baby into their own room and then invest in a good mattress.

Gawdsake2020 · 29/04/2020 15:32

He was sleeping in the guest bed before the baby was even born? I’m sorry OP but this is no real relationship.

nervousnelly8 · 29/04/2020 15:33

I am currently transitioning DS to his own room after 8 months of co-sleeping (he's nearly 14mo now). DH was also in the spare room and he is beside himself to be getting back to our bed. He didn't raise it until I wanted to stop co-sleeping - I think he thought he was being supportive - but he was really struggling with the loss of intimacy (not necessarily sexual).

I don't think YABU to want him to share the parenting/housework burden a bit more, but perhaps there is something more going on. Can you have a proper conversation about it without pointing fingers?

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2020 15:35

Never mind the cooking. Does he play with/bath/change nappies/feed your son?

Does he do anything that a parent or partner would do?

Doesn't sound like it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 29/04/2020 15:37

Even on weekends I am expected to do everything and I feel it's unfair and making me resent him.

He's an arsehole.

Original poster
Betyourbuttons · 29/04/2020 15:38

I have tried but it feels like there are always just excuses. Even in bed he barely cuddled because he is chronically exhausted and bed is for sleeping in his eyes. I even refurbished the bedroom and we got new, separate mattresses to try and accommodate for him but he just constantly has excuses. He often told me he slept badly when we slept together.

I don't see anything wrong if he wants his own space and is disturbed by me but I would just like some honesty instead of excuses.

OP posts:
ScarfLadysBag · 29/04/2020 15:39

Why is the focus on OP to stop co-sleeping? Will it miraculously make her husband do some housework and cooking? Or look after his own child? Confused

I understand that sometimes co-sleeping can cause difficulties, but I don't see how it can be blamed for him doing sod all about the house. Poor little man, doesn't get to sleep in bed with his wife (or presumably have to do any night wakings or overnight childcare) so can't raise a finger to help with anything.

Original poster
Betyourbuttons · 29/04/2020 15:40

I have asked him to feed our son but he just doesn't do it. He just loses focus and then eats by himself. As for bathing, no. He doesn't want to and he has never bathed our son. He does play with him sometimes and it's very sweet to watch them but it feels like that's the only aspect he takes on.

OP posts:
Grumpos · 29/04/2020 15:40

Going to be brutally honest - this relationship isn’t going to last the distance without MASSIVE change.
Your partner doesn’t sound like he either wants to change or is capable of change.
So, do you wait and waste 10 years until you build up to actually calling it a day because you simply cannot live with someone who is so utterly disrespectful towards you any longer or do you put your foot down now and say SORT YOUR LAZY ARSE OUT OR FUCK OFF and save yourself a lot of years of heartache.

If the person you’ve chosen to spend your life with won’t even make you a measly sandwich and a cuppa then you are really scraping the barrel calling it a relationship.

Seriously put your foot down and demand change or tell him it’s over. Or you really do risk wasting a lot of years to come to the same conclusion (he’s a useless selfish tosser).

ErickBroch · 29/04/2020 15:42

Some of these responses... so people with office jobs (like me) never come home and have to cook? I commute 3hrs round trip to work so when I get home it's 7 and I have to then cook dinner. Why can't he?! Looking after a 1yo is way, way more tiring. I would feel extremely resentful too.

Grumpos · 29/04/2020 15:42

Just reading your updates and the obvious problem is that your partner does not want to be in the relationship and does not want to be a parent.
If he wanted to do all the things a parent and partner doss - he would. He might not be perfect at them but he would try and show willing and show he cares about you and baby.

But he doesn’t try, because ultimately he doesn’t want to.

I’m sorry but this is dead in the water, get your shit sorted for the end of lockdown and kick him out.

copycopypaste · 29/04/2020 15:42

So you've got 3 children then Op

ErickBroch · 29/04/2020 15:43

Your latest post, he does literally nothing for his child. Won't even feed or bathe him. I would expect immediate significant changes or simply leave.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 29/04/2020 15:43

Sounds like he’s checked out (if he ever checked in) on family life.
Either he partakes or you check out of any involvement with him: don’t cook for him, don’t do his washing, don’t tidy up after him. If your job is raising the baby then surely that’s all you have to
do...like him and his job.

ScarfLadysBag · 29/04/2020 15:46

As always on these threads, there seem to be a not insignificant number of men whose lives actually seem to get easier when children arrive. Pre-children men have to cook and help with housework, etc. surely? But once a child arrives it's apparently fine for them to do sod all because they're now 'going out to work'. Newsflash: most of us have gone through life working and also doing housework and cooking and all the life admin that has to be done. That stuff doesn't disappear when there's a child around yet now he gets to do even less than he presumably did before because he's now got a skivvy to do it for him...

LannieDuck · 29/04/2020 15:46

He's not parenting at all, is he?

Even on weekends I am expected to do everything

Why? Presumably he's not working at weekends, so what's his excuse for not doing half the housework/childcare?

GetOffTheTableMabel · 29/04/2020 15:50

So what DOES he contribute to family life? Aside from money (which he presumably does provide) what does he add to day to day life?
If the answer is nothing, then ask yourself honestly whether you might be better off without him. You’d get an occasional weekend off that way.

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 29/04/2020 15:50

So why are you with this man

OnlyJudyCanJudgeMe · 29/04/2020 15:51

?