Blaming my partner and resentment

[Betyourbuttons]

Bit of background: I have a 1 y/o, very active, very intense but amazing son. I am a SAHM. I co-sleep with my son but DH sleeps in the guest room (his choice).

I feel like we are constantly fighting lately and that I am constantly angry with him because I don't feel he does enough. I never ask him for anything other than occasionally watching our son so I can get something done. I do all the cooking/ cleaning/ childcare etc. because that is my job, but he never offers even occassionally to cook something. It's been probably a year since he last cooked. Even on weekends I am expected to do everything and I feel it's unfair and making me resent him. He never does anything thoughtful or romantic for me either. Our last fight he made me feel really bad for being so short tempered and angry lately, which I don't feel I can help because I have very bad sleep due to our son getting 4 molars at once.

He never tries to understand where I am coming from but I also feel like I'm being unreasonable in asking him for help because he has an office job. I am also trying to study so that I can also help provide but DH never takes care of our son so the only time I have to do anything is after our son falls asleep, which is after 9pm on a good day.

I don't know how to deal with all this anger and why I am suddenly such an angry person.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting a little more from him?

Yeah if he can’t even be assed to help on weekends and has never even bathed his own child, I’d be ending the relationship unless he seriously improves.

Okay so... just another question... for example with weekends, I try not to ask too much of him because I feel like he needs a break from working in the week and that it's my responsibility to do as much as I can even on weekends. I don't ask much of him but what I do ask he barely does.

Is my perspective on this also wrong? Should I be more demanding? I also don't want to have to ask him for every tiny thing. I feel like it's only decent to offer to do something nice for your partner every once in a while.

But every time I ask him to do something he always has excuses or is feeling unwell or he's tired, and every time I try and talk to him about not doing things he "never has time". In the mean time all he does is sit around on his phone. At least 2 hours, usually 3, every evening I spend cleaning up and doing other things preparing for the next day. All this time he sits on his phone or lies around complaining of feeling unwell.

What am I supposed to do?

Seriously what does he do for a job? I can tell you as a woman who has had a mat leave, now works full time and whose husband does some wkday child care when not at nursery, that a standard office job is nothing compared to childcare. Looking after a baby or toddler is exhausting. If I come in from work on a day my husband has been at home all day I straight away take over: bath, reading etc. When on mat leave my husbands role was to ensure I was fed and rested- household tasks were still shared. Your partner is lazy !!!

Sounds like he's well and truly checked out to me. He obviously does not enjoy being a parent and I am wondering if the sleeping arrangements mean no sex and this is something that is pissing him off too. He sounds dreadful and I doubt he'll change, they never do (NAMALT).

Perhaps it is time to arrange your waterfowl in a linear fashion?

I feel like he needs a break from working in the week

Either what you do all week is easy, in which case he can do it on the weekend easily. Or it's hard, in which case you need as much of a break as he does.

What it really is is that some people believe it's magically easy for women but hard for men. Because they are wankers.

Is my perspective on this also wrong? Should I be more demanding?
Yes and YES!!!!!
He works 5 days in the week.
He gets every evening off.
He gets every weekend off.
When do you get time off?????
I honestly think you would be far better off without him there.
He does fuck all.
He doesn't support you emotionally.
What is the actual point of him? Seriously??
You are supposed to live your best life.
This is NOT it!
If you separate at least you would get one evening and every other weekend to yourself.
I'd serious consider getting out.

I agree with others that it appears he has checked out of the relationship and parenthood. Some men do not enjoy family life and it seems your partner one of them. My ex for example is a better father now we are separated but he is still detached.

What are you getting from this relationship apart from money? Pretty sad existence. You and your son would be happier without him there. He would actually have to make some effort with his child if you split.

I can’t believe the first few answers on here. Jesus wept.
OP, he sounds like a waste of space. I’d have nothing but contempt for him.

I work in an office, 37.5hrs a week, also with a 3hr round commute each day. It's long. I still come home, cook dinner, tidy up and do shit I have to do.

On the weekend I also have responsibilities. Looking after a toddler is way, way more exhausting. He is taking the piss out of you.

The only way forward is to sit down and negotiate a housework/childcare routine which works for both of you. If you don't it'll get worse. If he won't agree to a routine stop doing any chores for him until he does - or just leave! Some people need to be told what to do when or it never happens. He might grumble for a bit - let him- don't pick up the slack. You'll both be happier in a more equal relationship - unless he is genuinely a dick who doesn't mind seeing you suffer.

You need to get tough on this and refuse to accept it anymore. He's playing you like a fiddle!

I have 2 children. On mat leave with the 2nd. DH and I both have office jobs and agree that for us, work is a nice break compared to child care.

While I'm on mat leave DH does most of the cooking. We split the chores. Basically we both have the same amount of down time (very little!). Child care is not time off.

Evenings and weekends DH looks after the children too. With the exception of breastfeeding and that therefore I sleep with the baby, it's pretty equal.

He'd be giving me lie ins too if we didn't have 2 children and his work.

I consider that this is how it should be.

He has a live-in housekeeper and nanny for his children. I assume also an occasional sex-partner.

There is no care, no companionship and no co-parenting. And no relationship.

OP - you don't want it to be like this forever, do you?

What are your home circumstances? Finances? How did it come to this?

An office job is no where near as hard as SAHM when do you get a break?

So he’s a selfish child, my DH works full time and does more than his fair share at home. We are a team.

I don't see the point of him really.

I'm sorry OP but I think you should consider whether you want to stay in this relationship.

Imo any time he's at home, be it after work or weekends should be 50/50 parenting/ cooking/housework etc

Did he actually want this baby?
Have you left him alone with the baby at all since birth for any length of time?
Sleeping apart is fine. Me and she often wish we had seperate rooms as I end up on the sofa most nights

He sounds selfish and uncaring, as well as being a crap dad.

Yeah there’s no relationship here. You’re housemates.

This is the definition of a dead relationship. Honestly, can’t see it ever working

Honestly , get rid of him. You're a single mother already.
Then you can have EOW free while his child visits him.

Serious question. Why are you with him?

Your DH sounds rubbish. Lots of us work, we still have to cook, clean and raise our children. Don't put up with it.

You deserve better. Your child deserves better. I was going to say talk to him but you have and nothing has changed or will change. Actions speak louder than words. Be honest with yourself. What do his actions tell you? He doesn’t care. After lockdown has ended, you need to tell him to leave.