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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Blaming my partner and resentment

68 replies

Betyourbuttons · 29/04/2020 15:20

Bit of background: I have a 1 y/o, very active, very intense but amazing son. I am a SAHM. I co-sleep with my son but DH sleeps in the guest room (his choice).

I feel like we are constantly fighting lately and that I am constantly angry with him because I don't feel he does enough. I never ask him for anything other than occasionally watching our son so I can get something done. I do all the cooking/ cleaning/ childcare etc. because that is my job, but he never offers even occassionally to cook something. It's been probably a year since he last cooked. Even on weekends I am expected to do everything and I feel it's unfair and making me resent him. He never does anything thoughtful or romantic for me either. Our last fight he made me feel really bad for being so short tempered and angry lately, which I don't feel I can help because I have very bad sleep due to our son getting 4 molars at once.

He never tries to understand where I am coming from but I also feel like I'm being unreasonable in asking him for help because he has an office job. I am also trying to study so that I can also help provide but DH never takes care of our son so the only time I have to do anything is after our son falls asleep, which is after 9pm on a good day.

I don't know how to deal with all this anger and why I am suddenly such an angry person.

Am I being unreasonable in wanting a little more from him?

OP posts:

Alicesweewonders · 29/04/2020 23:16

It sounds like you've done everything since your child was born & he's done nothing.

It's now become an expectation & he feels entitled. He doesn't get your point of view & never will because he cannot understand what you do housework/childcare because he's never done it.

He's living the good life & by the sounds of it you've let him for too long. Nothing will change unless you put value on what you do & worrying less that he 'needs a break' because he works - and you don't?

Original poster

Betyourbuttons · 29/04/2020 23:24

Honestly I think a lot of why I stay is out of guilt... I would feel bad for him if I left because I know he would be lost without me but I often dream of having someone who pays attention to me... The next problem is... I love being a SAHM because I get to spend my days with my son, and if I left him, I would have to stop doing that...
At this point in time and with our relationship in the state that it is, I'm just happy I can be with my son.

After reading all these comments I feel like I need to just give up on DH if nothing changes this time, but I can't just up and leave... Funnily enough I had "the talk" with him about leaving if nothing changes and magically and mysteriously ended up with a positive pregnancy shortly after. Life is crazy.

OP posts:

sst1234 · 30/04/2020 00:11

OP, a different opinion to everyone else, which I’m sure won’t go down well, but here goes anyway. You haven’t mentioned anything that is truly shocking about his behaviour. He is not abusive, he is not neglecting you, he just isn’t paying enough attention which is different to neglect. He is not emotionally/financially manipulative. I think you may be the one being over sensitive.
Not sure how long you have been with him, but why has this just become a problem now?
By your own admission, you like being a SAHM but then complain that he’s the one with freedom of an office job and your are stuck with the chores. If you want it both ways, maybe get a job and split everything equally, including household responsibilities.
It is quite common on here for people to come along and say their partner is doing something they don’t like and everyone jumps on the ‘leave him’ bandwagon. You get that same advice on the thread where a husband is having and affair or being abusive as the one where the husband doesn’t do enough household chores. It sounds to me like if your husband was writing this post he would ask something like ‘AIBU to want to leave my wife because she is chronically bad tempered, constantly arguing, looking for a fight?’ Not saying that this is the case, just that there is always two sides to a story and yours sounds a little OTT and melodramatic. First world problems, some might say.
Dig deeper, if something has changed in the last few months then figure out a way through it. If nothing has changed and he was always this way, then what are you complaining about. You are the one who has changed for having a problem with it now.

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/04/2020 01:03

But every time I ask him to do something he always has excuses or is feeling unwell or he's tired, and every time I try and talk to him about not doing things he "never has time". In the mean time all he does is sit around on his phone. At least 2 hours, usually 3, every evening I spend cleaning up and doing other things preparing for the next day. All this time he sits on his phone or lies around complaining of feeling unwell.

Sounds neglectful to me.

Original poster

Betyourbuttons · 30/04/2020 08:10

To be fair, he doesn't remember special occasions, he's not responsive during conversations and I can never get him to argue me. He's very distant and dismissive. I'm not saying he is abusing me so please don't make me out to be whining.

After we got married, he stopped being sweet and romantic and thoughtful. And I have been hanging in here begging for him to change those things but have put them aside. Now all I want is support in the house so that I can study and get a job and contribute financially because he is financially manipulative actually.

I am constantly trying to deal with my anger and resentment issues and find ways to make things better and change myself for the better- for him and for us. So why is it so much to ask that he does the same?

Sorry but it's a sh*tty attitude to have to say that I should just accept all these things and that I'm the problem.

OP posts:

sst1234 · 30/04/2020 08:17

So you come on here, share the inner workings of your marital life, don’t like the answer you get, than lash out at the person commenting. Case rested

Original poster

Betyourbuttons · 30/04/2020 08:29

Sorry, I didn't realise you expected a gushing response to your comment. I'll try harder not to defend myself next time.

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2020 08:35

@sst1234

lash out?

She disagreed with you, just as you did with her (and everyone else)

You're asking her to accept or change while he goes on his own sweet way. Hardly fair? He's not exactly overworked. Why should she put up with it?

Original poster

Betyourbuttons · 30/04/2020 08:39

Apparently it should be fine as long as I'm not being abused or neglected:/

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 30/04/2020 08:45

So he refuses to do even the most minimal housework or childcare, won’t share a bed with you and spends all his free time on his phone. What is the point of him? What value does he bring?

In answer to your question, you need to be FAR more demanding. He is getting a free pass and you are doing everything on minimal sleep. If he doesn’t really radically change his outlook this marriage will make you miserable and you need to cut your losses and leave ASAP.

thepeopleversuswork · 30/04/2020 08:47

And ignore sst1234 who appears to have extremely low standards.

Bumsnet1 · 30/04/2020 09:26

You’ve got every right to be angry! He is manipulative and lazy. He doesn’t do much because he doesn’t want to. As for sleeping in the guest room? Sounds like your running a b&b to me.

Bumsnet1 · 30/04/2020 09:31

Sorry not ‘your’, ‘you’re’.

He reminds me of my ex. It wasn’t until I had counselling that I realised he was being abusive. Always too tired, busy or ill to help or talk about the relationship. It was horrible and I was swinging between walking on eggshells and anger.

GhostCurry · 08/05/2020 11:44

How are you OP?
As for sst1234... pathetic

alittlerespectgoesalongway · 08/05/2020 12:31

Hi OP. I am a little confused about some aspects of your posts. Your OH has said that he doesn't get enough sleep when he shares a bed with you and he has said that the spare room mattress is better for his back. But you say he's giving you excuses, not reasons for not sharing a bed. Are these not genuine and understandable reasons?

He talks about feeling unwell most nights. What is this about? It sounds like he might be physically unwell. Is that the case do you think and is that impacting on how he interacts?

I agree with people saying he needs to do more and the responsibility for that is his. However, I also wondered about a couple of other things. It sounds like you step in quickly to 'rescue him' from chores. Can you leave him to it more, even if dinner is not as good as you make it and it a little later? The rest from cooking will no doubt be a good compensation for slightly less polished cooking! And in terms of childcare and chores at the weekend I think you are starting from the position that it's your work and you need to ask him for help. If you get it in your head that it is not more yours than his to do (at the weekend) then that might change how you discuss things with him and make it easier for you to not just pick up the slack without even always noticing that's what you're doing.

ChristmasFluff · 08/05/2020 12:54

I ended my marriage, because being a single parent meant I was still doing everything, but without the resentment.

Obviously, sst1234 would prefer it if I'd just sucked it up and carried on being a the good little put-upon wifey. But actually, I was instantly a lot happier. And so is my ex-husband (who wasn't even anywhere near as bad as yours, OP)

You only have one life. Don't waste it being resentful.

GhostCurry · 08/05/2020 20:39

“ he just isn’t paying enough attention which is different to neglect.”

I am still curious about this. Do you care to elaborate?

redwitch5 · 09/05/2020 00:35

I think the best you can do Betyourbuttons, is be a single parent. He's acting like a housemate not a husband. Focus on you and baby, forget him. Cook for yourself and baby, let him get his own breakfast/lunch/tea. Clean for you and baby, let him clean his space. Do laundry for you and baby, he can do his own laundry, he's old enough. If he won't step up and be a husband and father, then he can be a lodger and be responsible for himself. Ignore any tantrums he might throw, it's too late for that.
And here

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