To feel disappointed about mat leave and p*ssed off with DH

[SodOffCovid]

So I'm probably being emotional and irrational but anyway, I need to get it out and be told I'm a prat. I appreciate my problems are NOTHING compared to what some are dealing with right now. I am going to have a selfish moan..

Mat leave with number two started in Jan. This is after 4months of being off work sick, not being able to drive and barely leave the house to walk. House flooded the same week I was signed off as fit to drive...one week before builders finished fixing our house, covid starts and we're obv now isolated. In 8 months I have gone no further than a lap around the village four times . Its no one's fault I know and I am grateful my family are well but I am disappointed thinking that this is it for the rest of the year. I have a two year old that is literally climbing the walls meaning I have zero time to spend focused on my now 3month old. No baby groups etc I can totally understand, it's just having dc1 out of childcare is really tough as he gets 110% of my attention and the baby is lumped from one end of the room in his bouncer to the other. DH is wfh which is fair enough, the house is still a part building site with no floors and doors in places so it's difficult to wrestle my toddler away at times. Anyway, DH is 'happy to help', but conveniently cannot help with our toddler, make or sit with us at lunch etc anymore but will take his lunch the second he goes for a nap and sods off into the garden to chill, do some gardening, whatever he wants for an hour or so. Then returns to 'work' which 50% of the time is talking to his colleagues about non work stuff. He finishes in the early afternoon where he then 'takes the kids' while I cook the dinner and sort the bedtime routine, washing etc. I have mentioned to him a few times I feel like I'm being used as a nanny with zero time for myself. Especially as I am up all night with the baby and trying to book shopping deliveries.

Anyway, this morning Dc1 is talking and I say daddy is now working, DC says 'not you mummy, what do you do' DH shouts through 'makes me my coffee' and taps his mug. I know it's a flippant comment but it's literally tipped me over the edge...DH has told me this is not his fault but doesn't see an issue with how things are. Aibu to feel abit pissed off atm?

Please tell me I'm not the only one finding mat leave just shit right now

Very similar situation with similar aged children. However my husband has the kids every lunch time for an hour whilst I go and have an hour to myself. He also takes them and puts them both to bed once he has finished work. I'm bored and a bit fed up but my husband is doing everything he can to help with the kids.

I could have written your post too OP. I'm really struggling with a 2.5 year old and a 10 week old. I'm so sad that my planned maternity leave has just gone to shit. My toddler has regressed massively in all areas - back to wearing a nappy or soiling her knickers. Major tantrums, hitting and biting. I'm just spending 90% of my time trying to sort her out or keep her entertained without having the TV on for 9hrs a day. My poor baby is just quickly fed then chucked down on his bouncer. DH tries to help when he can but he's busy working 9am-6pm. He's been annoying me too - making 'helpful' suggestions about how my toddler needs to have x amount of education in the day, outdoor play etc etc. I know she does but it's very hard to be this super mum when you have a 10 week old on your boob every 3hrs!
I really want to drive up to my mum's - bigger house and garden for my toddler to run around in plus the extra pair of hands so I can at last lay on a sofa and watch tv with my newborn beside me!! I know it's incredibly selfish as other people have it much worse but the thought of doing this for weeks on end is making me really down. Praying there's some relaxation next Thursday.

Thanks, although I'm sorry you're also bored. I am selfishly gutted mat leave is going to be taken up by this lockdown. Just don't see it ending before I go back to work. I'm worried my MH is going to suffer as I've not known 'normal' for so long already.

Sounds like a relaxed work schedule, I’d start dh on a night shift myself, 2-4am wake ups are his or something useful. And things done online are the province of the guy sitting at a computer all day - sounds like he does the shopping. Or, he takes the children for 45 mins between 9 and 4 and you do it if it’s too hard for him. Some parts of this are definitely his fault! He needs to live to regret that makes me coffee comment, it’s not in the slightest funny when you are feeling unappreciated and shows how disconnected they are to how you feel.

He needs a lunch hour while you have an hour off at the very least..
Tea time +toddler bath can be his job every other night.
He is taking the piss.
Stop allowing it today!!

Why on earth are you putting up with being treated like that?

Thanks, I just don't know how to get through this year like this and then feel incredibly sad that this is my one and only time with dc2 as a baby I'm just wishing it away

Your DH needs to step up!! He has had this baby too. He needs to be taking the older DC for a bit any time he can.

I'm in a similar position with a 2.5 year old and 4 month old, I wouldn't worry about the baby's development really.. They only need food and love and sleep really and they are probably getting stimulation from watching your older DC

You are doing fab and definetly not being unreasonable to be pissed off!! Sounds like a shit situation. Try to have a conversation about how drained your feeling and arrange some time for yourself.

It's a hard time anyway having a newborn and toddler without all this shit goin on!!

YANBU. I really feel for you, we’re in a similar situation. I wasn’t well when pregnant and then had various dramas as soon as I went on mat leave (nothing life threatening but all irritating/worrying, eg boiler issues, sick pet). Then DC2 was born in January and we’d literally just started going to baby groups when lockdown began.

Now attempting to home school DC1 (4), while also dealing with The World’s Clingiest Baby. DC1 is quite jealous and also four, so doesn’t think, and has form for waking the baby when I’ve finally got him to sleep, charging in if baby is sleeping elsewhere, etc. He’s also synched his bowels so always needs help with a poo just as baby has gone to sleep/needs a feed and usually when DP is on work calls.

This is just not what I expected my mat leave to be like and I’m quite sad as it’s our last baby and it was a chance for me to make some local friends (we haven’t lived in the area very long). First world problems and all that but still.

My DP is generally very good and working lightly so v hands on with DC1 but still. DC2 won’t go to him for more than 5 minutes without wailing for me. He grandly offers to take DC2 out for long buggy walks “to give me a break” but can’t possibly take DC1 as well. I just want to be able to pass DC2 to someone or put him down for more than 5-10 minutes without being wailed at!

Do you think there's any chance we will claw any time back later this year I guess none of us know

DH shouts through 'makes me my coffee' and taps his mug.

I'm sorry but that isn't a 'joke' I'd have put up with. He either doesn't know how hard this is for you, in which case he needs to. Or he doesn't care, in which case I'd make him care.

Is the baby bottle fed? If so, any feeds after 5am are his. He can sort baby and toddler til 9am when he wakes you and takes himself off to work.

Lunch together. All of you. It's nice to have grown up company.

He can do all the night feeds on Friday nights so you get an uninterrupted night, and let you lie in Sunday morning.

No he's breastfed so it's all on me. I don't mind feeding him but just feel totally lost as a person right now

My mat leave had just finished when all this started which I am so lucky for.

However I am now at home with a 3.5 year old who desperately needs the routine of preschool and a just turned 1 year old. DH is out the house at work from 7:30am until 8:30pm 6 days a week so I get no respite at all. I am desperate for adult conversation and the chance to feel normal again.

I'm really sorry others are struggling too. My dcs behaviour has regressed too. It's so difficult for them to understand what's going on isn't it.

If my dh tapped his mug at me I would be turning off the WiFi.. Working or not..

YANBU! Shortly about to be in a similar situation myself... C section booked for 3 weeks time and have a bored 3.5 year old at home full time. Have delayed the start of my mat leave by a week as working from home in shifts with husband is actually easier than trying to entertain the 3.5 year old...! Can't even imagine what fresh hell awaits me soon, especially once husband is back working and I have two to look after.
You have my utmost sympathy! Lets hope the lockdown is lifted soon so we can at least get out a little more and see family.

@SodOffCovid yep my 3.5 year old is becoming more and more challenging. Lots of crying about the wrong coloured cup etc, then not sharing, can’t wait his turn in a game, cries if he loses- things that he was managing fine when in an environment with other similar age children. I think we just need a break from each other to be honest.

I feel for you but I do think it will be healthier for you to try to accept the reality of now. What you're going through sounds a bit like grief. Ie. You're grieving the maternity leave you'd envisaged.

It's good to have plans for when lockdown ends. But waiting for it to end and not living in the meantime will only make you feel worse. Ask yourself what you can do whilst on maternity leave, don't keep running through all the things you'd like to do but can't. Are there any online baby groups for example that you can dial into from home?

With respect to your DH - that would wind me up too. YANBU at all in my opinion to expect more of him. I'm currently on mat leave (just one child though) and my DH is working from home. During the day he works 8-4.30 and I try to leave him to it. However, as soon as he finishes work he is just as responsible for childcare, cooking, cleaning, etc as I am. We share the workload.

At the weekend when he isn't working we have a shift/rota for child care. One of us does the night shift which is 8pm - 8am, then it's alternating 3 hours chunks where the parent 'on-call' is the primary carer.

In your case, I'm not sure our rota would work for you as your baby isn't sleeping through the night yet but I'm wondering if a 6 houly rota might work? So 8pm - 2am, 2am - 8am, 8am - 2pm and 2pm - 8pm. It's something to consider, it's revolutionised our house. We were both getting very stressed cause neither of us felt like we were getting a break because we both felt like we were 'on call' all the time.

Since we've had this in place I've done lots of fun stuff on my own. Baths, walks, watching TV, eating uninterrupted etc .

I've just seen your update about breastfeeding. Shifts would still work. on DHs shift, he'd do everything that needed doing except for the feed. He'd bring the baby to you for feeding and then take the baby away to wind/settle once fed.

You'd just get to do the fun bit .

I've spoken to my DH about this because this is our plan if we have another baby and if I'm able to breastfeed.

Make him his coffee :then dare him to drink it(he's being a arse. I'm a part time sahm dad, as I work pt, now working from home, if that makes a difference)

-I think your DH should take his lunchbreak when the toddler is awake. Can you tell him this?

-I think you might be being a bit harsh to suggest your DH is not really working because he is talking to his colleagues etc. The reality of being at work is that you might not be 100% productive constantly. As long as he is not genuinely skiving I think you can't police his productivity (just as I would not expect him to have a go at your for browsing the internet for a few mins instead of being 100% focused on baby and toddler/)

-If your DH is genuinely looking after the kids after he finishes in the early afternoon, then can you take a bit of time to yourself then? Eg 30 mins or an hour before you put on the laundry, cook dinner etc.

I am WFH at the moment while my DH looks after our baby. It's pretty full on for both of us imho. I think we both sometimes feel that the other gets more free time.

I started lick down prior to lockdown and have been on lockdown since little one was born 8 weeks ago. Also have a 2 Yr old. It's not how I planned my mat leave, but I'm making the most of it and trying to enjoy the time with my little ones. Do try, you'll never get it back. My two year old is learning to entertain himself, we are going for walks, putting on the TV more than usual and spending as much time in the garden as poss. I know some people aren't lucky enough to have gardens.

My DH is actually very enlightened and egalitarian, but when those little sexist moments happen, I believe it is my responsibility to point them out to our child and explain that they are wrong. It’s the only time I don’t present a united front with him as a co-parent. It is too important to counteract this for the next generation.

It's a bloody hard setup having a little baby and a toddler even at the best of times, which this very clearly isn't. Some of the things you mention are a normal part of having two kids of that age and you would experience them on some level even if it weren't for the pandemic. I don't say that to minimise what you're going through, just to try and reassure you that it's normal to not necessarily feel like you're enjoying the time. Because it is fucking difficult, even before all the covid shit is added in to make everything much worse. And the flooding! That would drive anyone to distraction. Just because you'll never get this time back doesn't mean it isn't brutal to get woken up several times a night and then have to deal with an exuberant toddler when you get up.

And yeah, your DH isn't doing enough.