To feel disappointed about mat leave and p*ssed off with DH

[SodOffCovid]

So I'm probably being emotional and irrational but anyway, I need to get it out and be told I'm a prat. I appreciate my problems are NOTHING compared to what some are dealing with right now. I am going to have a selfish moan..

Mat leave with number two started in Jan. This is after 4months of being off work sick, not being able to drive and barely leave the house to walk. House flooded the same week I was signed off as fit to drive...one week before builders finished fixing our house, covid starts and we're obv now isolated. In 8 months I have gone no further than a lap around the village four times . Its no one's fault I know and I am grateful my family are well but I am disappointed thinking that this is it for the rest of the year. I have a two year old that is literally climbing the walls meaning I have zero time to spend focused on my now 3month old. No baby groups etc I can totally understand, it's just having dc1 out of childcare is really tough as he gets 110% of my attention and the baby is lumped from one end of the room in his bouncer to the other. DH is wfh which is fair enough, the house is still a part building site with no floors and doors in places so it's difficult to wrestle my toddler away at times. Anyway, DH is 'happy to help', but conveniently cannot help with our toddler, make or sit with us at lunch etc anymore but will take his lunch the second he goes for a nap and sods off into the garden to chill, do some gardening, whatever he wants for an hour or so. Then returns to 'work' which 50% of the time is talking to his colleagues about non work stuff. He finishes in the early afternoon where he then 'takes the kids' while I cook the dinner and sort the bedtime routine, washing etc. I have mentioned to him a few times I feel like I'm being used as a nanny with zero time for myself. Especially as I am up all night with the baby and trying to book shopping deliveries.

Anyway, this morning Dc1 is talking and I say daddy is now working, DC says 'not you mummy, what do you do' DH shouts through 'makes me my coffee' and taps his mug. I know it's a flippant comment but it's literally tipped me over the edge...DH has told me this is not his fault but doesn't see an issue with how things are. Aibu to feel abit pissed off atm?

Please tell me I'm not the only one finding mat leave just shit right now

You sounds really sad OP, but you're not responding to posters saying the only solution is your husband altering his behaviour. What about showing him this thread?

OP's husband - your wife is KNACKERED. I get that working from home can be hard and annoying but sodding off for an hour's break isn't an option when you have a toddler and a newborn baby. GIVE HER A BREAK! If you wonder why she needs a break, I suggest you take over solo childcare from the time they wake on Saturday and see how you feel by lunchtime (and that's without breastfeeding).

Also - put some washing on. However many loads of washing there are a week (ask your wife) you should be doing at least half of them. Give us one good reason why you shouldn't. Sure, it's boring. It's boring for her too.

It's not fair that your life is barely altered while hers is a whirlwind of milk, shit, cleaning, cooking, bathtime and bedtime.

Well I wouldn't be making my DH coffee or any meal or drink for a very long time if I were you.

OP I could have written your post. I have barely left the house since October because of various complications and now have a clingy breastfed 8 week old son with preschool and year 2 daughters at home. My longed for dream of enjoying maternity leave, finally getting out and about and socialising has just evaporated.

It's a struggle with the 3 at home but my DH - also WFH - does contribute. That was one of the conditions of a third pregnancy and child.

Our children are not exclusively my responsibility 24/7, any partner assuming this is inherently selfish. So you may need to guide him. If you think he would understand and stick to picking up more responsibility then please sit him down, explain how you feel and set a plan in place. If not, then have a 'headache' for a day on the weekend, and take to your bed with the exception of feeds. This may help to aid his understanding of your daily life at the moment.

I cannot understand how someone could watch their partner deal with a toddler and a newborn, breastfeeding, and not automatically assume that the rest of the household work fell to them. FFS. Even if he were out of the house 9-5 or 8-7 or whatever, he would still be able to come home and shoulder the load, wouldn't he? And take the toddler for a bit.

Sounds as if he is a lazy shite.

Your husband is taking the piss

How is he at weekends? Does he split childcare and housework fairly?

Does he have some spare holiday he could use to take a day a week and help with the relentless pressure on you?

He absolutely needs to help during his lunchbreak. Even just 10 mins where you can go and have a cup of tea.

If you're cooking dinner while he does evening childcare, could his childcare extend to the bedtime routine? So once he gets off work, he's 'on' and you're able to do some other chores in peace?

(Incidentally, IMO, the person who is breastfeeding gets the drinks made for them. They are not the person who makes the drinks.

If he were at work he'd get his own bloody coffee and it'd take maybe ten whole seconds longer to make coffee, make you a drink, and bring it to you. Being dehydrated makes you even more exhausted which you do not need.)

Yes very similar here, off with DC2, when he was 6 weeks old my dad died unexpectedly, I then spent 2 month bed ridden with a parasite infection, DC2 then was in hospital with sepsis, we moved home got into the swing of things then bam lock down, and due back into work in 3 months.

I’m ratty and tired at the situation, being leaned on by my widowed mum and I’m just so tired and fed up but no one else in my circle gets it so I just end up feeling like a moany bitch

Sorry you're having a hard time. You're allowed to be annoyed/disappointed with the situation & it sounds like your DH manages to choose his breaks with precision timing!

Mine had a habit of having a quick shower before the DC went to bed - also translated as I'll have a shower in peace while you run around at the 'witching hour'.

I mentioned to my DMum once & she said DDad used to practise his flute when she was making tea (& supervising us kids) & wonder why she got annoyed!

My DH got made redundant when I was on mat leave which spoilt it a bit too so I understand the disappointment.

Why can't you go out for an hour's exercise each day or alternate days with or without the children

Why can't he take some of the load ?

Everybody is struggling it’s not an easy situation for anybody but sadly it’s what’s needed just now.

You really need to talk to your DH and tell him to start pulling his weight. When my DH is home from work his job is baths and bed and he has a very manual job but it’s his time with the kids and time for me to breathe.

Could you ask him what he contributes to the family? Besides financial, because he would have to do that if you divorced. Ask him in what way is he making your life better or easier. And maybe ask yourself that too. How different would your life be if you were a lone parent. At least you'd have a minimum of every other weekend to yourself and he would have to parent.

Don’t let him treat you this way. When he demands coffee, say no. Ask him to look after the DC on his lunch break- he has to have a break as he would at work. When he’s finished work, he takes over the childcare for a bit and at least let’s you have a bath in peace. On his days off he should take the baby so you can give the toddler some 1:1 attention.

He basically needs to step up more.

I'd piss in his next cup of coffee, frankly. And let him drink it.

I think you need a day off, OP, so this weekend, take Saturday or Sunday. Express if you can, otherwise just have the baby for feeds. Leave it to "D"H to do everything else, including cooking and chores, so he knows how tough it is. Have a long bath, sleep, read, watch tv, surf the net.

Then, when he's knackered and stressed, explain to him that this is your life, every single day, and that he needs to step up and share the load.

You are not alone, I had a c section mid December followed by an infection, so I took my time and took the 6 weeks until I could drive again.

Comes to February and I started baby groups, I’ve really longed to get out and make new friends which was a big part of my leave I was looking forward to. Then come early March we are stuck at home, because my Daughter had a cough we were at home the week before lockdown too.

Daughter is older and at school so I’m now juggling the baby between her home school and the fact he’s very clingy. Not what I imagined at all.

Not sure anything will come of it but sign this in the hope we might be given something so we might regain some time with our babes.

You will see from the amount of signatures you definitely aren’t unreasonable

petition.parliament.uk/petitions/306691

Big hugs xx

Gosh that sounds so tough. Your husband’s comment was bang out of order and he needs to acknowledge that. I was finding it similarly tough at the start of lockdown - homeschooling (or attempting to) the 4 year old while juggling a toddler and 5 month old breastfed Velcro baby (now 6 months), also doing all the food planning, shopping, cooking, laundry etc etc. while husband worked long hours from home. I was feeling so stressed, flustered, tearful, failing at everything, missing all my friends and the baby groups.

Things have got better after husband realised that I wasn’t coping. So now we sync our lunches and he always (well mostly) eats lunch with us and clears up and makes the coffee, as well as sorting breakfast out so I can catch up on sleep if it’s been a particularly bad night with the baby, and finishes work on time to eat with us, then does bedtime while I take the baby out for a run. He also takes all 3 (in theory) on a Saturday morning so I can do an online exercise class and if he has time during the week he takes the baby out for a buggy run to get him to sleep.

Little things but it’s allowed me to enjoy this time and see all the positives - more time with the 4 year old, meals together as a family (every so often he’s in a meeting and it’s a total nightmare doing lunch on my own - well this would be daily life if it wasn’t for the lockdown!), no school run to worry about so more relaxed mornings.

I’m fortunate though that as a sahp I’m not going back to work soon. I’d be gutted if this was my maternity leave. You’re not being unreasonable, it all sounds very shitty and you have my full support to have a big moan about it.

I know exactly how you are feeling. My partner leaves for work at 7:30 and doesn't getting till nearly half 5. I have a 5 year old and a 6 year old autistic boy and I'm literally drained all the time between arguments and crying and the kick offs and my boy struggles to sleep aswell so he could be up anytime from midnight (sometimes all night) right the way through. It feels like I dont get 2 mins to myself

DH shouts through 'makes me my coffee' and taps his mug.

This is utterly appalling. It's not a joke and he knows it.

I'm WFH, and I manage to make my own brews. Your DH is a major contributor to how you are feeling right now.

he can make his own drink-what does he do in work tap his mug at someone-cheeky bastard

and hes at home so his lunch can be with his children not swanning off somewhere

"I have mentioned to him"

Mentioning is not working. He needs to take his lunch when the toddler is awake and take over looking after both children.

All drinks are his responsibility and he makes you one too.

Hopefully you have a slow cooker, have a look at "dump" recipes with your Dh and he puts that on in the morning, then dinner is waiting or he just needs to cook rice.

Dh has always been hands on as a Dad and so would take the children when he finished work and cook dinner because men can multi-task.

Re washing your Dh can no doubt shove a load on during the day. Takes what, 2 minutes?

The alternative to all of this is you breastfeed your baby, dump the baby in your Dh's lap and fuck off out the door for your hour long walk.

One reason I took 2 week maternity leaves as you avoid that situation entirely and keep earning. Could you not go back to work full time now and leave your husband to hire a nanny?

He needs to cover lunch with his children.

He needs to get up earlier and get his work done so he can quit earlier and give you a break.

He needs to take charge for at least an hour each evening while you do nothing for anyone but yourself. Perhaps after last evening feed, you go off and go to bed/have a bath/veg while he's in charge until the first 'night' feed. You'll then take over again.

You need to get out by yourself at weekends for a couple of hours for a long walk or bike ride.

He's not being fair and I would have killed him had he shouted at me for coffee under those circumstances. Arsehole.

Well for a start off I'd have a terrible migraine and go to bed for a couple of days, he can bring baby for feeds. When he's not around I'd read a good book, soak in the bath and eat the chocolates I'd hidden for emergencies. Hopefully he'd be so grateful when you feel able to help on Friday that he will appreciate you next week.

You are entitled to feel sad about your maternity leave, it isn't how you planned it and it sounds hard work. Hope you get to enjoy some of your leave later this year.

Forgot to say if he doesn't appreciate your more next week then do it again, eventually he will get the message.

Now is not a great time to try and hire a nanny xenia...