To feel disappointed about mat leave and p*ssed off with DH

[SodOffCovid]

So I'm probably being emotional and irrational but anyway, I need to get it out and be told I'm a prat. I appreciate my problems are NOTHING compared to what some are dealing with right now. I am going to have a selfish moan..

Mat leave with number two started in Jan. This is after 4months of being off work sick, not being able to drive and barely leave the house to walk. House flooded the same week I was signed off as fit to drive...one week before builders finished fixing our house, covid starts and we're obv now isolated. In 8 months I have gone no further than a lap around the village four times . Its no one's fault I know and I am grateful my family are well but I am disappointed thinking that this is it for the rest of the year. I have a two year old that is literally climbing the walls meaning I have zero time to spend focused on my now 3month old. No baby groups etc I can totally understand, it's just having dc1 out of childcare is really tough as he gets 110% of my attention and the baby is lumped from one end of the room in his bouncer to the other. DH is wfh which is fair enough, the house is still a part building site with no floors and doors in places so it's difficult to wrestle my toddler away at times. Anyway, DH is 'happy to help', but conveniently cannot help with our toddler, make or sit with us at lunch etc anymore but will take his lunch the second he goes for a nap and sods off into the garden to chill, do some gardening, whatever he wants for an hour or so. Then returns to 'work' which 50% of the time is talking to his colleagues about non work stuff. He finishes in the early afternoon where he then 'takes the kids' while I cook the dinner and sort the bedtime routine, washing etc. I have mentioned to him a few times I feel like I'm being used as a nanny with zero time for myself. Especially as I am up all night with the baby and trying to book shopping deliveries.

Anyway, this morning Dc1 is talking and I say daddy is now working, DC says 'not you mummy, what do you do' DH shouts through 'makes me my coffee' and taps his mug. I know it's a flippant comment but it's literally tipped me over the edge...DH has told me this is not his fault but doesn't see an issue with how things are. Aibu to feel abit pissed off atm?

Please tell me I'm not the only one finding mat leave just shit right now

Full sympathy, OP.

DH treated my mat leave with DC 2 and 3 like having live in help. In our normal lives he does almost 50% but mat leave was terrible. I remember during mat leave he attended some event about International Women's Day, and came home professing what a great balance we have. I couldn't even speak. He had no insight at all.

In academia, it is known that men become more productive right after the birth of a baby.

LolaLollypop
Go to your Mums for health
OP go on strike, also. go your Mums if possible

Invest in a playpen, put the TV on.

For your healths sake

Sorry keyboard is acting up

Not unreasonable at all. I've only an 11 week old and it's been so tough. DH is wfh and after a number of heated discussions we've agreed that he will cover 6-8am and I get an hour once he's finished work. Luckily his work have agreed to some shifting around of hours so we can get out for a walk at 3 to stave off any disaster naps at 5/6pm.
But this is nothing like I expected mat leave to look. Just as I was able to drive after an EMCS we've been largely confined to the house and zoom doesn't replace meeting new mum's. I go back to work in June so can't imagine I'll get any 'normal' leave.

Your "DH" is taking the piss. He needs to take the toddler during his lunch. And give you some time without the children at some point in the day. If you talk to him and he won't listen, then you give him the children and go out alone for your "Boris walk" for an hour.

Thanks everyone for being gentle. I have ended up in tears this afternoon because I just cracked. It's pathetic I know but I feel so guilty for dc2, I know it's not my fault, covid is no one's fault, but I look back on my time with dc1 with such joy and I know I will look back on this time with nothing but sadness and feeling stressed. It's eating me up. DH has just been the shit on top of it tbh. I don't think he meant to be mean but it's tipped me over the edge. I talked to him and he's apologised. I just don't think he understands how unbelievably hard this is when you can't take a breather or atleast a change of scenery. I take the kids for a walk around the block every morning but didn't the past few days as its rained. Maybe that's effected my mood.

I'm off for a bath, he's got the kids, but I'm upstairs now and can hear it kicking off as my dc1 is in the witching hour. Not exactly going to be relaxing but atleast it's something. I think I need a clean slate tomorrow. I hate taking my emotions out on my kids, I feel like a bad parent when I get like this, maybe I am not coping as well with two as I imagined, especially after being confined pre-birth and post surgery.

Fingers crossed there is a smidgen of time at the end of the year. Back to work on January 😕

Fingers crossed there is a smidgen of time at the end of the year. Back to work on January 😕

Please don't wait to start enjoying your maternity leave.

Could you challenge yourself to think of 10 things that you can do with the baby/children (within the realms of lockdown) and make them happen? I think once you change your mindset from 'All the things I can't do' to 'All the things I can do' things will turn around.

I had a horrendous pregnancy. I had bleeding from 24 weeks onwards and ended up delivering via an emergency section after a full placental abruption at 33+2. When my baby was born I put off a lot of things because I couldn't do it exactly how I'd imagined it. I was in denial and as a result, just hit the pause button and didn't enjoy what I had. For example, I wanted to do a cast of his hand and foot as a newborn. I didn't want to do it at 33+2 because he was so premature, but when it got to his due date I didn't want to do it then cause he was no longer firstborn... In the end, what does it really matter? The only regret I have is that I didn't take the reality I had and run with it. I very much live in the moment for now and it's so much more rewarding.

I'm glad to hear you've spoken to your DH though and are on your way for a bath. Just close the door and ignore the noise. He and the children will be fine.

I really struggling with my first baby and spent most of my maternity leave waiting to enjoy it. I constantly thought the next stage would be easier and wished our time away. With my second I was determined it would be different and I tried to enjoy every stage as it came, rather than always look to the next. It helped that she was a much easier baby who slept more but my mindset was also different.

It’s really tough right now so allow yourself to feel unperturbed/angry etc. But then try to put that to one side and focus on what you can do. Otherwise you are doing to spend the next year miserable.

Are there any baby groups you can do online? It’s not the same at all, but it does put a picture of a structure to our day which makes it more manageable. I do caterpillar music and Tinytalk with my baby and preschooler. See if they run groups near you.

I loved my first maternity leave but have been so overwhelmed on my second (with 3 under 3) that I felt like I’ve already been on lockdown for the past year! Due back to work next month and dreading working from home!
No advice, just letting you know you’re not alone.

@curiosity101, firstly I am very sorry to hear the difficulties you had, I hope you and your dc are OK.
Secondly, you are right, I know you are, I think I need to somehow take a deep breathe and start again. I think I am quite literally overwhelmed. Stupidly I accepted things for the past few weeks thinking it would end, but all of a sudden it seems everyone is talking about the months and months of lockdown to come and kids not going back to school this year and I have obviously struggled.

I will have a think and a Google about what I can do to try and enjoy it more.

Thanks everyone for your input. I hope the rest in my position can also find some moments of joy in such tricky times.

OP,

You don't think your husband understands......oh he understands.....he understands perfectly well.

That is why he takes his lunch time when he does, skips to the garden when he does, and basically does the absolute least he can get away with.

A two year old, and a new born, is relentless.

He knows only too well that you are struggling, but he would rather chance that his post partum wife have a nervous breakdown, in the bombsite of a house that you live in.
Anything, rather than step up and behave live a decent partner and father.

You are married to a right selfish prick.

Make no mistake about that OP.

A right selfish prick.

Good men, do NOT behave like this.

Take a good hard look at your situation.

You need to protect yourself and your health.

Because you are married to someone who is fully prepared to really roll the dice with your mental health.

Contact your parents and let them know.
Reach out to friends for support IRL.

They need to know exactly what a waste of space you are with, so they can support you.

Finally, this is NOT down to you.

You sound like a very strong woman, whom has been putting up with too much bullshit from her husband.

He needs to step up.

Because believe me, you will NOT forget this time, and how utterly selfish he was, and it will poison your marriage.

Thank you - that's very kind. We're fantastic now thank you , he makes me smile every day and I'm absolutely loving my maternity leave.

If you told me 8 months ago that I'd feel this way I'd tell you that you were bonkers. But I had a bunch of therapy, vowed to live in the moment, and haven't looked back. I still have my wobbles like we all do (like after a sleepless night with a badly teething baby), but I wouldn't swap this for anything. I really hope you are able to find your rhythm soon and start to enjoy things.

I do believe a big part of that will be the support from your husband though. Hopefully, you had a nice bath? But that really shouldn't be a rarity, both of you need to be getting childfree adult time on a regular occurrence. It was a revelation to me when we started using a shift system at weekends. I've been able to put me first guilt-free for the first time in 7 months!

As an aside, I feel like my husband has become a more confident father too. Probably because I'm not constantly hovering when he's doing something. Prior to our shift system, I always wanted to be there to help and support him because I felt bad just 'leaving him to it'. Like it somehow wasn't fair for him to have to do it alone? But I think in reality it probably just felt like I didn't trust him.

I think I am quite literally overwhelmed. Stupidly I accepted things for the past few weeks thinking it would end, but all of a sudden it seems everyone is talking about the months and months of lockdown

I think a lot of people understand this feeling. It's perfectly normal, we can put up with pretty much anything for a little while. But it can feel daunting once you know it may go on for the foreseeable. My only advice is to try not to focus on what will be, try to focus on what is and what you can do. But be kind to yourself if you do have a bit of a wobble.

Good luck with everything.

This is bollocks and your DH needs to step up massively.

It's not the same as being a SAHM with access to baby groups, playdates, family etc.

If he's awake and not working he is either doing childcare or essential housework, same as you. Anything else is taking the utter Michael and he needs told.

You don't think your husband understands......oh he understands.....he understands perfectly well.

That is why he takes his lunch time when he does, skips to the garden when he does,

Yep- it’s not a coincidence. He is thinking I will make my life easier by avoiding parenting and probably squashing any faint whisper in his brain of ‘oh but that doesn’t make it easier for my wife at all does it’ so he doesn’t have to feel guilty. You need to make that awareness front and centre so he can’t kid himself you are completely fine.

I'm married to a key worker whose job to me is like a big heavy suitcase that needs lots of attention... if its days on, days off etc... .the job.. .. so to get 'me time' im very specific. say , " here mind kids now for 2 hours I'm going to sleep" and I go off and lock the door and put on my ear phones and play
calm app, or tell him I'm going for a walk put on my runners and walk out the door. My two were 15 months apart, it was mad busy. But that approach helped me

Oh, you poor love.

You definitely need to tell him things must change as this is not a temporary situation. But he should be stepping up anyway.

Please do get him to read up on what he should be doing. It's good he's apologised, but he needs to do better.

I think it is incredibly difficult to concentrate when you can hear your child crying. It's the most difficult thing. So he needs to know that. Maybe he could take the children out for their exercise while you have a properly relaxing bath?

You are clearly not a bad parent. Not even a bit. If you were, you would not be worrying like this.