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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think it's wrong to sell hand me downs?

52 replies

travellerist · 29/04/2020 14:08

6 months ago I gave a friend some of DC's toys free of charge, some of which were fairly expensive when I bought them (i.e. £180 ice cream stall). I was happy to part with them for nothing as DC had good use out of them and my friend was more strapped for cash since going on mat leave.

However, yesterday I noticed this friend was selling many of these items (including said ice cream stall for £80) on FB. AIBU to be slightly annoyed at this friend for selling on these toys, especially since I only gave them 6 months ago and her DC is still of an age to get good use out of them?

I generally work off the rule that if I bought the item then I may choose to sell it in the future (although for most DC toys/clothes I donate them). If someone hands down/gifts me items then once I have gotten use out of it I pay that generosity forward and usually donate to charity or other friends.

I know once I gift someone an item it's entirely up to them what they do with it, but this has slightly irritated me. FYI my friend and her partner have a stable a job as you can have in these times and are by no means on the breadline but equally aren't rolling in it.

Appreciate your thoughts

OP posts:
P1nkHeartLovesCake · 29/04/2020 14:11

I think when you give something away you just need to forget about it to be honest.

You had an item you didn’t want, you gave it away it saved it form landfill, once that person is done with it they sell it or give it away again it’s saved form landfill

Sindragosan · 29/04/2020 14:11

I'd consider it bad form, anything we've been given or given to others gets passed around until it ends up in the bin or the charity shop, but maybe their jobs aren't as stable as you think? Selling toys off that could still be played with suggests short term cash flow issues.

Aroundtheworldin80moves · 29/04/2020 14:13

A gift is usually the recipients to do with as they please. However I think that is a bit cheeky.

Curiosity101 · 29/04/2020 14:14

my friend was more strapped for cash since going on mat leave

Could that still be the case?

Mummyshark2018 · 29/04/2020 14:14

It is a tricky one but I would be annoyed too. This situation is different from a birthday or Xmas gift. I think to be courteous and respectful she should've offered them back to you first in case you wanted to donate to another friend. I don't think it's fair that she profits from this. She's also pretty rude to advertise them so blatantly imo. I would never do that.

Could you go back to her and say that if she doesn't want them anymore that you'll take them off her to give to another friend? She would be a cheeky mare if she tried to charge you for them.

Lockheart · 29/04/2020 14:14

You were happy to part with them for nothing; what happens to them after that is none of your business. I understand why you're annoyed but they're not doing anything wrong. Given they've held onto them for 6 months I guess they're in need of cash, rather than running some mass reselling operation.

AntiHop · 29/04/2020 14:15

I think she's been cheeky and I'd be annoyed.

M0mmyneedswine · 29/04/2020 14:16

If i have been gifted something then no longer want/need i couldn't make a profit it

OneMomentInHistory · 29/04/2020 14:20

I think it's cheeky - where I've been given things I've messaged the giver when we're done with them and asked what they want me to do with it.

Having said that, if you gave them rather than loaning them, they are strictly hers now to do what she wants with. Irritating as her choice may be!

Original poster
travellerist · 29/04/2020 14:27

Mummyshark2018 Yeah I think the fact it was plastered on my FB feed that irritated me the most.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 29/04/2020 14:30

I think it all depends on how long they’ve had it to be honest.
A week - yeah that’s cheeky.
2 years - not really because by that point it’s very much theirs and theirs to do what they want with. Probably had their use out of it too.

6 months I’d say is just still in the cheeky territory. Just. But then again 6 months is a long time to get use out of an item and they probably don’t want it anymore so sold it on.

Menmy3 · 29/04/2020 14:32

YANBU I gave my friend so so so much stuff and she went through what she wanted and put the rest up for sale! I haven’t given her anything since! I’ve been gifted stuff; my understanding is you pay it forward! I gift 99% of my things I’ve sold the odd few that had a gifted item in the bundle and gave by friend a share! X

TrickyKid · 29/04/2020 14:34

She's cheeky.

MyTwoLeftFeet · 29/04/2020 14:35

YANBU obviously she's legally entitled to do it but it's very cheap (unless she's generally desperate for money in which case I wouldn't begrudge her doing what she can).

I've given away some quite nice things (think a high quality chidren's bike I could have sold second hand for £100) and now I specificy that they're welcome to have it for free but they have to pass it on free when they're done with it. That way there's no confusion.

I give things away because I prefer as many people to get use out of it as possible and preferably people who wouldn't otherwise be able to afford it.

HandfulofDust · 29/04/2020 14:38

When my eldest was young I didn't have a lot of money and was gifted some really nice toys that he got years of use out of (as did my youngest even though by that time I could have afforded to buy more). I recently gifted a lot of to someone else. I don't live anywhere near the person who gifted it to me and she isn't on Facebook so would never know but it's the right thing to do to pay it forward.

HandfulofDust · 29/04/2020 14:41

Although some people are just ridiculous cheap skates. I know someone who assiduously organises her children's old Boden clothes and expensive toys to sell. She is incredibly rich - lives in a mansion and has 2 luxury cars just for herself (her husband has his own cars and they have a family car too). Why she can't just donate them (or sell then donate the money) I don't know. Obviously she's absolutely entitled to do what she wants with her own posessions but I do think it's cheap as hell.

DandelionsAndDaisies1 · 29/04/2020 14:53

I’d just comment saying ‘if you don’t want it any more, could I please have it back? Will save for potential second baby’

ScarfLadysBag · 29/04/2020 14:57

Yes I think it's cheeky. I'd send her a message and say 'Ooh saw you don't need X any more. Can I have them back, please? I want to pass them on to another friend who would make good use of them. Hope X enjoyed them!'

CycleWoman · 29/04/2020 14:57

I learned my lesson here after donating someone a very pricey baby carrier. I told her if she didn’t get use out of it to give it back so I could pass it on to another person who might. Never heard anything from her and assumed she’d used it. Later found out she didn’t like it and gave it to someone else!

From now on I just pass on stuff I don’t care about!

LolaSmiles · 29/04/2020 14:59

She's well within her rights to, but to me it's really cheeky to sell things that were passed to you for free.

Mintjulia · 29/04/2020 15:02

Has she been made redundant? Furloughed?

These are difficult times.You may not know her full circumstances, I’d give her the benefit of the doubt at the moment....

1555CC · 29/04/2020 15:08

I generally work off the rule that if I bought the item then I may choose to sell it in the future (although for most DC toys/clothes I donate them). If someone hands down/gifts me items then once I have gotten use out of it I pay that generosity forward and usually donate to charity or other friends.

That's a very nice rule. But you have no right to impose your rules on other people.

Etinox · 29/04/2020 15:12

It's a bit trashy of her. But as pp have said, she/they might have lost their jobs so I'd leave it. In normal times I'd message her as @ScarfLadysBag suggests.

MyTwoLeftFeet · 29/04/2020 15:13

That's a very nice rule. But you have no right to impose your rules on other people.

Actually you can. You can ask them to gift it for free after they're done or just not gift stuff to them anymore. Give it to the charity shop instead.

CecilyP · 29/04/2020 15:13

I’d be annoyed as it is so soon after you gifted the items and he DC could be enjoying them which is what you intended. With a bigger time lag and her D.C. had grown out of the things and they are still in good condition, then it is up to her what she does with them.