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AIBU?

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Original poster

Me or him?!

57 replies

highlyunreasonable · 29/04/2020 00:43

I'm currently working from home, work today in particular has been really busy. OH is furloughed but on full pay so is effectively at home with nothing to do.
He's fab at having fun with the kids, but when it comes to anything adult I'm realising - not so much.
I've ended up completely flipping out at him as, after a full day of me trying to help the kids with their school work and do my own work, he'd still failed to do the 2 little things I'd asked him to do (put some washing away and clean the bathroom) I'd asked yesterday but it didn't happen, and again today but when I finished working at 5.30 there was a pile of washing up from lunch, 2 hungry kids asking what was for tea, a filthy bathroom and a massive pile of washed and dried laundry still to put away. I absolutely lost my shit with him (away from the kids) called him all the names under the sun and called him out on his laziness. Today he'd played footy with the kids and helped youngest with maths this morning. Other than that he'd sat on the sofa all day.
Since my flip he's been acting like Cinderella. He's cleaned every surface in the house, washed, dried but has been in a huge silk the whole time. He's not spoken to me or the kids. They asked if he wanted to come watch tv tonight and his response was "no, I've got too many jobs to do" 🤔
It's now twenty to one in the morning and I'm in bed but he's still stomping around downstairs 'tidying' .... am I being unreasonable here? Should I go invite him up to bed? Feels like he's trying to make me feel bad which I sort of do but also sort of don't 🤣

OP posts:
Bringmewineandcake · 29/04/2020 01:07

Nah leave him to it...at least you'll be getting up to a clean house in the morning Grin

Disquieted1 · 29/04/2020 01:14

You come across as a bully.
Maybe it's just your style of writing.

LeopardPrintTits · 29/04/2020 01:19

I think you are both being unreasonable. You need to sit down and work out what jobs you’re each going to do and share the workload, but remember that the house probably won’t be completely immaculate for a while because everyone’s at home all day.

Sunnyjac · 29/04/2020 02:08

Why are you trying to teach the kids and do your work when he’s not working? He should be doing that as well as a bit of cleaning and tidying each day once the home schooling is done. You should only be doing little bits here and there and helping with clearing up tea and putting the kids to bed, if that’s necessary. You need to discuss this with him. He’s not on holiday!

Wer2Next · 29/04/2020 06:13

The cinderella comment made me Grin

Leave him to it

KatherineJaneway · 29/04/2020 06:15

Let him stomp away.

Limpshade · 29/04/2020 06:46

Another one who doesn't understand why you're the one helping the kids with their school work. You should be working in your own space away from the family and letting him get on with it!

snappychat · 29/04/2020 06:57

”no, I've got too many jobs to do" made me 😆

Definitely let him get on with it, maybe next time you ask him to do something you won’t have to ask multiple times

Mummyoflittledragon · 29/04/2020 07:07

He sounds like a massive child, who doesn’t like being called out on his crappy behaviour. Fancy ignoring your children because your partner has chewed your ear off for not pulling your weight.

Bloatedandconfused · 29/04/2020 07:12

He's behaving childishly. Not ok.
You called him every name under the sun? Definitely not ok.
You're both in the wrong.

FOJN · 29/04/2020 07:14

Leave him to it. You asked him twice to do something and not only did he not do it he left more mess and now he's passively aggressively cleaning and wouldn't watch TV with the children because he's sulking.
A reasonable adult would get on with what needed to be done and not make a big deal out of it. Do not feel bad for having boundaries he's a grown up so he can come to bed when he's ready, it's a bit immature to be cleaning at 1am to prove a point. Ignore his strop and hope that him stepping up will be the new normal.
As for you sounding like a bullyHmm

rosegoldivy · 29/04/2020 07:19

Hahaha yup another vote to leave him to get on with it and enjoy your nice sparkling clean house. So you may have over reacted (who hasn't blown their top once in a while) it clearly has given him the kick up the arse to charge on with housework.

Obviously be prepared to have a ceremony of Olympic standards to present him a medal for doing it though 😂

justanotherneighinparadise · 29/04/2020 07:23

🤭

HowFurloughCanYouGo · 29/04/2020 07:27

What a complete child.

You do not come across as a bully, you come across as someone who is utterly infuriated with a man-child.

And he's STILL acting like a child. How pathetic.
Leave him to it.

MangoBiscuit · 29/04/2020 07:30

OP, please come back and tell us how clean your house is this morning...

Ywbu to call him names, and you need to apologise for that. That said, he's been a massive child about it. I get the need for the odd lazy day, but expecting your partner, who is working FT, to pick up your slack, when you're not working yourself, is so bloody selfish and disrespectful.

Like a PP said, you need to have a proper talk about it, and both set out your expectations.

Sorocknroll · 29/04/2020 07:31

OP... fwiw I dont think you are a bully. I would have lost it with dh if he had been that much of a useless dick.

And as for the passive aggressive attitude.... cutting nose off to spite face much?

My dh does small cleaning without prompt but does need to be asked to do big cleaning but it was like that when I first met him. I blitzed his flat as he hadnt cleaned behind cupboards or under the bed in years.... but I know that about him and fine cause he can cook and work a washing machine

BarbaraofSeville · 29/04/2020 07:31

You come across as a bully

Eh? No wonder the OP flipped. She's working and he's not. Surely the obvious thing that he would be doing would be looking after the DC, supervising school work, cooking for everyone and doing some housework if the DC are not babies, while the OP is working and he should have realised this on day 1, which was probably weeks ago.

Instead it sounds like the OP has been trying to do everything while he does fuck all apart from being fun dad and then passively aggressively cleaning when called out on it?

OP, obviously a father of school age DC shouldn't need to have basic adulting spelt out to him, but how about trying to agree a daily schedule for him and DC during your working hours and see if he can get on with it? Make sure he takes them out of the house everyday too, and they all have a tidy up session before you finish for the day.

HugeAckmansWife · 29/04/2020 07:38

There are many posts on here from women complaining that their DHs are Wfh and closeted away all day refusing to help at all. The responses are often 'but he's working, you should be doing everything house / child related'. He should not need to be told to clean the bathroom or put the washing away.. Does he not have eyes? Completely agree that you should be away from the kids during your working hours and all homeschooling and generally keeping on top of stuff should be down to him. Depending on your hours, you could make tea or yours and DHs dinner, or clean up afterwards, maybe unload the dishwasher in the morning or stick a wash on, hang it out at lunch but he is stropping like a child and that 100% puts him in the wrong. A sit down is needed to address this directly rather than daily back and forth over individual tasks.

MoanyAnna · 29/04/2020 07:44

Honestly . Leave him to it. You were not BU. Now he is being ridiculous and it will teach him how all the little jobs add up to a lot of time out if one's day.

ponchek · 29/04/2020 07:44

😂😂😂👌

A perfect response to your reprimand!! That's what he was supposed to do, wasn't it?! ☺️

He'll get over it 🙂

Seriously though, I'd probably say sorry for getting so het up, and can we do a sort of roster or something, maybe including the kids helping, and make it fun/nice?

HugeAckmansWife · 29/04/2020 07:51

Will the roster include him doing some of her work? I do think the kids bring home increases the mess.. My floor is a carpet of lego that usually gets cleared up every night but I'm leaving it, as well as painting, craft stuff etc because the kids will want it again the next day but keeping on top of normal cleaning and laundry shouldn't be a big ask.

Splitsunrise · 29/04/2020 07:53

What a man child! And don’t keep helping your kids with school stuff during your working day, he needs to be doing all of that!

Ladyglitterfairydust · 29/04/2020 07:55

Smile Good, leave him to it. He’s a lazy arse who needs to do far more.

MrSheenandMe · 29/04/2020 08:04

And if you were a SAHM and DH was working would you be happy with being spoken to about your housework like that?

Husband comes home to wife who has been with the kids all day and nags that she hasn't done the list of jobs he has given her then screams at her calling her "every name under the son" - she'd be told to leave him.

Talk like adults. Agree what needs to be done. Compromise on standards, spend time with the kids.

Meadows20 · 29/04/2020 08:17

@MrSheenandMe - to be fair, she did ask him...twice...if he would do those things and he didn't.

The difference is most (not all) SAHP (see that there-inclusivity!) wouldn't need asking in the first place...this isn't really a gender issue, this is a responsibility issue. If my other half is working all day and I'm not, then I expected him to do all the housework on top, I'd expect to be called out.

OP, sit down and explain your frustration today. I had a similar meltdown over the weekend and once I calmed down, I explained that it was the thinking for two that I found exhausting more than anything else. You've got enough jobs to do yourself without micro-managing a grown adult.

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