Me or him?!

[highlyunreasonable]

I'm currently working from home, work today in particular has been really busy. OH is furloughed but on full pay so is effectively at home with nothing to do.
He's fab at having fun with the kids, but when it comes to anything adult I'm realising - not so much.
I've ended up completely flipping out at him as, after a full day of me trying to help the kids with their school work and do my own work, he'd still failed to do the 2 little things I'd asked him to do (put some washing away and clean the bathroom) I'd asked yesterday but it didn't happen, and again today but when I finished working at 5.30 there was a pile of washing up from lunch, 2 hungry kids asking what was for tea, a filthy bathroom and a massive pile of washed and dried laundry still to put away. I absolutely lost my shit with him (away from the kids) called him all the names under the sun and called him out on his laziness. Today he'd played footy with the kids and helped youngest with maths this morning. Other than that he'd sat on the sofa all day.
Since my flip he's been acting like Cinderella. He's cleaned every surface in the house, washed, dried but has been in a huge silk the whole time. He's not spoken to me or the kids. They asked if he wanted to come watch tv tonight and his response was "no, I've got too many jobs to do" 🤔
It's now twenty to one in the morning and I'm in bed but he's still stomping around downstairs 'tidying' .... am I being unreasonable here? Should I go invite him up to bed? Feels like he's trying to make me feel bad which I sort of do but also sort of don't 🤣

He is trying to get a rise out of you. Leave Kevin the Teenager to his slamming and huffing.

It was weird for you to have given him little jobs to do. As you saw after you told him off, he has eyes and a brain to work out what chores need doing. You doling out the jobs in the first place shows that you both feel that the housework is "owned" by you which inevitably leads to him now being pissed off at having to do "your" work.

Don't react to his childish strop. Totally grey rock it like it didn't even happen. Don't let your children see that such strops are a successful tactic to get out of jobs. Not a good life lesson. Show the children that mummy does not cave to tantrums and whine-a-thons.

He is being unreasonable. When you are both working you should both take on an equal amount of the housework. When you're working and he's furloughed on full pay he should be doing all of it without needing to be told.

He's acting like a child by sulking, but whatever, if he's doing the cleaning then let him get on with it. Better he sulks and cleans than sulks and sits on the sofa.

Passive aggressive cleaning is still cleaning, I'd leave him to it. Your house will be lovely in the morning!

I absolutely lost my shit with him (away from the kids) called him all the names under the sun

Whatever the rights and wrongs, what you're describing here is abuse.

No-one deserves to be screamed and sworn at over perceived domestic failings, man or woman.

He sounds like a Disney dad. Wants to do all the fun stuff but not any of the work.

I would apologise for the way you spoke to him but not necessarily what you actually said. It sounds like you need a calm adult conversation about who is responsible for doing what.

Husband comes home to wife who has been with the kids all day and nags that she hasn't done the list of jobs he has given her then screams at her calling her "every name under the son" - she'd be told to leave him.

But he hasn't been with the kids all day, the OP has. If he'd been battling home education and keeping the kids entertained and happy, I'm sure the OP would have been happy to share out the remaining jobs, but he hasn't been doing all the parenting, he hasn't been pulling his weight in the house and he's got no excuse for failing to contribute.

It sounds like he gets what you're saying (and accepts he could be doing more) but is upset about how you reacted.
You were NBU to be annoyed, but how you delivered your annoyance was unreasonable and you should apologise. He will probably then also say sorry for being lazy and unhelpful. But you should be apologising first - he is fixing his mistake. Your turn.

So she/he deserves a mouthful of abuse, then SmallChickBilly?

It's alright to flip out, scream and swear if you think your other half hasn't done enough housework?

Exactly, theclangersbigplan. He's not pulled his weight but the OP's response to that, by her own account, was abusive.

Is it any surprise that it's not had the effect that the OP wanted?

He is trying to teach you not to call him on his laziness or he will stomp and sulk and next time you will just do everything yourself as usual because having a vag makes you so much better at housework, whilst dicks get to lie on the sofa and have snacks brought to them. I would go raging down the stairs and enlighten him.

I would go raging down the stairs and enlighten him.

This is abuse.

OFGS! One row with her lazy-arse husband and its abusive? Give me strength!

So she should just accept being ignored and treated like a drudge should she?

I absolutely lost my shit with him (away from the kids) called him all the names under the sun

This isn't describing an argument. It's describing a prolonged verbal attack with multiple insults.

thedancingbear

It is not abuse. You are trivialising the meaning. Especially when real abuse has ramped up so much during this lockdown

Why is it not abuse?

'I failed to take the bins out and do the dishes yesterday. My Husband absolutely lost my shit with [me] (away from the kids) and called [me] all the names under the sun'

Would yield a response of 'massive red flags', LTB etc. No-one would be saying 'maybe you should buck up your ideas around the house', would they?

I don't think your reaction was bullying or abusive, it was the reaction of an exhausted and frustrated person who is sick of having to be the grownup whilst her partner fucks around playing and ignoring all the responsibilities they have.

Let him sulk. Sulking to me has always been a passive-aggressive technique used to manipulate the person being sulked at. A pressure to make them say 'I didn't mean it' even though they did mean it and it had to be said. Don't be manipulated, he damn well knows he's in the wrong - hence the sulk.

If he's any sense he'll up his game and stop treating it like a holiday and start pulling his weight.

Would yield a response of 'massive red flags', LTB etc. No-one would be saying 'maybe you should buck up your ideas around the house', would they?

I would! If the it was the last straw and you were being lazy, absolutely!
If you were being berated daily for no reason, totally different scenario

It’s done now, so thank him for doing it and say you wouldn’t have gotten into so much of a stress if he has just done little bits each day. You don’t expect him to clean the whole house but if there are a couple of jobs that need doing he should do those.

So she/he deserves a mouthful of abuse, then SmallChickBilly?

It's alright to flip out, scream and swear if you think your other half hasn't done enough housework?

I can't see where the OP said that her 'calling him out' involved any of those things so there's no reason to think that she abused, swore or screamed at him. I'm only commenting on the false equivalency of the post I quoted.

She says it here:

I absolutely lost my shit with him (away from the kids) called him all the names under the sun

How is this not a description of abuse? If a man does this to a woman, it is undeniably abusive. Why is it different when the boot is on the other foot?

It may well be that he is a lazy arse around the house, but this is a fucking shit way of addressing it. Would you change your behaviour because your OH had given you a massive mouthful? Or would you go into a bit of a strop?

I absolutely lost my shit with him (away from the kids) called him all the names under the sun

Well that could mean anything at all so it's only some people's interpretation that it's 'abusive'.

Sounds more like the sheer frustration of a woman who has been spinning several plates for weeks while he's been mostly parked on the sofa.

Sounds more like the sheer frustration of a woman who has been spinning several plates for weeks while he's been mostly parked on the sofa.

This. Are all the people describing this as abuse very sure that they are calm and measured at all times and have never lost their temper with someone who has been completely taking the piss and not pulling their weight?

I don't think it's helpful to call it abusive behaviour. I understand why she lost it. But it is something she should be apologising for in order to make amends with her partner and move on.

Calling someone 'every name under the sun' is pretty much the definition of verbal abuse. How do you understand the expression?

If it's a one-off tirade it's not the end of the world, and the DH sounds like a massive lazy-arse, which is shit too. But going in with verbal abuse rarely gets the desired result - it just escalates things.