To feel sad the way my life has turned out..

[roseyyy]

On paper it's not horrific but it's not the life that I thought I would have. My biggest problem is that I'm massively hindered in life due to social anxiety. It's affected so many areas.

I can't progress from nmw jobs. I'm always skint but get by. We live in a house too small for the 5 of us. I am too nervous to attend interviews and if I do then I mess up because I don't know what to say. I can't think of anything. The sad thing was I was bright at school and worked hard but think maybe I should have just smoked weed and messed about! I would've had fun at least!

It's not just the money. I have no Friends. When people try to be friendly I shy away and nothing comes of it and they move on. I just don't know how to make friends. It's utterly shameful.

I've been bullied at work because I don't speak / defend myself. I'm an easy target. It's a wonder I wasn't bullied as a child. I was horrifically quiet in childhood. I don't think I was normal. I don't think I am now tbh.

Im nearly 40 and I want to give up. I need a new normal. Just accepting that I'll never have a good job, have no friends, be lonely and probably die alone with noone attending my funeral.

Sorry you are having a tough time

I don't want this to be ignored - I can relate to a lot of what you say. I hope you get a lot of positive responses to this - (I am WFH so am not really supposed to be MNing!!)

I have had very similar thoughts to you - and still do. I have managed to find a way of accepting them - and I have tried to look for the positives in what I have - and try not to compare myself to others.

You’re in my 40 years old. It’s not to late for a new start. At 33 I gained a BSc in Computing and now at 52 I’m started a new career in finance because I suddenly found me in a situation I never thought would happen to me. I’ve no choice. I wish I was 40 again.

**You are only 40 years old.

@roseyyy you can turn this around.

It's a cliche i know but is there any chance that you might be 'on the spectrum' (sorry i hope that doesn't sound insensitive but extreme shyness in girls is sometimes associated with autism).

Are you able to look at self help books or access CBT?

What are sort of things that you find easy and don't worry about?

I always find practicing gratitude helps me feel better. And doing a couple of things that I enjoy each day. That's hard as a mum during lockdown.

What sort of friendships would you like? Many of the friendship groups i know are actually very dysfunctional. I wouldn't like to be part of that. Try not to see yourself as someone that stuff happens to but choose how you respond to life's inevitable challenges.

What's your husband like? And your kids?

I understand this. I wasted lots of time in my twenties due to lack of confidence, social anxiety and - totally down to me - lack of focus and no real ambition. Throw into the mix an eating disorder, PND, marriage breakdown.

I just drifted and now I'm very envious of people my age who have well paid jobs and good careers, high earners. But it is my past, I just have to accept it in order to try to be happy.

No real advice I'm afraid, but there are lots of people who feel like you.

That is very true. You are never too old to do something new. I also feel really strongly that people shouldn't be defined by what they do for a job. Unfortunately a lot of people do define people by that.

The social side is much harder but it takes brave steps to overcome that

There’s a few things you can do OP.

Check if there is any missed diagnosis for ASD or similar. Lots of women our age have lived with ASD unknowingly. And it’s affected their social growth and understanding of themselves terribly over the years. I’m not in any way sure that’s an issue for you but could it be? Have a read and see if anything jumps out at you. If it does, see if you can get tested.

Get some help with the anxiety element. Counselling, medication, mindfulness practice at home specifically working on anxiety etc. So speak to your GP and insist on some help. You are REALLY not alone in suffering here.

Make some lifestyle changes. Find 1 hobby. Something you can feel comfortable with on your own and as your confidence grows, find the community associated with it. Cooking, baking, any sport, yoga, gardening, craft of any sort, adult colouring even!. Once you feel ready, there are communities on Facebook for EVERYTHING. You can practice friendship there very low risk. And later when restrictions lift, you might be ready to find locally your interest group.

You’re really not alone. And there’s loads of people out there who could really do with your friendship. You just need to find one of them.

As someone who suffered extreme shyness as a child and teenager, l can tell you that you can choose to change things anytime you want to......really , sometimes you just have to get out of your own head and do things that are excrutiating and shrug if they go wrong....then prepare better next time.
Of course you can progress from crappy low paid jobs, you know that you are bright...
Prepare for interviews by lots of role play with family, do presentations, recite poems, ask them to throw questions at you, do it repeatedly until it becomes normal.

Once lockdown eases do this with friends, then friends family members who you don't know well.
Be fully prepared to be a disaster, and most importantly accept that is ok.Aim to be a bit better next time.
Additionally ask everyone you know what, they would advise honestly if you were an employee going for a promotion, take the feedback, encourage total honesty and you will see where you are actually interacting better than you think and where you are poor.
Work on the weakness areas. Repeat.

Don't expect it to be painless but do it anyway, and keep doing it until you know you can and have improved your social skills.

Change your attitude from 'I can't progress from my NMW job' to' of course l can improve my job situation if l apply myself.'
Not making friends is not 'shameful' making and maintaining friends is a skill like any other...
Practice speaking up in the mirror before work, practice saying the things that will make those bullying you back off.

You feel life has little meaning, well you have Dc so you have be here for them, so what do you have to lose by acting differently. Sometimes feeling rock bottom is a catalyst to change as what do you have to lose, you are feeling miserable already!
Many of us will never be entirely at ease in some social settings but learn the skills to present yourself well in work situation and to get along and communicate with colleages ....then go out and get your better job...

Well, firstly it’s never too late to make new friends, and 40 is definitely not too late to shake up your job etc.

Regarding your anxiety, I always recommend a book by Claire Weekes, Self Help for your Nerves. It’s old, but it’s brilliant. I also recommend her audio book Hope and Help for your Nerves (it’s on audible). Again it’s old (she refers to it as a ‘record’) but it’s fantastic. I listen to it a lot.

I’m not saying that will cure your anxiety but it’s something that’s helped me enormously and that you could order/download today to give yourself some help and comfort. It’s not specifically about social anxiety but does deal with agoraphobia and I think it could help with any anxiety disorder.

I know what you mean about friends. I’m very good at making friends but rarely take friendships to the next level, and let them drift. I tend to feel I’m imposing on people even when they clearly like me. I’m also very introverted and can easily feel I don’t ‘need’ friends. Take it gently is my advice, it’s better to have one or two people you genuinely get on with, even if you’re not super close, than to try to have friends for the sake of it.

Maybe you should take some time to think about what job/career/training you’d like to do. You could even get some life coaching or counselling to help. I found doing a Myers Briggs test revealing about my attitude to work/career - it might give you some insight.

I agree with IamMars that gratitude helps. And that doesn’t mean you can’t be sad or anything, it’s just finding a few things each day to be grateful for, like the sun shining, having clean bedclothes, enjoying a tv programme - anything really.

I feel the same - nearly 40 and no friends. I don't have a bad job but I don't feel like I'm achieving my potential. I have a young daughter and feel like I'm not the role model she deserves. I know I'm not young but I'm not old and I need to kick myself up the backside and change my life... I just don't know how or where to start

I didn’t really start to make good friends until I was in my mid 40s. It’s never too late

I think what helped was working out what my friendship style is. I’m
Much happier in a one on one situation and so I have more success in making friends that way. It makes me happy in a way that nights out with a big group never will
The other thing I’ve done is really make an effort to chat to everyone at work but not expect anything back other than a little chat from time to time. And it has stayed that way for 99 percent of my colleagues. But one has turned into a friend. And as for the others, it’s good social practice for me.

I also haven’t achieved anywhere near my potential workwise but I’ve come to terms with that. The trade off is my lovely family.
I remind myself that no ones life is all that they want it to be, focus on the good things and remember that the bad stuff is there to make me appreciate the good stuff

Also lockdown will be messing with your head and making you feel worse. . It’s tough

Don’t be too hard on yourself. Many friendship groups can be quite toxic behind the smiles and selfies. As others have said, you need to find a hobby to immerse yourself in. Take care.

Hi op.
You're not alone, although it may feel like it.
I'm 46 and only have 1 real friend but even then I only see her maybe 3 or 4 times a year.
When I was younger in my 20s I had lots of friends, and had a very busy social life. Since having children I gradually lost touch with people, that was down to me not taking up social invites etc. Apart from family occasions (not now obviously) I never go out. It doesn't bother me as I no longer drink but I worry about what other people think, if that makes sense?
I became a SAHM when our DS was born, he's 12 now. The friends you're supposed to make at baby groups and in the schoolyard never happened for me, I'm quiet until I get to know anyone and could never think of anything to say.

No advice but just to say go easy on yourself and be kind to yourself x

I knew there would be multiple posts suggesting ASD. I swear when someone has an unusual personality people on here always think it's either ASD or dementia. It's social anxiety.

Is there anything you enjoy OP?

Hi roseyyy, I am sorry you're feeling this way. One word jumped out from your post to me: 'shameful'. Shame is such a difficult emotion to deal with. I see nothing shameful in what you've written. I see a person in pain who is reaching out to people for understanding and help. That's courage. Brene Brown is good on shame - I will have a think and try to look for other things too if it might be helpful.

I honestly think more people feel like this than any of us realise. I expect that many of the people you might look at and think "you've got it all sorted" have similar feelings to yours all the time.

Interviews are something you get better at with practise and are even easier right now because most are being conducted over the phone. Phone interviews allow you to stay in your pyjamas and pull panicked faces with no one else being able to see you :)

But I agree with others. It starts by being kinder to yourself. By all means try to improve things you think you could be better at but try to make sure the drive for improveent comes from a place of love and not disappointment. You are worth the effort, but that's not the same as being broken, iyswim.

Have you tried hypnotherapy OP?

@DragonGirl10 and @Niteflights are both really good posts.

I suffered from selective mutism all through my childhood. The cure for me? A nervous breakdown when I left home to start University. I was suicidal and it was an horrific time of my life, but I got through it and the scales fell from my eyes. I realised that, really, no one gives a shit, no one is looking at you, no one is laughing at you. Everyone else is in their own little bubble. My counsellor at the time did say I was 'lucky' to be going through it at such a young age, because she said she counselled loads of people in their forties who were only just realising what I was realising at age 18.

It still took me a long time to learn how to make friends, because I'd not learned all through childhood. It took until I was in my mid-30s before I cracked the friendship thing. I still don't have many friends, mainly because I'm totally snowed under with work, and have a very large, close knit family, so seeing them takes a lot of time, but I know I could make more friends easily now if I wanted to.

And I really echo DragonGirl10's post - you've got to 'feel the fear and do it anyway'. I made a conscious decision to go into teaching partly because I wanted to prove to myself that I could do a talking based job - it's been beyond terrifying and still is at times, but I am a very successful teacher now. I regret my career choice because of the workloads, but I don't regret the sheer terror that I've felt so many times when I've been stood in front of a class of 30 kids, who ARE looking at you and ARE out to make fun (some kids/classes). You've got to go through that feeling of utter terror to get out the other side, and realise that, yes, I might make myself look like an idiot, but so what, no one dies as a result.

Hey OP, I'm very much like you, anxiety with OCD and trauma here. Are you on any medication for your social anxiety? There's anti-depressants, but there's also a non-psychiatric medication called propranolol which decreases the physical manifestations of anxiety (sweating, shaking hands, fluttering heart) so you can feel more relaxed. I'd also seek some therapy if you can. You can even practice mindfulness at home if you're on a budget - the Headspace app is great.

Roseyyy, we're all individuals and there is no 'normal'. As others have said, a way out of your darkness might be finding a hobby or an interest and taking it from there. I originally met a number of my own FB friends on a Leonard Cohen forum. That was probably around 8 years ago. I've since met a few of them in 'real life' and as well as all the day-to-day stuff that people post on FB, it feels like having a support group for when times are emotionally bad.
If it helps, when it comes to interviews, think of yourself as an actress putting on a performance. Many people who are seemingly confident and extroverted are really only wearing a mask.

OP I feel your anguish. I tried very hard at school.. stressed about my GCSE's like it was the end of the world.. got some decent grades then went to sixth form and university (even though I didn't really want to).
I've gone from horrible job, to horrible job. Factory work, cleaning and now retail.. I've watched my school friends go onto getting careers and full time work. I don't get it.. I can only get 20hr contracts.
I don't know why I bothered trying so hard during school.. I could've been having fun like everyone else!
My anxiety has stopped me from doing my best at interviews and I have stopped applying for jobs.. 150 applications with minimal responses has completely shattered my confidence!

I feel like I'm doomed to be in awful jobs forever now, especially as I'm pregnant and childcare is going to be an issue once my maternity is over

Well normal is subjective, everyone would tell you normal was something different.

In school I was bullied terribly because I barely spoke so yes easy target I guess, as the girls got older it got worse to the point one of them broke my arm deliberately.

Now I’m an adult I do answer people back, I am never horrible first but if someone is nasty then I speak up now. I don’t find it easy, inside I am scared but I refuse to treated badly now. Basically you have to feel scared but stand up for yourself anyway!

Interviews I think even the most confident person gets a touch nervous and the only way you get better at them is by attending more. Also with many companies if you google interview questions for x company which can help to give you an idea of what they might ask. If you give up trying your never get anywhere

Your GP may be able to prescribe something for anxiety which may help you feel calmer about interviews