To feel sad the way my life has turned out..

[roseyyy]

On paper it's not horrific but it's not the life that I thought I would have. My biggest problem is that I'm massively hindered in life due to social anxiety. It's affected so many areas.

I can't progress from nmw jobs. I'm always skint but get by. We live in a house too small for the 5 of us. I am too nervous to attend interviews and if I do then I mess up because I don't know what to say. I can't think of anything. The sad thing was I was bright at school and worked hard but think maybe I should have just smoked weed and messed about! I would've had fun at least!

It's not just the money. I have no Friends. When people try to be friendly I shy away and nothing comes of it and they move on. I just don't know how to make friends. It's utterly shameful.

I've been bullied at work because I don't speak / defend myself. I'm an easy target. It's a wonder I wasn't bullied as a child. I was horrifically quiet in childhood. I don't think I was normal. I don't think I am now tbh.

Im nearly 40 and I want to give up. I need a new normal. Just accepting that I'll never have a good job, have no friends, be lonely and probably die alone with noone attending my funeral.

I can relate to your post too OP, whether its shyness, aspergers or social anxiety or a combination of them all, whatever it is its really difficult.

I used to force myself to be more chatty in my job and at social events, but then when I'd go home, I would be so exhausted and emotional from the effort of forcing myself to fit in and push myself out of my comfort zone, its really tough.

In a way, the thing I've found most helpful is to just accept myself as I am, and if people like me for that then that's great and if not, then its better than pretending to be more confident that I am to get people to want to be friends with me. I understand though, I do still sometimes wish I could just make friends easily and keep them, so they become meaningful friendships rather than acquaintances.

I feel like this I am 42 and feel clapped out and I struggle to get out of bed before 12 noon these days. There are over 40s friendship groups around and I've noticed at family-gatherings I get on better with people my own age than the older babyboomer generation who I have less in common with.

When I was younger I used to get songs in my head that would help my motovation like the football song 'I get knocked down but I get up again you're never going to keep me down' or 'Over and Over' by Madonna.

I think the most important message you can take from previous posters who have been there is:

"You can change this if you want to".

Get out of your bubble. Start experiencing things you never usually would, read book you wouldn't usually read, watch tv programmes or documentaries on topics you wouldn't usually find interesting.

You need to stop doing whatever you currently are doing and find something bigger than yourself to find inspiration and motivation.

Look at Kain Ramsey's courses on Udemy, especially the CBT one - it's excellent (this is for everyone who's posted who feels the same as the OP).

@astuz are you able to share any of the things you do in order to make friends?

@roseyyy it's not shameful at all. Please read your post again as though someone else had written it - what would you say to that person? Please extend the same compassion to yourself as to would someone else. Have you spoken to your GP about your issues? Try not to tackle too many things in one go, it won't be an overnight change, but please do know that you're not one and many people find themselves feeling like this at one time or another. No one ever has life sewn up, we're all learning and evolving and circumstances change, even for those people who look like they have everything worked out.

You sound so down, but there is help out there for anxiety - it is a medical condition and not a failing in you, and a long running one from what you say. Not every kind of treatment will work, but there will be something, which might be all it takes to help you engage with the world as you'd like to. Even if all it does is take the edge off of it you can find a way to live with anxiety, even if it's a different sort of life than the one you envisage, which is pretty much where i'm at with it. I have no pretence at being 'normal', whatever that may be, and although my life may seem odd to those outside of it, i've found a kind of balance that works for me.

You're going to have to tackle your anxiety OP, it's severely holding you back in every aspect of your life so there's no way around it. You'll have to accept life like this or push through it.

On the subject of interviews - I used to be rubbish at those because my brain goes completely blank when I'm nervous, which means I literally couldn't speak because there was nothing in my brain to say!

I learned that if I prepared for interviews just as I would for a written exam (I'm really good at written exams), then I was OK. I write down every single question that I can possibly think of that I might get asked - I have a book to help me, but can't remember author or title off the top of my head, but there's probably loads of similar books anyway. I will probably write out about a 100 questions, then I write out my answers, then I revise them, just as I would for a test, and Voila!, my mind doesn't go blank!

The book I use also talks about having a 30 word statement that is your unique selling point, then if in doubt about a question, just trot out the 30 word statement - candidates on 'The Apprentice' do this a lot. Also, politicians - they clearly have a soundbite they want to get across and if in doubt about how to answer a Q, they just trot out that soundbite.

I was brought up to only speak when spoken to and asking questions was being nosy. This made me extremely shy and followed me through my life until I was 40 and my marriage broke up. That was a trigger to sort myself out.
If you don’t know what to say to someone, ask a question. Even if you already know the answer. And ask more questions. If they ask you questions don’t spend too long in the answer and then ask another question back. Most people like to talk about themselves and the more you learn about them then the easier conversations/ friendship will be.
I’m sure if you could build your confidence up with people you meet, then you will realise you are more than able to look at other jobs and get through the interviews.
Good luck.

I think your post is the start of feeling much, much better. The great news is that a new normal is coming. And at 40 you have so much life ahead to really enjoy it!

You need some proper CBT coaching to turn around your thinking and approach. There is quite a lot on YouTube as well as plenty of literature online. I would start by really getting into that and doing the work. It is all in your control and you can do it.

Separately and alongside, start thinking about a few goals. Don’t tell people at this stage, just write them down - however outlandish they feel. Then start thinking about the paths to them from here. Don’t give up. Imagine the paths for someone/anyone from your current situation to those goals. Ignore any sabotaging thoughts, just let the ideas settle and cohere as you do the CBT.

Good luck. A really fantastic life is waiting for you if you do the work. 😊

Please be kind to yourself OP. Making close friends as an adult is hard - and ten times more difficult when you have social anxiety. There’s nothing ‘shameful’ about finding it hard to make friends.
I think a pp already asked earlier - what kind of things do you enjoy doing? Or what do you think you would enjoy that you haven’t tried? What do you think you’re good at - or what would you like to be good at?
I would completely shift the focus from making friends and feeling bad about your social anxiety to something positive that you can do for yourself. Learn to have fun just being you. Take the pressure off.

Interviews and small talk - memorise phrases and repeat them. Don't try to think of things to say in the moment when you're under that stress. The brain can't be creative under stress so don't try!

Practise makes perfect and also fake it til you make it.

You can change the course of your life. It's never too late.

I’m so happy to have found this post and a lot of it I can relate to word for word...

I am also going to turn 40 in a few short months, I have 3 beautiful DC a lovely rural life (which I have dreamed about since I was a child) and an amazing but DH but sometimes I feel like I’m living in a bubble I can see all these amazing things which I’m so lucky to have but I just can’t get out of myself enough to join them.

I was also very sociable to my late 20’s, active social life, lots of friends, plenty of variety to my life but I seem to be getting more insular and socially inept the older I get.

I dread the days it’s my turn for the school run, absolutely petrified of interaction with my DC friends parents, sometimes I don’t even feel up to opening the door to the postman...

I’m also not very self assured in what I say anymore, I often stumble at words and will give little laughs, sniffs or lack of eye contact and then over painfully analyse them and how weird they will have come across

Sometimes I think it’s just that I miss the anonymity of city life and lack of interest of a 1,000’ strangers walking by and not giving you a 2nd thought but mostly I worry that I appear to be slowly becoming a shadow of my former self and aren’t even really living.

Many wise words here. I especially agree with thinking about what you enjoy (you may never have found out what brings you joy) and spending more time doing that, maybe having a go at a new project. Also trying cognitive behaviour therapy (CBT), which I've found very helpful.

Best of luck with it all.

Check if there is any missed diagnosis for ASD or similar

I was going to say this. I discovered I have ADHD in my 40s.

I was also going to suggest CBT. It will enable you to tackle your social anxieties by small steps. You could try talking to your GP who may be able to refer you to a clinical psychologist.

As some other posters have mentioned 40 is not too late to turn your life around. I found myself blocked in one career path because I did not have a degree. In my mid 40s I applied to university, gained a first class degree in psychology. I then went on to do my masters and doctorate and began a second career as an academic.

Yet I failed the 11 plus and went to a secondary modern school.

You will never know what you can achieve until you try.

I was very shy as a child, even doing social distancing in a sense - used to cross the street to avoid having to talk to a neighbour. Becoming a solicitor and doing lots of public speaking etc and probably also the speech lessons and drama exams I did as a child which my parents paid for helped.

I don't really need or seek other people out and am utterly happy about that but you aren't which is interesting. i never understand why people want lots of "friends". I suppose I am just lucky not to need that. Every week someone wants to meet or do a lunch often through work (no during lock down) and I reject just about all of it.

If you did very well at school and have very high A level grades you could try to qualify into a difficult to enter profession and then pursue it without having to have much to do with other people. Quite a lot of jobs can be solitary so that even if you are useless with people you can still earn a good living if you have skills most people don't have.

By posting on here, you have taken the first step towards changing your life. You can do this.

I'm so like you. Painfully shy at school, bullied and can't get a better job than nmw, although I can't apply for certain ones like retail as I have to be sociable with customers- so I clean.

I'm nearly 28 and at times so no way out of this. I don't think its autism that you have as some have suggested on here. More lack of experience and fear getting in the way. But if you're happy, why change? If you're not happy then I do think CBT could help. You dont need to transform in to a social butterfly, but become someone that you are content with.

If you did very well at school and have very high A level grades you could try to qualify into a difficult to enter profession

Think we need to be realistic. She took the A levels how long ago? She won't still have all that knowledge. Best thing is probably a degree to demonstrate recent knowledge and maybe volunteer.

*I think the most important message you can take from previous posters who have been there is:

"You can change this if you want to".*

Surely this depends on the reasons behind the OP's problems? I've come to realised quite recently (in my 50s) that I have ASD, and one of the things that has helped me start to feel less despairing is knowing that I can't change the way I am, and trying to let go of the decades I've spent trying to be like other people.

I have gone through life underachieving in education, jobs, friendships, relationships, and failing on every measure of what is considered 'normal'. I have constantly blamed myself and then felt worse when I have tried and failed to make changes. It's been a huge help to start to accept that my brain is just wired differently.

Obviously I don't know what the root of your issues are OP, but I agree with the suggestions that it's worth looking at whether there are any other issues that go with the anxiety, so looking at info on ASD (especially as it tends to present in women), ADHD, agoraphobia, etc and see if anything rings any bells for you.

I find it incredibly hard to talk to anyone about my problems & have posted about this elsewhere on MN, but I'd still suggest that talking to someone would be helpful if you can manage it - GP, dh, counsellor, whoever is accessible and the least daunting to approach. It might also help to write down an account of how this has affected your life, whether that's just for you or to show to someone else. At least it would be a starting point to moving beyond this being your personal sadness and trying to get help/support/diagnosis of some kind.

I have no confidence in some work places but lots of confidence in others.

I’m dyslexic and the forms are in to get tested for ADHD. I have a very part time job helping people, I run the club and supervise volunteers. I’m very confident in this job, I think this is because I started as a customer, started helping people out to be friendly, became a volunteer and took the whole thing on, this took about a year. I had a chance to check out the “vibe” and what a typical customer needed and learnt by watching people with no stress. I help some “interesting “ characters and I have great support in this.

In most jobs I have no confidence. People have very high expectations and little support. I have tried to get help with my crippling anxiety around working but there’s little help out there. It’s total irony I run a Work Club.

I’m socially “interesting “ too. I’m quite “mouthy”, I come over as quite rude as I can tune out of conversations because I’ve seen a family of squirrels. I hang out with a few close people who get my world view and understand different can even be fun. I’d rather have a small, trustworthy bunch of quirky friends than a gang of mates who I’m not sure about. You don’t need a big tribe, a loving, small tribe will give you more joy.

You appear to be quiet, I recommend when lockdown is over you join any group you can. I’ve run craft groups, try them even if you don’t think you’re artistic, there’s something to do and no one cares if you have talent or not. Listen to people’s stories and you’ll be surprised at how much you have in common with a lot of people. For now use Facebook to research local groups and make new contacts.

You need to take lockdown as some time to think about and develop new talents and your confidence. Our minds are story telling machines and most of our “inner voice” are really nasty ghosts from parents and bullies, you have the right to question this nonsense, write down an answer to negative ideas you have about yourself.

List your best skills and personality traits. Anxious people are often intelligent and conscious. Do a few personality tests, the MBTI test is accurate and always positive, it helped me see my zany side as an asset (ENFP).

Bullies are awful. Turn around your thinking about them. Workplace bullies really are power mad, sad little creatures who pick on the nice people to get a seedy little high. They want to be Queen of a very small community without doing the work of being genuine, capable people. Work bullies are not worth a minute of your time.

Hopefully you’ll find yourself somewhere that fits your personality and talents. You may not make lots of money but going to work with a community you like is worth a lot.

@Thethiniceofanewday It's hard to pin point what I do, because I gradually learned all through my 20s and beyond, but if I had to pick out one thing, it would be asking questions. And I mean, I'm asking because I genuinely want to know the answer eg. I might ask after someone's Mum or whatever, but it's because I'm genuinely concerned and interested. I'm actually genuinely interested in other people now. When I was younger, I was utterly fixated on myself and always wondered why no one talked to me - it never entered my head that I never once attempted to speak to them!

I suppose realising that friendship, and all social interactions, are a two-way thing - which may sound obvious, but I honestly did not realise until I was an adult.