To feel sad the way my life has turned out..

[roseyyy]

On paper it's not horrific but it's not the life that I thought I would have. My biggest problem is that I'm massively hindered in life due to social anxiety. It's affected so many areas.

I can't progress from nmw jobs. I'm always skint but get by. We live in a house too small for the 5 of us. I am too nervous to attend interviews and if I do then I mess up because I don't know what to say. I can't think of anything. The sad thing was I was bright at school and worked hard but think maybe I should have just smoked weed and messed about! I would've had fun at least!

It's not just the money. I have no Friends. When people try to be friendly I shy away and nothing comes of it and they move on. I just don't know how to make friends. It's utterly shameful.

I've been bullied at work because I don't speak / defend myself. I'm an easy target. It's a wonder I wasn't bullied as a child. I was horrifically quiet in childhood. I don't think I was normal. I don't think I am now tbh.

Im nearly 40 and I want to give up. I need a new normal. Just accepting that I'll never have a good job, have no friends, be lonely and probably die alone with noone attending my funeral.

I think you are being quite hard on yourself TBH .Life rarely turns out as we expected, and we ask an awful lot of ourselves as well .Do you and DH go out much or have any mutual friends? What about DCs Mums do you have much in common with them ,could you see if they want to meet for a coffee maybe ? If people try to be friendly and you feel anxious ,just take a deep breath and smile (they feel nervous too I expect)! As far as work goes it is not easy to progress as there is a lot of competition and its easy to get "stuck" Can you do a degree if you have A levels (or go on to an access course ) Maybe Teaching or Nursing may appeal ?

Thanks, aztuz, that’s really interesting. I’m in the same boat as the PP who wrote “I was brought up to only speak when spoken to and asking questions was being nosy. This made me extremely shy and followed me through my life until I was 40 and my marriage broke up. That was a trigger to sort myself out.” It’s crazy how the lessons we learn as kids are so hard to shake off.

I’m really shocked reading this as it’s everything I’m feeling! You have described my life exactly. If u need to chat please message me. I’ve been really down because of all the things you’ve described also so I can understand. Believe it or not I’m actually feeling slightly kore positive as I’ve started meditating (I’ve managed to do about 10 minutes in past week but better than nothing)

I actually came off a meeting now and was feeling so anxious and worried about what I’ve said. I think there are more people like us than we realise, most people tend to hide their anxieties or social awkwardness. Do u have kids? Have you tried to arrange meet-ups with one of their friends mums? In my case I arrange a meet up and then get so anxious and feel weird as I’m not saying anything but long term the more you do things that make you anxious it will be better

I hope the encouraging replies are helpful OP. I used to feel socially awkward but always covered it up fairly well - usually by going out and getting plastered and playing being a party girl (which lead to further anxiety). So many people are not socially confident and it's easy to forget that it is a skill that needs to be practised for a lot of people. I'm much more comfortable now with myself and find talking to people so much easier now I've accepted who I am. I'm also comfortable with not having anything to say sometimes. Liking yourself doesn't seem like something you should have to learn to do, but I think it is. Meditation is definitely a good start and there a, lots of videos on YouTube and apps (it might take a, while to find one you like, so don't be put off). Also taking the time to get to know yourself from a non judging perspective can help There are some really good online resources that prompt you to answer one question about yourself each day. I find Nataly Kogan's books/online resources helpful too.

I hope you start to feel better soon, hating yourself is the worst and I hate to think of anyone feeling like they're not good enough.

Sorry I haven't replied earlier - been busy with kids. Thank you everyone for your lovely kind words. I will read them all carefully again.

For those suggesting asd or something else, I'm pretty sure that's not me. I have seen it on here suggested many times and have looked into it too.

I know the word "shameful" is a horrible way to feel about yourself but it's honestly how I have felt since a young child. Even then I was ashamed of who I was. It wasn't until I was in my teens that I began to resent myself for it. I would often cry myself to sleep for being the way I was.

I know I probably need to somehow practise being more sociable and gently getting out of my comfort zone but when I've tried, I just make such a mess of it and feel utterly humiliated and even worse than before.

The last interview I went to was awful. I did prepare lots of questions which a pp suggested but hardly anything I prepared for came up. I couldn't answer any of the questions properly and my mind went blank. I just wanted to run away. They emailed back saying that they could see that I was really nervous and that although that was to expected to some degree "it’s important to demonstrate a certain degree of confidence in your abilities and in your body language." I just look horribly nervous and that puts people off before I've even managed to speak. I still have that email!

As for CBT, the gp sent me for some sessions which were awful. Didn't help me at all. I felt worse and I do sometimes feel I'm just wired wrong.

After that towards the end of last year I wasted nearly £350 on 5 hypnotherapy sessions which did nothing but it did make me feel super relaxed after I left. He was a nice enough man and I just think it wasn't the right thing for me. He did observe that I have really suppressed my true self for such a long time that I probably don't know who I really am/ what I really like / what's my passion etc. The real roseyyy is hiding behind the anxious roseyyy and has never come out. He was spot on about that which takes me to hobbies and interests - I don't know what I like, as stupid as that sounds. I have young children so I don't really have loads of free time either and work pt.

I feel despondent, hopeless and see no worth in my life.

Who is in your family of five, OP? You mention kids. How many do you have? How old are they? Do you have a husband or partner?

It's me and dh and 3 kids.

One is a toddler and the others are primary school aged.

Well somebody chose to marry you and you have three kids who probably love you more than anyone else in the world, so that's something a lot of people don't have.

Would some counselling help?

OP I can also relate to a lot of what you’re saying. Believe me you are not alone feeling like this. A counsellor told me that I have chronic anxiety and she only met me a couple of times! But she hit the nail on the head and I believe I’ve suffered from anxiety since primary school (Only child, unconventional home life and easy target for bullies). I’ll admit I’ve not tried medication, I just battle on. It’s what I’ve always done! But yes, I also struggle to form proper friendships. But my advice is to keep trying, I’m sure you deserve a couple of nice friends! Why don’t you think about ways you could meet some people in your spare time? Depending on where you live, but why not an evening class, learn a new skill for fun or even do a course that may improve your job prospects? What about AAT accounting? Or check out a walking/rambling/book club. I met one of my friends through a language class x

I get you op...i am the same...worked hard but terrible with people so i never progress at work. I might look uo asd myself...worth considering it.

You sound really depressed TBH. It might be worth seeing your GP.

OP, I would echo you have a dh and 3 children which is something to be very proud of. That is definitely something worthwhile.

You mention shame, that often comes from messages from parental figures. How was your childhood?

It might be worth considering treatment for anxiety and depression as you do seem low.

Hi OP your post really resonated with me as I could have wrote exactly the same thing even the same age. I have always had such low self esteem and anxiety and now have absolutely no friends which makes me feel sad all the time. Like you, whenever someone does start chatting I don't know what to say and I start thinking that they must be regretting sitting next to me etc and it goes nowhere. If you or anyone else in similar situation wants to chat feel free to DM me.

What was cbt like? Why was it awful?