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AIBU?

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Original poster

Compromise or end..

73 replies

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 06:27

I've NC for this, I'm going to be very fact of matter as to try and keep it simple.

OK so A met B almost 4 yrs ago on a dating site. They live 1hr apart.
A and B hit it off straight away and have, as a whole had a fab relationship this whole time.

After about a 1.5yrs A said to B about looking at living together, both were really excited. The plan was A moved to B.
After a while B hadn't heard any more from A regarding this so B broached and long story short A decided they couldn't move to B's area.
This was a shock to B and it changed things where B now had no choice but to look at moving to where A lives.

B will have to give up a lot Inc transitioning a job which is harder than A'"s to do in a way. A also has a job that isn't easy to move which B respects. A didn't think B would be happy to do all this, never mentioned any more and things carried on as normal.
Over time A has dragged their heels with discussing so B broached again and explained the compromise and A was happy with this.
A still seems happy with this but B feels like they have to instigate pretty much all of it or A wouldn't think twice.
B got fed up of feeling like a nag and told A that until they could look like they wanted to put some effort in without B feeling like it's all them and had, had enough.

A & B now aren't talking, B has realised through this that they can't nor do they want to now live with A so if A had changed their mind/ werent sure it didn't matter anymore.

The question is does B try and fix the situation because they work so well together and potentially live apart forever or walk away.

OP posts:
Ginfordinner · 28/04/2020 06:30

Which one are you?

JazzyTheDog · 28/04/2020 06:34

It sounds like the relationship has gone as far as it can. Unfortunately due to circumstances (Like jobs and location) sometimes it won’t work out. I’d be thinking it’s time to walk away as no one sounds happy.

TheStuffWasBad · 28/04/2020 06:34

What does B want to do?

Surely op can't be A, only B has the power to decide if B fixes the situation. Unless A is someone that thinks everyone else should do the dining, in which case B should walk away.

Shitsgettingcrazy · 28/04/2020 06:34

what was the compromise?

Are there kids involved on either side? Why did A changed their mind?

These questions are relevant because if A backtracked, existing B to move kids, thats a dick move and someone I wouldnt want to be with. Also how much compromise for both was involved?

B (I assume is you) need to think if they really want to be with someone who is dragging their heels on the relationship and not communicating. A seems to make plans, change their mind and hope it goes away. Sounds like A doesnt want the same as b.

Many couples live happily separately. But not when one wants to and the other doesn't.

TheStuffWasBad · 28/04/2020 06:34

Running. Not dining.

Egghead68 · 28/04/2020 06:38

What is the compromise?

I don’t think there is the will from both sides to make this work unfortunately.

snappychat · 28/04/2020 06:42

Why don’t you move somewhere equally in the middle of where you both currently are?

Original poster
ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 06:43

Hi thanks for your replys.. Sorry if it sounds a bit robotic but I find it easier to explain the way I have.
I put A & B to see who may look like they're the one being unreasonable.
There are no children involved, no ties that's why it's so easy & fun between us.
B wouldn't have minded A changing their mind as understands their reasons but can now see A clearly isn't overly fussed without a kick up the ass (they would disagree this hence the frustration)

OP posts:
billy1966 · 28/04/2020 06:44

A isn't pushed and wants B to do the running.

Not a good start to living together.

Sure as hell wouldn't be giving up any job for A.

I think A's lack of enthusiasm is telling.

When men are really keen, you know all about it.

If I was B, I would move on and find someone who is genuinely into them.

The alternative is that B pushes to move in, then what?
Pushes to get martied?
Children?

Women are utterly wasting their time on men that need pushing like this.

You deserve someone who is gagging for you, and a life with you.

Don't settle for less.

Original poster
ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 06:46

Sorry, the compromise being B move there but A would have to move out of his house.
Neither A or B is bothered about moving half way, it wouldn't make much difference and if B moved to A it's a nice place so no query there.

OP posts:
Isleepinahedgefund · 28/04/2020 06:47

Sounds like A isn't bothered either way - if I were B I wouldn't move.

Original poster
ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 06:50

Billy thanks for your reply. A is very laid back, will admit a bit lazy in ways but v hard working & yes you're right looks like they expect B to do most of the work.
There would be no marriage or kids, both are OK with that.

OP posts:
TheStuffWasBad · 28/04/2020 06:51

I don't think either are being particularly unreasonable.

They should 2.5 years ago about A moving to B. A lot can change in that length of time. I think it's perfectly fine for A to change their mind, and for B to not want to move to A.

How can it be more wrong of one to not want to move than the other, considering they have discussed both options?

Original poster
ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 06:53

I sleep this is where B gets confused as A does want. A will throw suggestions in BUT B has realised its only when they broach.

Moving past the moving part how many would compromise living together to be with someone who is apart from the above 'perfect' in every other aspect.

OP posts:
Original poster
ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 06:57

The stuff you're right, neither are at 'fault' I guess things have changed & it's wether B can be happy living apart. B is aware A is amazing and may never find anyone quite like them BUT is also not one to just go with it for ease.. Its a very hard decision.

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/04/2020 06:59

If he’s not that bothered about you both living together op I’m not sure there was ever much point in keeping pushing it. It doesn’t appear this is what he wants.

It’s up to you if this is the sort of relationship you wish long term

TheStuffWasBad · 28/04/2020 07:04

It’s up to you if this is the sort of relationship you wish long term

Exactly this. Personally their current set up would suit me far more than moving in with someone or them moving in with me. But that's not for everyone.

In my opinion many relationships would be better if the people involved didn't live together.

TheStuffWasBad · 28/04/2020 07:05

But my opinion is mine. B needs to make their own decision based on what they want, for themselves and for their relationship.

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/04/2020 07:06

You’re obviously B. Dump him. He doesn’t want this kind of commitment with you.

MyOtherProfile · 28/04/2020 07:09

how many would compromise living together to be with someone who is apart from the above 'perfect' in every other aspect

Not a chance in hell. In fact I would be calling time. He isn't interested enough to move things forward and is happy having his cake and eating it.

He's not perfect if he's not that into you.

Original poster
ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 07:10

Blunt this is over a period of around 3yrs now and it's hard when someone appearingly wants the same thing yet clearly B needs to wake up and realise as much as A loves her that part can't work.
Thestuff everyone B speaks to would agree with you, life apart is easier for sure but it's also distant when you don't see too much of each other.. Then again B doesn't want someone in their life 24/7as such like A doesn't so thought we were a good match. Things change I guess

OP posts:
Original poster
ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 07:14

My other thanks for.your reply. I totally respect and understand your reply and it's hard without going into detail why I feel its worth serious consideration. Yes A in a way wants the cake if that's the right terminology but what if it was B like this, B lives A and knows A loves B..A has never let B down throughout all this and B can't fault.. The moving is the issue..

OP posts:
MyOtherProfile · 28/04/2020 07:33

what if it was B like this, B lives A and knows A loves B..A has never let B down throughout all this and B can't fault

I would still say A isn't that into B.

I'm afraid it's wishful thinking on Bs part.

MamaKarmaLlama · 28/04/2020 07:47

Sounds to me like A isn’t that bothered and I’d be upset about that if I were B.

Original poster
ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 07:47

Myother I can see how that probably may look but I am going to disagree that 'if' A & B don't live together as its been so far we are a fab couple and everyone that knows us would agree.. For those people who live apart does that mean they don't love each other enough? No I just feel its their choice. I guess things have changed that neither A or B feel they can resolve at the end of the day we commit or stay as we are I guess and that's the hard part working it out

OP posts:
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