Compromise or end..

[ILIB44]

I've NC for this, I'm going to be very fact of matter as to try and keep it simple.

OK so A met B almost 4 yrs ago on a dating site. They live 1hr apart.
A and B hit it off straight away and have, as a whole had a fab relationship this whole time.

After about a 1.5yrs A said to B about looking at living together, both were really excited. The plan was A moved to B.
After a while B hadn't heard any more from A regarding this so B broached and long story short A decided they couldn't move to B's area.
This was a shock to B and it changed things where B now had no choice but to look at moving to where A lives.

B will have to give up a lot Inc transitioning a job which is harder than A'"s to do in a way. A also has a job that isn't easy to move which B respects. A didn't think B would be happy to do all this, never mentioned any more and things carried on as normal.
Over time A has dragged their heels with discussing so B broached again and explained the compromise and A was happy with this.
A still seems happy with this but B feels like they have to instigate pretty much all of it or A wouldn't think twice.
B got fed up of feeling like a nag and told A that until they could look like they wanted to put some effort in without B feeling like it's all them and had, had enough.

A & B now aren't talking, B has realised through this that they can't nor do they want to now live with A so if A had changed their mind/ werent sure it didn't matter anymore.

The question is does B try and fix the situation because they work so well together and potentially live apart forever or walk away.

Op surely this is something you have to decide for yourself. Everyone has their musts in relationships.
Wouldn't work for me but if you're happy why not?
I'd be disappointed in being let down by stealth as he/she seemingly doesn't want you moving in and isn't too bothered about being honest with you.
But if you don't feel that's what's happened and are happy then crack on.

But commitment is a huge part of a relationship as is compromise and I suppose I would worry that it would start to eat away at me that neither of these things are happening. Yes, people do live apart in relationships but the natural pull usually is to set up lives together, if it’s serious. I would feel always sad/upset/annoyed that the other partner wasn’t bothered enough to do this....but if you are totally happy with situation go for it.

The A and B's are annoying just use me and him! Anyway it doesn't sound like this relationship is going anywhere. B sounds like they're happy to carry on as long as it's convenient but isn't willing for it to progress and might find someone "better" who he is willing to commit to eventually anyway.

It’s really tough I’m in a similar situation for 9 years but 3 hours away 180 miles I have a son who is 16 now so two more school years the plan was to move to him when my son left school. I can’t do it I really don’t like where he lives and he won’t compromise on moving anywhere - it is what it is sad but not going to work for me

You haven’t kept the post simple at all, nor is it any easier to read/understand. You don’t keep it neutral by using A/B, you just make it difficult and annoying for everyone to read.

You’re B. As sad as it may be, seems like your partner isn’t interested in moving.

Look op, no offense but can you drop the A and B thing? It's clunky, hard to read, and pointless. People always think they can write in a way that obscures which they are but they never can because they inevitably have more to say from their own perspective than from the other one. You're obviously B so let's just cut through the shit. You've been with your partner a long time now and he (right?) wants you to do all the running around. You have to initiate big conversations, you have to move to him, you have to give up more than him in terms of work as yours is harder to relocate etc etc. It's all on his terms. You ask if you should compromise but I'm not seeing the compromise. A compromise is when you both meet each other half way, but you're talking about doing all the hard work yourself and him changing basically nothing. That's not a compromise, that's you being taken for a mug. Don't uproot your life for a man who isn't willing to put in equal effort. If you don't want marriage or kids then my advice is to either carry on your relationship living separately, or end it and find someone who lives closer to you. And don't let him bamboozle you into thinking that "compromise" = you giving in to all his demands while he makes some totally inconsequential change like moving to a different house in the same area.

I already said I was trying to simplify by doing A&B.. If thats easier for you to read as him and her then just read it as that?! And as I predicted it was going to be assumed it was a him & her & the possible man bashing may arise but hey.

Whycant I don't recall anywhere saying I think I may find someone else 'better'? I don't want anyone else that's the point, I'm trying to figure out wether I'm being unreasonable in a way, unreasonable probably the wrong wording but?!.. I guess like a lot of us do when we come on for advice.

Parsley 9 years is a long time, I need to be clear now the decision I make will still be one I'm happy with that far along. When did you decide you didn't want to move? How does your partner feel about it? It's very hard.

Thanks for all your replies, it's helping, sorry I'm useless with names and can only remember 1 at a time

I assumed it was a same sex relationship so no assumptions about stubborn men.
The relationship has stalled. If you are happy as is then that's fine but if more commitment is wanted then it looks like B has to 'give in' and move. And that is never a good thing.

And as I predicted it was going to be assumed it was a him & her & the possible man bashing may arise but hey.

Well we know from this post that A is a man so it's either a m/f relationship or m/m

A would have to move out of his house

And as for this question:
For those people who live apart does that mean they don't love each other enough?
That's not the issue here as B has wanted to move in and is questioning A not engaging enough.

Op, I think it’s easy to spot your Male partner is a and you are b. It was from thr first post. You may as well drop it as it’s adding nothing.

If you want to be in a relationship where you drive everything then continue this.

He cant even be bothered to tell you when he's changed his mind.

I wouldn't be happy with this level of not really commitment.

Perhaps it suits you? But if you're looking for a partner then look elsewhere.

And as I predicted it was going to be assumed it was a him & her & the possible man bashing may arise but hey.

It was implicit in the rest of the post A was a man and I don't see any many bashing. It seems one person isn't that invested in the relationship - it's hardly relevant if they're a man or woman.

I've been in a long distance relationship and know other people who are too (due to a career I used to have). I think the thing is it was always situational and the ultimate goal was to live together and we were willing to make sacrifices and compromise to acheive that. It seems in this situation there's no wilingness to make any compromuse and not enthusiasm for the move.

@ILIB44 I’m going to be honest with you from my perspective when we met I really fell in love with him I was more keen than him my son was going to boarding school at 13 so I thought I might move then however closer to that time I just couldn’t do it.
Where we live is a complete parallel him NE me Glos plus I have always had beauty salons (not so much right now ) and I couldn’t find a salon space up there I liked.
I don’t like where he lives and he won’t move so that is that. My standard of living is higher than his area and location wise so the more I looked I just knew I would never be happy there.
It is sad what is your main reason for not wanting to move ? As a foot note I should have realised earlier I couldn’t move but I didn’t really want to face it as I did really love him now esp with lockdown it’s kind of fading away

Agreed, who cares either way if it's a man women or dog?! I found it easier to explain the original post the way I did, because some people find that an annoyance I'm sorry.

I was about to type a response but @ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings put it for more eloquently than I ever could (and definitely about the writing style, it’s never “simpler” or unbiased).

Don't uproot your life for a man who isn't willing to put in equal effort.
If he genuinely wanted you to move in with him there would at least be some reciprocal effort in terms of initiating the conversation, the move... anything really. Silence says more than words ever do.

Whatever you do, don’t chuck in your job to move in with him. A) because you will be leaving yourself vulnerable and dependent and B) because he’s not that arsed and wants you to do all the running. Recipe for disaster.

Personally I would prefer not to live with a partner and I think the importance of cohabitation for a happy relationship is vastly overstated. For me it’s more that he comes across as passive and expects you to do all the mental load around the relationship which is a huge turnoff.

If you’re happy to have a fairly independent relationship this may work for you. If you want him to take more initiative I think you are likely to be disappointed.

It’s clear a is Male because you wrote “him”

Honestly, it’s not working for you this a and b thing.

Why can't I agree with you.

Parsley that's sad,.especially if you love (obviously) and have built memories /plans with that person, it's hard to walk away. Like you this lock down has meant I've said I need space and I guess things will fizzle out.. it all feels dreadful.
I'd move tomorrow, but my point is he needs pushing and for that I'm not happy to nor will I be going anywhere.

Agreed, no effort and that's the point..so I have 2 choices.. Stay as we are or move on.. I'll admit I'm as 50/50 sometimes knowing living together isn't all its cracked up to be (I only have to read some threads on here that should put me off!) but HE (for any that that's annoying!) is a good guy, yes he is indesive and being lazy/clearly doesn't know what he wants but I know.aside to this life runs very smoothly

It is relevant to an extent that it’s a man who is seemingly “not bothered”. For whatever reason women are more likely to be the partner pushing things forward, not always but more likely. Men in general are happier to go with the flow in relationships, but may be less keen to compromise. These things aren’t man bashing, nor woman bashing, as they aren’t wrong but they are fairly common. It also means it’s not necessarily indicative of him not still wanting to make it work.

Ultimately he will always be very relaxed and not pushing to make things happen in your relationship/life. My OH is like that and it has pros and cons. But it can make it feel like I’m doing the heavy lifting by myself when it comes to big decisions eg moving house, finding a new area to move to, holidays, decorating etc. You have to consider whether you are happy with someone who is more laid back, to the point of inaction. Do the positives outweigh this? If they do have a chat about what you both want and if that can work for you or if it’s no longer worth it. If he knows you are thinking of ending it he can do something about it and tell you what he really things.

It’s tricky isn’t it. I don’t think I could live with anyone again personally - I hate it. But it’s the fact he’s made it very clear he isn’t prepared to actually do anything about it. At some fundamental level it shows a lack of engagement and prioritisation and that would probably kill it for me.

I think it's relevant which sex you both are. It isn't helpful to be "sex blind" when analysing these situations because it ignores the reality of male and female behavioural differences. A man trying to convince a woman to give up all her security and move in with him whilst he makes no effort and no changes is much more common than the reverse and also much more likely to be an early red flag of controlling and lazy behaviour which might get worse if you lived together. Yes it could indicate controlling lazy behaviour from a female partner as well, I'm not saying that never happens, but woman don't have the same life long conditioning to put themselves first whilst exploiting and manipulating their partners. Of course a disinterested and uncomitted partner is equally concerning in either sex, but that's only looking at things on the most superficial level, which I don't think is actually helpful. If you read a post saying "A wants B to give up their career and do all the housework and childcare while A furthers their earning potential" or "A watches porn all day and then wants B to have kinky sex every night even though B doesn't really want to" you could probably take a pretty good shot at guessing which sex A and B were. And even though those behaviours would be equally bad in either sex, only one configuration also comes with a background context of structural misogyny and socialisation designed to benefit one sex over the other. Your post, which reads to me as "A wants B to give up all of Bs security and social support and make all the sacrifices while A makes very little effort and receives most of the benefit" is similarly obvious in its sex differences, and the context of the way men are socialised to treat women and expect certain things from them is equally relevant. Pretending these behavioural patterns don't exist helps nobody. Being able to pick male socialised behaviour out of a blind line up =/= man bashing.

Grabthar has also hit the nail on the head. There’s a gendered element to this which is highly relevant.

Thanks. I really have no memory so apologies for not naming specific posts.
I'd just like to point out (and I could have missed/not worded properly) that he does (as far as he says) want us to live together. If he'd said no or made up excuses I'd have given up a long time ago.. But he seems to yet, yes its all down to me and I'm not having it.