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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Compromise or end..

73 replies

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 06:27

I've NC for this, I'm going to be very fact of matter as to try and keep it simple.

OK so A met B almost 4 yrs ago on a dating site. They live 1hr apart.
A and B hit it off straight away and have, as a whole had a fab relationship this whole time.

After about a 1.5yrs A said to B about looking at living together, both were really excited. The plan was A moved to B.
After a while B hadn't heard any more from A regarding this so B broached and long story short A decided they couldn't move to B's area.
This was a shock to B and it changed things where B now had no choice but to look at moving to where A lives.

B will have to give up a lot Inc transitioning a job which is harder than A'"s to do in a way. A also has a job that isn't easy to move which B respects. A didn't think B would be happy to do all this, never mentioned any more and things carried on as normal.
Over time A has dragged their heels with discussing so B broached again and explained the compromise and A was happy with this.
A still seems happy with this but B feels like they have to instigate pretty much all of it or A wouldn't think twice.
B got fed up of feeling like a nag and told A that until they could look like they wanted to put some effort in without B feeling like it's all them and had, had enough.

A & B now aren't talking, B has realised through this that they can't nor do they want to now live with A so if A had changed their mind/ werent sure it didn't matter anymore.

The question is does B try and fix the situation because they work so well together and potentially live apart forever or walk away.

OP posts:

JudyCoolibar · 28/04/2020 09:35

The obvious way to resolve this from the start would have been for both of you to move somewhere in the middle - 30 minutes' commute is hardly onerous. But, since you haven't and neither of you seems that bothered about being together, it may be time to draw a line under the whole thing and move on.

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 09:35

Grabthar yes you're right on what you say it is relevant. I don't think as a male there's any red flags showing from him, what I do see is lazyness and lack of commitment regarding such a big thing and for that if he isn't sure I've just made that part of it clear for him. The pros of him do massively outweigh this situation though and that's what I'm. Struggling with.

OP posts:

heartsonacake · 28/04/2020 09:36

I already said I was trying to simplify by doing A&B.. If thats easier for you to read as him and her then just read it as that?! And as I predicted it was going to be assumed it was a him & her & the possible man bashing may arise but hey.

No. The onus, as the OP, is for you to make it easy for us to read and understand. We shouldn’t have to be going through your entire post changing A & B to him/her or I/he; that just makes your thread even more of a pain in the arse to read.

And no, there isn’t any man bashing, so you can drop the fake act.

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 09:37

Judy that wouldn't work with my job, neither would living half way benefit any more or less due to travelling for him more than me. I'd be happy his way, he just can't clearly be bothered to jump out of his comfort zone and that I'm aware of.

OP posts:

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 28/04/2020 09:39

If people are really mad for each other they move heaven and earth (both of them) to make it work. Not just one. I think its run its course

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 09:39

Hearts well A was always going to be one or the other as was B, it's not really that hard, they weren't changing sex throughout this?! Anyway we established this a few posts back where I apologised if it confused some and why I did it.

OP posts:

ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings · 28/04/2020 09:42

How are things normally regarding seeing each other OP? Is it easy for you to travel to see each other? Do you spend equal time between your houses? How often do you see each other? I'm just wondering if you want to move in because the current set up isn't working (it's too hard to travel, you don't see each other enough etc) or because there is some specific aspect of living together that you want (seeing him everyday, sharing finances) or because you just see this as the next step in being a committed couple, that is to say its something you think you should do more than something you actually want to do. Can you see a future in which you stay together but never cohabitate?

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 09:46

Nomore, agreed, maybe when you're younger, but when houses and important jobs get in the way that does make it harder.
I watched a prog the other night where this situation arose, not sure if anyone else has seen it (back with the ex)
The man said he always regretted not giving everything up.. She was the same, they almost fell back into their life back then but after 20 years of being apart.. Sometimes life gets in the way..then again they had a good excuse as lived the opposite sides of the world.. Spoiler they still didn't get together.. but my point is there's a part of me that will feel like this for years to come.. Thats not healthy so I need to make sure I'm making the right decision.

OP posts:

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 09:52

Grabthars
How are things normally regarding seeing each other OP?
Really good, the happy fun couple. Is it easy for you to travel to see each other?
Yes, it's an hour but it's fine I love driving, it's obviously not as handy as 10 mins away but?!
Do you spend equal time between your houses? Yes we alternate
How often do you see each other?
Weekends, but we book time off so do longer weekends/holidays etc

I'm just wondering if you want to move in because the current set up isn't working (it's too hard to travel, you don't see each other enough etc) or because there is some specific aspect of living together that you want (seeing him everyday, sharing finances) or because you just see this as the next step in being a committed couple, that is to say its something you think you should do more than something you actually want to do. Can you see a future in which you stay together but never cohabitate

We have SUCH similar tastes, we are the couple that could go into a huge shop and pick up the same thing.. We love the same everything to food, decor music etc. Yes it's a littke bit because financially it would make sense as no travel, but that's not my reasoning, it's the above, it's spending more quality time with him and being able to do a bit more. We're both independant and I can see a good balance.. He obviously can't.

OP posts:

TheGirlWithAPrince · 28/04/2020 09:56

I would want themove to be an exciting thing . every one should be doing everything they can to move if they really love eachother but A seems like they couldnt care less.

I would ditch especially because islf A is allowing silence to happen aswell then it just screams i dont care

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 10:02

The girl you're right. That's how he was to begin with, excited.. Now for whatever reason (of which he says none and its all cool) there is one and we all know when somethings not right. The silence doesn't help no.

OP posts:

thepeopleversuswork · 28/04/2020 11:47

OP I think its also the idea that if you did talk him into doing it you would always feel he'd done it grudgingly which would always make you feel resentful.

Moving in together is such a high pressure thing anyway with such a high risk of going horribly wrong. If there isn't total commitment and excitement on both sides (and sometimes even if there is), its a recipe for disaster.

I think if you think he's dragging his feet he probably is. And you have to ask yourself if he feels like that about the rest of the relationship.

Parsley1234 · 28/04/2020 12:08

From my own perspective I think that there is a point in a relationship where it naturally moves on or doesn’t for me it was probably 5 years ago when the good nature was more benevelejt

HaddawayAndShite · 28/04/2020 14:57

so I have 2 choices.. Stay as we are or move on.. I'll admit I'm as 50/50 sometimes knowing living together isn't all its cracked up to be
But this isn’t just about move in together is it? It’s an indicator of how the future will be imo. I’m not sure if your age but what about marriage? Children? Illness? Will he always put this little effort into a big decision and notable life milestone? I think there are a lot of questions you’ll need to ask, scenarios you need to think about and how his lax and indifferent attitude will be and decide if the investment will pay off long term. I’d bet it wouldn’t honestly.

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 15:44

The people I was going to say I have absolutely no concerns over our actual relationship, however we clearly can't respond to each other wll as there's just a silence. I know we would still be going along happily if the move conversation didn't arise.

Haddaway no children or marriage issues to worry about.. Its just us

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 28/04/2020 15:59

So A changed their mind about moving to B, B is pissed off that they'll have to move now and is thinking about what they'll have to give up. I don't think with A or B are that keen on moving and expect the other one to do all the running

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 16:22

onanothertrain

Yes, but B (and dare I use letters!!!) HE strung this out for a fair while before actually telling me.
No I'm not pissed off about moving at all, if I was I'd have never kept asking him about it. I've realised he worries a lot for me and doesn't need to. However I'm cross he clearly isn't fussed and that was the point of my post, give up the move option.. compromise and live apart or move on.

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 28/04/2020 16:29

The letters makes it confusing and it's very obvious you're B. You've said you don't want to live with him so that takes away the first of your options. It's either live apart or split isn't it. He's not that into you, you sound hard work. I'd split

Original poster

ILIB44 · 28/04/2020 17:55

On another sorry but how am I the one that's hard work?! I merely want a straight answer from him, it's not that difficult.. Saying yes to something and not doing it would annoy anyone, but after 4 years you don't just throw it all away.. Well I don't anyway. Yes you're right 2 options left.

OP posts:

onanothertrain · 29/04/2020 08:03

Because you want it all your own way (although I don't think you're honest about what you want) and you're hanging on until you get it.
Look. He has told you he wants to live with you but won't move to your area. You're coming up with excuses not to move to his area and have now said you don't want to live with him . There is no compromise here because neither of you want to make one. Not a good sign but if you're happy with no commitment after 4 years then there's no issue.

iano · 29/04/2020 10:02

Op I think your focussing on the wrong things to assess how good your relationship is.
Having the same taste and buying the same stuff is cute and all that but not so relevant. I think good honest communication is more important. I'd say you've gone wrong somewhere with the latter

Original poster

ILIB44 · 29/04/2020 10:39

Onanother no I completely disagree, this isn't about me throwing my toys out of the pram and not getting my own way, this is about a man whose told me for a couple of years now that we will sort living together and I've pushed and got upset over no movement and am now fed up and realise its obviously not what he wants (despite still telling me it is)
If he'd said it to me at the start it wouldn't have been an issue as would have been dealt with, the problem is this far down the line it's hard to switch off a good relationship over this issue.
iano yes you're right, those things apart from the great compatability don't matter, the communication does, the fact he just won't discuss says it all, he wants to brush it under the carpet and carry on, I don't and won't keep expecting him to talk to me if he doesn't want to. It is VERY frustrating to have someone who tells you one thing but is clearly deluding themselves.. What's the point?!

OP posts:

MyOtherProfile · 29/04/2020 23:53

It's sad I'm sure. You said you're not talking now. Has he tried to contact you at all?

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