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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Advice with problem DS

75 replies

Henrietta75 · 27/04/2020 22:05

Sorry for the long post in advance please bear with. I’m Asian that we have to look after kids until they marry and then fly the nest.
I’ve 3 with a problem with child no.2 DS. He’s just turned 21 and the last 2-3 years he has just turned into a nightmare. Lying, manipulating and exceeding boundaries continually. DH and me have shown him nothing but love and guidance which the other two appreciate that we are always doing what’s best for them.
Last year I lost a parent and families from both sides rallied round us. DS presumably leaned on his girlfriend whearas his siblings leaned on us and each other. To our horror he walked out of the family home shortly after due to making up a bullshit story about a mates wedding but in reality wanted to spend these many days away with the girlfriend. The girlfriend complicated matters by being from another culture & religion where my community (on both sides) wouldn’t support the relationship. He was eventually coaxed to live with my in-laws and we saw him periodically. MIL frequently inferred I was a bad mother (knowing I’m grieving) ignoring the other 2 are perfectly fine.
He jacked in his full time job and started claiming benefits. Then he continues to see the girlfriend despite pleas / threats / advice that long term it won’t work. He sleeps all day and plays video games into the early hours, hardly socialises with family, refuses to learn any online courses and has no discipline. DH tried and failed to improve him but here we are months after moving back home after a row with his grandparents - nothing has changed.
Girlfriend sent a parcel yesterday and we haven’t received it. He flipped and accused us of being manipulative and liars. Swore at me and DH and stormed off. Now refuses to speak to us. With lockdown it’s bad tension in the house. DH has suggested backing off entirely and suspects once lockdown is over he’ll be off but this time neither of us will be bothered. Is this unreasonable?

OP posts:

zscaler · 27/04/2020 22:24

I think you need to work on being understanding of his relationship with his girlfriend. It may not be what you would have chosen for him, but his relationships are his choice. I expect he feels alienated by the fact that you don’t accept his girlfriend. That may well be the thing that drives his other behaviour.

Try to be accepting and how him and his girlfriend love and tolerance - it could well be that his behaviour improves as a result.

Ylvamoon · 28/04/2020 08:31

Are you living in your own country or in a different country to your culture?

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/04/2020 08:37

Is he taking drugs?

BeforeIPutOnMyMakeup · 28/04/2020 08:46

As he is 21 he is an adult.

Even if your culture states he has to live at home as you are in a different country, then he doesn't have to.

I would let him stay with his girlfriend permanently as some people need to experience hardship themselves before they realise their parents and other people in their families were just trying to make things in life easier for them.

In regards to mixed religious and ethnicity relationships I have a family full of them. Some in the UK, others elsewhere where it is harder. The former started long before the latter. It has always been up to each couple themselves to negotiate how they deal with it. The best advice I can give you is to keep your nose completely out of their relationship. If they have any children, welcome the children as they aren't responsible for any crap their parents may have done.

Bagelsandbrie · 28/04/2020 08:49

Well if you carry on like this and keep being judgemental about the girlfriend you’ll lose him forever. It’s as simple as that really.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/04/2020 08:59

I'd be furious with my parents too if they didn't accept my boyfriend simply because he was from a different culture or religion.

Can't you just be happy he is with someone he loves?

forrestgreen · 28/04/2020 09:16

You are being racist and I wouldn't be happy living with a racist parent. If he wants to leave home it's up to him, your attitude seems very stuck in your ways, times have changed.

pointythings · 28/04/2020 09:27

I think your attitude to his girlfriend is at the root of all this. You and your family need to accept that this is the 21st century and times have changed. Your son is an adult, he can date whom he pleases. And if you attach strings to your love for him based on who he has relationships with, he will respond negatively. You've brought this on yourselves.

Washyourhandsyoufilthyanimal · 28/04/2020 09:44

He doesn’t sound too much of a problem I think
The bigger problem is that you threaten your son about his GF. Try supporting him no matter what culture she is from. It’s 2020 how can these things still be an issue!? We are all human beings.

Herpesfreesince03 · 28/04/2020 09:48

Your sons a grown man. He can leave the house and date whenever he wants. You’re a racist arsehole who puts other people’s opinions above her own children

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/04/2020 11:15

You’re a racist arsehole who puts other people’s opinions above her own children

It most likely has nothing to do with racism and everything to do with culture. Mixed religion relationships are often considered unsuitable across Asian communities (even in East Asian communities) apart from specific exceptions even when both people are of the same race.

pointythings · 28/04/2020 11:29

GrumpyHoonMain I think most people on here know that perfectly well. We just happen to think those sorts of beliefs are bollocks. And would be no matter what the background of the community. We're all human beings. We need to get over this 'my culture' 'my religion' crap and accept that our children will love whom they love.

Bagelsandbrie · 28/04/2020 11:32

@pointythings yes exactly that. We can’t excise racism, or any sort of intolerable bullshit by putting it down to culture. What if we said FGM was okay because it’s a cultural thing...? Extreme link I know but the theory is the same.

Bagelsandbrie · 28/04/2020 11:32

*excuse

Original poster

Henrietta75 · 28/04/2020 11:37

Thanks for the kind words Herpes.

Me and DH have backed off completely last 48 hours as he is refusing to come out of his room. He comes down at approx 2-3 am in the morning to eat supper - body cycle all fucked - leave him to it.

DH backed off in helping him find a job - claim benefits and be a workshy leeching off the state - contrary to our upbringing. Carry on.

Don't socialise with his siblings, he'll ruin his relationship with them himself. Carry on.

Dont educate himself so you can have a future, stay an ignorant wretch playing computer games all his young life.

As for the girlfriend, the bad blood between communities has been around for 500 years and will be another 500 years especially in today's fear induced climate her creed have created and the damage they've done to all communities, their very way of life is contrary to ours. I couldnt care what colour she was or her family upbringing, her education or her financial status - doesnt mean shit to me. My problem is their way of life and beliefs are contrary to ours so therefore everything we've instilled into DS will be undone.

We've now accepted if he goes, he goes. DH sadly said one less kid he has to worry about then.

OP posts:

pointythings · 28/04/2020 11:45

Right, so you've decided that in the 500 year strife between your two communities the fault is all on their side and your community is 100% blameless. That says it all, really. I have no patience with pathetic cultural feuds that have gone on for centuries. Get over it. People like that are what makes the world difficult to live in. Accept that there will have been fault on both sides, mend fences. And that starts with individuals from different communities meeting and overcoming their differences against the disapproval of their own families - like your son and your GF.

I do indeed hope he and his GF leave and make their own lives. Watch his drive and interest in life return when they are away from your stifling disapproval.

You will never accept that your son isn't the problem - you are.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/04/2020 11:53

It's like a modern day Romeo and Juliet. That worked out well for everyone didn't it?

Oh wait..

MouthBreathingRage · 28/04/2020 11:54

This must be a wind-up. What do you think is so special that you've instilled in your son that some other culture will completely undo? I'm not sure what religion encourages people to be lazy workshy young adults (not that any of them are sensible to follow, just look at this nonsense as an example). Anyway, he's 21 and in lockdown, not much he could be doing at the moment.

MouthBreathingRage · 28/04/2020 12:06

DH sadly said one less kid he has to worry about then.

@Henrietta75 what a cuntish thing of your husband to say. 'My son doesn't do exactly as I say, so I'll basically disown him until he's a bigoted prick like us'. How would you feel if your son moved out and told his girlfriend 'at least i won't have to be worried of something happens to my parents, I can give up caring now'?

especially in today's fear induced climate her creed have created and the damage they've done to all communities

It's people like you who spread fear, but I think you know that, don't you.

Original poster

Henrietta75 · 28/04/2020 12:08

It's not the bad blood thats the problem - this is in addition, its their way of life.

Inequality, polygamy, intolerance, lack of integration, just to name a few.

OP posts:

MouthBreathingRage · 28/04/2020 12:10

intolerance

I bet you said that without an ounce of irony. Why didn't you just start a thread saying 'I hate Muslims, who's with me?'.

pointythings · 28/04/2020 12:13

OK, so be honest here: your DS is dating a Muslim girl and you can't hack it because you hate Muslims. Is that it?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 28/04/2020 12:20

Your ds obviously doesn't conform to "your" way of life so what's to say she conforms to her families?

zscaler · 28/04/2020 12:23

I don’t think you can blame her culture for inequality, intolerance, and lack of integration when you and your husband are considering disowning your son because he has a girlfriend from a different culture.

OhHuck · 28/04/2020 12:23

OP if your Hindu son wants to marry a Muslim girl, it's not the end of the world. Seriously. Get over it. The only intolerant one I can see is you. And your MIL is right. You are a shit mother (sorry).

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