Advice with problem DS

[Henrietta75]

Sorry for the long post in advance please bear with. I’m Asian that we have to look after kids until they marry and then fly the nest.
I’ve 3 with a problem with child no.2 DS. He’s just turned 21 and the last 2-3 years he has just turned into a nightmare. Lying, manipulating and exceeding boundaries continually. DH and me have shown him nothing but love and guidance which the other two appreciate that we are always doing what’s best for them.
Last year I lost a parent and families from both sides rallied round us. DS presumably leaned on his girlfriend whearas his siblings leaned on us and each other. To our horror he walked out of the family home shortly after due to making up a bullshit story about a mates wedding but in reality wanted to spend these many days away with the girlfriend. The girlfriend complicated matters by being from another culture & religion where my community (on both sides) wouldn’t support the relationship. He was eventually coaxed to live with my in-laws and we saw him periodically. MIL frequently inferred I was a bad mother (knowing I’m grieving) ignoring the other 2 are perfectly fine.
He jacked in his full time job and started claiming benefits. Then he continues to see the girlfriend despite pleas / threats / advice that long term it won’t work. He sleeps all day and plays video games into the early hours, hardly socialises with family, refuses to learn any online courses and has no discipline. DH tried and failed to improve him but here we are months after moving back home after a row with his grandparents - nothing has changed.
Girlfriend sent a parcel yesterday and we haven’t received it. He flipped and accused us of being manipulative and liars. Swore at me and DH and stormed off. Now refuses to speak to us. With lockdown it’s bad tension in the house. DH has suggested backing off entirely and suspects once lockdown is over he’ll be off but this time neither of us will be bothered. Is this unreasonable?

My problem is their way of life and beliefs are contrary to ours so therefore everything we've instilled into DS will be undone.

Don’t be a knob.

He's depressed, angry and feeling trapped in his racist family attitude. If you want your son back, start respecting his feelings as an individual rather then what he should be to please you.

It sounds like he is going through a rebellious stage to make a point. I kind of don't blame him.

The sad thing is many people like OP would rather disown their DC than accept their choice of partner. Seen it happen again and again.

Well I don't blame him. I would want to escape from you too.

YOUR intolerant, dated, awful attitude has no place in 21st century UK. You need to update your outlook.

You live in the UK??

There's a bunch of virtue signalling judgey -pants on your thread OP.
Ironic.

Just let him go and do his own thing. I'm guessing your family are Hindu - i don't know if your culture has a "turn the other cheek" vibe at all?

So let him go, stop being so judgy, and if he comes back that's good and if not (because you're shunning him, basically) don't expect him to look after you when you're old.

So she's a Muslim and you are Hindu.
My parents are from another culture. They allowed me to grow in the culture I born in with reference to my background when wanted and I am a happy woman. DC of other family members who enforced their beliefs on their children are either NC or lie constantly.

You brought your children up in a diverse multicultural country so why do you insist they maintain 500 yo bullshit beliefs?
People thought disease was caused by bad smells 500yo - aren't you glad we educated ourselves, learned and moved on? And imagine he utter horror a white woman on MN would encounter spouting the bigotry you exhibit here.
Let your son go. By controlling him and treating like a child you have stunted his development.

I actually see where you're coming from OP but I think you need to let the gf thing go.

pallasathena you can't know that. Because you don't know any of the posters on this thread and whether or not they would be OK with their DC dating someone from a different background.

Of course no parent would be happy to see their child miserable, unemployed and locked away in their room - but when the parent is contributing to the situation so substantially, they need to take responsibility.

Putting it bluntly.

He's not the problem.

You are.

My family couldn't accept me for who I am due to my sexuality. I am now no contact with all of them except one family member who does.

He's living his life with the woman he loves. Stop trying to control him. He is a grown man. So what if other people don't approve? Do you want him in your life or not?

Human nature doesn't change with culture. Out of three kids you'd expect at least one to dislike the level of influence you're trying to exert on your children's lives. Your other kids may simply not have bothered rebelling because as of yet they've had nothing worth rebelling over. If one of them meets someone of a different culture they might run off too. Also people have different personalities, some people are more laid back and are happy to be told what to do. Others cannot tolerate that level of control at all. Your son might be part of the latter group.

At his age it's absolutely normal to want independence from your parents. Allow him his space and freedom. Stop attempting to control him.

Did you honestly just fucking say that?! What nationality is she op? Racism at its finest. What exactly has she done to cause such damage to your community for a thousand years??

OP, it doesn’t matter how you cut it - you are a racist.

You have not said anything about this girlfriend personally. Just her ‘creed’.

You are in the wrong.

You are literally everything you accused this poor girl of being. And a shit mother. And an atrocious human being

And what about the sexism in your culture?
The abuse of women and children?

Those in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.

He is 21. I'm assuming you chose to live in the west?
But you assumed that your children wouldn't dare to step a toe out of your line of thinking?

He is 21 and if he's fucked up it's probably because of you.

Back off.

"My problem is their way of life and beliefs are contrary to ours so therefore everything we've instilled into DS will be undone." But you say he is "an ignorant wretch playing computer games" and will "claim benefits and be a workshy leeching off the state". Sounds like you've not brought him up brilliantly anyway; you should welcome it if everything you've instilled in him will be undone.

So every single person of that religion are worthless ? You have a problem, the more you alienate him the more he will dig his heels in.

Hang on a minute
While I completely disagree with OPs standpoint I think we should cut her some slack. There has been animosity between Muslims and Hindus for literally hundreds of years and while it’s very wrong and it should (and hopefully is)changing you can’t expect OP to suddenly have a different and point to the one she’s been immersed in her whole life.
Imagine if one of your children did something that you and everyone in your immediate circle believed was wrong- it’s not easy to go against all that and openly support him, especially if it meant standing up to several generations of your family and the wider community
I would hope that OP can and will come to realise that her son is more important than any inter cultural and religious animosity but even so she could lose the rest of her family if she pushes too hard. It’s really easy for us all here to call her racist etc but how about a bit of understanding and imagining what it might be like to be in her shoes?

My problem is their way of life and beliefs are contrary to ours so therefore everything we've instilled into DS will be undone.

Why are you assuming that he will change to her religion? Why do you not think that it could be her that changes to your religion instead, or maybe that they decide to respect each others religion and culture and live in harmony.

You mentioned pologamy, Why would he decide that he would want another wife or wives after being brought up in a home with only two ( assumingly happily married ) parents ? Pologamy is not compulsory, even in their culture. He obviously loves her enough to go against your wishes/hopes and he is old enough to make his own decisions.

Can you just name your cultural background and hers because I have no idea, even with the 500 year reference, which conflict this refers to.

But Jews do marry Christians, Catholics marry Muslims. People can work through these things. You are assuming that your son will convert to her religion, but maybe they combine different elements of their religions, celebrate both.

It is this knee jerk reaction that will just push them together, even more determined to make this thing work when everyone around them is telling them it won't. It may well work.

Actually I think we can expect a human to not be xenophobic @Hoppinggreen

Fedhimtotigers well said. No sign in any of OP's posts that she has any interest in scrutinising the deeply held enmity her cultural/ethnic group feel for the son's GF's group and moving away from those feelings in support of her son.

Henrietta75 - you still haven't answered my question. I appreciate that in some communities intolerance and prejudice exist. And if you live in such a country/ community your sons behaviours will have an effect on the whole family. But my advice will always be the same.
Hoever, if you are in a multi cultural society like the UK, maybe it's time to dismantle the walls and let the young people move on into a better mixed society where 500 years of history is actually banished to history.

I am absolutely disgusted with everything you have said in your post. You are hideous bigots who continue to make the world a little bit worse every day by holding and justifying to yourselves your horrific, small minded beliefs. I hope your son has nothing more to do with you and finds happiness out in the real world with people who aren't wickedly controlling and so full of hate.