To send sen dd to sister's for a couple of days a fortnight to give me a break

[sequinednostrils]

Lone parent. Dd 9 with v challenging behaviour sen, pathological demand avoidance so exhausting trying to do anything.
The lockdown has actually helped her as demands are low- no school ( although she is entitled to go) I do the basic boundaries and demands of bedtime routine.
She hasn't brushed her hair for 2 months, hasn't washed for 10 days and this is normal.
But I usually have a break and it's just been us , intense lockdown at home.
No time for self care or time to myself .
She doesn't see her dad anymore ( his choice)and government guidelines say this can go ahead,
So aibu to send dd to 'contact' with sister who is very involved and essentially a co parent?
Social worker says yes, it's exceptional circumstances and will write a letter.
I'm still in two minds but getting desperate and depleted.

Absolutely do it. The SW letter is a good idea because if you do get stopped by the police you can just show it to them and hopefully it will be fine, rather than having to explain verbally to someone with your daughter in the car. In the extremely unlikely event they give you a ticket just accept it and then you can appeal it with the letter as evidence.

Do it, if I had the option I would . It will be goid for both of you

Very unreasonable. Why inflict that on your sister

Thank goodness the OP has the sister she does and not one with your attitude.

Of course you should do it. A break will do you the world of good and your DD needs her mum to be mentally well!

The social worker says yes so grab the chance with both hands, you need time for yourself too so you can look after your DD.

I’m really surprised more parents aren’t using schools

I'm not, my Ds's can both go to school but being at home when I'm at work is working for them so why would I increase their risk above what it already is because I am still going into work?

Why not get DH to parent, why put on your sister when you have the dad? You should be giving him the duty, surely?

How can it be "his choice?" he is the father?

Honestly, I am a parent to a SEN child in very different circumstances and I think this is definitely an exceptional circumstance. As you say it’s not dissimilar to two parents living apart.

Make the most of your break.

So it’s best to send a child to a man who won’t know how to deal with the child simply because he is her “dad” than to a relative who she knows and who loves her who knows what is best for her?

Do it, no hesitation

Yes, because he has been allowed to shirk his responsibilities, why as a woman do women allow this?

Because they know it’s better for the child than a forced possibly damaging relationships

Why not get DH to parent, why put on your sister when you have the dad? You should be giving him the duty, surely?

Yes because that's exactly what's appropriate for a child with additional needs - pack her off to a man who would do it out of 'duty' rather than any kind of love or care for her welfare. Don't you think that if her Dad gave a shit he'd already be involved?

How can it be "his choice?" he is the father?

You can't force someone to care - or visit - or be interested, can you? How would you make him do it?

Mmmmmm, easy get out then.....

And if she's already co-parenting with her sister then it's highly likely that her sister wants to be involved and provide support.

Yes, because he has been allowed to shirk his responsibilities, why as a woman do women allow this?

The man is not a child. OP does not have control over him, no more than I have any control of you.

He has made a decision and OP is dealing with the consequences. Unfortunately he has free will and is able to do that.

It’s not OP’s fault or something she can readily change.

Don’t be so flippant.

Well, how would you force him?

Yes, because he has been allowed to shirk his responsibilities, why as a woman do women allow this?

Women are not responsible for the shortcomings of men.

Yes, because he has been allowed to shirk his responsibilities, why as a woman do women allow this?

That's right blame women. It's all our fault. We've had the ability to force them to not shirk their responsibilities, but we just couldn't be arsed to use it

Yes, because he has been allowed to shirk his responsibilities, why as a woman do women allow this?

The state allows him to shirk responsibilities.

There is fuck all women can do about this. Our patriarchal society is unconcerned about the loopholed it refuses to close.

@callmeadoctor
He doesn't want to care for her or see her, he can't meet her needs and would come back from contact very disregulated and traumatised- I suspect he is on the spectrum as well as his diagnosed personality disorder. He was just smacking her and locking her in a room. She's scared of him.
I have tried.

Dd loves my sister and feels safe with her

Yes please do look after yourself this will benefit you both you absolutely need a break and your sister has obviously always wanted to be involved and wants to provide that support for you both

No parent can be forced to parent their children - society just allows fathers to walk away from responsibilities more easily and then some still continue to blame the mother

@pocketem I bet OPs glad that you're not her sister! What a vile attitude!

OP do it, rest and enjoy the time.

I think the risk of harm to you mental health is far greater than the risk of Coronavirus. You need a break OP otherwise you could get really down. Don't feel guilty