To send sen dd to sister's for a couple of days a fortnight to give me a break

[sequinednostrils]

Lone parent. Dd 9 with v challenging behaviour sen, pathological demand avoidance so exhausting trying to do anything.
The lockdown has actually helped her as demands are low- no school ( although she is entitled to go) I do the basic boundaries and demands of bedtime routine.
She hasn't brushed her hair for 2 months, hasn't washed for 10 days and this is normal.
But I usually have a break and it's just been us , intense lockdown at home.
No time for self care or time to myself .
She doesn't see her dad anymore ( his choice)and government guidelines say this can go ahead,
So aibu to send dd to 'contact' with sister who is very involved and essentially a co parent?
Social worker says yes, it's exceptional circumstances and will write a letter.
I'm still in two minds but getting desperate and depleted.

I’m really surprised more parents aren’t using schools

I’m not, it should be as a last resort for childcare where both parents and key workers and no family childcare available. The more people exposed to each other the greater the risk. Who would an increased risk for their family or school staff when there are other options?

I’d let your sister help if you are all symptom free or look at joining the two households for the lockdown period.

@PotteringAlong
She wasn't coping with the demands of school, even getting her out of the house. It made her much worse ( I mean awful, smearing, attacking me, self harming) and I was planning to homeschool anyway after summer. She has improved so much in this environment.
I just need some self care as it gets very intense and although I have done many courses, and parent very differently to meet her needs, it is very challenging and I have lost it with her a couple of times as it's so so hard. I don't have anyone to take over if I'm having a wobble.

yup, it will be beneficial for all of you.

(not during lockdown, but after it, im going to be sending dd to her lovely aunt very regularily!)

Definitely do it. And ask for school a few days a week too

The advice is you are allowed to mix households for caring responsibilties isn't it ? (not sure of exact wording) let her go to her Aunts and give yourself a break

YANBU. I wish I had a family member who who could take ds off my hands for a few days who has the same needs as you describe your dd.
Give yourself a bit of a break to re charge

Of course send her. You need to be able to rest and reset. Your sister sounds amazing!

Please do it! If her dad won't have her and your sister is willing then I don't see any difference in this case.

I have joint custody of my DD so she goes between my house and her dads. This is allowed so I don’t see how yours is any different.

Could you say she can only go if she bathed and washes her hair?

Yes absolutely a million percent. And also think about sending her into school.

You must take care of yourself.

@pocketem - what suggestions have you got?

Absolutely!! You need to look after you so you can look after her as well as you needing your own time in your own right.

My daughter has PDA and my son ASD/ADHD they are both doing well in lockdown with less demands etc and we also would like to hone school but it is so intense!!

My husband is home and also my eldest is back from uni so we outnumber the kids 3:2 and we are exhausted! They are funny, bright and spirited but every thing is a challenge/ stress etc and we all take turns to have a break.

You need this and so does she- you both need a break!

I have a child with autism and challenging behaviour. It is v wearing without breaks so yes absolutely send her and take a bit of time to look after yourself . I can't do that unfortunately but if I had the option I wouldn't hesitate.

And like others on here our child is happier and less stressed now he doesn't have to go to school but it is bloody hard work at times. For me the hardest thing is that even when he is calm I am always in a heightened state of alert watching for potential flashpoint and triggers so you can never really relax .

absolutely let her go.

Well within the guidelines and even if it wasn't I wouldn't think twice.

You have been socially distancing/isolating for weeks already anyway and unless your sister works on the front line of CV19 care, she will also have been socially distancing so any risks are so so 'low.

Please do, for both of your sakes for your own sanity

pocketem

Very unreasonable. Why inflict that on your sister

Inflict what? Her sister obviously loves her niece or the OP wouldn’t have explained that she is practically co parenting, so why have you a problem with that? Or do you just have a problem with children with disabilities in general?

Do it, OP. My youngest is now an adult, but has SN and autism, plus underlying conditions. She’s actually relatively easy to look after, but I love the wee break when she stays over at her friend’s house. I know the friend’s mum also appreciates it when her daughter stays over at mine. We all need a bit of head space, even if our children with disabilities don’t have behavioural disabilities, so I can’t imagine how you’re coping. You need this break more than most and I’d say your sister will love seeing your daughter.

@pocketem
Are you usually so vile about a child.

YANBU
Do it. Your dd and you need some time apart.

Send her as soon as you can.
A change of environment might benefit her.
You clearly need a break too.

Always someone clueless on these threads @pocketem do you have any family in this same situation and would you say the same to them?

PDA is one of the hardest types of SEN to cope with, in my experience. Send her. At school, the strategy would be called 'change of face' and it sounds like you will both benefit.

@pocketem did you miss the part where OP said that her sister is very involved and virtually a co-parent? Or did it escape your notice whilst you were rushing to put the boot in? It's pretty awkward when you post something shitty and end up making yourself look like an idiot...

OP - do it. You have your SW's support if there are any questions about why she is travelling.