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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do not want SD getting my money if I die

151 replies

Preparefortheflaming · 24/04/2020 23:42

I’m fully prepared to be flamed for this. I have an adult step daughter who doesn’t like me and the feeling is mutual. I have 2 DC with my husband. I stand to inherit some money from my parents eventually and I want to make sure that the money from my family does not pass through to my step daughter. This means if I die before my husband I think I need it to go directly to my 2 DC. Is that how it’s done? This is what I want and I don’t care for opinions on how wicked I am I just want to know how is best to do it. Thanks

OP posts:
FrangipaniBlue · 25/04/2020 13:04

I didn't want to derail the OPs thread but if anyone is interested in reading about my situation I've started my own thread.

It was very cathartic!

If you're part of a "blended family" please make a will!! www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3890603-if-you-re-part-of-a-blended-family-please-make-a-will

Ilovechinese · 25/04/2020 13:23

Make a will specifying you want it left to your children. If you are married and die without a will or will be left to the laws of intectacy which mean your husband will get it and obviously he could give some to his daughter

Ilovechinese · 25/04/2020 13:23

It*

BestZebbie · 25/04/2020 13:25

Your husband also needs to make a will so that his estate doesn't go to you in full and then only to your two daughters, cutting out his own - she needs to inherit a third of his estate from him if he has three children.

PatchworkElmer · 25/04/2020 13:35

I think you need to speak to your DH and make him aware so that he can ensure that SD is looked after with his ‘share’. Otherwise he could die first, leave it all to you in good faith, and then have your shared children inherit everything from you. Likewise, it would be cruel for him to discover your ‘plan’ when he was grieving your death.

My cousin has sorted similar arrangements with his wife- everyone (teenage kids included) know what the plan is.

crosspelican · 25/04/2020 13:38

Surely the only flaming you might get would be for NOT making a will to ensure your money goes to the people you wish it to go to - doesn't everyone do this in a blended family situation? Why on earth would you want your adult stepdaughter to end up inheriting your parents' money?

Original poster
Preparefortheflaming · 25/04/2020 14:17

If she had been nice then I wouldn’t have had a problem her having a share as part of our family. But she isn’t that to me anymore. Yes we’ve been together 14 years. She was 13 and didn’t want to know. She did adjust and was nice for a few years but as she got older she became more and more resentful of things and so now we are civil but that’s all. I agree she should have a 3 way split of her fathers half of things but not mine. I’ll look into it - thanks all for your comments

OP posts:
orlarose · 25/04/2020 15:01

You just need to sit your parents down and discuss it. I know that to some it's a taboo subject talking about inheritance but it needn't be. My dad has written a list detailing where all his money is, property, shares etc. I'm an only child so there won't be any dispute but it's just about being organised so that when you're in the midst of grief you don't have to consume your time worrying about finances.

kayakingmum · 25/04/2020 15:07

I think you should ask your parents to change their will so they leave their money to your two children - and not to you.

ElonsMusk · 25/04/2020 15:09

What’s her problem? She’s carried a grudge a long time. Were you the Other Woman? Surely she should be happy her dad is happy.

Espoleta · 25/04/2020 15:17

My will states it goes all to my daughter, but that my DP has right to stay in the house until he dies.
There is no friction about this, and at the moment I have sweet f all. This has nothing to do with my feeling towards my DSC but DP and I have a clear agreement living about financial set up and this will just replicated that.

Undercoverworker06 · 25/04/2020 16:20

We're a blended family, and this is what we did. Bear in mind we all get on well and class all children and grandchildren as "ours", even though our children are all grown up and were older teenagers when we got together.
My in laws have left their money to be divided equally between their children, my dh being one. However, if he dies before them, his share if any, goes to his blood children, not to me, as they are the direct descendants of my in laws. I'm a "Johnny come lately" to the family, as is my children and I'm fine with that.
With my parents, there's a long standing issue which I won't go into, but my "share" of my dad's estate (my mum has died, hence why there's an issue) is to go to me. However, nothing is written in his or mum's will that should I pre decease him that my share in his and mum's estate would go to my children and would therefore become part of my estate. I've written in my will that if I pre decease him, my interest in his and mum's house goes to my children, not to go in the general pot to be divided between all our children collectively if both me and DH died together, or to dh if he's still alive.
If we get anything from any of our parents, we regard that as "ours" and should anything be left of it when eventually pop off, it all goes into the pot and is divided between all of our children.
There are a few other issues regarding our wills and finances BUT we have made sure that all the children know what we're planning, why we're done it and have given them a clear explanation as to what happens when we die to ensure that they know they are all being treated equally. I've given them letters and copies of the wills so they know what's what and are welcome to ask questions now if they want to. I wish my parents had done the same.

So op, either get your parents to specify that their estate goes to your children should you pre decease them, or get something written into your will now.

alexdgr8 · 25/04/2020 16:39

espoleta, would your D have enough spare cash to pay the IHT; if not, then your P may not have a house to remain in, unless it can be sold with a sitting tenant and he have to pay commercial rent thereafter.
why don't you get married and avoid having the IHT liability.

Piglet89 · 25/04/2020 16:57

@Preparefortheflaming

No flaming for what you want to do, but how you’ve chosen to try to get the advice (asking and anonymous Internet forum) is, frankly, laughable.

Probate is a notoriously nuanced and complex area of law - if you want to do it properly, engage (and pay for) a solicitor specialising in this area.

Durgasarrow · 25/04/2020 17:02

I know in the U.S. that there are ways of not mingling inheritances in with other money. Of course you have a right to leave your money to your own children, who would also have the right to inherit from their father. Speak to a lawyer.

Espoleta · 25/04/2020 17:06

@alexdgr8 we are married.
And I have insurance specifically to cover the mortgage so we should be all good.

Ariela · 25/04/2020 17:09

You need to take legal advice on this from a solicitor that specialises in writing wills.

VanGoghsDog · 25/04/2020 18:06

@FrangipaniBlue

That's so awful.

Similar situation here. My mum had her first DD, then married my dad, dad adopted first DD, I was born then my brother.
We were brought up as a family, dsis never saw her bio dad, met him when she was in her twenties.

I am literally sitting at his death bed today knowing his will leaves everything to mum, except two bequests to me and my brother. Then if mum were to die first (this won't happen) splitting everything two ways between me and brother. He purposely excluded her.

My mum is going to "make it right" by gifting my sister the same amount my brother and I get, hoping dsis won't find out and then changing her own will (which dad had insisted was the same). But my brother is executor and he's a nasty piece of work, so he's bound to tell her and she will be horribly hurt.

Halo1234 · 25/04/2020 18:15

Why would u do that. Whatever u think of your step daughter it will hurt your husband. Is money worth that? It's both your money anyway imo if you are married. It's a joint asset.

Mistystar99 · 25/04/2020 18:17

You are horrible. When you are dead, who cares about money? Be a decent person.

SunshineCake · 25/04/2020 18:24

I get all this about blended families, etc but you'll be dead so won't be able to care. Keep quiet so it causes no upset to them now as it can't cause upset to you when you are dead. I'm not saying don't do your wills but just try not to be over stressed.

OhCaptain · 25/04/2020 18:36

Your dh shouldn't be inheriting your parents' assets, IMO.

You don't own any property together. Therefore the easiest thing to do is to encourage your parents to leave everything directly to your dc, and make a lump sum donation of money to you (not loads) to cover their bases.

You say they won't be organised enough to do it but it's really for the best.

Itsjustmee · 25/04/2020 18:40

My mum passed away recently
Before she died my dad and her did their wills
They changed the ownership on the house to both owning 50 /50
When my mum died her half goes to my sister and my son
My dad can live in the house for the rest of his life
This also protects at least 50 percent of the house against care home fees should my dad need it as he only legally owns 50 percent of the half
This was done by a willwriter Mumblechum/ Marlow Wills on mumsnet

Highly recommend as it’s all done via phone / internet
Now I’m just in the process of getting the trust set up so it’s all legal as required by the will
L

VanGoghsDog · 25/04/2020 21:38

This also protects at least 50 percent of the house against care home fees should my dad need it as he only legally owns 50 percent of the half

Aw, what clever planning - to condemn your dear father to a crappy council care home while you swan off with money that could have been used for his comfort. You must be so chuffed.

DeathByBoredom · 25/04/2020 21:40

Oh dear, VanGoghsDog you don't understand how care home fees work at all