Hi. I want a safe space to talk about this, as I couldn’t ever say this out loud to anybody. And also want an outsiders perspective on if IBU.
Background: My birth mother wasn’t a maternal person by nature and didn’t like the lifestyle that came with being a mother, so I was placed into foster care and adopted as a young child.
It was always very obvious to me that my adopted dad didn’t care for being a father, but went along with it for my adopted mother, who loves children.
I resent him so much and feel uncomfortable being in a close proximity to him, even to this day.
From an outsiders perspective I grew up in a secure family unit, lower-middle class family, in a decent house and area. I wasn’t spoilt but I was provided for financially and never went without what I needed.
Since my primary school years my adopted father would hit me, scream in my face to the point where I’d feel his spit and breath on me, drag me around leaving finger-mark bruises on my body, call me names and mimic me/do impressions of me in fits of rage on a regular basis.
My adoptive mother is a very submissive old fashion lady, who knows her place as a woman, so she did not do anything to discourage this or protect me.
My adopted parents are both white with a British background, I am not, so my adoption came up naturally in many conversations over my life. Which would then bring up many remarks about how wonderful they are.
I remember at events as a young child, over hearings adults question why I look so different. “She’s adopted”. - “Oh that’s so good of them”
I feel like such a charity case. Like I must accept being mistreated because they took me in when my birth mother didn’t want me, and that ‘beggars can’t be choosers’.
I’ve always felt like I need to be grateful for having parents. I just wanted to be normal and blend in the background.
Some examples in my childhood that really stick with me:
- My dad dropping me off a school in the car, already in a vile mood because it was usually my mum that did it. Just as he opened the car door for me and I was stepping out, I remembered I left something at home. To which he slammed the car door shut on my leg trapping it (I was too young to know if he did this on purpose or if it was an accident). When I naturally let out a crying scream from the pain he then shouted at me infront of all the kids/parents. It was humiliating.
- I would always wake up in the middle of the night to my dad kicking my bedroom door open, he’d then throw things at me like a shampoo bottle, shower gel and so on, if I’d left them on them on the bath.
- Kicking me in the stomach while my mum was trying to put eye drops in my eyes, i was lying down on the sofa and was getting squeamish from something going in my eye and couldn’t keep still, which frustrated him.
-Always humiliate me in public by shouting at me and calling me names.
Today: I am now in my 20s and unfortunately had to move back home with them during lockdown. I’ve paid them rent upfront, buy all my own food, do my chores, cooking, keep my room tidy.
But since moving in 4 weeks ago he’s already blown up at me, shouting and questioning why I had to come here and not stay with someone I know. Conversation went like this-
Me: No one I know has the space
Him: Well that says it all doesn’t it
Me: What do you mean?
Him: It means you’re a piece of shit and no one wants to know you.
My mum’s and a few others view is “you know what he’s like he’s moody but he’s done a lot for you you’ve never gone without”. AIBU?
I’d rather have been aborted than deal with this.