To feel resentful towards my adopted parents?

[JTTJ]

Hi. I want a safe space to talk about this, as I couldn’t ever say this out loud to anybody. And also want an outsiders perspective on if IBU.

Background: My birth mother wasn’t a maternal person by nature and didn’t like the lifestyle that came with being a mother, so I was placed into foster care and adopted as a young child.

It was always very obvious to me that my adopted dad didn’t care for being a father, but went along with it for my adopted mother, who loves children.
I resent him so much and feel uncomfortable being in a close proximity to him, even to this day.

From an outsiders perspective I grew up in a secure family unit, lower-middle class family, in a decent house and area. I wasn’t spoilt but I was provided for financially and never went without what I needed.

Since my primary school years my adopted father would hit me, scream in my face to the point where I’d feel his spit and breath on me, drag me around leaving finger-mark bruises on my body, call me names and mimic me/do impressions of me in fits of rage on a regular basis.
My adoptive mother is a very submissive old fashion lady, who knows her place as a woman, so she did not do anything to discourage this or protect me.

My adopted parents are both white with a British background, I am not, so my adoption came up naturally in many conversations over my life. Which would then bring up many remarks about how wonderful they are.

I remember at events as a young child, over hearings adults question why I look so different. “She’s adopted”. - “Oh that’s so good of them”

I feel like such a charity case. Like I must accept being mistreated because they took me in when my birth mother didn’t want me, and that ‘beggars can’t be choosers’.
I’ve always felt like I need to be grateful for having parents. I just wanted to be normal and blend in the background.

Some examples in my childhood that really stick with me:

• My dad dropping me off a school in the car, already in a vile mood because it was usually my mum that did it. Just as he opened the car door for me and I was stepping out, I remembered I left something at home. To which he slammed the car door shut on my leg trapping it (I was too young to know if he did this on purpose or if it was an accident). When I naturally let out a crying scream from the pain he then shouted at me infront of all the kids/parents. It was humiliating.

• I would always wake up in the middle of the night to my dad kicking my bedroom door open, he’d then throw things at me like a shampoo bottle, shower gel and so on, if I’d left them on them on the bath.

• Kicking me in the stomach while my mum was trying to put eye drops in my eyes, i was lying down on the sofa and was getting squeamish from something going in my eye and couldn’t keep still, which frustrated him.

-Always humiliate me in public by shouting at me and calling me names.

Today: I am now in my 20s and unfortunately had to move back home with them during lockdown. I’ve paid them rent upfront, buy all my own food, do my chores, cooking, keep my room tidy.
But since moving in 4 weeks ago he’s already blown up at me, shouting and questioning why I had to come here and not stay with someone I know. Conversation went like this-
Me: No one I know has the space
Him: Well that says it all doesn’t it
Me: What do you mean?
Him: It means you’re a piece of shit and no one wants to know you.

My mum’s and a few others view is “you know what he’s like he’s moody but he’s done a lot for you you’ve never gone without”. AIBU?

I’d rather have been aborted than deal with this.

This is horrible. What a terrible man. I'm not religious, but someone like that makes me believe in hell and I would happily go buy a pitchfork to toss him into it.

I’m so sorry. I was also adopted and grew up with the message (internal and external) that I should be more grateful for my lot. No one says this kind of platitude to people in their birth families. It becomes easy to internalise this and feel you have to be perfect or grateful.

What you hav3 described is domestic abuse, the help is out there, difficult as it may be. Good luck

Your response to being told you are an incredible gift has me in bits. I also never felt loved as a child and was equally shocked to learn that I was also a gift to my parents. I’m not adopted btw.

I have brought my dd up to know how precious and special she is. How lucky I am to have her and how much she is loved. You also needed to hear this too. You were a precious and special and lovely child, a wonderful gift to this couple. Please do not ever think bringing you up was a “job someone has to do”. This is an awful way to think about yourself and I’m not surprised that you are allowing him to continue to abuse you.

My dd is friends with adoptive children from two families and I am good friends with one of the mums and know the other parents pretty well. They all say the same thing. These children were a gift.

I have spoken at length with the mum, who adopted her dd when she was a year old. She told me of the pain of the adoption process (it is very gruelling these days), the joy of finally becoming a mum and how scared she was of suddenly having a beautiful baby girl. She was about 1 at the time.

These days adoption agencies are much more careful on placing children with adoptive parents. They also match the children with parents of similar ethnic backgrounds. They also take into consideration any wishes of birth parents and there is also some contact between birth parents and the children if it is safe and the adopted parents and birth parents agree. That could be the occasional letter and perhaps meeting a couple of times. All of this is to protect the child and give them the best chance in life to thrive. Your “father” would never have passed the test these days.

I only know the girls are adopted because their parents told me. With one mum, I found out quite by accident when I was talking to her and commented on her dd’s hair and how similar it is in colour to her (adopted) mum‘s. Poor woman, she was taken aback and didn’t know what to say. The other mum told me her dd is adopted. Their dd is mixed race and they are a mixed raced couple of the same ethnic diversity. As for the dads of these girls, they are also loving men, who also knows just how lucky he they are to have their children.

I am trying to imagine your mum’s motivation for allowing your “father” to treat you so cruelly. I do wonder if it is because she was grateful to him for allowing her to adopt you. Back in the day she quite possibly couldn’t adopt as a single parent. I am wondering if because she wanted so desperately to have a child, she was made to feel very grateful to him for allowing her to have you. Ultimately and sadly, she sacrificed your safety, security, happiness and ability to feel loved.

I agree with someone upthread, who said to consider going NC with your father and just talk to your mother over the phone. It sounds as if you love her and want to keep her in your life. She made very poor choices for you and now that you are an adult, please protect yourself.

Please contact shelter as Arrietty suggested. You will be considered and are vulnerable.

This is controversial but next time he emotional and verbally abuses you like that, I would fucking fight back and do him one verbally too. I'd just lay it out straight how fucking out of order he is.if he's frail then you have the upper hand. Honestly, stop being a doormat, which I mean kindly but don't put up with his shit. Do whatever you need to communicate your frustration. Let it out and make their lives bloody uncomfortable. You deserve so much more than this and you owe them fuck all. You didn't ask to be brought into their world. Realise that they've been abusing you and realise you are a different person to when you were a child. I'd pick your moments but it may make you feel stronger. Work on an exit plan. Id be using my day to retrain online, get your CV polished and starting hunting for a new job all hours. Getting on the phone to recruiters. What is it you do? Anyway

Aw you sound like me. My childhood was similar. I wasn't adopted but had a stepmother who absolutely despised me, a father too drunk and on drugs to care. Was regularly told I'd be nothing more than a toilet cleaner, or a prostitute, who would love me?
It actually almost drove me to point of suicide. And one day I told them to go fuck themselves. I don't have extended family and I worried about being alone. But there's also power in being the only one. You realise that you actually don't need anyone. And if you do it's an option. And you see them for what they are, pathetic and sick. I used to be co dependent on them and letting go was actually quite scary, especially learning to live with an apology you'll never get. For me, when I went NC they didn't even care. It was a kick in the teeth tbh. BUT imagine having to live the rest of their lives as themselves, feel sorry for them now.
I'm in my 30s but in my 20s I was like you. When I think of my own mother now, who was a horrible person, and father and stepmother, I always mentally say thank you, as I now have a gift and they didn't anticipate that.
You're better than this.

You "owe" them nothing.

You owe yourself a decent life.

As soon as you can, try to earn enough to get a small rental/bedroom somewhere. Then do good research to find a very therapist.

It is important to emotionally separate from them and start to build your own foundation with what cards life has dealt you. You can create something good for yourself. It takes time, patience and investment. In yourself. Good luck OP.

I note you say you feel you "owe them" because they took you in when they didn't have to. Switch this on its head. What actually happened was your parents wanted a child so much, they went through the process of fostering a child who they knew would have had a troubled upbringing. They didn't prepare themselves enough for the situation and the amount of care and compassion a child from your background deserves. This is their fault. Not yours. You owe them absolutely nothing.
Their decision to adopt was based on their desire to parent a child, they should have been aware that the children who are adoptable have varying backgrounds that require so much more than money can buy.

Once you can get your own place op, go NC and start a fresh. You owe them sweet fuck all.

OP. This made me cry. Your father is a horrendous abusive individual. Please get help. There's some good advice on here already and there are organizations to help you. THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT. You absolutely deserve better and to be loved.

I’ve always felt like ‘it’s a job someone has to do’ so to speak. (Sorry if that sounds a bit tactless it’s the only way I can put it into words)

Parenting children is work, but it’s not a “job someone has to do”, these people chose to adopt you, chose to abuse you and chose not to protect you. No one forced them to do it - if anything the adoption process even back then was a bit of a marathon.

You don’t owe your parents anything, I adopted my DC. It was my active choice and my absolute delight to do so. They light up my days and bring so much joy - it’s my privilege to be allowed this time in their lives. That’s not to say there aren’t challenges but you don’t respond to those challengers with violence and aggression.

The “wonderful people, grateful” thing is so very common in adoption, because the vast majority of people have a skewed understanding based on Hollywood movies showing poor little orphans being rescued from awful institutions by rich benefactors. In reality children are not relinquished, most adoptions are for child protection purposes. One thing you could do is look for your records which will explain why you ended up in care and we’re then adopted - your local authority need to keep your file for you so you could ask. The reason I say that is because I very much doubt your birth mum just couldn’t be bothered, the vast vast majority of parents who have children removed are unable to care for them, rather than unwilling.

In any event your first duty is to yourself, to do whatever keeps you safe and brings you peace - if that means minimal or no contact that’s ok.

This had me in tears... I can't imagine treating a child as anything other than a precious gift - and it wouldn't matter to me one bit if that child was biological or adopted. Parent is the one that raises the child not just the one that gives birth to it. As someone who went through a bitter battle with infertility for years, I believe your parents (and all parents) should feel grateful every single day for having a privilege to love and raise a young person.

Some parents, however, adoptive and biological alike, believe that children owe them something for being born/raised. My mum was a little like that (not abusive but very much 'you should be grateful for all the sacrifices I made to have and raise you') but thankfully my dad wasn't so he balanced it out for me and my sibling when we were growing up. Your mother should have stood up to him and protected you. I am very sorry she failed you too.

However, you are strong and obviously thoughtful person - you can make it on your own. And you DON'T need anyone to do that. Of course that it makes it more difficult, but difficult doesn't mean impossible!

He seems psychopathic to me. Unbelievable behaviour and equally strange behaviour from your DM. Both of them cruel and spiteful.
You could try yelling back - louder and angrier and, you never know, it might cowe him.
How old is he?

What a heartbreaking story, and one that I hope will end well eventually.

I would class your situation as definitely abusive; I’d contact your council and or Domestic Violence team. It doesn’t have to be a husband or partner that abuses you - parents come under the same umbrella. You sound like a wonderful person who is at least woken up to the abuse and I wish you well in overcoming it.

You owe your adoptive parents nothing.

Once you’re out the other side, get yourself some counselling. You should not have to carry those thoughts through your adult life.

I would be careful of any kind of retaliation in this lockdown. The OPs father has been physically abusive already in her life. He could do it again, despite being older.

Wow your parents sound awful. I’m so sorry you had to go through an abusive childhood and are continuing to go through it now. Like everyone else said, you don’t owe them anything. They should have protected you and loved you but they didn’t. And that’s not your fault.

I am so sorry. It is very hard to read. All I hope is that somehow, this awful neglect from all the people who should have cared for you has made you stronger and determined.

They don't deserve your love and kindness. None of them, but don't assume at any stage that you deserve it. You sound like a lovely and very lovable person.

When you visit the council today, please share everything that is going on. This is domestic abuse and there is support for you out there. This is not reliant on you reporting this to the Police nor on you leaving your home, often it is support to help keep you safe (physically and emotionally) until you are ready or in a position to leave.
You owe these people nothing. They chose your upbringing, you had no control over this and have done nothing to deserve this.
‘Children who are abused don’t stop loving their parents, they stop loving themselves’

if you go to the stately homes section on relationships board, you’ll see that their behaviour is so, so common. You are not to blame

He's an abusive bastard. She's enabled him.

You were unlucky to be placed with them. They were so lucky to have you and they fucked that up spectacularly.

Don't worry about what other people thought of them - many abusers are people others outside the house think are super kind, lovely people. My mother is one. Hearing people talk about them in glowing terms messes even more with your head.

But make no mistake he abused you and she enabled it and it was not your fault. They did that because there is something wrong with them. And that is the same for your birth mother. She gave you up because there is something wrong with her, none of the so called parents' behaviours is a reflection on you, your worth. Although they have all contributed to be damaging to your self-worth - and that's a NORMAL reaction, showing that you are in fact fully functioning!

I can't help on details, but do not worry about being alone. There's nothing more lovely than being surrounded by people who don't care for you (except for being surrounded by them plus others who talk about how great they are...). Do what you can to get out of that house.

And never go back. You owe them nothing now and you never did. You were used as a sign of their goodness in the community. You gave them a sort of kudos, while you were being treated like crap. They squandered your chance of being placed with a loving family. You owe them absolutely nothing. So go and never look back.

A few points

1. you owe them nothing
2. You were abused
3. You are being abused now and have a legal right to be housed elsewhere
4. You would benefit from some trauma focused work and CBT to unpick your thought patterns about them/ your life
5. Abuse in adoptive placements isn’t as rare as people think, there are others out there with similar experiences that may provide you with valuable peer support
6. The situation now is domestic abuse so women’s aid have a remit to support you
7. Have you considered making a complaint to the adoption agency? If nothing else they should have a record that it was not a successful placement.
8. If they were such good parents they’d be helping you out a lot more now- can they not give you a deposit?
9. Are there any other extended birth family members you could contact?

NC
You don't owe them shit op , this is really sad x

He sounds similar to my dad, except I wasn't adopted and my mum was always at work and I was left with him. He was never like other nice dads. I don't have any contact with him now and when I have seen him as an adult he has acted like everything is fine!
No kid deserves that kind of treatment. It sticks with you your whole life causing you emotional problems.

He is a mean bully who should know better. Don't let him ruin any more of your life.

OP agree with all the posts that say you do not owe your adoptive parents. As an adoptive family ourselves we hope we do our very best to help our child grow and thrive but he doesn’t owe us. He has the loss of his birth family to deal with and may have many struggles ahead of him just coming to terms with what’s happened in his childhood - and that’s without the horrendous abuse you have suffered and are still experiencing. Have you ever used the adoption support service of your local authority for advice and support? While what you are describing is abuse I think it may help that you are able to access support that specialises in counselling for adopted people, as the support around feeling guilt etc due to being adopted would be more effectively addressed with the support of a therapist specialising in adoption. I’m so sorry this has happened to you, as an adopter can I repeat - you owe them nothing x

@Verily1 excellent post @JTTJ please read! Xx

Darling you say about being scared of instability, but really how is this stable? Hugely unpredictable behaviour for reasons you don't and won't understand, how will you ever be happy in a relationship with the way things are.
Lets just get this straight here, parents, are not owed anything apart from what they put into a relationship. Parents come in many forms, but bottom line, they made a choice to have children in whatever way they had them and at whatever age you came into their life, it was their choice, and it certainly wasn't you saying 'take me in and I'll owe you', so leave thay at the door. Its a relationship that needs to be nurtured, you are not obliged to do this, so drop the bags of guilt, its just a wholely unhelpful emotion.
You need space, in whatever fashion that comes in, but physical and mental distance from them (covid pending...) and then you need support and perspective, if that doesnt come from friends then a counsellor/therapist to work through some things.
Do not stay in their company just because you think its the only option, its just that other options havent been available, so make them available but giving yourself the time and space to make new stable and loving relationships, especially with yourself!
Peace x

I'm so sorry you are in this position.
I don't have any experience of adoption but I echo other pps who've said it's a privilege to adopt.
Practically, if you've been made redundant can you claim benefits ?
You could then try and rent a room somewhere? There's a website called myspareroom.com

I hope things start to work out for you.