To feel resentful towards my adopted parents?

[JTTJ]

Hi. I want a safe space to talk about this, as I couldn’t ever say this out loud to anybody. And also want an outsiders perspective on if IBU.

Background: My birth mother wasn’t a maternal person by nature and didn’t like the lifestyle that came with being a mother, so I was placed into foster care and adopted as a young child.

It was always very obvious to me that my adopted dad didn’t care for being a father, but went along with it for my adopted mother, who loves children.
I resent him so much and feel uncomfortable being in a close proximity to him, even to this day.

From an outsiders perspective I grew up in a secure family unit, lower-middle class family, in a decent house and area. I wasn’t spoilt but I was provided for financially and never went without what I needed.

Since my primary school years my adopted father would hit me, scream in my face to the point where I’d feel his spit and breath on me, drag me around leaving finger-mark bruises on my body, call me names and mimic me/do impressions of me in fits of rage on a regular basis.
My adoptive mother is a very submissive old fashion lady, who knows her place as a woman, so she did not do anything to discourage this or protect me.

My adopted parents are both white with a British background, I am not, so my adoption came up naturally in many conversations over my life. Which would then bring up many remarks about how wonderful they are.

I remember at events as a young child, over hearings adults question why I look so different. “She’s adopted”. - “Oh that’s so good of them”

I feel like such a charity case. Like I must accept being mistreated because they took me in when my birth mother didn’t want me, and that ‘beggars can’t be choosers’.
I’ve always felt like I need to be grateful for having parents. I just wanted to be normal and blend in the background.

Some examples in my childhood that really stick with me:

• My dad dropping me off a school in the car, already in a vile mood because it was usually my mum that did it. Just as he opened the car door for me and I was stepping out, I remembered I left something at home. To which he slammed the car door shut on my leg trapping it (I was too young to know if he did this on purpose or if it was an accident). When I naturally let out a crying scream from the pain he then shouted at me infront of all the kids/parents. It was humiliating.

• I would always wake up in the middle of the night to my dad kicking my bedroom door open, he’d then throw things at me like a shampoo bottle, shower gel and so on, if I’d left them on them on the bath.

• Kicking me in the stomach while my mum was trying to put eye drops in my eyes, i was lying down on the sofa and was getting squeamish from something going in my eye and couldn’t keep still, which frustrated him.

-Always humiliate me in public by shouting at me and calling me names.

Today: I am now in my 20s and unfortunately had to move back home with them during lockdown. I’ve paid them rent upfront, buy all my own food, do my chores, cooking, keep my room tidy.
But since moving in 4 weeks ago he’s already blown up at me, shouting and questioning why I had to come here and not stay with someone I know. Conversation went like this-
Me: No one I know has the space
Him: Well that says it all doesn’t it
Me: What do you mean?
Him: It means you’re a piece of shit and no one wants to know you.

My mum’s and a few others view is “you know what he’s like he’s moody but he’s done a lot for you you’ve never gone without”. AIBU?

I’d rather have been aborted than deal with this.

This is so sad op. You do not owe them, they failed you. What area are you in, there may be someone who can help you.

And you owe them nothing. Nothing at all. They owe you x

What an absolute bastard, he's no father adopted or otherwise.

Your feelings are totally legitimate and frankly you have nothing to feel 'grateful' for. All children deserve food, warmth, shelter, education and protection from harm and they made it their duty to provide that to you when they were given the gift of your adoption - they weren't doing you a favour.

Could you contact your local post-adoption service to see if they can point you in the direction of a therapist who specialises in these kinds of issues?

Prospective adopters have to jump through hoops to be allowed a child. It is most definitely a privilege to be allowed to adopt.

It is a choice. The child shouldn't be made to pay for their parents choice. You need to get out of that negative mindset that "someone had to do it"

In fact the adoption is irrelevant really. Your adoptive father is toxic, just like many real fathers are, that we hear about on here. Get over to the stately homes topic to see that you are in the same boat as many others.

He is abusing you phone the council or women's aid and get help ASAP. I hope you get out of there soon. You owe them nothing, absolutely nothing. Once you leave I would go NC with them

He is an awful and a very abusive man.

You do not owe your adoptive parents anything. Anything. Especially if he didn't care for you!

I have a friend who is adopted, she is in her thirties now with her own flat, her adoptive mum still treats her like shit. She expects her to come out to visit her every day, and if she doesn't, her mum will ring her and say 'but I took you in when you were four years old'.

The mother has also told my friend that she doesn't want her to ever get. married, so she can look after her adoptive mother all her life.

Put yourself first! When you look back at the end of this life, what will you wish that you had done?

Horrendous. That's abuse. I'm so sorry you're having to go through that. I'd definitely go no contact.

connectcounselling.ie/

@JTTJ This organisation has free phone counselling for survivors of childhood abuse.Reading what you have written has made me cry, you deserve someone to just hug you and keep you safe and loved.

They were not good parents but I don’t think this can be attributed to adoption. I lived a similar life but for the opposite reason - because my birth mother kept me.

My mum got pregnant with me very young and was forced into marrying the father. It ended within 2 years leaving her a divorced single mum in the 1960s when there was still a lot of stigma around both those things. She took her fury and despair at her situation out on me, verbally and physically. She later married a man who adopted me and loved me but did not ever stand up for me against her abuse because she was my ‘real’ parent.

My mum was not fit to be a parent and I might have been better off if she’d had me adopted.

I have had a lot of therapy OP and feel so much better for it. It’s certainly made me a better parent. I wonder if it could help you too?

I wasn’t adopted. However I had abusive parents. Somebody had to pay for the embarrassment they felt about producing a disabled child. That person was me. In my early twenties it dawned on me that it wasn’t actually my fault, and so I didn’t need to constantly try to atone for it. When you opt to have children implicit in that is the risk you might get a dud.

The abuse destroyed any prospect of having a relationship as an adult. However apart from that I have had a decent life.

I went completely no contact almost 40 years ago. It’s been tough in a way, but the price for the limited protection they offered was higher than I was prepared to pay.

Walk away, and don’t look back.

OP- i read this with tears in my eyes. NO child should have to go through what you went through and in a way its been a double rejection, first from your birth mother and then from these two. Make no mistake about it- your parents are abusive. BOTH of them. They are abusive parents. It doesnt matter that your mother is old fashioned or traditional, she allowed her bully of a husband to verbally and physically abuse you, a child. They are both at fault. You dont need to feel any kind of responsibility to them or misplaced gratitude because they adopted you. They abused you. The fact they adopted you doesnt make then saints and their behaviour shows very clearly what was in their hearts doesnt it? Thats not love. Thats not how love is expressed.

Please get some support, lots of suggestions in this thread about how to get help. I do think that once you are safe and away from them it would really benefit you to get some counselling to look at all these issues. It is not your fault. I am so very sorry that you never had the parents you deserved and this is not your fault. You were let down by all the adults in your young life and its not ok. Its very far from being ok. You deserve love and you deserve someone to be there for you and to respect you and to care for you. There is a still a chance for you to have that in the adult friendships and relationships you forge now but I would urge you to seek support and counselling to come to terms with your childhood and hopefully mitigate the damage it is still wreaking in your life today. If you get a chance later on I would go no contact with your "parents"- they arent truly parents in any shape or form and you need to get away from them as soon as you can.

Please dont give up hope, you are clearly very strong to have come through all this and there is no reason why you cannot forge good relationships with others around you and make good supportive friendships. You are deserving of love and you are loveable. Please never ever forget that

This situation makes me so angry. Your father for being an abusive piece of shit and your mother for colluding, which is equally abusive in its own way. I'm as angry with my colluding father as with my abusive mother. It's not quite true though that people expect you to be more grateful to adoptive parents. It's a real taboo to criticise your biological parents. You just have to read threads on here from people who had normal parents who say it's your mum/dad you should forgive them/look after them/be understanding/he's probably got Alzheimer's etc.

Please get out of there as soon as you can. You really don't owe these people anything. Get some counselling as soon as you can afford it. Counselling for adoption is a specialist area, so counsellors need additional qualifications and training.

Read all these replies again. You've got everyone in Mumsnet behind you.

Dear op when this pandemic is over and you have some money please invest in a good therapist, in the long run this will make your life so much happier as lots of us on here have had to have therapy, it’s a rocky journey to Accept that your childhood was abusive and even longer journey to really deep down accept that you deserved better and are worthy of love and respect

On a separate note it’s sad they your birth mother wasnt interested at your first meeting ( worth making contact once more now youre older just to make sure, she may have been having a bad time, maybe) does she have any other relatives that you could make contact with? I know someone who had a very disappointing experience of meeting their birth mum but got on fantastic with a birth (half) brother, they would not be a replacement family but it could be nice ?

Lastly, I have “ coerced “ my partner into having kids he Would not had chosen to have ordinarily and he has struggled with being a reluctant father, during the stress of lockdown I have had to gently remind him to stay patient and not be to quick to scold and to praise more, but he has never ONCE ever been abusive or anything close . I love my partner dearly for allowing me to be a mum and for being an awesome dad lockdown has made me realise how fantastic he really is, you deserved to have that kind of dad rather than the nasty one you got I’m sorry your childhood was bad

Please let us know how you get on I hope housing and abuse charities can help you

I’m sorry that you’re having to deal with this on top of having lost your job, which must feel awful. I hope things pick up for you soon because you deserve so much better. I don’t normally do hugs but I’m sending you one anyway.

it’s a sad story. As you mentioned you would like a range of opinions so I hope mine comes across as well meaning.

It’s a sad story but not necessarily one without a sad end. You seem to have addressed some of the issues and trauma you have experienced and now trying to work through things which you have identified yourself - might be holding you back.

Firstly “owing” someone is simply a strong cultural belief which we should try and shake off and we slowly are in other areas: Like “owing” your employer for giving you a job.

Secondly, this feeling of owing comes from the belief that had they not adopted you, your life would have been awful. But that’s not necessarily the case- we simply don’t know if your life would have been better or worse if you had been adopted by another family or remained in foster care until of age. You seem caring and lovely, despite the awfulness of your adopted parents - I’m sure you have come across decent people in school or socially, and this would have been the same had they not adopted you and you had lived a different life.

To move forward I get the impression that you want to move on without them, either with confrontation (for some closure) or without. That is I think what you have to decide on.
On a personal note, I have since the age of 12 considered and thought about confronting my biological father, for many years. When I heard of his passing at the age of 30ish, this need had subdued and I think it’s mainly down to the time passing and me having so many other experiences. For you it might feel like confrontation will allow you to move on, and that is perfectly ok. Just remember that you cannot control what others do or say: and also moving on is a process over time which ebbs and flows with grief, it’s not shutting a door.
I wish you all the best

That's awful. Do they still foster? They need reported. She's just as bad as him for allowing it. No wonder you can't stand them.

Such a sad post op. You sound like a lovely, caring person and it is they who should be grateful and privileged to have a daughter like you.

I am adopted myself. My dm was not easy, well known for being "tricky" as she was described within the family but I never suffered like you. She was emotionally distant, selfish and childlike but never cruel.

I traced my birth mother and all I will say is that I am glad I was adopted unlike you. I imagine you must feel unwanted by your adopted parents and your birth mother. Do be careful about going down the birth mother path because mine rejected me three times over. She said she did not want her other children (two) to know about me because they would think less of her. I later found out that her other dd had not spoken to her for thirty years. Out of three children, only one is now accepted.

Strangely, I now bring up my two grandsons. My own dd (I have two) had them very, very young and just did not cope. We have them on a residence order and they are now teenagers. I am 58 now and it is sometimes hard. But I try to do my best for them. I see them as a blessing and son I never had. I just wish their parents would have been better for them.

Yours is a horrific story and it is clear you have kept this in. Please, please get away from these people when lock down is over or sooner if possible. You sound so eager to please and I feel worried for you. I wish you the best op.

You don't owe them anything.
It was their choice to adopt you. They should have loved and cherisd you they broke that contract. He abused you and she failed to protect you. They don't deserve to be called your parents and they don't deserve you.
If there is anywhere else you can go please do. If not just try and kerp out of their way until lockdown is over. Then cut ties at least with him
You deserve much much more.

You owe them NOTHING. They sound disgusting, both of them. As soon as you can, leave them to their miserable lives and go and find happiness & peace. I wish you luck & love.

I am so angry that our adoption services put you at such risk. These people were not fit.

Have you read Lemn Sissay’s book My Name Is Why ?

The lack of secure love and support is compounded by the damage done if a transracial adoption is not handled with awareness, too. My DCs are mixed race, I am white, and I am aware that they have a different experience in life from me because if that. They are my bio kids, but the constant ‘they don’t look like you” reaction (in many manifestations, not usually said like that) was a constant refrain. It has an insidious impact. A constant subtle question :”do you really belong?”.

OP, I hope the reactions here let you know that there is a world in which you do belong and are welcomed with love and respect.

Lots to sort out practically, but please do get counselling support when you can find the space and time.

You need to get out. You are probably a bit depressed (redundancy will do that).
But try to find a way out.
Do you have friends?
Apply for jobs, there are people taking people on - even now, some are just for the "duration" but some kind of job is better than none. And if you have a blip in your CV it is very easily explained: "When Coronavirus hit I was made redundant, so I took a job where I could be helpful in the interim".
And do whatever you can to get out.
Do talk to your GP - try to get a telephone appointment timed for your daily walk. Tell them what you said here. They can get your telephone counselling and may be able to put you in touch with other services that can help.

Good luck you desrve better.

To echo what others have said, you do not owe them a thing. Anything they have done for you is completely negated by the fact that they abused you. Of course you have no way of knowing, but your childhood might have been infinitely better in foster care or having been adopted by someone else, so the idea that you should be grateful to them for this sorry excuse for parenting you is absurd. The people who have suggested that to you are not your friends. I hope you can contact the council, women's aid, refuge etc and find somewhere else to go as soon as possible. Do everything you can to not let these horrible human beings have any more influence over your life.

Can only agree with what's been said, all children adopted or otherwise are a gift and it is the parent's responsibility to love and care for them. Your children don't owe you anything just for being your children - it's the parent that should be grateful for having them in their lives! It doesn't sound like they did you a favour by adopting you OP and you certainly don't owe them anything. It sounds like you were the victim of child abuse. I would contact charities or council like you said, and seriously consider NC after all of this. It can be hard to break away but I'm sure that you'll find the family and friends to love you and care for you like you deserve.

I am so sorry, OP. He is a sadistic, cruel, abusive man. Your mother is not a good person for making no effort to protect you. You do NOT owe them anything. Nobody should feel grateful for being treated abusively. You didn't ask for any of this. Hugs xxx

I have adopted friends, and friends and relatives who have adopted. I was brought up by people other than my parents. This is appalling and you owe them nothing.

Your adoptive father is a monster to have treated you like this x