To just hate myself and know I’m going to be fat and disgusting forever.

[Soapytoad]

My weight has always fluctuated. I’ve never been thin, I’ve always been a bit fat and at 5’9 I think that 11 1/2 - 12 stone is the lightest I’ve been In adulthood. Currently I’m around 15 stone. I say “around” because I don’t own scales as I get so hung up and depressed about it that it’s just simply not good for me. I go by some clothes clothes I wear, so I know I’m currently very top end.

I’ve been on and off ADs for the last few years which hasn’t helped because they make me fat. I’m now in my mid-40s and so my metabolism is completely screwed. I look about 60 though and my body is revolting. Really disgusting. I just want to hide away. I’m currently coming off them again because this aside things are actually ok. But I know I’ll be left with a fat ugly worthsless, body.

I hate my body. And I mean I HATE my body. It’s a disgust and I know people definitely judge me for it. My kids make fun of me sometimes because they know it gets to me.

I just don’t know what to do, I have no will power. Although I don’t sit and eat crappy food all day, I have a bag of crisps and a bit of chocolate so it’s obviously enough to do damage. I don’t think my portions are massive but clearly I’m going wrong somewhere. But I just can’t resist it. I’m pathetic with no will power at all! I can’t say no, and it’s another reason why I despise myself so much.

I have had successes with 5:2 and once lost about 20lbs on it. I would like to go back on it but because I’m a miserable weak willed pathetic waste of human skin, I know I’ll just fail again.

Obviously lockdown isn’t going to help. I make sure I walk/run 5km a day. I’m not sure I have the time to go further between working and looking after the kids during school time and then doing the evening meal. Perhaps I should add another 5k on at the end of the day. I know it’ll knacker me out but hopefully I’ll get used to it.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I really do despise the way I look. I’m now at an age when there’s not much going back anyway but it’s hard to make the most of what you”have” when you’re a disgusting, ugly, monster. As the years pass my self-hatred gets more and more.

I used to hit myself not long after having DS1. It sounds pathetic but I’d stand in front of the mirror and hit myself in the head and tell myself I was worthless. Thankfully it kicked me into several stone and eventually that level of intensity stopped.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this and looking like this. I’ve ducked my body completely and I know it’ll be impossible to ever be “slim”.

Not sure why I am posting in here but I hoped to hear some success stories. How do you succeed? How are you not such a pathetic wretched fuck up forever? I know being mid-40s as a woman means you’re invisible and grumpy now anyway. How do you accept it? I wasn’t unattractive in my youth despite being a fat piece of shite, but now I realise those days are long gone and I’ll never be confident in my own body again.

I’m also just waiting for the day that DH finally realised how bad I am and leaves. He says he won’t but I don’t believe him. I’m prepared for it so it’s ok, I know I’ll cope on my own but at the same time I know ow I’ll spend the rest of my life very lonely because no one else would touch me.

I guess I just feel a bit lost and sad about it all.

Shit that’s long, I’m really sorry.

I think your being so hard on yourself.

I think if your kids are making fun of you. You should have a chat to them about not to make fun of people. Hope you feel better about yourself

Thank you for your kind words, but I honestly assure you everything I’ve said is 100% true.

I think you need to seek counselling. I say this in the kindest way, but you obviously hate yourself, and that needs fixing.

Your body shape isnt you in your entirety. You are so many other things, positive, good things. You need to start seeing them.

I really feel for you if this is the way you honestly see yourself.

Please get some professional help, or start to look up some exercises you could do to start seeing the positive things in you.

Your husband can tell you he loves you to the moon and back but you need to start learning to love yourself or you will just keep sabotaging all the good in your life.

Thank you Miss Happy. They’d never say it to anyone else! It’s my eldest who is the worst culprits he always makes comments and then says he’s “joking”. But I know he isn’t. He wouldn’t say it otherwise! I am horrible and enormous.

I don’t think I need counselling! I know what I am, I just desperately need to find an answer to k ow how to make it better.

I do have positive qualities I guess, but they really aren’t important compared to this. This is what people judge you by not anything else!! I’m an embarrassment and I know it.

Being fat does not make you a bad person OP. It's not a reflection on your personality, or whether you are a good friend, a hard worker, or generally a person that people want to spend time with.

I know because it's visible you feel it's front and centre all the time. But other people don't look at you and see a monster, I promise you. The way you talk about yourself is really sad. Can you think about getting counselling or therapy? That level of self hatred must be so difficult

I think hitting yourself would suggest you do need therapy. I do struggle with my weight and body image but I know it can be under control in a few steps...it's just doing those steps!

We all have shitty insecure days, but that you hit yourself sounds awful. Obviously I'm not qualified to judge, but I think a counsellor really would be beneficial. I can't imagine the mental load you are dealing with to hate yourself/your body to that extent.

Also your kids need to be taught about commenting on personal appearances and 'jokes'. That sounds very nasty and I wouldn't accept that from my children, it would hurt me a lot.

Well I don't believe your body is really disgusting or any of those things you have said. I reckon you probably look pretty normal and average. Good on you for walking 5km a day! I'm 5'7 and about a stone lighter than you, I think I look ok, even good most days, even though I 'should' lose 2 stone to look better according to modern beauty standards. A good book is 'health at any size'.

Oh Soapytoad. That was really sad to read. I think you sound like you are being very mean to yourself. Weight isn't everything but if you think it will help you to feel happier within yourself then maybe you could try come up with a plan. Download my fitness pal and figure out how many calories you are having a day, see if you can do some at home exercise, there's loads of stuff on YouTube. I really hope you feel better soon, take everyday at a time. Also you should try start saying nice things to yourself daily. X

I'm sorry. I know what it's like to hate the way you look. I think therapy would help you. Your kids need to be taught very firmly that making those sort of nasty "jokes" is wrong. That doesn't sound nice at all and I'm quite shocked by it.

You're not too old to change the way you look. You're definitely not. But your issues go deeper than that I am sure.

OP, you do need proper support - I think some counselling will really unlock weight loss for you.

Hi OP, I have about 2 stone to lose in order to get back to where I used to be (pre children). I understand how hard it is and the self loathing that comes with it.

I comfort eat. I also have no willpower. This is a very bad combination. I lost weight last summer and then piled it all back on. I then started again in November and had to stop in December as I had an operation and completely fell off the wagon.

I caught sight of myself in the mirror two weeks ago and thought right, I HAVE to do something about this and stick to it.

What has helped me in the past and hopefully will again is the following and perhaps it will help you too: massively reduce alcohol intake or preferably cut it out all together. Don't keep chocolate in the house. I love bread and will happily gorge myself on it with my dinner, I've cut this out completely. Reduce the amount of carbs you have with dinner and replace with a salad. Increase water consumption. Fasting works well too, 18:6 if you can manage it.

Don't deprive yourself completely, if you're anything like me you will just end up spectacularly falling off the wagon in desperation and then you're right back where you started.

For instance, tonight, I shared a pizza with DH and had a salad with it. Whereas before I would have eaten the whole thing to myself with a massive plate of chips and then a bag of giant chocolate buttons for pudding

I honestly believe it's ok to have 'bad' food, but it has to be in moderation. Portion sizes are key too. Exercise is great and obviously important but I do believe that diet plays a bigger part in weight loss.

Ultimately it comes down to sheer willpower. It's SO hard and I've let myself down time and time again. But hopefully this time I will stick to it.

Good luck OP.

That has made me so sad to read your post, OP. Please don't be so hard on yourself, I am sure you would never talk about anyone else being worthless and disgusting because of the way they look? Would it help to think of family you love or have loved in the past? I don't expect you loved them for their looks or how slim they were! My dear Nan died when I was a young adult and I loved her so very dearly and would give anything to see her again, this has absolutely nothing to do with her size or appearance, I just loved her as a person.
We all lose our looks as we get older! I don't mean to be dismissive when it is obviously something that bothers you so much, just trying to explain that to me and I'm sure to most people, it doesn't matter what someone looks like.

Have you been checked out medically to see if there is a reason, such as low metabolism caused by underactive thyroid? Set yourself some long term realistic goals such as stop eating crap, cook from scratch and go for a daily walk. Learn to love yourself. What are you good at? What do other people love about you? What do you want to achieve? Get support online, coach to 5k etc. Tell your kid to be kind and not make hurtful comments about you. As we get older our bodies change. Learn to love yourself.

Have you ever thought of a gratitude practice? You start by writing down things you are grateful for that day. I have heard people say things like, 'I am grateful that I have two working arms. I am grateful that I have two working legs,' and so on. Your body is amazing, it keeps you alive every day!
I'm mid forties too and am loosing weight. It has left me with some sagging skin. I also have a deep scar across my belly from surgery when I was an infant. I also have odd shaped breasts from breast reduction surgery that went wrong. I have also felt, 'invisible.' However, I have come to like my soft, squidgy body. It's me, and I accept me. I am my body, but I am also more than my body. I like me. :)
I hope you can find that you like your body too, with all it's working and moveable parts.

I just wanted to second what other posters have said - you might find therapy more beneficial than just another diet recommendation or walking an extra 5k a day. Look on the BACP website - can you find someone who would be able to do some telephone/video counselling sessions, just to help you out of your negative mindset? And I say that as someone in their mid-40s who is also several stone overweight and has zero willpower ... I know it’s hard and depressing, but it sounds like there’s more going on for you? XX

You can change the way you look but I think first you need to change the way you think and feel about yourself. You are a bit overweight as are millions of other people and lots of them manage to attract partners, and compliments, and feel good about themselves.

Would you speak to anyone else about your weight the way you speak about yourself? Would you call a friend disgusting because she had a few pounds to lose? Would you call your husband a monster because he put on some weight on holiday? Of course not because it's not true, its completely disproportionate. I honestly think counselling would really help because its clear you need to change the way you think about yourself before you change anything else. The level of self hatred that is coming through your post is really sad. I wonder if your sons talk about you badly because they are so used to hearing you talk about yourself so badly.

Anyway I wish you lots of luck

My kids make fun of me sometimes because they know it gets to me

What are the consequences of them doing this? Have you ever read them the riot act? Do they lose screen time/whatever?

OP 15 stone at 5 foot 9 .... I bet you look fucking fab
Style your hair, get the lippy and nails on, accessorize and strut your fucking stuff
Google silly things like being bigger and fabulous, or stylish plus size women.
Own it girl. Fucking own it. Life just too short to be literally beating yourself up over anything at all.
Enjoy your food and own your look Mrs.

By the way ... 5k a day ... brilliant!

I’ve never liked my body being told from 13 you’re fat by the woman who brought me up, from 8 does nothing for you, I still hate mirrors, can cope with the bathroom one but none in the bedroom, today I’m 54 still hate my body but have days I don’t care I’m not beautiful. My husband and love each other both have health issues, so for us life is precious.im arthritic now can’t cook like I used too, but we have each other, I ditched the toxic family years ago. Please look after yourself hugs.

Being overweight doesn’t make you any less deserving of a nice life or to be loved OP try accept yourself as you are and the rest will follow . Get some exercise and limit yourself on snacks and portions and try distract your mind from hating yourself with other things . You need to get out the negative self hatred cycle .

@Soapytoad - I have some experience of CBT counselling. Very happy to chat to you on email/phone/video free of charge if you think it would help. (It would - I promise).

You absolutely need more support with your mental health than you do with your weight.

I think lockdown has inclined People’s thoughts to turn inwards and it sounds as those you have had self loathing issues for a long time. These have been amplified by recent events which isn't surprising really as most people's lives have been heavily disrupted.