To just hate myself and know I’m going to be fat and disgusting forever.

[Soapytoad]

My weight has always fluctuated. I’ve never been thin, I’ve always been a bit fat and at 5’9 I think that 11 1/2 - 12 stone is the lightest I’ve been In adulthood. Currently I’m around 15 stone. I say “around” because I don’t own scales as I get so hung up and depressed about it that it’s just simply not good for me. I go by some clothes clothes I wear, so I know I’m currently very top end.

I’ve been on and off ADs for the last few years which hasn’t helped because they make me fat. I’m now in my mid-40s and so my metabolism is completely screwed. I look about 60 though and my body is revolting. Really disgusting. I just want to hide away. I’m currently coming off them again because this aside things are actually ok. But I know I’ll be left with a fat ugly worthsless, body.

I hate my body. And I mean I HATE my body. It’s a disgust and I know people definitely judge me for it. My kids make fun of me sometimes because they know it gets to me.

I just don’t know what to do, I have no will power. Although I don’t sit and eat crappy food all day, I have a bag of crisps and a bit of chocolate so it’s obviously enough to do damage. I don’t think my portions are massive but clearly I’m going wrong somewhere. But I just can’t resist it. I’m pathetic with no will power at all! I can’t say no, and it’s another reason why I despise myself so much.

I have had successes with 5:2 and once lost about 20lbs on it. I would like to go back on it but because I’m a miserable weak willed pathetic waste of human skin, I know I’ll just fail again.

Obviously lockdown isn’t going to help. I make sure I walk/run 5km a day. I’m not sure I have the time to go further between working and looking after the kids during school time and then doing the evening meal. Perhaps I should add another 5k on at the end of the day. I know it’ll knacker me out but hopefully I’ll get used to it.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I really do despise the way I look. I’m now at an age when there’s not much going back anyway but it’s hard to make the most of what you”have” when you’re a disgusting, ugly, monster. As the years pass my self-hatred gets more and more.

I used to hit myself not long after having DS1. It sounds pathetic but I’d stand in front of the mirror and hit myself in the head and tell myself I was worthless. Thankfully it kicked me into several stone and eventually that level of intensity stopped.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this and looking like this. I’ve ducked my body completely and I know it’ll be impossible to ever be “slim”.

Not sure why I am posting in here but I hoped to hear some success stories. How do you succeed? How are you not such a pathetic wretched fuck up forever? I know being mid-40s as a woman means you’re invisible and grumpy now anyway. How do you accept it? I wasn’t unattractive in my youth despite being a fat piece of shite, but now I realise those days are long gone and I’ll never be confident in my own body again.

I’m also just waiting for the day that DH finally realised how bad I am and leaves. He says he won’t but I don’t believe him. I’m prepared for it so it’s ok, I know I’ll cope on my own but at the same time I know ow I’ll spend the rest of my life very lonely because no one else would touch me.

I guess I just feel a bit lost and sad about it all.

The only people who are ugly, are ugly on the inside, treat others badly, are cruel and vicious. And it shows through. I've met some stunningly beautiful (on the outside) ugly people. You're a bit overweight (as are so many of us!) but that doesn't define the kind of person you are. You're a loving mum, and wife, and all sorts of other great things. Try making a list of all your positive attributes, I bet there are tons. I'm good at listening, I'm brilliant at crosswords, I'm a good cook, I do everything with passion, I'm loyal etc. Add to it, and collect compliments, write them down if it helps. And then when you feel awful, you can remind yourself of the reasons you're great.

And your husband loves you, don't push him away by constantly asking for reassurance (which is what you are doing when you say I know you will leave me eventually and I'm on with that). It's needy and what children do, and it's not fair on him. Accept his love, because you are worthy of it.

Reading this made me feel very sad. I have struggled with my weight over the years and I know the feeling that goes, "I hate myself, I want change NOW, I must fast and punish myself NOW to feel better."

Thing is, that's not true. It's actually the small things that will make a difference. That and consistency. Far better to eat just a little better every day than to fast and binge and fast and binge and for things never to change... or get worse.

My advice would be to take things slowly. For example, this week commit to drinking a pint of warm water with lemon squeezed into it as soon as you wake up. It will mean you start the day hydrated, you've already achieved something, and who knows, maybe you'll make other good choices today. The following week you should keep doing that, but commit to one other small thing; making a pot of soup to eat for lunch over a few days, or trying a new, healthy recipe, or swapping chocolate one evening for berries and Greek yoghurt, or just flossing your teeth every night. It doesn't have to be food-related.

Don't skip meals: you're not going to melt away by doing that and you'll just end up feeling ravenous and desperate. If you're hungry and the children need feeding and you've just finished work, have some oat cakes spread with houmous or nut butter, or an apple sliced nicely onto a plate with a chunk of cheese to tide you over until dinner. Don't count calories, just make better choices.

I promise you that by making a few small changes, you CAN make a difference – and fairly quickly, too. You could turn around in a few weeks and find you've unexpectedly lost four pounds, then suddenly it'll be half a stone and you're 1/6 of the way towards your goal. But try not to focus on what you look like, but how you feel. Do things that make you happy every day, like having a bath, buying some flowers to put on the table, painting your nails, stopping to appreciate tea out of your favourite mug.

You're not going to go backwards by doing these things so they're worth a try. You are overweight; you're not a bad person. Don't confuse the two.

I'm so sorry you feel this way OP. It does sound like you might benefit from talking to someone.

In case it's helpful to hear, I too am your height and I'm also overweight. A few years ago at about 15 stone I decided I didn't want to care any more - it was tiring and I was miserable. I stopped comparing myself to skinny women. And I started following lots of body positive women on social media. I also stopped worrying about what I was eating / not eating. This wasn't easy after a lifetime of believing I should be thin. But it freed up loads of mental space. And in time I stopped hating my body. Now I work out more (because I feel good) and eat what I fancy with out feeling guilty. Still overweight. But much, much less hatrid for my body.

I'm so sorry you feel like this about your body. I think you're basically asking for advice about how to lose weight and feel better about yourself not for psychological counselling. Please ignore me if I'm wrong...

Try eating three meals a day for a month, with your family, and nothing else. In those three meals, eat whatever you like until you're full (within reason, ie not cocoa pops for breakfast, but have cereal, a slice of toast a yogurt, chips for lunch if you like, a proper meal and a pudding for dinner). Maybe also a glass of wine with dinner. Lots of veg and fruit at meals. But absolutely nothing else outside those times, not even a piece of fruit, glass of juice / milk etc. I honestly think you will lose a lot of weight like this. I am also 5'9'' and weigh around 9 stone. I don't have an amazing metabolism and do SFA exercise. Gained a lot of weight when pregnant from snacking constantly due to sickness. Snacking is imho a complete waste of time (quite literally), fucks up your sugar metabolism, makes you eat worse quality food (no one ever has broccoli and salmon for a snack), and leaves you in a state of constant unresolved hunger/ anxiety about food.

I'm shorter than you and heavier than you, and while I am certainly fat, I promise you that I am not disgusting. My body is amazing, and so is yours. Bodies are amazing. Try to focus on all the things that your body does for you every single day, rather than just focussing on what it looks like. Try to spend time learning how your body feels when it moves, make it stronger through exercise, feel proud of how much it can do. And also try to find things which do make you feel beautiful - beautiful jewellery or accessories or clothes. A beautiful new haircut when lockdown is over. Beautiful make up.

Write down three things every day that are amazing about you and your body. The more you make yourself do that, the more you will find you can think of.

Your problem is not your size and shape. Your problem at the moment is all in your head, and you can change that.

And honestly, the more you learn to love your body, the more you'll find you want to look after it, to feed it well, to exercise it regularly and so on. But don't start there. Start with getting your head right.

@hopsalong
not asking for psychological counselling.
She used to hit herself in the head.
This is more than a diet and exercise thread.

Hitting yourself.
Thinking yourself a monster.
Calling yourself worthless.
Thinking you're too bad for your DH to want to stay with you.

Sweetheart, you really, really, really need counselling. Those things are lies that you have believed. They are not true.

You are far to hard on yourself.
It is only a shell you are so much more than a number. If it is making you so unhappy try make changes, emotional ones.
I'm sorry you feel so stressed. For a positive spin my Dsis lost 6 stone with SW a few years ago. She kept it off she is 47.

Your kids tease you because they know it gets to you. Well for a start they need to be taught a thing or 2 about respect and compassion. That's the biggest problem.

You are being far too harsh on yourself and putting way too much emphasis on how much you weigh in determining your happiness and self worth.
I’m the same height as you and was 15 stone 7 after having my daughter (and a good while after that) and I thought I looked ok and was happy with my life. I’ve now lost weight and am around 11 stone and fit easily in to a size 10, I exercise quite a lot and I still think I look ok and am still happy with my life.
There hasn’t been any massive changes in my happiness levels, losing a few stone won’t transform how you feel about yourself. You need to change the relationship that you have with yourself, through therapy and self care. You are worthy of love and happiness regardless of your weight and you need to start believing that.

I have days when I feel the same. Since having a baby and heading to 40 my old is much less toned, my skins not as good and I can't eat what I want anymore as I'm gaining weight so easily. I'm finding using my fitness Pal helpful to manage how much I'm eating and I'm trying to motivate myself to do more exercise. Good luck

You are not worthless nor a fat shite OP. Antidepressants amongst other meds have done the same and I have bad days, good days, horrendous days. I know I'm no longer slim nor will I probably ever be again, but I respect my body and what it can do.

You really hate yourself and that is showing. Never saw so much self loathing before. You might need to loose weight but you definitely need counselling. You do know that depression and how you feel reflects on your looks and your body? You also need to have a strong word with your children. They are being very unkind and disrespectful. They shouldn't be making such remarks about anyone let alone their mother who wrecked her body carrying them for 9 months and sacrificing her sleep for them when they were little. My child would never dare to speak to me like that.

So at 5'4" and now 17st7lb I can guarantee I store more pudge than you! 😊
I have no will power and give into temptation but I'll tell you what I Started eating better 2 weeks ago, by no means starving myself but my weight stated at 18st3lb. That's progress. I swapped chips for salad, and started using recommended portion sizes. Dragged my partner in too, he had also lost 6lb. I use my fitness pal to track calories (really helps me to stay on track) I'm only eating 1500 calories a day, but I have 3 full meals and I'm not hungry. My big thing was drinking water I was a coca cola addict! Buying bottled water has helped me drink more!

I don't like what I see in the mirror right now but I can change that and so can you! But I'm still in a place I can put my favourite dress and heels on and feel 1 million pounds! You need to fix that first! Love your body its the only one you have, mine is covered in scars, stretch marks and now tattoos (my coping mechanism!) they way you talk about yourself is so sad. You husband obviously loves you, so do you kids even if they are little shits sometimes.
Be kinder to yourself!

OP I really feel for you but you know you do need some kind of therapy or counselling. I don't want to do any kind of couch professional diagnostic on you but is there something in your childhood or earlier life that has led you to feel so negatively about yourself. For example, alcoholic or narc parent?