To just hate myself and know I’m going to be fat and disgusting forever.

[Soapytoad]

My weight has always fluctuated. I’ve never been thin, I’ve always been a bit fat and at 5’9 I think that 11 1/2 - 12 stone is the lightest I’ve been In adulthood. Currently I’m around 15 stone. I say “around” because I don’t own scales as I get so hung up and depressed about it that it’s just simply not good for me. I go by some clothes clothes I wear, so I know I’m currently very top end.

I’ve been on and off ADs for the last few years which hasn’t helped because they make me fat. I’m now in my mid-40s and so my metabolism is completely screwed. I look about 60 though and my body is revolting. Really disgusting. I just want to hide away. I’m currently coming off them again because this aside things are actually ok. But I know I’ll be left with a fat ugly worthsless, body.

I hate my body. And I mean I HATE my body. It’s a disgust and I know people definitely judge me for it. My kids make fun of me sometimes because they know it gets to me.

I just don’t know what to do, I have no will power. Although I don’t sit and eat crappy food all day, I have a bag of crisps and a bit of chocolate so it’s obviously enough to do damage. I don’t think my portions are massive but clearly I’m going wrong somewhere. But I just can’t resist it. I’m pathetic with no will power at all! I can’t say no, and it’s another reason why I despise myself so much.

I have had successes with 5:2 and once lost about 20lbs on it. I would like to go back on it but because I’m a miserable weak willed pathetic waste of human skin, I know I’ll just fail again.

Obviously lockdown isn’t going to help. I make sure I walk/run 5km a day. I’m not sure I have the time to go further between working and looking after the kids during school time and then doing the evening meal. Perhaps I should add another 5k on at the end of the day. I know it’ll knacker me out but hopefully I’ll get used to it.

I just don’t know what to do anymore. I really do despise the way I look. I’m now at an age when there’s not much going back anyway but it’s hard to make the most of what you”have” when you’re a disgusting, ugly, monster. As the years pass my self-hatred gets more and more.

I used to hit myself not long after having DS1. It sounds pathetic but I’d stand in front of the mirror and hit myself in the head and tell myself I was worthless. Thankfully it kicked me into several stone and eventually that level of intensity stopped.

I’m just so tired of feeling like this and looking like this. I’ve ducked my body completely and I know it’ll be impossible to ever be “slim”.

Not sure why I am posting in here but I hoped to hear some success stories. How do you succeed? How are you not such a pathetic wretched fuck up forever? I know being mid-40s as a woman means you’re invisible and grumpy now anyway. How do you accept it? I wasn’t unattractive in my youth despite being a fat piece of shite, but now I realise those days are long gone and I’ll never be confident in my own body again.

I’m also just waiting for the day that DH finally realised how bad I am and leaves. He says he won’t but I don’t believe him. I’m prepared for it so it’s ok, I know I’ll cope on my own but at the same time I know ow I’ll spend the rest of my life very lonely because no one else would touch me.

I guess I just feel a bit lost and sad about it all.

This sounds daft, but I think you need to Show Love to your body. If you really can't bear to think about the extra padding, pick something like your hand or your nose or your neck and just stroke it for a bit. Get some nice smelling cream or oil and rub it in. Not to make it look better, just because it feels good. Concentrate on doing something positive for your body and make it feel cared for.

As you get used to it you might consider progressing to the bits that make you think "ugh" when you look at them.

Obviously you're not going to lose weight without a calorie deficit but it's amazingly easy to get into a state of mind where you're battling your body and forget that it is actually you. (And I'm not entirely convinced you should be coming off your ADs... )

1. Get therapy. I mean that kindly. You don’t sound like you like yourself, let alone love yourself.

1. Your kids are being nasty. They are picking up on what will hurt you the most and using it to do so. That’s cruel. They need a punishment of some sort.

1. Don’t try to make all the changes at once. Make one, do it for a week, then add another and so on. I’m sure I read that somewhere. You have to make it a habit.

1. Skip the sugar (and sadly that includes booze).

1. Don’t berate yourself for slipping up. So you ate biscuits for breakfast. That’s happened now, you can’t change the past, just hop back on your regime and have the rest of your day without overthinking your slip up.

OP you may have bodydysmorphia, other people may not see you as you see your self.
Your children might be too young to understand the hurt their jokes cause to you, but you could try to explain to them that it is unkind to make fun of other people’s appearance.Not necessarily in relation to you but other people in general, it is just not a kind or helpful thing to do.
If I were you I would try to access counselling to discuss body image and any other underlying issues.
There are people far bigger than you who love and accept themselves,
likewise there are people far smaller than you who despise themselves,
so I think counselling could help you to get to the crux of your unhappiness.

Well I am shorter than you at 5ft 7 and have been fatter at 17 st 7, so that makes me more worthless, ugly and physically horrible. 😁
And I did feel awful, worthless, ugly, enormous etc. I had no mirrors n the house apart from a hand mirror. I could not bear to catch a glimpse of myself n a window reflection. I felt like a distorted bag of fat. I was squeezing into size 22s and lots of stretchy clothes. I would lose weight - lots of weight sometimes, once got down to 10st 4 - but it was up and down.
When I met DH I was about 13 st and he was totally unperturbed by it. Just loved me to bits, all of me. I used to think I had hidden bits from him under the covers ir with a baggy tshirt but I hadn't. I lost another stone and was a size 18 and not unhappy with that.
After we'd been married 4 years I got pregnant with DS1. I was 35 when he was born and somehow had not put much weight on during the pregnancy. It was a turning point. I have suffered depression for years and found being on maternity leave that I needed to get out and do some exercise to keep me ok. I walked miles with DS1 every afternoon. The weight fell off me. Since then I have had two more DC and have kept my weight under control- mainly with walking. I do at least 15000 steps a day and try to eat reasonably healthily. I have put weight n when I had Ds2 but lost almost 3 stone after his birth through walking and healthy eating. I am not scared of my weight any more. I can control it. My BMI is almost 26 and I can live with that. I have a horrible stomach but I can see now not all of me is hideous. I am a size 14 and happy with that.

So can you. You are not hideous , worthless, ugly etc. You are a human with faults, flaws and things that are lovely qualities. Your husband loves you for who you are.
My advice, for what it's worth, is do it one day at a time. Low carb, high protein, bulk meals up with salads or veg. 3 meals a day and don't waste calories on sweets, crisps, high fat food or carbs. Keep up with your walking. Aim for 1200-1500 calories a day.Every day you do it you will feel better. If you have a bad day just put it behind you and do it right the next day. You are tall and weight loss will show quickly. Treat yourself for every few pounds you lose - have your hair done, buy a new top, nice bath stuff. You will be able to lose 21 -28 lbs easily by summer. You can do it.

That was sad to read. I’d love to be your friend and motivator! When I was at my lowest, I had a friend who cheerleadered me back to health and happiness. She encouraged me to see a doctor (invaluable), looked after my son while I went to group therapy, exercised with me.
Start with the gp, you sound low, so maybe not the best time to be off the ad’s. But they could look at changing them if these ones don’t suit.
Are you coming into summer? Easier to eat well? My daughter and I have started having homemade vege soup for lunch everyday (super easy, cheap, yummy), which has zero calories and is filling. She’s also discovered the mug muffin (ww) to start her day.
Do something nice for yourself, nails, overnight hair treatment, face mask.
Take care xxx

@SordidSplendour
Don’t think she’s at that point just yet 👍🏼

At your height and weight I bet you look great. What is your hair like and clothes? Go see a personal shopper and have your bra measured at Bravissimo. Fillers and botox if you want. I can't imagine you look so huge.

Where is this self hate from?

Your feelings about yourself are really harsh and your kids' behaviour is bloody outrageous.

If they said that about a stranger you'd tell them off for being mean and to say it to you is truly awful.

You've had some great advice here, from counselling to practical changes.

Take them to heart.

I could have written this post. No willpower at all, the only way I ever lost weight was when I was too ill to eat :/

I am really sorry to read how you feel about yourself. I went to counselling and it was really one of the best things I have done for myself. It really helped me to find the courage to change things, and helped me to find confidence within myself. My life looks very different to a year ago. Change is possible.

Every time you are being down on yourself you are making a 'negative agreement' that sets of a physiological response in your body and mind that increases stress, lowers your mood- that is basically taking you on a negative spiral. It is very difficult to get out of that without being intentional and seeking help.

If you choose to go to counselling you will be making a positive agreement that you are going to take steps towards change.

I wish you all the best.

sets off

What strikes me about your post is that you have no hope. Even when I'm heavy (I am now) I'm still optimistic that I can transform myself into a lighter, toned version of me.
You do 5k! That's amazing.
I do think you need to dig deeper into your self-loathing. I suspect that even if you were your target weight you would still find something negative about yourself. Or that you would sabotage it because you feel you don't deserve a normal life. Work back OP. Read good self-help books, watch appropriate TED talks. Find enlightenment. No diet will help you like yourself. You have to like yourself in order to be able to stick to a weightloss eating plan.

I promise you OP that the rest of us don't have perfect, skinny, toned bodies - the media shoves images of unnattainable 'perfect' models at us so much that we all end up thinking if we don't look like that then there is something wrong with us! There are tonnes of curvier women out there who are drop dead gorgeous, both inside and out. Your husband clearly loves you, so you must have loads of qualities that make you beautiful as a person inside and outside or he wouldn't feel that way about you. Your feelings about your weight aside, there are other things you can easily do like take really good care of your skin, hair, nails etc - get your complexion glowing, make the most of your eyes, figure out what clothes suit you best and wear things that make you feel lovely. Sometimes it's hard to see the wood for the trees, but it's true that a person who projects charisma can be even more attractive than a person who is conventionally beautiful but has the personality of a waxwork - it is possible to 'fake it until you make it', ie try to project some confidence even if you don't feel it, and the more you do that the more true it will become and people will be attracted to that. We are all our own worst critics but I'm sure if we all met you in person we would notice all your amazing qualities straight away, even if you can't see them. Don't give up on yourself.

This "worthless ugly monster" stuff is ridiculous. There are lots of overweight, middle-aged women. Are they all hideous, worthless people in your mind? Talk about internalised misogyny!

Fat middle-aged women are often the hardest working, kindest, funniest people in our society. Sometimes they are the people who hold everything together. They are creative and brave. Don't be so vicious towards them. The fact that you are one of them is no excuse. Show a bit more respect!

Oh OP you sound so sad and I agree with others about counselling. We all have bad habits and that is a separate thing, but you do need to learn to like yourself. Your DH obviously loves you as you you are....

I was quite attractive when younger and things have deteriorated badly now I'm in my mid 50s. I have put on weight, I have jowls and droopy eyelids, and horrible veins in my legs which my DM also had. I feel really ugly but try to ignore it! Today we were talking about DH's grey hair (he's 5 years younger than me) and my DD said - 'Mum could look like she's in her 40s but you couldn't....'

I was so chuffed! I am lucky that I'm not grey, and I know DD was basing her judgement on that, but she clearly didn't clock the things that worry me all the time! I think we can all get so focused on the things that worry us physically - but others don't even see it!

I'm sorry your children have said mean things and agree that also needs addressing - but kids can easily be tempted into saying things they know will upset you, it doesn't mean they really think it. Or you have given them easy ammunition by saying you think you are overweight. You don't sound that big, have you unwittingly given them an (unkind) thing to pick on?

Anyway - please listen to your DH and try to stop worrying, at least for now. I think we can all relax a bit while on lockdown (you're doing an an amazing amount of exercise, so can enjoy a few treats) , and if you still feel bad later then please talk to a counsellor. But try to cut yourself a bit of slack, you are clearly an amazing person, wife and mum, and you deserve to appreciate yourself!

That was a hard post to read OP - adding to the positive vibes pp have sent to you. Have you looked into Beyond Chocolate? Gives insights into how you view food and body image. Not a diet but a mindset change. Please, please don't ignore your DC making hurtful comments. This shouldn't be normalised and gives them very mixed messages. Take care and please have some flowers which are just for wonderful, unique, fantastic, 5k a day you!

How are you not such a pathetic wretched fuck up forever? I know being mid-40s as a woman means you’re invisible and grumpy now anyway

Fucking hell op you do need counselling if this is really how you feel. It's not normal, whether you are fat, obese or size 6. How you look doesn't matter this much, it really doesn't. Think of the people you most love spending time with and the people society views as the most beautiful, are they the same people? The reality is we are conditioned to think our appearance it what matters but it isn't, it's who you are.

Is it possible your kids say these mean things because of how you portray yourself to them. Do you put yourself down in front of them? Do you show an unreasonable amount of appreciation for beautiful people? When they make mean comments do you discipline them? How do you respond? Teach them that what's in their heart is what matters not how they look and get counselling to sort this out for yourself Your appearance is one small aspect of who you are. Please don't stop taking the anti depressants and seek help for your negative thoughts, this is a symptom of a mental health problem. It's not normal thinking.

Soapy, you sound lovely but very down on yourself. I have felt like this too at times. I am shorter and fatter than you (even after three months of successful weight loss) but have been working on my self-care and self-love practices and have felt a real shift in myself lately.

I did try therapy which was helpful on many levels but what has made quite a huge emotional shift has been practical self-care -- I am doing Weight Watchers and keeping track of what I eat, I am doing gentle exercise that makes me feel happy, I am taking time to have a bath and sit in the sun and treat myself kindly.

Behaving as if I was somebody who loved themselves has had a very positive psychological effect in a "fake it til you make it" kind of way. It felt very silly at the beginning, but I have begun to actually feel like a person with self worth.

If you do end up wanting to pursue a weight loss route (and it's not the only option at all -- google intuitive eating) please do feel free to join this lovely supportive group of Mumsnetters who aim to lose 7 lb a month: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/weight_loss_chat/3867433-lose-7lbs-3kg-per-month-its-the-april-thread?watched=1&msgid=95896844#95896844

I promise you OP that the rest of us don't have perfect, skinny, toned bodies

^^this

I am sitting here in DH’s T-shirt because mine have all got too tight since the lockdown - the washing machine must be playing up, surely! 😝

OP, your post was sad to read, but you also sound lovely and kind and clever. I would be lucky to have a friend like you.

I grew up with all sorts of body issues, both from disfigurement and weight problems, and I still have them now. There are good days and bad days. There are days when I want to wail. But what’s inside matters more. And you matter, regardless of the packaging.

When did you feel happiest in yourself? What were the conditions that supported and enabled this happiness to flourish? Were there habits that scaffolded that feeling??

Also, when I think about the most beautiful women I know, they are all in their 60s, many of them are overweight, all have health infirmities and conditions that affect their appearance, but god, they are stunning and magnificent and beautiful human beings. Pretty sure we can do it too. Love and solidarity to you!

Hurting yourself and flagellating yourself on this thread make you feel like you've "done" something. A quick and easy punishment to sate the self-disgust. I recognise that temptation but it's not the right choice.

Going on a diet and being a bit hungry a lot is going to be a longer and harder form of penance than doing either of those things. But if you can accept and commit to that, you do know what to do and you can do it. You've done it before.

When you get where you want to be, when you're feeling good about yourself 24-7, you won't regret any of those unhappy little 10 minutes when you've decided to to put the chocolate away.

I was slim this time last year but I'm now at the top of my acceptable BMI range and show no signs of naturally stopping (stupid thyroid) so I'm about to embark on this journey myself. Good luck and hopefully see you on the other side.

I totally understand. x

Sweetie, I'm your weight. I can find things to love about my body and about myself and it doesn't drive me to despair.

Think of all the things your body has done - birthed and carried your children, carries you 5k a day, etc.

I think you might benefit from some counselling. 🥗

When you hate your body as much as you do the diets tend to fail as it becomes a form of self harm. Even if you lose the weight your thoughts will still haunt you and you end up binging because you feel not worthy and why even bother as you will still find fault.. Never talk about yourself in a way that you would not talk others. Therapy and learning to respect yourself. Weight fluctuates but self worth should always stay the same. You deserve better than this from yourself and others.