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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you have ASD is your thinking very black and white, do you have a strong moral core, and are you a stickler for rules?

77 replies

SistemaAddict · 23/04/2020 11:30

Posting here for traffic, sorry. It might be better in another topic.

Looking back at my life so far, I have always had very black and white thinking, a strong sense of right and wrong, and am a stickler for rules in general although have broken many in my time and it makes me very anxious. I am always concerned with the potential consequences of any bending or breaking of rules or societally defined morals.

I have ASD and understand it to be potentially linked but haven't looked into it in any depth. I am just wondering if anyone else on here is the same and finding lockdown particularly difficult with all the rule breaking and bending going on (if Mumsnet is anything to go by)? If you do then how do you cope with it?

OP posts:
louise5754 · 23/04/2020 11:36

Yes and people think I'm being funny. That i want my own way or I'm being disrespectful and negative when I point out that's not correct.

For example I've made several posts in the corona section asking for advice and you should seen some replies I've had.

louise5754 · 23/04/2020 11:37

I'm autistic too sorry. I wrote my reply without reading your post and I see you are having similar experiences on here.

tiredanddangerous · 23/04/2020 11:39

Yes, yes and yes. My autistic 12 year old dd is the same too. Very strong sense of right and wrong and what is fair and what isn’t. Complete rule followers who don’t cope well with other people not following the rules.

Difficultcustomer · 23/04/2020 11:42

I definitely need to guard against black and white thinking. I’m also a stickler for rules, maybe don’t use common sense enough if there is a rule.

I don’t know about a stronger moral core than other people. I hope I try to put my moral code into practice. I wouldn’t say it’s stronger or that I’m any better following morals then anyone else.

smallaxe · 23/04/2020 11:44

"do you have a strong moral core, and are you a stickler for rules"

Yes, and everyone thinks it's a quality rather than a curse.

Original poster
SistemaAddict · 23/04/2020 11:46

This makes me feel so much better!
Morals are quite personal in some cases but things like affairs, benefit fraud, illegal activities, I get very uptight about.

I have often been deemed rude for being factual or pointing out that something is not correct.

OP posts:
ofwarren · 23/04/2020 11:53

I'm the same.
I can't lie either as it makes me very uncomfortable so it would be obvious.

Original poster
SistemaAddict · 23/04/2020 11:57

Lying is something I have great difficulty with too and liars give me the rage.

OP posts:
MooseBreath · 23/04/2020 11:57

My DH is autistic and has a strong set of morals, though they aren't necessarily societally "correct". He doesn't away from his opinions and very much lives by the rules he has laid out for himself. He struggles to abide by rules and laws that have "no logic or reasoning behind them".

When told he cannot do something he always asks why, and if he's not satisfied that the answer makes sense, he will genuinely struggle to abide by the rules.

MooseBreath · 23/04/2020 11:58

*stray, not away

picklemewalnuts · 23/04/2020 11:59

Some people get around it when they need to by creating extra categories to expand the choices, IYSWIM. Like X+y=z unless a,b or c.

There are times when the categories are too small, so black and white thinking doesn't work very well.

I'm inclined to similar ways of thinking, and sometimes a bit more subtlety or flexibility is helpful.

BacklashStarts · 23/04/2020 12:01

It depends. In the main I would agree. But it can also lead to high levels of judgementalness. I have also met one person who has a very personal philosophy built around traditional sexist roles and racism so he was very black and white but due to his personal views that led to him being violent towards people who didn’t compile with those racist and sexist stereotypes.

I also think it depends on how black and white as it comes in degrees.

BacklashStarts · 23/04/2020 12:02

I think he’s totally unrepresentative by the way!! In the while I agree with you.

OvaHere · 23/04/2020 12:04

My DH is autistic and has a strong set of morals, though they aren't necessarily societally "correct". He doesn't away from his opinions and very much lives by the rules he has laid out for himself. He struggles to abide by rules and laws that have "no logic or reasoning behind them".

My teen DS is like this. He has a diagnosis but a more atypical presentation than what people might imagine. He has his own 'rules' and is fairly black and white with them but to anyone watching him they'd think he was a rule breaker because he frequently doesn't see the point in rules set by others.

ihatethecold · 23/04/2020 12:14

wow, this sounds just like my son, He is nearly 20 and always been so black and white. he is also very stubborn if he thinks he is right.

Leftque · 23/04/2020 12:19

I'm finding the lockdown particularly hard as it's ruined my routine, both what I eat and what I do, I've had a lot of meltdowns over this.

I tend to abide by my own rules more than societal rules, as some I find pointless, but Im pretty religious about not breaking laws, which I'm becoming obssessed by at the moment in a not particularly healthy way, I put on the wrong shoes for my daily walk and they started hurting when I was just outside my gate so went back in the house to change and then couldn't go back out as that was more than once, even though I knew I was being ridiculous and I live incredibly remotely so I wouldn't of bumped into anyone, in my mind leaving the gate meant I couldn't go out again as I'd been out once, so another meltdown. Basically my obssessive rule following and lack of routine and not being able to eat my safe food, is wrecking my mental health at the moment. So very black and white I guess!

smallaxe · 23/04/2020 12:25

Some people get around it when they need to by creating extra categories to expand the choices, IYSWIM. Like X+y=z unless a,b or c.

I always assumed that was just the way our minds work? No actual sense, just an internal flowchart with new branches that get added when we fuck up.

ofwarren · 23/04/2020 12:33

I agree that some of the "rules" are not necessarily societal rules. I have rules in my head for how I live and what I believe to be correct. I don't follow very many societal rules at all to be honest.
I wouldn't break actual laws but I have a hard time getting my head around why people behave differently to me if I don't see the reasoning behind it.
Social niceties is one of them. I find it hard to understand why people ask how you are if they don't actually expect to hear the answer.

Original poster
SistemaAddict · 23/04/2020 13:07

Maybe that's why a lot of people don't answer when I ask how they are-because they don't think I expect an answer?

I am judgemental. I try not to be but I am. I just try extra hard to keep my judgements to myself so as not to offend people. I often fail.

OP posts:
DefConOne · 23/04/2020 13:12

My DD12 with demand avoidant ASD can follow the obsessively rules at some times but will absolutely refuse if she doesn’t agree with them, or she is having a meltdown and in fight or flight mode.

ofwarren · 23/04/2020 13:16

How do you get on with friendships @bercows? I really struggle.
I don't actually have any friends through choice. I find the demands on my time extremely difficult.
I attempted to make friends with a neighbour but she ended up knocking on my door for chats and messaging me a lot which I really couldn't cope with.
I'm much, much happier without.

Original poster
SistemaAddict · 23/04/2020 13:53

@ofwarren I find I don't really like people very much and don't have any true friends. People are confusing and annoying because of many things but I just don't get them. I've gone NC with most of my family because of the way they've treated me and my awkwardness and unloveableness since I was about 12 but also because they just aren't anything like me, don't like me, and I don't get them. I find people very disappointing.

OP posts:
Gilead · 23/04/2020 13:59

I have a very strong moral code, but I often don't give a damn about rules. I have an ASC diagnosis.

ofwarren · 23/04/2020 13:59

@Bercows very similar to me.
I'm not fully NC but I only really speak to family occasionally on Facebook. My mum and dad live about an hour away and they visit about 3 times a year. I don't visit there more than once a year.
I find people's expectations hard to deal with. If I was to be friends with people I would have to try and act in a different way and I'm fed up of masking. I can't do it any more. I'm happy with my husband and kids and that's all I need.
Before lockdown, the kids did see others socially but the idea of a "playdate" is hellish to me. I'm happy for them to go to their clubs but I don't want to socialise with the parents.

Shemeanswell · 23/04/2020 14:02

I’m ASD & irritatingly moral.

When it comes to rules, I follow them unless they have no logic behind them, then I struggle.

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