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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Brother-in-law and Godchild

72 replies

SweetSouberry · 22/04/2020 14:02

A couple of years ago I posted on here and most people thought I was batshit....but here I go again.

BiL is essentially a nice bloke but mollycoddled by MiL and now with a really nice woman who I don’t really know very well.

I wanted a friend to be DS1’s Godfather but MiL put her fangs into DH and BiL was chosen. He showed no interest in DS1 (or DS2 ) and continues to show no interest unless they happen to actually go up to him.

Well future SiL takes her Godmotherly duties to her own godchildren seriously so last year on three occasions I felt my youngest was ignored and elder one advantaged because he is a Godson. I vented on here about the first occasion and people generally felt I was unreasonable.
Yesterday a parcel arrives with two exquisitely wrapped presents 1 for DH and 1 for DS1 who has just gone 12. Lovely presents. DH was asked to be best man and DS1 asked to be an usher at their wedding next year. The cards were beautifully written and reference to DS being a precious Godson,
We weren’t given any warning. DH and DS1 were hugging each other while DS2 9 just stood there visibly ‘jealous’ but trying to keep dignity,
I am incandescent, DH feels it’s just one of those things and said he would ask for role for DS2 as well but I don’t want them to think we’re needy.

OP posts:

PanicAtTheDiscLo · 22/04/2020 14:04

does your ds2 have GP’s xxx

Actressy · 22/04/2020 14:08

You sound quite mad. You complain that your BIL didn’t show any interest in singling out his godson, and now you’re complaining that he does? It seems the man can’t do anything right.

Crazycrazylady · 22/04/2020 14:14

You sound slightly bonkers OP, "Incandescent-!!! why on earth?
Really sweet that he has asked his godson,

PuggyMum · 22/04/2020 14:14

Irrespective of being a godparent BIL is both DS's uncle and nephew trumps godson. Imagine if BIL had a godson who wasn't family and they got the usher role and nephews were ignored (unless the family wasn't close at all.... but if mil played the family card to make BIL be godfather in the first place then why isn't she playing it now?).

ghostyslovesheets · 22/04/2020 14:14

Who are DS 2’s godparents?

Also at 9 he’s old enough to understand surely that he won’t get a present when it’s not his birthday?

Bingeslayer · 22/04/2020 14:18

Surely being his nephew trumps godson anyway and both nephews should have been included not just the one.

Actressy · 22/04/2020 14:19

@PuggyMum, which may be why he used the godson angle to limit the number of children with wedding roles. For instance, I have five nieces of the right ages to be flower girls or younger bridesmaids. (If I include DH’s nieces, it brings it to nine...) I can entirely see the logic of choosing one on the grounds of something other than them being my nieces.

RhiWrites · 22/04/2020 14:25

My godchild is an only but I think it’s a dick move to send a lovely present to one family child and nothing to the other. Even if I wanted a special role for the godchild, I’d want to send a token to the other child and say “looking forward to seeing you”.

My godparents are my aunts and a family friend and I always thought it unfair my sisters got extra godparent presents and I didn’t!

Inconnu · 22/04/2020 14:27

This is just one of the things about having godparents. My brother always got better presents from his than I did from mine.

Ginger1982 · 22/04/2020 14:29

Hmm...I asked my goddaughter (and cousin) to be my bridesmaid. I didn't provide a role for her brother (obviously also my cousin). DH's youngest niece was our flower girl. Her 3 brothers and DH's other nieces were not given roles. You cant give roles to everyone!

And yes, you're being unreasonable to want special attention for the godson then be 'incandescent' when he gets it. You should not ask for a role for your other son.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 22/04/2020 14:32

This is exactly what I have got against the whole godparent thing. What are the duties of a Godparent? Treats and presents? NO, the duty is to be a back up supporter of a child in the Christian faith, NO MORE.
If you see it otherwise of course you are going to get irregularities for choldren with different views on the role. Did he even want to be a godparent? Did you tell him you expected stuff not bible related? As your your rekationshio with MIL "Got her fangs in" How nice are you? I dont see mucg Christian bahaviour here OP

WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne · 22/04/2020 14:39

I do actually agree with you that it's very wierd to ask one nephew to be an usher and not the other. The godson bit isn't relevant since he's uncle to both boys.

Newjobnewstart · 22/04/2020 14:41

At my wedding my husbands goddaughter/niece was flower girl. Her younger sister was not.🤷🏻‍♀️

CCaK · 22/04/2020 14:43

Are you particularly religious OP?

donquixotedelamancha · 22/04/2020 14:43

BiL is essentially a nice bloke but mollycoddled by MiL

Yes, smothering parenting can really hinder a child's development.

MiL put her fangs into DH and BiL was chosen.

Thanks goodness your sons don't have the sort of mother who gets so invested about whether her sons are chosen for special roles in family events.

Daftodil · 22/04/2020 14:45

Agree with @WhyCantIThinkOfAGoodOne

I do actually agree with you that it's very wierd to ask one nephew to be an usher and not the other. The godson bit isn't relevant since he's uncle to both boys.

OhCaptain · 22/04/2020 14:47

You’re incandescent because you wanted a fuss made of ds1, and then a fuss was made, but it wasn’t the right sort of fuss?

Stop! And no, you shouldn’t ask for a role for your child who will be 10 and old enough to understand.

You are also old enough to understand, by the way.

OhCaptain · 22/04/2020 14:48

I do actually agree with you that it's very wierd to ask one nephew to be an usher and not the other. The godson bit isn't relevant since he's uncle to both boys.

And what if bride has 10 nephews. Should they have 12 ushers?

sonjadog · 22/04/2020 14:48

So first you were upset that he got no attention for being his godson, and now that he does you are upset about that too?

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 22/04/2020 14:49

Hello God? Are you listening?

Paperthin · 22/04/2020 14:49

@Newjobnewstart. Unless she was a toddler or baby I think she might have found that upsetting actually. But your wedding - so you get to choose - I know that.

Starlight1243 · 22/04/2020 14:55

I think yabu sorry but they arent you're dc2 godparents.

NailsNeedDoing · 22/04/2020 14:55

Bil is just doing the traditional thing and including his godson as an usher. It sounds like you wanted him to place more importance on his godparent role than he had done previously, and now that he has you’re not happy about it. You can’t have it both ways.

notthemum · 22/04/2020 14:56

I agree that Godparents are supposed to look after the child's Christian faith. They also used to be the person who may be charged with looking after said Godchild if anything was to happen to the child's parents.
This all seems to have gone by the wayside over the years.
A couple of years ago I sent a text to my goddaughter asking what she would like for birthday and she sent one back saying that I didn't have to give her anything. I asked what her other godparents were giving her and she said they never bothered. I will be continuing gifts as long as I can afford to. I don't give gifts at all to her much older siblings and don't think I have even met them.

Hoppinggreen · 22/04/2020 15:02

DH is a Godparent to a friends son, he (I) send things at bdays and Christmas but I always send a little something for his younger brother as well

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