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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Brother-in-law and Godchild

72 replies

SweetSouberry · 22/04/2020 14:02

A couple of years ago I posted on here and most people thought I was batshit....but here I go again.

BiL is essentially a nice bloke but mollycoddled by MiL and now with a really nice woman who I don’t really know very well.

I wanted a friend to be DS1’s Godfather but MiL put her fangs into DH and BiL was chosen. He showed no interest in DS1 (or DS2 ) and continues to show no interest unless they happen to actually go up to him.

Well future SiL takes her Godmotherly duties to her own godchildren seriously so last year on three occasions I felt my youngest was ignored and elder one advantaged because he is a Godson. I vented on here about the first occasion and people generally felt I was unreasonable.
Yesterday a parcel arrives with two exquisitely wrapped presents 1 for DH and 1 for DS1 who has just gone 12. Lovely presents. DH was asked to be best man and DS1 asked to be an usher at their wedding next year. The cards were beautifully written and reference to DS being a precious Godson,
We weren’t given any warning. DH and DS1 were hugging each other while DS2 9 just stood there visibly ‘jealous’ but trying to keep dignity,
I am incandescent, DH feels it’s just one of those things and said he would ask for role for DS2 as well but I don’t want them to think we’re needy.

OP posts:
GnomeDePlume · 22/04/2020 15:15

As others have said, this is the problem with godparents. I remember DB1's godmother sent him a substantial cheque for his 21st birthday present. My godmother would send me a 25p postal order for my birthday. It's the luck of the draw.

JudyCoolibar · 22/04/2020 15:17

Stop! And no, you shouldn’t ask for a role for your child who will be 10 and old enough to understand

But he has a role as BiL's nephew, and it really is quite cruel to ignore him totally. I wouldn't dream of doing that to my nephews, irrespective of any status as godparent.

HedgehogHotel · 22/04/2020 15:21

would have thought they'd both be asked to do something as they're both a reasonable age to do so and both his nephews. nothing to do with being a godparent...

Theweasleytwins · 22/04/2020 15:21

I have 4 God parents
I see one regularly (she is my second cousin and super awesome)
One is my uncle, haven't seen him in 5ish years, another second cousin who I haven't seen for 10+ years
And one of my DMS friends, haven't seen him in 15 years (also apparently he is a she now)

Really it's not an important position

MikeUniformMike · 22/04/2020 15:22

@SweetSouberry, are you a Christian? Are the children Christian?
If not, why the godparents?

If you are, then I think you might need to forgive them for not living up to your expectations and for disappointing DS2.

Being a godparent isn't about gifts, but if I were 9 yrs old, I would find it unfair. I'm not 9 yrs old, and I can imagine his disappointment

Summersunandoranges · 22/04/2020 15:26

It doesn’t matter who is a God son or not. It’s pretty shitty to send one kid something and not the other.

He’s nine. Life doesn’t have to about the school of hard knocks at that time.

I’d actually message her and ask her not to do that again.

SeasonFinale · 22/04/2020 15:38

Surely DS2 has a godfather too who treats him differently to DS1 from time to time. I am sure you could have explained that to DS2.

champagneandfromage50 · 22/04/2020 15:39

Your DH and DS1 were hugging each other after receiving lovely gifts after being chosen for key roles at the BIL wedding? I find that odd behaviour from your DH and his lack of concern for his younger DC is rather bizarre.

MikeUniformMike · 22/04/2020 15:39

@Summersunandoranges, I agree with you.

The number of people I know who are so proud of being godparents but insist they are atheists makes me despair.

Witsend101 · 22/04/2020 15:46

Tbh I would ignore the Godparent element of this and be upset about the fact that he has treated his 2 nephews differently.

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 22/04/2020 15:50

Gosh you sound hard work. It's perfectly fine for them to choose their godson to have a role at their wedding and a 9-yr-old can easily understand that they are different people and don't get treated exactly the same in every situation. In fact, I'd hazard a guess that there are games/films/friends that DS1 is allowed and DS2 isn't.

I am actually hoping this is a joke. Who really counts and tallies interactions to the extent they can type 'there were three occasions' without any hint of self-awareness that they may seem both petty and batshit?

Plus your DH picked the godparent. You shouldn't have agreed if you were going to use it to try to score points for the rest of your DCs' lives.

HandfulofDust · 22/04/2020 15:51

I would never choose one niece and nephew to have an important role and not another (unless they were massively different ages perhaps). It's never happened in my family either.

totallyyesno · 22/04/2020 15:51

Am I missing something? It was DS1's birthday so why would DS2 get a present? Does he get a present on his birthday?

ChristmasCarcass · 22/04/2020 15:52

I wouldn’t worry, I expect as soon as SIL has her own child she will go back to ignoring DS1 as well.

BlingLoving · 22/04/2020 15:53

This is why I didn't want BIL as DS' godfather. Because a godparent ignoring the other child is one thing, but an uncle ignoring the other child is another. So I sympathise.

Personally, as a godfather, BIL is clearly stepping up but he's still a shit uncle. As future SIL seems a bit more in tune, can't you say something about how pleased you are that they're including DS1 but that DS2 is feeling sad not to have a good relationship with his aunt and uncle?

Slugalugs · 22/04/2020 15:59

I get you OP. One of my children had a godparent who was very inconsistent (forgot most birthdays) and would make up for it with what seemed to me an excessively generous cash gift on random occasions. And that would have been fine, but it was only ever the godchild who was given a present or a card. Another godparent (who had very little money) sent mostly cards – quite often, not just birthday ones - and tiny, pocket-money type cash gifts equally to the godchild and the other.

The first godparent caused awful, awful problems between the children, to such an extent that I dreaded making the favoured one write thank-you letters because it brought the whole subject up again and really upset the other child. The second godparent (sadly long dead now) got it just right.

Naive maybe, but it would never occur to me to treat one child in a family differently because one was my godchild and the other wasn’t. Presumably the family would be close friends anyway or the godparent wouldn’t have been chosen, and in your case they actually are family too. (If only one of mine had been chosen to be a bridesmaid for this reason there would have been WW3 in our house!!)

TheMagiciansMewTwo · 22/04/2020 16:00

I would never choose one niece and nephew to have an important role and not another (unless they were massively different ages perhaps). It's never happened in my family either.
And that's fine for your family which is presumably rather small but we have no idea of the size of the bride's family.
In our family it would be impossible to have everyone so usually one representative from each branch of the family is asked to do something (if it's a big wedding). Otherwise only certain people are asked.
Hence why I find it bizarre that there is this expectation that everyone has to have a role and they need to be equally important.

jamcircuit · 22/04/2020 16:03

I’ve always thought it was a bit of a disaster waiting to happen to have a family member as a godparent for just this reason. You are creating a relationship with an uncle where one of your children is more important than the other.

Either William And Kate or Harry and Meghan had one twin as a bridesmaid and not the other twin because one twin was a godchild and the other wasn’t.

HandfulofDust · 22/04/2020 16:04

@TheMagiciansMewTwo

NO my family isn't particularly small but we manage to find small roles for kids - it's not like they're going to be giving big speaches are they? I've never heard of making one brother a big part of the wedding and not the other (unless as I said one was a baby/toddler and the other was 10).

Summersunandoranges · 22/04/2020 16:05

totallyyesno yeah you should prob read the actual OP

Nancydrawn · 22/04/2020 16:05

donquixotedelamancha: quite.

MontysOarlock · 22/04/2020 16:11

Turn this into a positive, you and Ds2 get to be a little team together at the wedding.

If anyone asks why Ds2 is not in the wedding party you simply say that Ds1 is BIL's godson.

You are wasting your life with keeping tally and pointscoring. You need to let it go and move on. You and your Dh made the choice to have BIL as a Godfather 12 years ago. You need to live with that decision.

My Godfather has never got me anything, ever, and we all were devout Catholics including him! This isn't about gifts and treats.

Jux · 22/04/2020 16:12

My brothers and I had different godparents. My elder brothers sent fabulous presents (they were in hte diplomatic service and sent to all sorts of exotic places) until he was about 12;.

My little brother's gps were also attentive; lived in many exciting places (Army). Lovely exciting presents; involved with him all his life.

My gps occasionally sent me a prayer book or a saint picture card to use as a bookmark in the prayer book.

Sometimes one child gets something nice and the other doesn't. That's what happens in life. Your ds2 will feel a lot better if you don't make it a 'thing'. Just maybe do something nice just for him sometime around the day itself.

champagneandfromage50 · 22/04/2020 16:13

hmmm i didnt pick up that the gift for DS1 was a birthday present? The OP implied that her DH and DS1 both received lovely presents which I thought related to the wedding?

Toddlerteaplease · 22/04/2020 16:16

This is exactly what I have got against the whole godparent thing. What are the duties of a Godparent? Treats and presents? NO, the duty is to be a back up supporter of a child in the Christian faith, NO MORE.

This