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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister right to be upsets with me?

62 replies

Kyliesgoldshorts · 21/04/2020 22:01

My dsis got married last August and left her and her daughters bouquet of flowers at the grave of our grandmother who died 15 years ago. The flowers were still there at Christmas and had gone bad. I left them there and placed my own Christmas wreath.
The 1st Feb was our grandmothers birthday. I went to place flowers and the Christmas wreath and now badly rotten decomposing wedding bouquets were still there.
I know our large family would have visited on the birthday so I removed all dead flowers cleaned up leaves and twigs lying around from the winter and placed a fresh new bouquet of flowers. Before I binned the wedding flowers I took a couple of personal things from them to give to my dsis.
Two days ago I remembered I hadn’t told my days and mentioned to her that I forgot to tell her on granny’s birthday I placed fresh flowers and removed all dead/decomposing ones but kept a sentimental thing from her wedding bouquet and her daughters bouquet. My dsis went mad at me and was upset saying I shouldn’t have removed them. She wasn’t wanting them taken away her. It was a personal thing and I shouldn’t have interfered.
So up until lockdown she has not been to the grave. Even on the birthday (I was there at 8.30 as I had a meeting that day which meant I wasn’t able to go by afterward as I’d be home too late)
She said she goes regular and is v v upset that I took her wedding bunch away. But unless I told her she still wouldn’t have known. If she was so upset and angry I removed them why hasn’t she asked who did it? She only found out because I told her I took them away and kept the sentimental thing which i will give her lockdown is over.
I know she would have been upset to see them decomposed/wet/rotten and thought I was avoiding this upset of her seeing them and thought I did a kind thing keeping the sentimental thing to give her as a keepsake. She is not answering my calls, replying to messages despite reading them. I can’t apologise anymore and have had a couple of sleepless nights feeling awful. I just wanted the place to look nice and well attended to to family visiting on the birthday. My sis can be very attention seeking and likes to make a big deal of things.
Am I in th wrong should I have left them there or is she being over dramatic?

OP posts:
ThanosSavedMe · 21/04/2020 22:03

Leave her to it. She’s being a drama queen.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/04/2020 22:03

Your sister is being ridiculous. Ignore her.

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 21/04/2020 22:03

She’s being an attention seeking pratt.

user1493413286 · 21/04/2020 22:04

I think she’s being over dramatic; fair enough she didn’t want you to take them but you did it with the best of intentions and she doesn’t need to go quite so far in making you feel bad

Windyatthebeach · 21/04/2020 22:05

If you had left them all rotten bet she still would be complaining op..
Leave her to it...

BelfastNonBlonde · 21/04/2020 22:06

Yah she’ll get over it. Don’t pander to her any more.

Clevererthanyou · 21/04/2020 22:06

Your sister is a dick for behaving like this. Does she usually pick fights?

CoffeeRunner · 21/04/2020 22:07

But, I assume, eventually whoever maintains the cemetery/graveyard would have thrown the whole lot away anyway?

Cheesypea · 21/04/2020 22:07

Your sister sounds like a prat

JKScot4 · 21/04/2020 22:09

So she’s probably not been to the grave since she put the bouquets there and thought leaving manky rotting flowers was appropriate??
Each time you visit you clear up and replace as you have done.
Your sisters a twat.

amber763 · 21/04/2020 22:10

She's ridiculous. You weren't wrong at all

Chickychoccyegg · 21/04/2020 22:10

ignore her, do not apologise again, she's being a massive drama queen

PinkiOcelot · 21/04/2020 22:10

She’s being bloody ridiculous! She preferred to leave dead, rotten flowers on the grave?
I wouldn’t be ringing her or leaving any more messages, other than telling her to grow up!!

Original poster
Kyliesgoldshorts · 21/04/2020 22:12

@Clevererthanyou
Not pick fights per se but as the youngest she does turn on the tears and is emotional often.
I’m quite to the point and deal with things and she sometimes says I can be a bit cold for not showing emotions. I do but I’m just personal and private I keep things for when I am home to mull over.
We are usually very close and I’m the closest to her in all my family.

OP posts:
Veterinari · 21/04/2020 22:12

Leaving rotten flowers makes your grandmothers grave look uncared for.
You did the right thing

Original poster
Kyliesgoldshorts · 21/04/2020 22:14

@CoffeeRunner my point exactly - I said to her that she is lucky I kept the sentimental things as the council usually christmas things away by end jan.

OP posts:
AmelieTaylor · 21/04/2020 22:15

I'm the soppiest, most sentimental, overly attached to things like that, that you could ever imagine! & I think she's being ridiculous! So you can be certain that you're in the right & she's in the wrong!

No one wants rotting flowers left indefinitely
aintaining/putting fresh flowers on there.

Just get her told.

CelestialSpanking · 21/04/2020 22:18

She’s being ridiculous about it stop pandering to her. It was lovely that she put the wedding bouquets on your granny’s grave but nor if she actually planned to leave them there to go manky for months afterwards.

JustOneMoreStep · 21/04/2020 22:22

I think you did the right thing. I hate to see graves with badly decomposing flowers on, it seems more unloved than a grave with nothing on. My sister has removed things I've left on our Dads grave and I've taken things she's left. I returned something to her shortly before lockdown actually that is sentimental between her and Dad. She was grateful that I had 'tidied up' and I fully expect she will return the item to the grave when she next takes flowers having given it a wash/clean.

Mustbethewine · 21/04/2020 22:23

YANBU for removing the flowers. I would have done the same!

1Morewineplease · 21/04/2020 22:23

Just remind her of how her bouquet got manky after all this time and that you are being respectful by ensuring that your grandmother’s grave looks lovely.
Tell her that if there were a couple of things ( whatever are still worthy) that she wants there then she can put them there.
I suspect she may not bother to.

OoohTheStatsDontLie · 21/04/2020 22:24

So she wanted your grans grave to be covered in slimy bushy brown flowers from many months ago? Would that have been fair to the rest of your family that visit, or you? Surely if she was bothered she would have visited in the interim? I'd stop feeling guilty and leave her to her tantrum

CrazyTimesAreOccurring · 21/04/2020 22:25

She wanted you to leave a dead, rotted lot of flowers on your nan's grave? How utterly disrespectful of her. Would she have given your nan a rotten bunch of flowers when she was alive? Of course not. So why did she think it was appropriate to leave them there 'for your nan'?
Silly woman

HedgehogHotel · 21/04/2020 22:26

Your sister's being a knob.

Ignore her and stop chasing her to talk to her about it. Don't encourage the ridiculous drama.

amy85 · 21/04/2020 22:27

I would have got rid of the flowers back in December...yanbu at all...leave your sister to it