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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if it’s normal to care more about friends than family

61 replies

Takemebackto · 21/04/2020 21:04

My ds2 22 admits that he cares more about his friends than us. I’ve never cared more about friends than family as obviously they are a part of me and have been with me my whole life.the friends he cares more about are not childhood friends but friends he’s known for about three years. Is this unusual?

OP posts:
stickygotstuck · 21/04/2020 21:10

Is have thought this is more common in adolescence. At 22 I would expect him to start taking a wider view -

I think you take family for granted because you think you can afford to (they'll always be there and all that). It's easy to forget that it takes two to tango, even with family.

Aulwan · 21/04/2020 21:10

Normal for that age. But it will change as he gets older. Well that's how it was for me and I think most of my friends.

aupresdemonarbre · 21/04/2020 21:11

I would take it with a pinch of salt. Just concentrate on your relationship with him. Unfortunately our jobs as mums is to love our kids even as they grow up and further from us. I’m sure he loves you.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 21/04/2020 21:12

That’s what I’m thinking. Friends go in and out of your life.

OP posts:
Sally872 · 21/04/2020 21:12

I think 22 is a self centred age. I am not surprised he thinks that. Rude to say it out loud, was he trying to be hurtful?

TitianaTitsling · 21/04/2020 21:20

Well it depends on what your family are like. I'm definitely closer to and have better support from friends than my family, and I'd say that my friends treat me with more care and respect, so l would say l care more for my friends.

BarbedBloom · 21/04/2020 21:21

I am much closer to friends than family. I think it depends on your family. At that age though I think that is fairly normal

Original poster
Takemebackto · 21/04/2020 21:24

I’ve done a lot for him. As have his siblings.

OP posts:
TacosTuesday · 21/04/2020 21:26

I probably would have thought the same at a similar age and to a bit older. I was living away, exploring independence/freedom and pretty self absorbed! Changed as I got older, and hopefully am more considerate! I think probably down to taking parents for granted-you don't realise the value of what you have.

GlummyMcGlummerson · 21/04/2020 21:26

Has he just got out of Uni by any chance OP? I always find people view Uni friends as extended family, they were together when away from home and shared 4 years of being fun, care free and pissed half the time. Yet in a few years very few are still in touch.

Binginfjn · 21/04/2020 21:27

I really don’t think it’s an age thing (I’m only slightly older than your DS). I don’t think any of my friends would say they love their friends more than their families. It might be a guy thing though? I guess 22 year old women are often very close to their mothers and sisters whereas a lot of the 22+ year old guys I know don’t really care about family

thecatsthecats · 21/04/2020 21:27

How did that conversation go exactly? It seems like a very odd thing for him to come out with spontaneously?

My friends were more important to me than my family at that age. At 22 I'd been living with friends for four years. They knew a hell of a lot more about my life than my parents. If they'd needled me into a conversation about who I liked best at that age, I'd probably have given that answer too.

Partly in truth, partly to push back at being asked.

SpnBaby1967 · 21/04/2020 21:32

I have friends that I care more for than my siblings, but my family are arseholes tbh so why would I care for them over my friends who are thoughtful, caring, kind, supportive etc.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 21/04/2020 21:33

I think I was probably the same at that age. I very much drifted apart from my parents in my uni years and twenties; I was living a different kind of life and yes, my parents knew very little about me.

Having a child at 29 was the big wake up for me. It opened my eyes to how much my parents loved me.

NoIDontWatchLoveIsland · 21/04/2020 21:33

I don't think it's normal. I've never ever been like this, DH hasn't either.

But then I always find it odd when going to weddings and the groom has a brother close in age etc but it's not their best man. Among my family that would be really quite odd.

How2Help · 21/04/2020 21:42

I was probably a bit like that at that age. I changed, I promise! Not sure I would have admitted it, but these are unusual times.

TitianaTitsling · 21/04/2020 21:44

I’ve done a lot for him. As have his siblings.
Is this something that he needed/asked for done? Is it something that he gets reminded of a lot?

Runbitchrun · 21/04/2020 21:47

I have friends who mean more to me than most of my family. They are my family, doesn’t matter that we don’t share the same blood.

Charley50 · 21/04/2020 21:48

A few close friends of mine pretty much are my family.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 21/04/2020 21:57

No he just relies on me to do things. Doesn’t cook doesn’t clean expects all his washing done.

OP posts:
ViciousJackdaw · 21/04/2020 22:14

I’ve done a lot for him

He didn't ask to be born though. You chose to have him, you chose to bring him up. It's a bit stately homes to throw 'I've done so much for you...' in his face. Rather than wasting energy on being PA, simply refuse to cook for him if it bothers you so much. Make him clean up his own mess. He can do his own laundry too.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 21/04/2020 22:26

I don't throw it in his face I was saying it in the way as i support him etc.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 21/04/2020 22:33

This is what I was wondering too

How did that conversation go exactly? It seems like a very odd thing for him to come out with spontaneously?

'Care about' is a strange thing to come up in conversation.

I can well imagine me nagging reminding ds to get off Fifa and do something constructive, and the conversation at that point when he was feeling criticised and micro-managed, leading to a declaration that he preferred his friends to his family, when he was 22. Pretty normal thing to say in several conversations if pressed I'd have thought.
Usually though, loving parents wouldn't back their ds into that corner.

CatOnLaptop · 21/04/2020 22:34

I think it's fairly common for his age. When you're young you often feel those connections with people your own age who seem to really 'get' you in a way your family don't. Often because those friendships have never had to face the challenges long-term family support involves. That said, in my view family is as family does. I love my family dearly and have healthy, happy relationships with them, but no more than my closest friends who have proven their love and support for me multiple times. It's all relative.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 21/04/2020 22:37

He said it when I spoke to him about treating us better. Eg he buys his friends birthday gifts but doesn’t even get me a card.

OP posts: