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Original poster

To ask if it’s normal to care more about friends than family

61 replies

Takemebackto · 21/04/2020 21:04

My ds2 22 admits that he cares more about his friends than us. I’ve never cared more about friends than family as obviously they are a part of me and have been with me my whole life.the friends he cares more about are not childhood friends but friends he’s known for about three years. Is this unusual?

OP posts:
2anddone · 21/04/2020 22:38

I am 42 and I care about my close friends as much as family! My family are not close and my parents go away for the winter so my close friends have become like family to me

pallisers · 21/04/2020 22:38

I think this is pretty normal. At that age, I would have far far rather been with friends than family. Maybe that is what he means.

I loved my parents deeply and liked/loved siblings (and in laws) but they really didn't become very important to me in the fabric of my life until I was a lot older. Your 20s are about getting out there and meeting people and figuring our relationships and friendships with people who are very different to your family. Many of my friendships in my 20s are still really important to me - and have sometimes meant more to me/been more of a support to me than my family tbh. But as I get older (in my 50s so for the past 10 years or so), the siblings/cousins matter more.

I really wouldn't worry about it.

And for the sake of anyone he ever lives with, stop with the cooking/cleaning/laundry service - tell him he needs to learn how to be a self-sufficient adult.

Hannah021 · 21/04/2020 22:39

@Takemebackto
No he just relies on me to do things. Doesn’t cook doesn’t clean expects all his washing done.

Not sure i'd keep a burden like this in my house, at 22, i wouldnt care if her cares for his friends more, i'd want him to pack up and see if his friends will house him the way his family is!!! Bloody ungrateful

pallisers · 21/04/2020 22:40

Eg he buys his friends birthday gifts but doesn’t even get me a card.

you are tolerating a lot of bad behaviour here - and probably have done for years. Just stop. Don't ask him to treat you better. TELL him pleasantly how things work in your house/home. That you expect him to pull his weight, talk pleasantly, be kind. If that doesn't work for him then he needs to find his own place. If he doesn't want family to do cards/presents, that is fine - he doesn't get them either.

HeyDuggeesCakeBadge · 21/04/2020 22:46

Early 20s are a very centred time as other pp's have said. I didn't realise how much I need my family until later on. I do think you need to stop enabling his behaviour though - not getting his mother a card for her birthday is beyond rude.

Ilovetea09 · 22/04/2020 08:47

I am surprised he's said that to you, it's not a very nice thing to say even if it is true.
I have always thought I was close to my parents and I laws, but being on this lockdown has shown me otherwise.
Weve been inside for 5 weeks now. The longest we've not seen them for as we all live locally to each other.

My life just seems easier and stress free without my parents input and involvement. My dad treats me like a kid (I'm nearly 40) and causes me a lot of anxiety.
The in laws haven't even phoned us once. I have called them multiple times to check on them, but I've stopped now because its never returned.
My few friends on the other hand have kept in touch with me and also provide me with an outlet. They cheer me up, I can vent to them etc. Friends are definitely meaning more to me at the moment

Original poster
Takemebackto · 22/04/2020 15:07

I just find it hurtful.

OP posts:
CCaK · 22/04/2020 15:10

I'm much closer to many of my friends than my family.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 22/04/2020 15:20

I think teenagers feel like that but would have thought by 22 they would have matured a bit? I was a mum at 22 though so that might be clouding my view a bit.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/04/2020 17:27

He doesn’t respect or value you OP. If you are daft enough to be running around after him and washing his pants when he is 22, he obviously realises he can get away with making zero effort with you.

Sadly people treat us as badly as we let them.

Nanny0gg · 22/04/2020 17:30

@Takemebackto
No he just relies on me to do things. Doesn’t cook doesn’t clean expects all his washing done

He could 'expect' all he likes if he were mine...

Stop doing it then, he might appreciate you more. Spoilt people do tend to be more selfish and thoughtless.

CountFosco · 22/04/2020 17:38

Another vote for 'normal at that age'. Having said that while I love my family dearly they don't live close enough to be a support and so in middle age my friends and workmates who I've lived near for 20 years are more important in some ways than my family are.

Vieve1325 · 22/04/2020 17:39

I don’t have a great relationship with my relatives.

But I have one small collective group of friends who mean the absolute world to me- more than I’d ever admit to them. They are the closest thing I’ll have to proper siblings.

BogRollBOGOF · 22/04/2020 17:46

At 22, I was temporarily back home working between university courses. Home was a base, I spent most of my weekends away with my BF (now DH) and with friends who nearly 20 years later are still some of my closest friends.

DM was not my servant. I saw to my own washing. Eating in was negotiated. If it worked to eat together, we ate together. If I was out, I saw to myself. Being a temporary measure, in a basic job and between courses, I didn't have to pay board like I would have done if I was home indefinitely.

It is normal to feel closer to friends at that age.
It is not healthy to still be looked after by mummy like a child, and some independence and autonomy is important.

Incontinencesucks · 22/04/2020 20:31

Nanny0gg has the right idea here OP.

Branleuse · 22/04/2020 21:57

I think its fairly normal at thst age, but honestly, if hes actually got the nerve to say it out loud to you whilst treating you like a skivvy, I think its pretty disrespectful and maybe he could find one of his friends to clean up his shit and move out?

Everydayimhuffling · 22/04/2020 22:08

The bigger problem seems to be that a) he very rudely said that to you and b) that he is not fulfilling family expectations. Time to tell him to stop being a dickhead and to increase your expectations of him doing his own housework.

I probably did feel closer to my friends than my family at that age, but I wouldn't have told them that!

Love51 · 22/04/2020 22:15

Another vote for 'well of course, but you don't say it'. Now I'm pushing 40 it's family all the way, but you naturally go through a process of establishing yourself away from family in your teens and 20s.

pinkprosseco · 22/04/2020 22:21

My experience is that young adults in their 20s without any children of their own are incredibly focussed on friends and partners, and their parents are not important. I hope it changes as they get older

lenaperkins · 22/04/2020 22:49

My 16 year old would say exactly that. He can't wait to get away from us.

Yes, it smarts a bit, but that's the shit bit about having kids. We are the ones who love them. They may deign to throw a bit of affection left, but don't hold your breath.

And tbh all this 'he didn't even buy me a card', I don't expect any of that stuff. I don't really get the big deal with cards?

Actressy · 22/04/2020 22:59

Normal to be closer to friends at that age. Hopefully this is a wake-up to call for you to stop acting as an unappreciated skivvy. You can’t ‘buy’ his affection by washing his underpants and you shouldn’t try.

Original poster
Takemebackto · 23/04/2020 19:09

Thanks I think you are right and he needs to start doing more for himself.

OP posts:
DDIJ · 23/04/2020 19:18

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

boylovesmeerkats · 23/04/2020 19:25

It is hurtful but kids are hurtful especially at that age and it's normal in a certain respect at a time when you should be independent. I don't really get why someone would really live at home at 22 to be honest. Maybe he's secretly hoping you kick him out.

I wouldn't wash or cook for him, I'd charge him rent. Maybe tricky at the moment but people can move in these circumstances.

As for presents, well he should be getting you them but he might not. I'd take it as a good sign that he's at least thinking about someone even if it's not you! You can use his rent money to buy your own stuff!

WhyCantIthinkOfAgoodOne · 23/04/2020 19:39

At 22 it's common. He probably doesn't genuinely care more about his friends than his family but he's more invested in them in day to day life.

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